030824

11:18am  Today is the 8th, Thursday

Tita is reading from her book for March 8:

Tita:  "I open my heart and mind to be aware and possibly setting standards for how others will see and treat me.  As you move into the day be aware of how you treat yourself, as you shower, or bathe.  Be aware of how you handle your body.  Are you gentle?  Or are you rough?  As you eat your meals today be aware of much time, energy and attention you give to nourishing yourself.  When it come to self-nurturing, are you attentively-conscious?  Are you unconsciously rushed?  Be aware of what you do to and for yourself, because you set the standards for others.  

Be aware of how you handle your mind.  When you talk to yourself do you yell or scream?  When you question yourself do you accuse?  Do you allow yourself the pleasure of a complete thought?  Or do you cut off your thoughts with judgements?  Just be aware of how you think, what you think.  You don't have to do anything about it right now.

Be aware of how you handle your soul?  Do you give yourself permission to ask what you need to know?  When you do not keep the commitments that you made to yourself, are you understanding?  Are you there merciless rough-rider who rarely cuts yourself any slack?  How do you handle yourself in a crisis?  Just be aware.  It is not necessary to do anything about it right now.  However, as you grow in your awareness of how you treat yourself you will probably become aware of the example you are setting for others.  You will realize that the time has come to set a new example.

Until today you may now have been aware of how unkind, impatient, un-supportive, critical, angry, frustrated and rough you can be with yourself.  Just for today be aware of how you treat yourself.  Remember, awareness is the first step towards change.  Today I am devoted to becoming more aware of how I am with myself."

Victor:  I really thinkn we need to start walking more.  I hear your labored breathing and I don't want your lungs failing because I smoke and smoke weed with you.  I hate hearing your struggled breathing.  I don't want it to be my fault that you are risking smoking, but not exercising enough to compensate for it.  So if you want to go then get ready.  I am going to walk to La Loma park and back.  Did I cut you off?  Were you finished?

Tita:  Can I read you the day before's?  Did you want to mention anything about how you neglect yourself?  How you don't shower much and you don't pay attention to your eating.  Sometimes you don't even eat.

Victor:  Enough with that BS.  When I get hungry I eat.  When I feel I need to, I do.  Sitting here at the laptop I am not expending very much energy, so of course I will eat less.  

Tita:  But you are still very thin.

Victor:  Let me be thin!

Tita:  You are scarily-thin.  

Victor:  I am not, you exaggerator.  I am not emaciated.  

Tita:  Well, not emaciated, but you are thin.  You are skinny.

Victor:  And you're a chunky monkey.  What's the point?   We are how we are.  Isn't that a mantra of yours now?  Let me be the one to have problems with how I am, please.  

Tita:  You don't have reserves like me.  You need to fatten up.  You don't think so?

Victor:  Nope, I think I am just fine.  I tend not to worry about much.

Tita:  What you can do about it is to eat more.  Honey, I checked on you in like over five hours and you haven't eaten.  

Victor:  Damnit, don't you have something about your own self that you could and should be worried about, instead of me?  

Tita:  Well, honey.  I love you.  Of course I am going to worry about you.

Victor:  Well, I hate how you love worrying about me!  Let me worry about me.  YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF MORE!  I am tired of worrying for you.  

Tita:  Are you worried?

Victor:  Why would I ever worry?  Worry is a negative thing.  Worrying brings your fears to your doorstep.  One can't get any more self-sabotaging and counter-productive than by worrying!  "Worrying is like paying interest on a debt you may never owe."  

Tita:  Okay, how about this?  I am noticing, honey, that sometimes you don't eat.  Sometimes you go long periods without eating.

Victor:  I am noticing you repeat yourself constantly every fucking day.  No wonder you can't make friends.  

Tita:  No, but do you understand that because I am bringing this to your attention that it's because I want you to change?

Victor:  What I understand fully is that I don't want to change the way you want me to change all the time.  When you insist on me changing the way I know is wrong, that is grounds for resentment.  

Tita:  So you don't want to eat more.

Victor:  I might!  I do sometimes!  Not all the time though.  Let me decide when I need to eat.  Who the hell are you to worry about me before worrying about yourself?  

Tita:  Okay, but I can still offer you food, right?  I just want you to eat more, honey.  

Victor:  And I want to travel light.  I don't want to change just because you want me to.  Maybe I don't want to change.  Maybe I don't want to change as fast.  Maybe I don't agree with what you agree with.  Maybe I am holding back on my opinions of how you should change.   

Tita:  Well, tell me!

Victor:  It's really not my place to.  You're not going to copy off of my answers.

Tita:  What if I asked you to?  Have I been engaging in unhealthy habits?  Yes or no?

Victor:  I can't know for sure.  Healthy and unhealthy mean different things to different people.  

Tita:  Is there anything that you are doing that you feel is endangering my health?

Victor:  It is obvious what I think that is.

Tita:  What?

Victor:  With your breathing and smoking weed and not exercising to compensate.  I think that would benefit you, but only if yo want to.  I can't make you.  Nor can I be blamed for you not.    

Tita:  The bad breathing is not caused by smoking.  

Victor:  Since you are asking, I believe the phlegm in your lungs which is blocking your airway is exacerbated by smoking.  Indirectly, it is.

Tita:  So I shouldn't smoke.  

Victor:  Or, you should exercise more if you want to continue to smoke.

Tita:  Or not smoke.  That would be the easiest.

Victor:  Oh, and I know how you just love easy things.  Yes, it would be easier only if you want to deprive yourself of being high.

Tita:  I can buy edibles instead.

Victor: Or you could exercise more.  These decisions are yours and yours alone.

Tita:  Anything else that you think I do that is unhealthy?  Do you think I am taking showers enough or do you think I am too stinky?

Victor:  I don't think you stink at all.  Daily showers are unhealthy for your immune system.