Wife

1.   My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream.  She asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She jokingly replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Alright, pour me a glass.

2.  My wife made me into millionaire.  I was a multi-millionaire before we met. 

3.  My big booty cock gobbler left me because she hates her nickname.

4.  My wife left me because I never stand up for myself. 

OK, fair enough.

5.  My wife is so fat that she tripped and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up. 

6.  My wife left me today because I'm too insecure.

... Oh wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea. 

7.  My wife was always so angry at me for having no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right...

8.  My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

9.  I've had to agree with my wife so many times my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.

10.  Essential 5 words for a healthy relationship with your wife: "I apologize" and "You are right."

11.  Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.

Son: Are you gay?

Father: No, son. I have a wife.

12.  Losing a wife can be difficult.  But with a little hard work you can do it.

13.  I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today.  She thinks I'm digging a pond.

14.  The wife and I broke up yesterday. 

I don't know what went wrong between me and Fat Ass.

15.  I bought my mother-in-law a chair for her 50th birthday, but the wife won't let me plug it in.

16.  My wife is playing hard to get. Rid of.

17.  My wife says I keep pushing her buttons.

She's right: I'm looking for the mute button.

18.  My wife is an angel. 

She's always harping about things..

19.  My wife is so ugly she spent five hours in the beauty salon.

Just getting a quote!

20.  My wife says I only have two faults. Number one is that I don't listen and some other stupid shit she was rambling about.

21.  How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

22.  I miss my wife's cooking.  Every chance I get.

23.  My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side...so I crashed the car, burnt dinner and completely ignored her all night for no reason.

24.  My wife was going wild in the sack last night.  I eventually had to get up and let her out of it.

25.  My wife is threatening to leave me because I exaggerate too much.

I was so shocked I nearly tripped over my penis.

26.  I married a nymphomaniac. 

Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

27.  I've bought the wife a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day.

The hoover is as good as new now.

28.  My wife suddenly stopped and said, "You weren't listening at all, were you?"

I thought to myself, "'Man, that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

29.  The only thing my wife and I have in common, is that we got married on the same day

30.  My wife asked me to get something to put on the pancakes. She was very upset when I brought back a bra.

31.  I haven't spoken to my wife in years.  Don't get along?  No, I just don't want to interrupt her.

32.  I got a truck for my wife awhile back.

It was the best trade I ever got.

33.  I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" 

So I bought her nothing.

34.  My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient.

I can’t wait.

35.  My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her.

I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it on her grave.

But first, I filtered it through my kidneys.

36.  My wife and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other.

We’ve been awake since Friday

37.  My wife stormed into the bar last night as me and the boys were downing shots of tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

38.  My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't quit drinking.

I told her to put it down in writing.

39.  My wife told me she has an orgasm every time

she sneezes. I asked "What are you taking for it?" She said "pepper."

40.  The only time my ex-wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.