Friday April 19, 2024
12:26pm
Tita: If I make food you are not going to eat it? Yes or no?
::was busy putting together my WDDWM video.
Tita: What I wanted to tell you. I need you to turn around so I can see you. How did you sleep last night?
Victor: Great!
Tita: Was it cold in here?
Victor: Not really.
Tita: Last night we went and flew your sign for a little bit. We didn't make it to see the sun go down.
Anyway, what we were saying, we talked about how we are not happy and we don't see a future together.
Victor: If you are going to remain this way then yeah, I want out. I have more pressing matters to attend to. I don't want to spend the rest of my life hearing you nag all of the time.
Tita: Well, if you didn't give me anything to nag about, it would be a different relationship.
Victor: Ha, I can throw that right back at you.
Tita: I even suggested we go talk to a counselor. We are at that point where that would be helpful.
Victor: I don't think it would be helpful at all. Fuck money and everyone who works for it. I can't trust money. I can't trust slavery.
Tita: You don't want to try and resolve anything then?
Victor: That's right, I have tried enough
Tita: Again, it took me a while, but I do love myself(Victor: Obviously.) and I know how you have been when there was more reciprocity in our relationship, and you want it to be one-way now. You want to receive from me, but not give.
Victor: Listen, if receiving from you is contingent on anything, then I will leave. And happily, quickly, like in a day.
Tita: W-what?
Victor: If receiving from you comes with any complicating contingencies, then I would much rather be free than complicate my life with stress rooted in you. I WILL go be free then.
Tita: Okay, well, I don't know that that means. You are thinking out loud again. Exactly what do you want me to know? I like visual aids.
Look, since I met you I have tried telling you how we must allow, I've changed a lot myself, I am not the same person, so if I don't evolve as you want, and I accept myself in my current state of being...in other words, how I am now, all the hardships that I have had, and now I am losing teeth, all the pain, you have seen me at my worst. That's why I thought we had a good shot at a good relationship.
But, we are at that point where I don't see, you have already made it clear that you don't care, you don't want a woman because this(the laptop) is...
Victor: My purpose in life that is now more important than pleasing you, and will always be.
Tita: But as we have seen, you will take rests for sex, for girls....
Victor: Whatever you want to fabricate.
Tita: I have been reading your journal. I am not the type of girl to, that's now all I want out of a relationship. Just sex. That ain't me. That's why I am not going to try use that against you to try and control you to do my bidding.
Victor: As if I would let you, ha!
Tita: Yeah, it wouldn't happen anyway. Well, obviously, I could if I gave you head like Carol.
Victor: What the fuck ever you want to think. You are still basing how I am going to be with what I have let you know has been in my past, as if I couldn't adapt and be different now. Fuck that shit. THINGS CHANGE! I HATE when you do that. You don't know more than half of the shit you think you do.
Tita: Right, so we agree that we don't see a future with each other, that we have no common goals. There's nothing to salvage.
Victor: Not as long as you don't want world peace as much as I do, and motherfucking show it.
Tita: Well, you already told me that. You were very clear since last year. This is your mission and a woman is baggage.
Victor: So when did you fool yourself into thinking things had changed?
Tita: It's just taken me a while, since you were still loving and kind and sweet. You tried to get me to move away, we had a yard sale, you know what I mean? You were still doing things that to me were still loving and caring. But now, you are not doing anything but focusing on your blog! There's no space. You are neglecting me and our relationship.
Victor: You have had your chances.
Tita: And I have had my chances and I blew it. Like I've told you, I am not good at relationships, I don't know how to negotiate. As you have told me, I am like your mom. All I can do is yap, yap, yap.
So, we agree that we need to let our bond go. That's what you've been trying to tell me. "I don't care about Julieta Elizabeth. All I care about is how you can contribute to my blog." You told me this in a text. I told you, "All I care about is Victor Gruber. In other words, if your mission as to fail I'd still love you. I am not like Carol saying, pretending that I am interested in your mission. I love your mission or anything that you love because I love you.
Victor: That's bullshit.
Tita: You still don't believe me and you probably never will, but that doesn't surprise me. You had a mom that was conditionally-loving. I am unconditionally loving. I have told you before, I go with the flow.
Victor: TRUE LOVE NEEDS CONDITIONS! Or else it is abused.
Tita: Like with me, if you are taking me for granted and think I am always going to be there and not care how you treat me.
Victor: I don't think that at all. I can easily do without you and the ways you slow me down. Just fine. Even better!
Tita: Yeah, I've seen it, honey. You don't think I have seen it? You don't value me. I am nobody.
Victor: Not when you disrespect me and my cause.
Tita: Just in general.
Victor: BECAUSE you don't respect me and my cause! Do you see how that works? Duh!
Tita: I do respect you and your cause.
Victor: Not enough to make me believe you. You do not know how to spend your time wisely. You never learned to since you were so coddled growing up.
Tita: Is that your job? To tell me how to spend my time wisely?
Victor: If you can't see in you what I see in you and continue to waste away all of your potential then YOU ARE NOT on my side. You DO NOT love me and world peace as much as you COULD. You are a half-asser.
Tita: What I am getting at is that you are starving our relationship over and over and you have been.
Victor: It is better off dead.
Tita: And yet, we have to wrap up, we have to disconnect from one another in all ways, including the money. That's where it gets sticky. This is where you and I get to experience when the love dies. We have created so many bonds together, so commonalities. Like I said, that's my laptop. Since we are separating, eventually that's going to stay with me. That's not going to be gifted to you.
Victor: Haha, do you think you hold any power over me with that? The internet is the internet. My blog is permanently online. After all, your dad paid for that laptop and what did I do with it? Not much for him, right? Forget the library of mariachi I downloaded with it.
