Thursday March 28, 2024
12:54pm Maybe I am meant to capture an insight from you, that's why I am recording.
Tita: Well, I was telling Victor this morning about how I am extremely myopic. I lack the ability to see well at a distance. It started when I was about 11. I used to have crossed eyes. My bad vision has beena flaw I've had since birth, and it comes from my dad's side. When I connect with a friend of family member, there is so much in me, words, so many things to express that the lack of having clear vision, and also the fact that I am a very tactile person, I love touch. Touch is what gives me comfort, why I became a massage therapist. It's why I love touching dogs, cuddling, I am tactile. Touch is a sense that feeds me, make me feel alive. When I close my eyes I feel loved when someone comes up and cuddles me. Most people do, but I think because I am defificient in vision, that's probably related to going inward, being a feeling person, getting in touch with how you feel.
Like, when I listen to Victor and one of his many stories, I get too distracted by my vision. I just close my eyes and I can hear him better. Even on the phone, the best way to hear someone is to close my eyes. It helps hear the emotion, intention in the words. In person the visual distracts me. So Victor and I are writers. We have this ability that many people don't. I need to write.
Victor: I just need to live.
I'm sorry your story about Cape Cod got boring and I stopped recording. I regret it now. What did you just say?
Tita: The main theme of Victor's life as I see it is...
Victor: My blog?
Tita: His deepest scar, he has two scars. Number one is My Dad Left Me. "My dad abandoned me and my family. I grew up without a dad." Number two is "My mom is a bitch and her judgements and way of living and thinking were so fundamentalist and judgmental that I hate God." The way you learned about God being a man up in the sky who judges me like my mother does, that is ridiculous. So you hate what you learned about God from your mom. Victor is passionate. Victor has a deep hatred of God, the concept that his mother taught him. It's bullshit to him. Victor prefers to call it Love.
I don't agree with Victor's version of divinity. I don't think it's Love. I think of God as something so vast, I think God is everything that we can see.
Victor: So why can't we simply switch to calling it LOVE instead?
Tita: I don't like it! It's very limiting.
Victor: That's because there is ONLY ONE! Of course it's limiting.
Tita: One what?
Victor ONE LOVE! RELIGION IS DIVISION!
Tita: You get triggered everytime you hear the name God.
Victor: Only because the use of that word is perpetuating the motherfucking hoax that god is, that that is the name we must call it. It only supports god which is really the devil! That is part of the trap! To call something that we have never seen, something that is made up, imaginary, to give that bullshit a name, it's preposterous. The evil bankers are just capitalizing on that stinking word. ¡ME CAGO EN DIOS!
Tita: The reason we are arguing to begin with is because our definitions of God are totally different.
Victor: My definition will kick your definition's ass any day!
Tita: I use God sparingly because I don't have the traumas that you have had.
Victor: You have been fooled.
Tita: No, because I didn't have the upbringing you did.
Victor: You fell for the trick that is god. It worked on you. You have faith in bullshit.
Tita: What I mean is that amimating force...
Victor: I believe in that force too, but why do we have to call it god?
Tita: We don't, but I don't mind it.
Victor: Well then, just start minding it.
Tita: But I don't have the traumas you have. To me, it's everything, it's cosmic energy, the universe, the source, the creator..
Victor: You can't just call it Love instead for me?
Tita: I have to stop and think everytime?
Victor: Just until you learn and get used to it.
Tita: I don't like it when I have to be on tip-toes when I say something that to me is harmless.
Victor: Every time I hear that damned three letter word it reminds me, shit, it's still around and infecting people's sensibilities. The evil just runs itself basically, like a cancer. What a toxic meme.
Tita: What do you want me to call it? I don't want to call it Love.
Victor: That is the ONLY word I want you to call it.
Tita: But honey, when you say when you think of this energy that everything is made of, that you think is good and enjoy....
Victor: Why do you have to call it what everybody else calls it? Why can't you just call it LOVE?
Tita: Can we agree on calling it a third name, maybe?
Victor: Yes, we can call it Amor, but I don't like El Amor, because it's not a man.
Tita: It's non-sexual.
Victor: That's right, it's not human.
Tita: God is the whole fabric of everything around us. Maybe Creation is a better term.
Victor: Calling it god is lame!
Tita: Okay, well, I will make an effort.
Victor: Thank you.
Tita: I won't call it love. I'll call it divine energy.
Victor: No! Praise LOVE! It's all we weed!
Tita: I have much sympathy for you. You were deeply fucked over by your religious nut mom.
Victor: So you pity me?
Tita: Yeah, I pity your upbringing. You were raised by a bible thumper. That is why you are who you are. Your mother is a sheep. My dad was too. My mom wasn't. My mom was a reader, a thinker, a philosopher. My dad was raised by nuns. It makes sense. But, he didn't ingrain it in us like your mom. Granted, when he was younger he got pissed off at my brother Maurice because he married a Jewish woman. You never saw that judgmental side of him.
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