2:25pm Damnit, I am so damn frustrated today. I am getting so sick of this shit! I am trying to do everything within my power to do right by her, but Tita still insists on pushing my buttons. Just earlier I reconnected with Carol Cook, my hippie ex girlfriend from 2007 who was a big part of my life. She knows all about my mission and truly believes in it. And now Tita is all tripping out fabricating all these scanarios due to her insecurities. I need some stability with you. I don't need to be going on these ups and downs with you, Tita. I NEED TO FOCUS ON GOOD THINGS! STOP ACTING AGAINST ME OR I AM GOING TO LEAVE! I am temped to give her my 30 day notice. I am so tired of playing this stupid game with her.
9:41am I am sitting here laughing at my Fuck You Frank page. Tita has something to say:
Tita: "You know how every teacher's mind works, or at least how mine does. I keep working on ideas that are discussed and have been a focus. So, Victor and his family, their dynamic, as we all know I am an EXPERT in dysfunctional families and how people become dysfunctional. When I did NAMI it became even more fascinating.
Even in high school, I've been looking through my collection of old notes I used to pass my friends in class, a lot are my writing, but most of them are by my friends in high school, and even back then everybody was interested in why people do the things they do. What motivates people to take actions? How does a personality form?
At eleven I was reading about astrology. So, now that I am 53 and have been a defacto psychologist for so many people, to the point that now I realize I should've charged for it, hehe. It's not fun anymore and it's not cool to hear about people's dysfunctions where all they do is dump and I give them solutions. That is why I have left behind the people who aren't willing to fix their own issues.
That's what drains me most, the people who repeat their patterns over and over. Obviously the universe is screaming to them and the just don't want to listen. So when I tell them what I think the pattern is and how they can fix it, they either keep hanging on just to be around me or because I am willing to give them a listening ear. That's an expenditure of my energy and now that I have found Victor and know, have heard all of his stories, we are learning each other's boundaries, we are learning how to communicate better, this is why I came up with this piece of info that I think is important.
Victor was not only raised by all females, with not one male role model, but I feel he has been sometimes considered by his siblings and his mom as a woman. His mom is about CONDITIONAL LOVE. His mom says, "I will LOVE you as long as you are happy," or to her husband, "I will LOVE you as long as you can make money for us." Victor learned how to be a conditionally-loving person from his mom.
I am trying to teach him how to be unconditionally-loving, which is even if things are tough you stick it out. Even if someone is sick you stay with them. Even more so if they are sick and weak and vulnerable. That's when people need each other the most. Statements such as, "Maybe I'll come back to you if you make money, stop talking about the past, deal with your issues and then things will be better," that's conditional-LOVE. Her way or the highway. If you do this then I will accept you.
Therefore, Victor only had to learn from people who had very limited capacity to truly LOVE, like his mom and his sisters. His mom and his sisters, whether or not they acknowledge it, ARE ALL ABOUT THE MONEY! Victor knows this. They fix issues, they supposedly show LOVE by giving money. Not by being affectionate, not by being supportive, not by showing they truly care.
The way they treat Victor seems to revolve around how their mom treats him, still. Diana, for being a fully grown woman in her late forties thinking, "Oh, I'll give to my brother, but I'll see how much my mother gives first and I'll match it."
I even remember a couple of years ago when it was his birthday I overheard Victor talking to her on the phone and Diana asking him, "What did Elizabeth get you?" For his birthday, I gifted him fluffy pajama bottoms. This is a sweet gesture between us since he appropriated a cute pair of pajamas of mine that he LOVED and ended up wearing more than I did, the Arctic Fox ones. Victor hates it when I buy brand new clothing. It was a heart-felt gift. When Victor told her about my gift she made a disparaging sound, as if to imply that's all?
What Diana didn't know is that as a gift from me, less than two months after we met, not only had I taken him to Mexico with the intention that he meet my family there, but also with my dad's money and his go-ahead, I gave him a brand new chainsaw that year for Christmas along with two cords of firewood to burn that winter. I treated Victor exceedingly-well and given him many nice gifts.
I fattened Victor up plenty.
His family treats him like a woman. I was remembering when Victor and I had fallen in LOVE and decided to stay together forever. Within less than a year of me meeting Victor I let my father talk with Ada. He was telling Victor's mom, "Estos se quieren casar, tienen ganas de casarse." We were at the peak of romantic, spiritual, social and physical bonding. We were having incredible sex every day. We couldn't wait to get our hands all over each other.