Your dad would be ashamed of you if he were still alive. "Damnit, my daughter isn't helping the end of Gringo-rule enough. How gringa of her."
You need to stop your dumb Hare Krishna chanting and return to your Latino roots, traitor. You've been co-opted by another countries religion! For shame!
That's right, I don't value you getting in the way of world peace, one fucking bit. Either sue me or become more valuable like you could but don't really want to. At least that's what your inaction shows me.
If only you wanted world peace more than your own security too. Why can't you see the big picture and step up to the plate with me? Why do you have to play on the devil's team?
Tita: What I am trying to say is, that I get that you hate me.
Victor: Fuck you some more for putting words in my mouth and lying. That's all that comes out of your fucking mouth! You can't handle the truth! Shit, if I hated you, trust me, you would motherfucking know it! The last thing you want me to do is hate you.
Tita: Okay, we go back to that we have different needs and different definitions of..
Victor: I hate you lying to me.
Tita: You keep thinking that and I can't change your mind. I accept that you think I am lying to you.
Victor: Do you? Are you lying now?
Tita: What I want to express to you is I am no longer crying over the prospect of losing you because I am lost myself in spirit and that's why I feel lonely, and you don't care to make me feel any other way. You don't care to have a nice, respectful relationship with me. You are receiving that from your friends in the chatrooms.
Victor: Once again, if you don't like what I give you, then you will get nothing at all.
Tita: That's what I am saying. Like this morning when you were giving me reasons I was kind of saying, "I don't give a shit. Even with porn. Watch your porn, do your fantasy shit. Get your threesomes going with...
Victor: You are so fucking stupid.
Tita: Whatever it is that you want to do, you don't owe my any explanation.
Victor: I don't even owe you attention.
Tita: Yeah, you've been begrudgingly giving it to me, the minimum. I get it. I'm getting it. And like I told you the other day, you are abusive. You are abusive of my kindness, my sweetness. Yeah, of course, you're never going to wanna, you are not emotionally mature enough to acknowledge that you've hurt me.
Victor: You have made your own fucking bed. I have acted accordingly.
Tita: Well, it was nice. I am grateful for the practice of being in a relationship. What I have learned with you will be helpful for my next relationship. With all that being said, once more, you don't owe me any explanation, you are not obligated to eat food with me. We are roommates until we completely sever the ties. Because I do value you and respect you and love you unconditionally, and you have made it clear that you don't want a long term relationship with me, right?
Victor: Yes.
Tita: And that you barely tolerate my presence.
Victor: Yes, that's what it's gotten to.
Tita: Again, you are beyond resentment and it's hatred now.
Victor: No, once again, you are fucking wrong.
Tita: Oh, yelling at me, insulting me, that to me is hateful.
Victor: Do you really think it's one-sided and I do it for no reason? You can't even imagine why I would behave that way? That my reactions are totally uncalled for?
Tita: Isn't anyone on this planet going to do what they think is right?
Victor: Nope again! What about all of the stupid people out there that do the exact opposite? All of those uroboric fools.
Tita: You should do what feels right for you.
Victor: Fuck everybody else, right?
Tita: No, in other words your life is centered on making sure your needs are met.
Victor: Are you fucking blind? Have you not read my journal and witnessed all of the risks that I've taken? All of the testing I have been doing?
Tita: But you are not sacrificing anything. You are doing exactly what you enjoy. That's a weird way to think of it.
Victor: I am trying my hardest to get other people to enjoy simplicity too! But nobody wants to, due to their enslaved minds.
Tita: I am just saying that when you love doing what you are doing, how can you consider it a sacrifice.
Victor: I didn't say I was sacrificing. I said I was taking risks. Huge difference.
Tita: Whatever. Now I am no longer asking you what you're doing, I am not going to show interest. Because you have other people now on IRC.
Victor: Because you don't want world peace!
Tita: No, it's because you don't like my editorial style. What is starting to be clear to me is that I have to rewrite your story. In your words. Not using my words but editing it. I've got to be your editor. I WANT to be your editor. I think I would be good at it.
Victor: That's all you do is talk. You can't be any good at things you never get around to doing.
Tita: And how cool would it be, like I said, you are alive! Whether you have high blood pressure or cholesterol, or a genetic propensity to that, hopefully we can do this. I think it would be cool. We don't have to be a couple for it. I can not be in a relationship with you, but still write your story. I might meet somebody else who will give me what I want, like you used to before your mission returned. The undivided attention, the care, the love the nurturing, the support, the stuff that we all want from a long term relationship. So, whatever happens in the future, I can commit to being your editor. What I envision, what would be the highest outcome for you and your mission, I would love be a part of that. That would be cool. Because I know you have a good story. I've told you that from the beginning.
When I was telling my nephew Diego about your family dynamics and how your mom made your dad out to be a monster, he said, "That sounds like a great movie!" Hell, you probably have like four movies or a docu-series that could be created out of your cool life, your cool background that you have.
I think it's pretty cool, and the fact that you documented so much gives me as a potential editor or writer of your life, to be very pleased and anxious to start already, because you have plenty of dates and details. I love it! So I do see that happening between us.
You divorced me a year ago in March, basically. And you do flirt with the girls. That's why you have been chatting with Lovely Tina. Wouldn't it be cool? I am going to be so excited when I find a man that makes me secure and assures me he's not flirting with other women. That's what I am shooting for. The next guy I have, that's going to be high on the list. Somebody who prioritizes me and I don't have to slap his hand on how he interacts with other women. That would be very cool. I am looking forward to that in my next relationship.
Victor: I hope he can learn to appreciate all of your baggage, laziness, fabrication and condescension. To be fair, you should give him a disclaimer the first time you meet.
Tita: I want someone who can love me 100%, even with my quirks and insecurities. That's usually how it goes. That's called unconditional love.
Victor: STFU already, I am going to start calling you Mamada.
