022124

Wednesday February 21, 2024

 2:13pm  What did Andrew write about what?  Oh, I have had a very productive morning.  It was like eight, it was already light outside.  I crashed out like at four.  I didn't do the dishes at first.  I signed onto IRC and went to #gulag.  

        All of a sudden I see my friend seeker come in.  I messaged him my Trevor Moore memorial page I made.  He had suggested a song and I was like, hell yeah, let me work my magic on it.  WELCOME TO THE INTERNET.  What did you think about that, Tita?

Tita:  It is kind of sad because it's kind of true.  It is what's happened to Western society, for sure.  Also more and more underdeveloped countries too.  I heard years ago that 6 million people were on Facebook.  

Victor:  It's already in the billions.  3 billion.

Tita:  Facebook, again, is a form of sharing and for people like me that don't have a community, that don't have close friends and family, Facebook becomes my friends and family.  

Victor:  That's exactly how they have planned it!

Tita:  So it's helpful to me to have Facebook.  Unfortunately, it's all that I do all day somedays.  

Victor:  Also, by their design!

Tita:  Last summer it was my escape.

Victor:  There was already free chat services before Facebook.  Facebook just took over.  

Tita:  I used AOL when it was in full swing.  From 98/99 to 2002 or so.  When I was 24 I stopped because I got involved in my life.  I joined Facebook only because of Yoga.  This guy from NAMI had been encouraging me but I didn't do it at first.  I put my profile up but didn't use it.  Anyway, it can be very addictive.  

Victor:  So what was it that Andrew wrote?

Tita:  It's in reference to an article titled "U.S. recovered non-human 'biologics' from UFO crash sites, former intel official says."  I hadn't known about this.  There's these really cool aircraft that military people have seen while flying their planes, that resemble a white tic-tac.  This object with no noticeable fuselage.

Victor:  That's so old.  Last time I heard about that I fell off my dinosaur.  Reports of that shit have been coming in since before the Roswell days.  

Tita:  But they are admitting it now.

Victor:  They have been talking about that bullshit forever.

Tita:  But there was a congressional hearing about it.  People from the public were sitting there listening to this whistleblower.  

Victor:  Please don't believe any of that.

Tita:  I do want to believe it.  

Victor:  Congressional hearings are bullshit.  All actions taken by governments are staged.  It's a production.  They have scripts they follow.  It's a very bad picture.  We die in the end.  None of it is true and we need to stop feeding into it.  

Tita:  Regardless, I don't think we are the only ones here.  I don't believe in the Flat Earth theory.  When I was a kid my brother Moises was into conspiracy theories, UFOs and Sasquatch.  So I think these things are real.  I think the government has tried to cover it up.  It's cool that last year some of them admitted it.  This is what Andrew wrote.  

Victor:  I used to believe that bullshit too back when I was glued to Cobra's blog.  

Tita:  He's funny.  He says:  "I am taking a lunch distraction break from homework to bring you a reality check.  In case you forgot last summer the US government acknowledged that they recovered alien bodies from crashed UFOs and that they have been reverse-engineering technologies for decades.  Nobody batted an eye, and certainly not six months later.  What are the chances that even a televised genocide will capture our collective electronically-atrophied attention for more than a moment?"

So, it made me pause to think of that.  My friend Imran told me that there is genocide going on between Israel and Palestine.  

Victor:  When has there not been?

Tita:  Well, the United States is intervening.

Victor:  And when have they not?

Tita:  I guess there's more nuclear warheads now or talk about people blowing each other up.  

Victor:  That's just dirty fear porn.  Get your mind out of the gutter.

Tita:  It's all about making people live through their phone or computer, like in the past it was television.  That's why when you and I went to Berkeley last time there were like four or five kids that we would've hit if we weren't aware enough that they were on their phones.  Anyway, I loved his comment.  Here's another article that pertains too.  

