Sexist

1.  I don't know anything about battered women.  But they sound delicious.

2.  Google is definitely a woman.   It starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.

3.  Say what you like about women but being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument, takes talent. 

4.  Why do men have penises? 

They have to shut women up somehow.

5.  Life is a lot like a penis - soft, relaxed and hanging free... then a woman makes it hard.

6.  Why did the blonde move to LA?

It is easy to spell. 

7.  What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? 

A woman that won't do what she's told.

8.  Women and rocks are very much alike. 

We skip the flat ones.

9.  Living with a woman is a lot like farting. If you push too much, you’re really going to wish you hadn’t.

10.  Women are like computers. You never really appreciate them until they go down on you.

11.  Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.  Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life. 

Because elephants never forget.

12.  The female praying mantis devours the male minutes after mating while the female human prefers to stretch it out over his lifetime.

13.  Why are most archeologists women?? They love digging up the past.

14.  Worlds shortest joke -

"Two women are sitting quietly"

15.  If you don’t think sexism is alive and well today, you’re as dumb as a woman.

16.  Why do men have two heads and women four lips?

Because men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

17.  My wife asked me to help indulge her fetish of covering herself in cake flour, butter, and eggs. I had to say no. 

I was taught it's wrong to batter women.

18.  Jokes about menstruation aren't funny.  Period.

19.  What do forklifts and women have in common?

If you don’t have one, you have to unload by hand.

20.  Women on their periods always ovary act. 

21.  A lot of women actually turn into good drivers, so if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning. 

22.  For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes.

23.  Why do women have orgasms?  Just another reason to moan, really.

24.  Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside them.

25.  What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?  Sex.

26.  How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dong.

27.  If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

28.  If you are really bored, phone a women's' rights group and ask to speak to the man in charge.

29.  Next time a woman tries to defend her insane weight gain with, "Well, I've had two children."

Reply with, "For what? Breakfast?