Tita: One of your missions is to make all of the girls feel good. Most women aren't going to enjoy that. I am not here to fix that in you.
Victor: As if you had any bearing on that.
Tita: Exactly, I don't give a shit.
Victor: You give enough a shit to talk about it and constantly repeat yourself about it and waste my fucking time having to listen to you!
Tita: So now that we know we are not pursuing a committed relationship anymore. You dropped the relationship last March and I have been clingy. Is that correct?
Victor: Yup.
Tita: And you have been trying to tell me not to cling because you don't give a shit. Correct? Other people are more important. Way more than me! You couldn't have made it more crystal-clear, but again, because I love you, because I thought there was still hope, I let all of that go and let you be abusive to me and my love and willingly gave you my love and care. But not anymore. I am not willing to receive the scraps of anyone's attention, including yours. That's not who I am.
So with no love, no care, and seeing how our relationship is on its way out, you are still a roommate. Correct?
Victor: For the time being, yes.
Tita: Well, as a roommate I need, you have been way behind in contributions as a roommate since you got back from San Antonio. Do you agree with that?
Victor: No, I still think I still do more than you cleaning up the house and doing chores. My effort has always been way more than yours.
Tita: I am talking about since when you came back from San Antone. How many times have you brushed the toilets? In the month of October, let's say.
Victor: Not one time.
Tita: Hold on, I have to find a pen that writes.
Victor: You always have me holding on, usually waiting for you to finally STFU.
Tita: I know that's how you think of me, that Kathy Griffin has nothing on me. That I am a motormouth. So you are not going to clean the toilets?
Victor: I don't know how you plan to enforce any of this.
Tita: Babe, this is between you and me. I am not going to call, I could call Alan or my brothers.
Victor: I fucking dare you to. Do you think I am scared of pain? Like I tell everyone else, thanks for making my story so interesting.
Tita: I am not talking about hurting you. I am talking about them having a conversation with you. But again, you don't respond well to men.
Victor: I don't respond well to having my time wasted either.
Tita: Plus, this is between you and me and god, the universe, everyone, spirit, LOVE. I've heard your stories. You are not a nice guy at the final stages of any relationship you have been in. I am well aware, but that doesn't mean I am not going to try. So you're not wiling to clean the toilets?
Victor: That's right. I do enough around here.
Tita: So you are going to be a lousy roommate?
Victor: Yup, evict me, please. Oh wait, you can't afford it! :P Your lucky I still pay rent.
Tita: Okay, well, you have been slacking on dishes lately. I have been doing them. I've noticed that when I do them at night you don't do them the next morning.
Victor: Only because there's not enough to bother with cause you did them at night, duh.
Tita: So you're not going to do dishes anymore?
Victor: Nope. It's getting to the point where the only thing left for me to do around here is leave. You are just pushing it.
Tita: Pushing what?
Victor: Your luck, making me leave.
Tita: Okay, so when do you want to leave?
Victor: As soon as possible. I am itching to.
Tita: I would like your help with all of the Mount Shasta storage stuff. Are you willing to do that?
Victor: Only if you are willing to back off and let me compute in peace.
Tita: Honey, what I envision, what I have been these past couple of days, where I don't walk into this room. We don't smoke together and I am trying not to smoke, so no more smoking together, right?
Victor: Right.
Tita: We sleep in separate beds. Which is great. I've been sleeping better than ever.
Victor: Me too. I am getting so much work done.
Tita: Don't you think this is a favorable exchange? I will just pretend like you are not available at all. It will be like you're a ghost. You're not going to say hi to me. And you are also saying not to expect your help with anything anymore. No dishes or sweeping? Yard work?
Victor: As long as you insist on putting me in bad mood I AM NOT going to want to help you. It is that simple.
Tita: Well, moods come and go.
Victor: Well, then wait until mine has gone before you ask for help. Because it hasn't yet.
Tita: Oh honey, como te falto una madre.
Victor: I am better off.
Tita: Franklin Gruber Chiari and Ada Irma Torres, YOU GUYS ARE FUCKED UP PARENTS! The difficulties I am having right here with my babe have to do with the lack of a father, and he got left with a shitty mom...
Victor: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Tita: Universo! Que tristeza tiene este character formado por los padres malos que tuvo. Babe, you and I are like on different worlds, because I had a good mom and dad. Just the fact that you are so disconnected from what's wright and what's wrong...
Victor: LOL, how Christian of you to say, to think that I am the one who is all wrong here, who is living the wrong way, who is reacting the wrong way. It's not. It's your thinking that's in the wrong and can prove it to you and all the other dumbass Christians out there who still believe in god.
If you truly believed in LOVE you would be 100% behind me. You don't and I am doubtful you ever will.
Tita: Do you not see how you were duped by other women in the past?
Victor: Do you not see how you could be doing so much more than what you can currently do, BUT YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL A LITTLE GIRL who needs constant attention?
Tita: That's why my next relationship is going to be with a grown man who knows how to take care and guide the little girl in me.
Victor: I wish you much luck. You are definitely going to need it.
Tita: Thank you. I appreciate your good will. You are helping me understand what I don't want i a relationship.
Victor: Me too! Big time! Ditto.
Tita: Yeah, this is the first time you've dealt with a woman who has a strong male. That's why you are not chasing my tail the way you did with Skeletor and helping her even though she was such a cuntrag to you. She knew that it was sex that would make you follow.
Victor: Whatever you want to assume.
Tita: She knew how to work you. You think I am the victim and you want to fix me like tried with her, but I am not.
Victor: I know, I am the victim who has to tolerate all your talking.
Tita: Yeah, poor you. You have never had to tolerate my talking.
Victor: Just like I don't have to this very moment.
Tita: So you are saying that you are not going to help with chores and dishes all because you are in a bad mood.