Victor:  Umm, have you shown him my blog yet?  You should watch this, it's good:  Help Me

3:21am  But you already have your mission.  You already know what you are doing, and that's more important than me.  As I told you before if when you got back from your trip if you would have disclosed to me that you wanted someone to help you with your website, but that you didn't care about me as a person, it might've been because I let go of the relationship and stopped nurturing you, because I neglected you and our relationship, stopped investing so much into it, that gave you an opening to find something you love more, which was your original love, your mission.  Since my talkativeness is getting in the way of our relationship and I did want someone without any baggage.  Again, this is your baggage, this is your baby.  Maybe I don't want to adopt it.  I don't know.  

I am left thinking I am ill-equipped to have a relationship.  You are kind of teaching me that I suck and I don't know a lot about myself.  I think you gave me many opportunities and I didn't know to take them.  Again, because I never work it.  

        A long time ago you asked me if I wanted you to quit marijuana.  What did I say?  Do what you want.  I wanted it to come from you.  Most women know how to work it, like Tracee probably did.  

I guess I was brought up by men so much that I am too direct and too simple, and don't know how to get what I want, I don't know how to communicate what I truly desire.  I kind of feel like maybe I have ruined our relationship.  I think we have had a good relationship.

Victor:  I would be on top of the world if you were more with me, if I saw you pouring out your true potential.

Tita:  I defintely know I want to move out.  I don't want to live in Modesto.  

Victor:  BULLSHIT!  If you really wanted to go you would've thrown everything away already and we would be happy!

Tita:  Well, a lot of the shit doesn't belong to me.  I am a firm believer.

Victor:  STFU with that bullshit.  You know you could throw it all away and nobody would care.  If you brothers valued any of their crap they would at least say hello once in a while, but they never do one bit!  TWO of your brothers live in your neighborhood and DRIVE PAST YOUR HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY!  

        Face it, Tita.  Ever since Papa Chuy died they HATE YOU!  

        YOU DON'T OWE THEM MIERDA!  

        LET'S GTFO OF HERE ALREADY!

Tita:  Well, but I care.  Dad loved a lot of this stuff in this house.  

Victor:  STFU again!  Your dad loved you a lot more than anything in this house.  He would want your happiness now.  Regardless of you betraying family.  THEY HAVE ALL BETRAYED YOU AND YOUR FATHER'S SPIRIT!  

Tita:  But I still want to have a house.  I want to have an address.  That's something I am not going to negotiate with any man.  I need a place to call home.  I want all of my books in one fucking room.  

Victor:  I am getting so tired of your bullshit.  You could have this house sold next week if you stop waiting for your brother who hates you, to get off his ass and pay for it.  Even if you had to sacrifice it for half of it's worth, you could be happier this very moment and keep a nice inheritance.  If you keep dragging it out you could end up with nothing!  JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S CURSE WANTS!

Tita:  I don't know, I guess I will just have to reflect on it, but I don't want to call it quits with you, because I do love you.  There maybe an imbalance though, where I love you in a different way than you love me.  You love me out of pity...

Victor:  I feel sorry for you for making stupid decisions.  

        DON'T YOU SEE I AM PROVIDING YOU WITH A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY WHERE YOU CAN RECLAIM YOUR WORTH BY USING YOUR INTELLECT TO HELP MORE THAN YOU EVER HAVE?!  

        DON'T YOU WANT TO HELP MAKE A DIFFERENCE?  

        SO WE DON'T HAVE DONATIONS YET.  MY DECISIONS ARE NOT BASED ON MONEY!   

Tita:  Yeah, but you have a lot of baggage now.  

Victor:  If it's not worth putting up with my luggage, THEN YOU NEED TO LET ME DROP YOU AS LUGGAGE SO I CAN TRAVEL LIGHT AND FINISH MY JOB!

Tita:  Por eso, I have to really consider it.  I don't want to make this decision lightly, but, if I can't make it with you, you were so sweet and easy going in the beginning, that's what I liked about you from the start, how nice you were.  

        You were extremely sweet, but now you are sour.  I know I am triggering you.  I can't help it, maybe.  And you are always comparing.

Victor:  Now you are projecting, hella.

Tita:  So if I am truly loving of you then maybe I should let you be free, so you can keep having these adventures and be free and be a nomad.  Maybe you also don't truly want to be married.  I know you want to stay good on your promises, but maybe we should reconvene and reconsider.  