We saw how much dad needed help and Victor and I became one person. That's how it should be within one or two years, right? You fall in LOVE head-over-heels because you only see the best in that person. Why wouldn't you want that feeling to last a lifetime? Victor and I knew a good thing when we saw it.
Anyway, when my dad told Victor's mom how we really wanted to get married, the first thing Ada said, she could've said many things, she said some old fashioned term that I didn't even recognize. When I talked to my dad after they hung up I asked him what she said. He said that she wanted to make sure money would be brought up before the marriage.
Astonished, I thought, "What?! As far as I know Victor only collects SSI and even then she asks him for money and he gives it to her, and we know that his siblings are loaded.(Victor: I wouldn't go that far.) Well, your mom told me it was quite a substantial amount of money when she divorced Luis Sr to only give to Lusito when he died.
Again, she screwed you Gruber kids over. The egoic pride she had, rather than fight for her other kids, she said there was no prenup, she assumed since he was a lawyer she could never win against him legally. Her egoic pride prevented her from going after more. She is very egoic. I sensed that and it is confirmed.
We just had a shadow year with all of these eclipses. Last year everyone was tested because everybody saw the worst in each other. Everyone, the whole society. It was all about seeing the worst in ourselves and in other people. We did see the worst in Victor's family. We tested them without knowing we were testing them. My family has already shown me their worst for a couple of decades already, my brothers.
Anyway, getting back to the money. To think if Victor's mom, rather than asking my dad, "Do they get along well? Do you think they have what it takes to stay together forever? To tolerate each other in the good and the bad?" Those are the questions that my mom would've asked.
A good mother, instead of being concerned with lets discuss money, would rather worry about if they have what it takes to truly LOVE each other. "Because I haven't had it," she could have said.
She was focusing on the fucking money.
Who usually asks about that? The parents of the woman. It's the woman's family who is worried about if this man will be a provider, because it's traditionally the man that brings in the dough. For Victor's mom making sure that the finances are going to be okay, and also Diana kinda insinuating, "After all you do for Tita she only got you pajama bottoms for your birthday?"
That seems to me that they are passive-aggressively thinking of Victor the way they would of a woman. Instead of wondering if Victor is a good match for me because I sound like I am wealthy, or wondering if I am going to tolerate someone who has lived most of his life below his means and LOVES poverty? Elizabeth might not like living in poverty the way that Victor does. Let's think about the big ideas here, Ada. None of those questions even entered your mind because you are too fixated on the money. These questions are serious things that matter in a loving relationship.
They were all, and still are about the money primarily. Typical women, aren't they? The women that men have trained, my brothers have trained me not to be. "Tita, ganate tu propio dinero. Tita, no dependas a un hombre para nada!" That's what they have been telling me forever. Even Hugo, as lazy as he may have been, when we'd go to the store he would have me push my own cart and load my own groceries. Just because he was a man didn't imply that he had to haul around the grocery cart.
So, due to me being the only girl with only brothers, I have been indirectly formed to be as efficient and strong as a male. As Kaenen observed, my male and female are well-balanced. Sometimes I am sweet, sometimes I am forgiving, sometimes I am hard, other times I am analytical, sometimes I am from the heart, sometimes I use my intellect to make decisions and that's good. It's a good thing to be balanced in your male and female.
Victor has been treated like a woman by the woman in his family, and I treated like a man in mine. Victor is not a woman. He is a man. (Victor: I can prove it!) His job is to provide so the question should be can you provide for this woman? Have you thought about what her lifestyle is like and what she is accustomed to? And Victor, are you going to be able to do that? Are you going to provide her with the things she wants? Can you afford to maintain her lifestyle and keep her happy and loyal forever? Will you take care of her?
If Victor had a dad, dad would've already asked those questions, if he were a wise dad. (Victor: If I had a dad, lol). You don't. You obviously lack a father figure. When I met Victor and I was chit-chatting with this dude that (Victor: If I had a dad, now that Papa Chuy is gone.) Papa Chuy was also all about LOVE. He never once cared if Victor made much money. He never said, "He lives in a hollowed-out bus. Is he going to be able to take you traveling like you want, mija?" He was not at that point anymore. He just wanted to see me LOVED. He was at the point where he was all, "If they LOVE each other that's good enough for me. She's happy and always smiling, I have never seen her happier, maybe she did go to Mount Shasta and miraculously found the man of her dreams. No wonder she couldn't wait to take him to Mexico." All dad cared about is that I was happy!