Victor: Why would I help you with anything when you sit here in my face after I told you I want you to be gone? Do you really expect me to help you that way? By pushing against me?
I mean, I would have the right to leave you so much meaner than this. You fail to understand the scope, the degree of what it is I am doing that you insist on getting in the way of. Since you cannot understand that, we can't be together.
Tita: Is is so much more than that. It's not that simple. That's just the way you see it.
Victor: You are always complicating things unnecessarily. A lot like my mom. I don't expect you to even hear anything that I am saying right now. You always have your preset rebuttals.
Tita: Again, with a narcissist like you, the world is here to serve them.
Victor: Fuck you and your projecting. People don't see the world as it is, but as they are!
Tita: I see the world as beautiful.
Victor: You are the narcissist. You're fucking dumb to see the current world as beautiful. Sure, let's just keep things as they are, when they can be so much more beautiful for everyone else? You are so fucking limited in your thinking.
Tita: You want to be on the groundfloor with the normies, whom you used to shun.
Victor: Bitch, I am trying to educate the normies and that's what you cannot understand, because you are one of them! Or at least as dumb as they are.
Tita: I could care less about the normies. I wish they were all dead, and you want to save them? Stay in their muck with them, stay with the shits of the world. I do not want to invest in humans that are stupid.
Victor: Do you mean just like I have stopped investing in you?
Tita: Because most of them cling to their stupidity.
Victor: Case in point! EXACTLY LIKE YOU DO!
Tita: You hate me, honey! Can you keep it to yourself, your opinion? I would rather you keep it yourself.
Victor: FUCK YOU! YOU NEVER DO! Follow what you say, not what you've done, right? Hypocrite.
Tita: You're so hateful.
Victor: I am just being honest. You're so fuckin' dumb. Just like my parents.
Tita: So much hatred.
Victor: I FUCKING HATE THAT WE HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS FUCKED UP WORLD AS IT IS!
I FUCKING HATE THAT NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE WANT IT TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!
I FUCKING HATE THE FACT THAT IDIOTS LIKE YOU THINK OUR CURRENT WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL AND WANT IT TO STAY THE SAME!
COULD YOUR MIND POSSIBLY GET ANY SMALLER?
ENOUGH WITH YOUR POINTLESS BITCHING! IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME THEN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
Tita: Like you and wasting time on IRC. All the #gulagers do is bitch and complain.
Victor: You don't know shit.
Tita: I have read your chats and the people you chat with. You associate with people that are similarly bitter and hateful.
Victor: I am there to reach and teach them. Just like I have entered your path to help you learn, but it seems you are too dumb to absorb anything from me. You are a lost cause.
Tita: That's is why eventually our paths will deviate.
Victor: Not soon enough.
Tita: You need to eat some mushrooms and connect with your heart again.
Tita: Well, I am glad we talked. I thank you for the love and care that you have given me. Up until now. The respect, when you used to give it to me. Umm, it breaks my heart that you want to go this route.
Victor: Not as much as it breaks mine that you don't want to help me liberate the world of the evil that's in charge. It breaks my heart that you are okay with wanting innocent people to die because they don't know better, deluding yourself into assuming you do instead. Yet, you do very little to support any of your beliefs. It really breaks my heart that I once thought I could trust you to help me and finding out you are only interested if and only you get helped first. Fuck the rest of humanity, right?
Tita: I do want to help you!
Victor: Sure as fuck not un-conditionally like you lie! With your conditions, I can't really use your help.
Tita: What conditions? I am not giving you any conditions.
Victor: Your condition is all the fucking lying you do to me that you don't even know you do. Like promising me you are going to leave me in peace and then you don't! You trick me and that doesn't make me want to help you at all anymore.
Tita: Did I not tell you that I have absolved you from any responsibility...
Victor: And yet, you are still in my presence, distracting me.
Tita: Because I haven't reached a conclusion. You have to respect.....
Victor: Bullshit! You have to deserve my respect. Respect is earned! Just like disrespect! Beeyatch!
Tita: It's just that babe, there is no end to this. There is no end on what you can add to your blog.
Victor: It's because, due to your faulty programming you are inpatient. You want results yesterday! Haven't you heard about what comes to those who have the patience to wait? The exact opposite happens when you can't wait. Impatience breeds disappointment. If you really believed in me you wouldn't mind waiting.
Tita: I don't see any end to it. It's a fixation, an obsession, it's worse than smoking. Did you brush your teeth last night? Did you brush them this morning? You don't give a shit. You don't give a shit about your health. I get it. This is your mission. Like I said, there is never going to be a right time to talk to you.
Victor: Sure there will be. You are just not patient enough to wait.
Tita: You are not ever going to be in a better mood, because these aren't pleasant topics, are they? I get that. So I guess we'll just play it by ear everyday. You are human, and we started out with a lot of love, amazing love. I don't want our relationship to end even though it is ending because you are not feeding it, right? I want us to get along while we are under this roof, okay? I just want you to understand that you can go in the kitchen at any time and make your food. Don't feel weird about it, even though you haven't.
I just want you to understand that just because we are in the process of breaking up eventually as we unwind our business matters and our hearts. We are not feeding the love anymore, we are not caring. I am acknowledging this now. It is on it's way out. In a partnership both people need to feed it. I don't want to be in a codependent relationship. We never have been one. Again, that doesn't mean that I am happy being in a relationship where I am not appreciated more. Now I know of the limits of what you give me, of what you want to give me, because of that, I choose to say no. I don't want t be with someone who doesn't prioritize the woman in his life. I am just now accepting it and seeing it for what it really is. I am good with letting the relationship go. Like I said, I think it's important that we keep our energy apart. It's going to hurt as we yank the roots we made.