Victor:  I want to be married to the women who will complete me, who will help me establish peace in our backwards world.  That is who I want to be married to.  If I can't have that with you, umm, I will just do it on my own.  I thought I had your support.  

        You fooled me into thinking I had your devotion, and I resent the fuck out of that!  

Tita:  I thought so too.  What did you tell me yesterday?  That if I mention one of your exes again, or how I don't like how you communicate with people, all I was saying was to get rid of this person, that you are forming a one-way relationship with someone who doesn't matter and that pissed you off enough.  

        I am thinking you don't want to change and nor should I expect you to and that maybe to truly love you I need to let you go.  Let you go and be free.  Of course, you know you are going to find somebody, you always do.  You are a sweetheart.  You want sex. 

         Again, I'll have to give you up.  If we end up breaking up, I don't think we can be friends.  As much as I would want to.  It would probably only take you a week before you found somebody else and devoted yourself to them.  

Victor:  Fuck you if that's what you really think of me.  

        Now it will be less than a week!

Tita:  I am just saying I have a lot to chew on.  I may be better off single.  I may not be relationship material.  Haven't you classified me as being the worst girlfriend you have ever had?

Victor:  Nope, that's your insecure ass fabricating again.  That's ALL YOU!  I never fucking said that or anything like it.  Those words never came out of my mouth.  

Tita:  Or the most stupid, or the most childlike?

Victor:  Nope, NONE of that.  

Tita:  You said yesterday I was being childlike.  

Victor:  I didn't say you were the most anything I ever had yesterday.  

Tita:  But aren't I the most stupid?

Victor:  Umm, you are dumb about some things.  You are always trying to put yourself on top, virtue-signaling.  Like I said, I didn't say you were the most anything.  Lies is how you work.  Why should I believe anything you say?

Tita:  No, I am just saying that you think I am crappy girl.

Victor:  I think you sure as hell can be!  

Tita:  If you have that opinion of me it's likely all other men will too.  I have been alone for so many decades.  Maybe I have been alone for a reason.  Maybe I can't get along.  Maybe my mom was right when I was fifteen and she told me, "Nadie te va a querer de ese modo."  Maybe she was right.  What sounds good to me is to maybe go live at an ashram again and do nothing but chant, do prep work and do Yoga again.

Victor:  Yeah, I have heard that before.

Tita:  If I did that, selfless service I wouldn't spend a dime of my money.  Commit six months and you live there for free.  The only thing I would pay for us airfare.  So I will think about it, honey.  I will think about your conditions.

Victor:  Good.  

Tita:  Because, I either wake up and keep going with this relationship, or we break up.  It's that simple.  I feel like I am asking you to love me in a certain way.  I don't want to feel that way.  I think love should come naturally.  That's why I feel that 80% of the reason you are still with me if because you feel sorry for me, because you know I would not do well by myself.  Time has proven that after ten days of being alone I don't know what to do with myself.  I devolve.

Victor:  So you think things will be better if you just let me go, and not tow my line?  Not do the simple things I am asking you to do to ensure we stay together forever?  This is what you are choosing?  Just because you can't handle leaving me in peace when I need it?  When I realized this is what you are choosing, it made me really sad.  

Tita:  I am self-sabotaging, haven't you said that?

Victor:  Uroboric.

Tita:  Anyway, honey.  I think my personality is such that I cannot get along with people.  That is what I am starting to think.

Victor:  You cold get along with people, you could get along with me splendidly, so why don't you?  I mean, was it maybe because I didn't mind just listening to you at first, and since you are such an attention whore, maybe that's what attracted you to me?  Because I fed you so much attention at first?  Mental note!  Is it just because I stayed quiet in the beginning and just let you gush?  

Tita:  No, because I listened to you and I loved listening to you.  

Victor:  Do you think you would still enjoy listening to me if I said the same exact stories over and over again, even though I had already told you?  Wouldn't you feel like I was wasting your time?  

Tita:  Well, with Becky you said similar things about....

Victor:  You are always bringing up my exes, why?   You are just reminding me how I might be right.  That you care incapable of learning from me.  

Tita:  Because those are the things that I would rather not hear.  

Victor:  Then why do you keep bringing up my exes, you fool?

Tita:  You brought up...