When I talked to my dad one-on-one I told him, "This guy just checks all the boxes. He is unconventional, he's smart, he's kind, he helps me with everything, he helps you, he puts me in a good mood, he knows how to make me laugh, he is a Latino and speaks our native tongue." That's what dad heard, because that's what truly matters! Not whether you could provide.
When I talk to other people that's what they ask me, "Does he make good money, does he have a job?" That's what most older men ask me. "Does he have a good enough job? Does he have stability? Is he going to respect you? Is he going to be there for you when you're sick? What if you gain weight? What if you loose too much? Is he so superficial that he'll dump you? What is his past? Has he had good relationships before? Has he been happy in his marriages? Has he married? Has he committed?" All those questions would've been asked by any good "traditional dad." Any good dad would've asked, "¿Cuanto tiene? Tiene terreno? Vas a estar agusto viviendo come el quire vivir?" Those are the real questions that matter, from a male's perspective.
From the female it should be, "Son, does she make you happy? Son, please tell me you LOVE more than her looks because looks change. Do you LOVE her for who she is?"
Like I said, Victor has been treated like a female by his own family. They are not asking the right questions. "She sounds like she's wealthy, she sounds like she's well-educated. Do you LOVE her enough to provide for her? Are you going to start working or doing something to provide her with a better lifestyle? Or at least match what she's been used to?".
Those are the real questions. Not how much money I have or will be guaranteed to him. I was there for that phone call, when Ada talked to my dad. Then separately, Diana asking, "What did she get you for your birthday?" Her tone, to me implied, "That's all she got you?"
They should have been asking, "When is her birthday? She sounds like an awesome sister-in-law. Let's give her a present. She's been loving you(of all people)? Let's honor the woman in your life. When is her birthday? I'll send her at least a thank-you card. It sounds like you guys have been struggling. Do you have bills to pay? Oh, we won't send you that, but maybe some flowers." A sweet, loving sister-in-law would think of these things. They don't have class! They are stingy.
Because they are not sweet sisters-in-law. And neither are they fit for somebody for Victor get to get advice from. They have never been!
This all just solidified and confirmed what we already knew: That Victor's family wasn't right for him. He is in the wrong family, for the right reasons. We need to find, if we want, the shaman we found in Tzintzunzan, Albundio and Maribel in Mexico that say, "Come and stay with us, we want to help you. Look, you don't need to worry about your family because you have each other. Enfocense en la paz y la harmonia. Preguntate cada dia como vamos a tener paz y harmonia."
We need people who are wiser and not so concerned with money!
Case in point, even my siblings. With all the help that they could've given me, have they shown me that they are loving, kind brothers? Hell no! Anyway, these are just thoughts for my eventual book and Victor's family dynamics.
Victor: I am sitting here watching Master Herbalist 3, which I have seen before, but just for comic relief, LOL. What did you just say right now, Tita?
Tita: "That, if you think if we vilify him the way Ada has wanted to and has accomplished with your siblings and their children, why the heck did she never try, not only to make a bridge between her kids and their father, but, "Sorpresa! Con este dinero que ahorre, en ves de estar regalandose a li iglesia, o a Charlie, because she has admitted to me that she was earning more money at that point, so of course she wanted her grandson to have a better standard of living.
But, had she been wise and fair maybe she should have spent that money on a surprise vacation for her all of kids, when they turned eighteen.
Let's say for example, Victor and Laura were 16 and Diana 19, she's in college, how about if I arrange, buy a round trip plane ticket to Panama so that they could meet and greet, let's say a three day or five day visit.
Wouldn't that have been cool? Ada did have the means. What she didn't have was the generosity of heart and spirit to think, "You know what? I don't like Franklin, I hate him, he was a bad person and bad father, but in all fairness to my kids maybe they should go meet him. They've been talking about him, I am sure they miss him in some sense. You know what? Let's go find him. I know where Diana Chiari is, that'd be cool. Let's go make contact first, I will surprise my kids and I am not even going to go. They can go by themselves and get to know their father."
Or something like that. If you think of all the possibilities out there, Victor's mom was JUST AS MUCH IF NOT A WORSE influence on Victor NOT ever meeting his dad on a friendly basis. It was really Ada who prevented any relationship from happening.
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