Victor: What I am doing right now, this second, that you getting in the way of, is, you know how this song is in Filipino, right? Well, I am going through every single verse and translating it, so I can listen to the song and know what they are saying. All over 30 verses to this song. It's the second multi-cultural karaoke hack I have done. I am going to make a whole section for them. This should be really important. Do you know how many hip-hop fans are out there? This will get so many people reading my shit.
This will serve as such a huge stone in my sling. That is why I have become so drastic and stern with you. I am doing some work of global importance here. I can't wait. I can't wait to see of what I think to DO next.
Tita: You are giving it your all and you have the expectation that this will give you followers. You have been saying the same thing about everything that you are doing. "Oh, I am going to get all the Trevor Moore people this way."
Victor: I am not going to stop collecting until my blog screams! Then I will be blessed with the next thing to DO! The rabbit holes is how I find these.
Tita: I guess what I am trying to get through to you is, that regardless of what happens between us I feel like you have been lagging so hard, as a roommate, that I would like your help. I was going to even ask you, before you got in your bad mood, if you could do three hours a day. At first you said you would, but then you got pissed. I am not going to wait around until you are in a good mood. I guess I am just trying to figure out when I can count on you, if I can. Can I give you some positive feedback?
Victor: Finally, you ask permission before you start jabbering. Go ahead.
Tita: I believe you are now doing the same thing you did when you picked up your mission again. Your behavior patterns are very easy to figure out after all of the journal reading I have done. I was reading last night where you say, "It's me and the kids. I am here for the children." Everything that comes out of your mouth, you have already said before. You have a script of your life. They haven't changed a lick. I know that it's helped when you read it too. Like the fights you've had with me, you've had already with Cocksucker Carol Cook. The same words.
The only difference is that you didn't have an ex there to say hi to on New Year's Eve. There was no ex-conflict because Chasity wasn't in the picture. Same things like you saying, "You're holding me back," and her saying you are bipolar. At that time you understood, you believed her. "But I love her," you would say. Even though you had tried to break up countless times. You have been replaying the same script non-stop.
Victor: Only because I am the same person. Why would I feel any different?
Tita: It's kind of positive, isn't it? I am not saying it in a bad way. I was reading the other night. Do you want me to show you?
Victor: I have remained consistent.
Tita: With everything. Even your little papers with havethisbook.com. Back then you were writing them out to give to people. Your sisters and your mom helped you with your dental work. You never made appointments for yourself. It has always been women taking care of you. I am just saying you are back where you were, no changes, and you want it that way! You like the consistency of the past. That's why you wear those t-shirts.
Victor: I need the momentum. I need to pick up where I left off. I am trying to.
Tita: I guess that's what I am trying to tell you, that you've been doing the mission anyway, just in different ways. Even after you took your old site down, you have been giving of yourself whole-heartily, to everyone you met. Especially the women.
You have been consistently a Karma Yogi. You have been giving and putting your health and your wealth and credit, and even a whole summer's worth of tips at the headwaters you gave it to that Skeletor bitch Tracee Houghton, six hundred bucks. You gave that to her willingly.
Because sometimes you act like a man, a provider. I feel, this is my conjecture, subject to all of my biases, I feel that, in your relationship with Tracee at least, it was very much codependent. You enjoyed having her depend on you. You enjoyed being the one to provide the catfood.
Victor: Whatever you want to think and believe, but I did not. I was just being nice to be nice. I was dumber back then.
Tita: You probably felt like you were filling the fatherly role. Oh, we went off on tangent. I have just noticed that you have the same exact thoughts and ideals. They have not changed at all. You have been speaking the same words when it comes to your true beliefs. You have been consistent.
It really shows how strong you are in your beliefs! You have a certain brain and I have a different brain and your brain rests on the same ideas. That's probably why you didn't want to include me. Like before I suggested you write up a little bio.
Victor: I only want people who will read it all, to read it. I know that's a tall order but eventually a couple people might.
Tita: I am just saying that you have been very consistent. You talk about the kids. You talk about the world ending in 2012. You were sure that that would happen. It is impressive how consistent you are. It makes sense why you resisted my feedback. I am glad you are open to the feedback now. Even with seeker.
Victor: We have had some good shares.
Tita: It's just cute how you've tapped into your past.
Victor: I have successfully resumed my mission and I want to go fast.
Tita: You are repeating words by deep-set grooves. When you learn Yoga you learn to let go of those grooves. That's why you don't listen to music from your past, it's not encouraged. You want to start brand new with zero grooves. Meditation helps you achieve that.
Imagine you were the water bearer and you had your buckets. Those were the tools of the trade. You had your buckets, you had yur ideals and one of them was, "I am here for the kids. The kids are the future. I want to help the kids. That is who I am here for. When you resumed last year, what I think, is that you did pick up the buckets again. The exact same buckets, because that groove has been formed in your head for so many years that you walked.
Victor: I would love to go out and recite my story again.
Tita: When you were with Carol, you guys did everything together. As your mom told me, nobody can tell you what to do. You do things when you want to. And you wanted to. You were still in the courting phase with Cocksucker, Criminal Carol.
Victor: I saw Carol as a dready mama revolutionary.
Tita: That's how deluded you were. She was not a revolutionary. She was a very money-hungry evil woman. She used you for labor.
The reason I am saying this is that it's really interesting. Your life story is really interesting. And I think you are really influenced by the Christian precept that money is evil. "How hard is it for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven? Eye of a needle." No wonder you are against money.
Victor: STFU! Christians have nothing to do with me being against money. You come up with the dumbest conclusions. My hunch that we don't need money all started when I was walking around in San Antonio and I got hungry and all the Mexican restaurants I asked for "gasoline for my stomach" willingly fed me! That is what showed me how we don't need money.
Tita: That's true, but you seem to think that there is nobility in being homeless, that it's a good quality to not have money.