Victor:  I did not bring up Becky right now, you did.  Becky was just a temporary blessing.  I never fell in love with her.  

Tita:  You brought her up yesterday.

Victor:  That was yesterday!  Why can't you fucking learn from the past already?  It's going to keep coming back up until you learn from it!  Don't blame me for being dumb!

Tita:  I mean, is it too hard for you to keep your exes out of your mind, at least in my presence?  

Victor:  If that were something that would break us, then just that fact alone shows me how we are not meant to be together.  It sounds like you have made a decision.

Tita:  No, I haven't.  

Victor:  Just don't be surprised if you settle on a decision I veto.

Tita:  That's what I am saying.  You are bringing up the condition of not bringing up your exes.  I am thinking if I have the power to dismiss it, do you have the power to not bring it up?  Maybe that can be the way we can compromise.  Hold your tongue.  Think twice.

Victor:  That's some damn circular, projecting logic.  You have to make it be all my fault.  Fuck that.  I am much better off alone.  I guess this is all just too much for you.

Tita:  Maybe, I need to figure out why it's a trigger for me.  I can't just say, "Oh, that was wonderful, what a beautiful time you had with these other females."

Victor:  Oh, shut up!  I didn't even know you back then!  Why do you want me to consider your weak ears now?  Toughen up.  

Tita:  I am just saying if I am telling you that something is hurtful to me and you keep doing it, can't avoid bringing it up because it hurts my feelings, then it's a catch-22.  

Victor:  Oh, so is that why you tell me you are going to leave me alone and then you don't?  Are you getting me back?  Is that my payback?  

Tita:  No, I don't want to repeat mistakes.  I don't even know that I am making a mistake sometime.  Obviously, I have a bad sense of humor.  My brothers had told me that sometimes.  I might have an issue, honey.  That's what I am trying to tell you.

Victor:  Ha, and you think you only have one?

Tita:  I mean, if I am unable to make it with you, how can I expect to get along with another man?  That makes me an unfit partner.  Maybe I have some issues that I need to work on first before I can jump into another relationship.  

Victor:  So, what are your plans?

Tita:  I don't have any plans.  I am thinking out loud.  I am sharing with you my innermost thoughts and feelings.

Victor:  If I were to leave in a week, what would happen?  What would you do?

Tita:  I would probably look for a roommate, because I need money, #1.  #2 I need the company.  I do not do well by myself.  Ten days is it.  I start wandering around, I get lost.  I am hopeless.  I become like a child again.  Can I get better?  If I had friends or people coming over, I probably would be okay, but I don't.  

Victor:  I think that now is the time where you should come to the conclusion, I mean, do you think it's going to be easy-going for you after I leave?  Look how you broke down completely when I was only gone for a month.  Do you think you could handle new challenges, take care of the dogs and work to afford life without me?  Do you think that will be enjoyable to do all by yourself?  

Tita:  No, but it's not like I have your support now.  I mean, your body is here, but you're always checked out on the computer.  That's not going to change.  I have asked you to change, but nope.  

Victor:  Okay, then since you still have beef with me then it seems like you do think things will be easier with me gone.

Tita:  It might be.  I mean, just having you here and even feeding you and going to sleep with you that's helping me keep a minimum of a schedule.  That's what devolves quickly when I am alone.  I become like a kid.  I had a lot of memories come up.  I was having a hard time letting go, looking at these things, that's why I want to get rid of them.  

Victor:  What pisses me off the most, what makes me so fucking irate is how fucking picture-perfect, storybook-perfect our lives are together, in me coming down from the mountain and staying true to my voluntary self.  ::sobbing:: And the picture-perfect Mexican justice I am trying to bring to you and the world, can't you see that this is your role to play?  

        THIS IS YOUR FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY!  

Tita:  I am making you hurt, I am making you angry, and I don't want that.  I don't know if we can stay together.  

Victor:  It makes me think you are fucking full of shit when you tell me that you want to hold onto me, but it's too much for you to leave me in peace and respect my mission more.  I NEED YOU TO STOP YOUR CURTAILMENT!  

        Is world peace not worth it for you?  Do you think I am just talking out of my ass?  Do you not believe I can really make this happen?  That I possess this potential and that you could be helping me make it happen faster?  