Victor: Being homeless will teach you so many things. You should try it sometime. It will show you firsthand how fucked up the world is! I guess until you are homeless you are not going to learn it. Do you think everything is just fine and dandy?
Tita: Well, most homeless do it because they have addictions. A lot of people go homeless because they don't want to follow rules.
Victor: So in a lot of cases, it makes being homeless preferable and more happiness-deriving than being a slave under rulership. I highly recommend "going broke." If you have the balls.
Tita: I don't want to be seen as a crystal meth-head or a stoner. It's a good thing not to be homeless. My dad thought so. That's why my mom and dad wanted me to have this house. They didn't want me to be homeless. Than you, mom and dad. I think that video is in Filipino. I saw Manila.
Tita: You used to read a lot, honey. Almost every day you were reading something. And I could see where your obsession took over. And when you came back from San Antonio you were right the same typing groove you were in two decades ago. Not sleeping, typing nonstop. This extended period you've had since coming back from San Antone, you can see it happen in July of 2007.
Tita: You exhausted. You did what Bashar says to do. Take your highest passion and have no expectations, but you do have expectations. You said it just now, that you're going to get these people to respond.
Victor: I just have a general, flexible direction in mind. More than half the fun is getting there.
Tita: That's why you have conflict with me. You see me as your mom. I your journal in 2007 you said, "When my mom comes back I am leaving." Because you don't like being told what to do. You didn't like her guilt trips. That's why you think of me as a mom because I ask you to do shit. You don't think of me as a wife anymore or as a lover or as a girl because you think of me as your mom. That's why you've been acting out like a teenager. "Oh, you don't like me doing this? I'm gonna do it some more!" Childlike behavior.
Victor: Sometimes I have to stoop down to your level, little girl.
Tita: So you spent months busy at the computer and then you said, "My mom is coming back from Puerto Rico so I'm leaving, and you did! It was after you were doing NOTHING but being on IRC, you were making your videos, updating your blog, it was really amazing to me.
You did what Bashar said, you exhausted what you love most to the point where your sisters were noticing, you weren't doing anything around the house, you weren't having a good time with your family at all. They did take you out to Olive Garden, I think, to celebrate your departure. Your mom got you shoes. Sometimes your family was there for you and they did help.
Victor: Purely out of guilt for all of their other shortcomings as family members.
Tita: Over and over you went above and beyond for them and from what I can see you were kind and loving. I think you have been a real good son and a pretty good brother and I think your mother and sisters, like women they felt entitled to your love. It seems like, it's hard to say. What did you tell me, "That I should be catering to, that I should treat you like a god."
Victor: When will you ever stop being such an exaggerator? All I said was that you should be kissing my ass. :P
Tita: You treated them like, "Let me do this for you, let me fix this problem." You were at their beck and call. They were the queens who thought they would always be able to rule you. But I have the sense that you knew better than them throughout.
Victor: I was just testing them.
Tita: You had some harmony with them, at least that summer. Other summers were really bad. From the getgo on your returns you were always angry and in a bad mood. After the summer of 07 after you left Carol and hitched your way back you started out very positively. You started out in balance, where somedays you only spent a few hours on the computer in the afternoon. Some days you weren't off the computer at all, because you'd spend all your time on IRC. Other days you did nothing but clean the house.
Tita: Little by little, what happened is the same thing that is happening now. You are here doing nothing but your blog. You are not exercising and not doing anything for yourself. Once you exhausted that, that's when you felt that you had to leave.
Victor: Like I have always said. I am a self-programmed peace machine.
Tita: You can tell you weren't happy. You use the nick levity, but you don't seem happy.
Victor: True, I could be so much happier.
Tita: Even when you chat with girls.
Victor: Cut your stupid shit!
Tita: Do you want me to show you?
Victor: No, I want you to leave me the fuck alone!
Tita: I am just saying.
Victor: IDGAF what you are saying. Please leave me in peace already. I am busy here.
Tita: It's just interesting to me how your brain works. And it works in the past. You have put yourself in such ruts, or cycles of patterns, like you said back then, wherever you were you would always return on the 6th of June. Three years in a row! You wanted that regularity! But now it's become bigger!
Tita: When I met you you were not on the computer or phone barely at all. You had some regularity. You would fall and rise with the sun. at 9 religiously you were out like a light. You took little jobs here and there to have a little extra money. Mostly for weed and dabs. You'd help people here and there. You had a lot of balance back then. Your lifestyle was way more natural.
You had let your cause languish for a long time and now you are making its roots bigger. Now you are feeding it every day so much, that it is exploding! You are fertilizing it with your love and your care and attention.
Victor: We could've been gone a year ago, damnit. But you are trapped in your past. I know I am too, but at least I learn from it.
Tita: You have been here for me over and over. And I am grateful. You got to witness my life through this bullshit. And dad and you exchanged so much love. You finally got to know a hint of what it was like to have a great dad. Hold on, I want to add another insight. Let me get something to write with. I want this documented.
Victor: Well, then you should be glad to know that I have been recording all of this time and you can just read it on my blog after I post it. :P
Tita: Honey, I do not give you permission to publish any of this. This private conversation. Got it?
Victor: Alright.
Tita: Hehe, then why are you recording?
Victor: Umm, for myself.
Tita: Do you promise me?
Victor: Yeah.
Tita: That you will not publish this conversation because I never gave you permission. You never told me I was being recorded.
Victor: I don't really need to.
Tita: To publish anything that I speak, yes you do.
Victor: Sorry, but the rules are totally different on the internet. Nobody is going to sue me and draw attention to me.
Tita: But they are my words, Elizabeth Vera's.
Victor: I know and I am going to publicize them all!
Tita: I don't want you to.
Victor: Then stop talking. That's all you can do if you don't want to be on my blog. I fucking dare you to stop talking.