Tita:  I do believe that.  

Victor:  Bullshit!  If you truly believe that then you would be happy with me, instead of impeding me and contemplating breaking our union and refusing to step into your power.  If that's what you want, that's going to be exactly what you get.  What are you going to do?  

        Nobody is going to hire you and pay you what you think you deserve without having been on a payroll for so long.  I doubt you will be happy being a Berkeley graduate and making only minimum wage.  

        You think you're going to be able to find people you don't know to live with you because you can't be alone, so then you can talk their ears off instead?  

        Nobody likes a motor mouth!  FAT CHANCE!  How long do you think they are going to stick around?  

Tita:  Baby, did you not hear what I was saying?  

Victor:  Fuck you, you're not hearing what I am saying!  Just the fact that you asked me that stupid question implies that you are thinking, "Why the fuck would you waste your time saying what you just said?"  Fuck that, and fuck you!  

Tita:  Just like you have your mission to uphold, similarly I have this house.

Victor:  Shut up, my mission can go with me and evolve and still be with me.  Your house is located in a place where you have ABSOLUTELY NO LOVE, if I wasn't in the picture.  If you want to stay here it will be alone!  

Tita:  Because I want to leave it, of course it's going to be hard.  It's been hard.  When you were gone I was crying almost every day.  Just the reality that I am not going to be close to this house where I have all the memories of my loving mom and dad, the people that I love, the good times.  Is it any wonder that I cry about it?  

If somebody yanked you from your website wouldn't you feel lost?  

Victor:  Once again, you cannot compare my website to your house.  My website is portable.  I can take it with me everywhere I go.  

        I only wish that you could feel at home in your body, which can be relocated unlike this physical separation unit which anchors you where you don't belong!  This house could burn down and you would be better off!  THIS HOUSE IS YOUR JAIL!  

Tita:  This has always been my homebase with my family down the street.

Victor:  That's folly!  You don't have a family here!  NO ONE IN YOUR FAMILY LOVES YOU!  JUST LIKE ME AND MINE!  WHY CAN'T YOU BE FREE WITH ME?!?!?!  

        Damnit, I have been loyally making everything easy for you because I care!  I didn't have to do ANY of the shit I have done for you!  

        I STILL DON'T!  

        If you are not going to show me more appreciation, why would I stay with you?  Ingrate!  

        I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO BE THERE FOR ME EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY HALF AS MUCH!

If you don't step into your power already, everyThing is going to go to hell for you!  I'll be damned if you take me down with you.

Tita:  If you were to leave me next week.  Like I said, I would go to an ashram.  

Victor:  I don't need to hear this again!

        IF YOU DO NOT LET ME DO MY WORK HERE I WILL GO DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE, A HELL OF A LOT SOONER!  PRETEND I AM NOT HERE!  PRETEND I AM AT MY JOB!  WHICH I AM!

Tita:  That's how it's been this whole month.

Victor:  I want it to continue, but without interruptions!  

        I AM WORKING HERE!  I NEED TO FOCUS!

Tita:  I am not a good relationship person, that's all.

Victor:  Then why would you expect me, or anyone else, to want to be in a relationship with you?  An unbalanced one!

Tita:  I want to be better for you, but maybe I can't.

Victor:  THEN STOP!  If you're just going to give up.  

        LOSERS ARE NOT ALLOWED ON MY TEAM!

Tita:  I don't want you to go.  If you could laugh more and not get angry.

Victor:  Oh please, everything has to be easy for you, right?  

        YOU DON'T GROW UNLESS YOUR CHALLENGED!  

        Even though I am making things easier for you than anyone else is right now, why would I remain if you aren't even going to try to be stronger?  Common sense!

Tita:  I think once we get out of here all our problems will go away.

Victor:  More bullshit!  We could've left so long ago.  

Tita:  Don't think about that.  We can only go forward, babe.  Just mellow out, baby steps.  

Victor:  Let's just flip the house and get out of here. 

Tita:  It's happening.  

Victor:  More bullshit.

Tita:  I have it on pause right now.  Just be mellow now.  Don't stress me out, my head is hurting.