Tita: This has to be said.
Victor: And I am recording it. So be sure the next thing you say isn't dumb, please.
Tita: Can you turn it off?
Victor: I can, but I'm not gonna.
Tita: Why are you like this, Victor?
Victor: Isn't it obvious? I am like this because I want you to stop talking! If you don't want to stop, the next best thing for me to do is record you and hope you say some stupid shit and help make my blog interesting that way instead. Hopefully it will be something you regret saying. I will teach you to shut up one way or another.
Tita: I have something important to say to you.
Victor: Well then think before you speak, because way more than me is going to be able to read it. Choose your words wisely. Say it then.
Tita: I don't want to be recorded for posterity.
Victor: Then it mustn't be that important and you won't mind shutting up.
Tita: All of this should just be between me and you.
Victor: Are you going to lie to me some more? Because that's the only reason I would think somebody would have a problem with being recorded.
Tita: I do not like broadcasting my voice anywhere. It doesn't have to be recorded.
Victor: I have had to wait for you to leave me alone for how long now? You just keep dragging this on. (Tita starts chanting annoyingly) I just looked at the recording and you've been babbling for a whole hour and twenty minutes now.
Tita: This is what I want to share with you. Please turn it off.
Victor: Nuh-uh.
Tita: Come on, don't be like that. Do you want me to turn it off for you?
Victor: I would love for you to try. I won't allow you to.
Tita: This is the side of Victor, this is for all of Victor's listeners, this is the side of Victor you don't see.
Victor: Go ahead, spill the beans. See if I give a figgity-fuck.
Tita: Victor is abusive.
Victor: Only when I don't get the peace I want.
Tita: Victor takes advantage of the weakness of women.
Victor: I repeat, when I don't get the peace I want. Like I told Charlie, you will thank me in the end.
Tita: Victor does not know how to honor....
Victor: You are really showing your desperation right now.
Tita: Victor takes advantage....
Victor: And Tita doesn't want world peace. She works for the dark side.
Tita: Oh right, I am THE DEVIL! Victor's dad even said in an email, "Elizabeth Vera is the best thing you have going for you. Does she fear god?" Victor and his dad, as much as they are at odds with each other probably because dos agujas no se pican. Victor's dad and Victor's mom and now Victor think of me as THE DEVIL! The religious programming goes deep. You may think he is more advanced than his parents but he is not. So Victor, what I wanted to share with you that I thinkn is urgent. Let me stop this.
Victor: No, it's not going to be stopped. We are on live. :]
Tita: Why are you so disrespectful?
Victor: Because I want to disrespect you right now, duh. You piss me off and I want you to leave me alone. You are the one disrespecting me and I am letting you have a taste too.
Tita: How many times have you asked permission to include someone on your site if you could post their conversation?
Victor: How many times is irrelevant. I get to choose when I do that, and when I don't. Do something about it. I dare you to.
Tita: That's what I am saying. That's where the abuse comes on.
Victor: Let me quote Trevor Moore. Tough-titty.
Tita: If my brothers were here or my nephew were here, you would act differently, but because we are alone you take advantage.
Victor: I repeat, tough-shit. What are you going to do about it?
Tita: Oh, but Roses and bongadier, they get the star treatment. Victor is nice for show. That's why Victor only has superficial relationships. Victor, up close and personal, the true Victor is abusive in inter-personal relationships.
Victor: Therefore, I shouldn't have any! Duh! Idiot.
Tita: Do you see how Victor disrespects himself? Everyone is a reflection of each other. Victor hates himself because he hates me.
Victor: I hate how you are in denial. I hate how you cannot even fathom the thought that world peace could possibly be more important than you and worthy of my obsession. Get over yourself.
Tita: It's more important than you too? That's why you don't bathe or feed yourself.
Victor: Bitch, just don't worry about me anymore. Worry about yourself first
Tita: I am not!
Victor: Then shut up!
Tita: You can't tell me to shut up.
Victor: I just did.
Tita: I am not going to listen.
Victor: So? I can still tell you to shut up. So don't think I can't.
Tita: So baby, I want to tell you something. Will you please listen?
Victor: It's recording so I will listen later. Go ahead. I am busy right now. Thanks again for asking.
Tita: This is for your betterment.
Victor: Go!
Tita: You act like a female. You learned from your mom and your sisters how to act like a female.
Victor: I am not ashamed of that.
Tita: So, with women, what I have noticed is, the common denominator is that you want nurturing that your mom probably didn't give you enough of. You didn't get enough nurturing, you didn't get enough hugs, enough affection, enough true unconditional love.
Victor: Diana sure did!
Tita: She's the princess! Are you kidding me? Diana is the most high. She's not going to admit that. You didn't get enough nurturing, hugs, affection and unconditional love, which means you are angry. Your mom has told me too, that she only wants the sweetness, she only wants the good times. It happened when Lauri had Covid, your mom shunned her and things went bad. Your dad was more loving and nurturing in Laura's bad time. Your mom is like a fair-weather friend. That's why she loves Diana because Diana provides her with shits and giggles and money and trips, all expenses paid.
Tita: I believe I have kind of figured out why you don't get along with men. So, if you learned to give love like a woman, I'll clean for you, this is how you learned to get by. Cleaning up after women. These are acts of service, that's your love language. Actually, your love language is touch. Because you received so little when you were a kid from your mom, that's why subsequent women, all they had to do was touch you, hold you, like that girl who gave you a handjob at Sam's apartment, and that was enuogh for you to fall in love.
This is why any affection from a girl, any touch, the smallest will give you that hard on, will give you the desire, because you got so little growing up, that when you get it from any girl to you that means love.
This is what I have decided, I think is what's going on with you. So, you see any touch by a girl as a sexual advance. And then in 2007 you read up about the Free Hugs movement. You have definetely always hugged girls. Whether it's appropriate or not. You usually asked, but it's been a pattern, more than likely. You don't do this with men. You do it because there's always going to be that feeling because your mom didn't fill that void. She didn't love you enough. It makes sense that you want to hug women.
Next thing. The reasons you have conflicts with men, think about it this way. All the women, from what I have seen and what you have told me, right when you get in their home, you would immediately, whether or not it was a pig sty, start cleaning up. Again, your act of service because this got you love from your family, the women in your life, growing up.
Victor: That might have a little to do with it, but I still go on my old saying that feeling welcome at a place you're not paying rent at is priceless. I have always wanted to help just to help.
Tita: What I am getting at is that the thing that created the most happiness from what I see, from what you've journaled, is when you did that act of love, of service, which is Let Me Clean For You. You told me that in junior high and high school you did all of the chores. The girls loved it. Because your formative years you spent doing household things for women, to you, you knew that that was a sure-fire way to get approval, which we all want, right? We all like that feeling that we are contributing in a good way, right? So you did acts of service through house-cleaning. That's your number one way of showing love. That's what I think. Why do I think that? In all of your journals you can see that wherever you went, you did that for women.
So, what the women are going to do is eat that up! They're going to love it.
Victor: Like I didn't know. :]
Tita: Then again, you didn't have anybody guiding you to show you what was appropriate and not. Many times you did overdo it. You created a Karmic debt where you gave so much out of your loneliness, out of your need to feel loved, that they knew there was in imbalance and would just milk you for all you were worth. Women knew right away how easy it was to take from you. That's why they ket asking, because you always said yes. You had an incapacity to say no. That's how I see the pattern going.
Now the conflicts you had with men over and over, there was an instance in the summer of 2007 that you were hanging out at some dude's house, a house where people were coming and going. In this house you got into a fight and got asked not to come back. This happened a few times. With men, this is what I think happens.
Victor: That sounds like Bo, in the New Territories neighborhood. He was such a greedy ass. Right after he sells me some weed he expected me to load a bowl and smoke him out. He was all, "Come on, you're so generous, remember?"
Tita: Yes, these are patterns that you did learn and keep repeating infinitely or you say I am going to stop it. But women would ask for more of you once they realized how easy you were. Of course, some women would give, "Here's a bag of food." Kat's was a girl whose house you would go to a lot. There was a girl named Sarah who had a child who you would visit. These women gave you things, these were the good mothers. So most mothers would love having a spare son. Any woman in your midst enjoyed what you lavished on them. Kindness, sweetness, you would go there and show them funny things. You knew and you know now how to please a woman, because you did that with your mom and your sisters. You know what makes them happy. They don't want to scrub the toilet. They don't want to sweep. That gives them the opportunity to do other things.
Now, this is where the conflict comes in with the men. Men think, "This is a man coming, but then you do the womanly chores." You kind've thought, "Me doing their chores is my ticket to having a positive relationship with these guys." As you know, men take this for granted.
Victor: That reminds me of Troy from Minnesota. He didn't mind me cleaning. He told me I could stay as long as I wanted.
Tita: I've had this conversation with Alicia, my cousin over there, Nancy Gross, but men, typically, especially the chauvinist ones, and you have a touch of chauvinism in you.
Victor: I don't think men are better than women.
Tita: I think that you think that women are good for sex.
Victor: Umm, that's because I am not gay.
Tita: Does that imply that when you are nice to men that you want sex out of it.
Victor: How does that make any sense when I am not gay! What it implies that I don't do my cleaning acts for sex!
Tita: Well anyway, is that there is chauvinism. Women do this and men do that.
Victor: I still yet to see how that makes me chauvinist.
Tita: You have that quality in you. Just like dad. Your sister said that in her video, that her dad was a chauvinist. You probably picked that up from daddy.
Victor: "Chauvenism, definition. Excessive or pregidous support for one's own cause or group. In particular, make pregidous against women."
Tita: You think that women are there to satisfy your sexual needs. It's all over your blog.
Victor: I call bullshit! I don't think women exist just so I can fuck them. That's not all over my blog.
Tita: Do you want me to show you?
Victor: I have never thought that women are just there for my sexual needs! So fuck you! You couldn't show me, because it's not there.
Tita: Well, you've done things in order to get sex. Exclusively to get sex.
Victor: When?!
Tita: That's a chauvinistic quality.
Victor: When?! See, you can't show me shit. Some more of your little girl bullshit. You are really pissing me off! Why are you still here bothering me! It's been like two fucking hours already! Why? Just out of spite? Don't you have anything to do?
Tita: Yeah, I have many things to do.
Victor: Has anybody ever told you that your time-management skills need fucking work? I HAVE BETTER SHIT TO DO THAN TO LISTEN TO YOUR BULLSHIT!
Tita: What I am getting at is that with women, that summer things worked out swimmingly because you were giving the good stuff. Now, when you do this for men, because men expect women to do that, they don't value it. You didn't get the same appreciation, because the men figure you are doing it because you want to. You were testing the boundaries and instead of offering sex you offered help cleaning. When men saw this they wanted to see how much you could do. They became assholes to you. They didn't give you consideration for the housework you were doing.
Victor: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING SPACE, PLEASE! YOU ARE TESTING, YOU ARE PUSHING MY FUCKING LIMITS!
Tita: Okay, I am sorry. You don't think this is important?
Victor: No, I have stopped caring. If it's that important write it down and I will read it later!
Tita: I only thought it would be important for you to understand. That's all. It's interesting to uncover these patterns and find out why you have had trouble with men. I'm sorry, babe.
Victor: You are not!
Tita: I am!
Victor: Why don't you stop then?
Tita: Because I thought the value....
Victor: I DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO START UP AGAIN!
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