042524

Thursday April 25, 2024

1:03pm  What do you have to share this morning, Tita?

Tita:  That we have been in the Mercury Retrograde and we just had a full moon too, in Taurus, in Scorpio.  The sign of Scorpio is really intense.  We have been fighting a lot.  This is something that you are cautioned against during retrograde.  Not to get into big arguments, not to sign contracts because communication is awry.  It's indirect.  It's opaque, not clear.  There's an opportunity there though.  If you do have the discussions it's going to bring up, it releases what was there.  It's like stirring up the pot.  When you stir up the pot like that it brings up issues that were repressed, that we don't usually talk about.  So honey, this has been really helpful.  

Now, supposedly there's a shadow period and that's going to last another two weeks, I think.  It is still catching up to us.  It's not yet direct.  Mercury going direct means that if you say something, that's like taking steps, right?  But being retrograde out communication goes backwards and that's why we talk about the past.  You did this and that hurt me and why did you do that.  All of these arguments and thins that we don't like about each other.  These are things that normally, in order to have a happy-go-lucky existence with any relationships we don't talk about these things that are in the way, the things that upset us.  We don't want to go there because we love the person more and these issues aren't even that huge, but again nobody can keep things hidden in their psyche.  They get recorded.

This is why since I met Victor I've told him about being mindful.  What I say, how is that going to impact, does it even matter?  Should I speak it?  If I compliment somebody did I really mean it?   No, not usually.  Usually I am just being nice.  Or I am noticing something that I want to notice.  It's not really reality.  It's a reflection of how I feel?  

Victor:  You wanted to make them feel nice, the same nice you feel when someone compliments you.

Tita:  Yeah, but we go back to it's just a projection of what you want, and the fact that you shouldn't take anything personally.  Because you wanted that interaction, that's why you extended the compliment, whereas somebody else would say nothing or choose to be negative.  It all goes back to what aspect of you are you projecting unto them.  Sometimes communication IS about going backwards.  Like, "Hey, you know this past year, this really bothered me.  I didn't talk about it much, but it was really bad.  Victor and I almost broke up last year.  I didn't want anything to do with him, yet we were living together.  Because of how we interacted together neither of us cared for each other.  We let each other go.  That's why Victor was furiously trying to reconnect with people, because he noticed that I wasn't connecting with him.  The juice had gone out of my life temporarily.  It's called depression.  If I didn't have happiness in my heart he couldn't connect with me.  he used to.  

I didn't do it on purpose, but it happened last year.  I decided I am not going to give Victor much attention.  I don't like so many things and nothing's changing?  I am giving up.  I am throwing in the towel.  I'll just go with the flow because I do love him and I want to stay with him.  Months later Victor saw that or felt that and thought, "I don't have Elizabeth.  I don't have the love of my life present like she used to be.  Let me go back to my first love, my mission.  That's what ended up happening.  Now we have a battle between, "Hey, can I get an hour of time a day?  Versus nothing?"  And you're thinking, "But I gave you everything for four years now."  And again, that's not productive, because we <i>did love our relationship so much that we were there for each other for four years, happily.  So if I checked out at the four year mark, there was a reason.  Those reasons have now come up and we've discussed them.  

Victor:  The frustration came when I saw you were not going to commit yourself to world peace.  It became obvious that your peace and needs were more important to you than the peace and needs of our entire world.  That's why I lost hope in you.  You are so bright and intelligent.  Our union was story-book perfect.  What better teammate could I yearn for than you, who has lived in the flow of love for so long, has been off the "hamster-wheel" for so many years, has been rejected by her family for being so loving, like I had with mine.  

        I have been hiring since day one with you, but you are so used to not working and being spoiled all of your life.  So if you don't want to take the ONLY JOB available to you, since no one else is going to hire you after being out of the workforce for so long.  So it's a volunteer position, so what?  We have our needs covered with SSI, and I AM PROVIDING YOU a way to continue your stress free life without having to slave away to "the man" in a town you don't want to be in, why wouldn't you come "work" for me?  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  You are in NO position to be happier without me and what I know desire and expect from.  

I am ready to live in a new world without money or greed, but if you are going to get in the way of me living in that world then it is obvious that you don't want world peace for the rest of the world.  You just want it for you and fuck everybody else.  Greed shall be your downfall then, because I plan to exit.  WORLD PEACE FOR EVERYONE IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN PEACE JUST FOR YOU!  So if you don't want to jump on my wagon, you can eat my dust then.  

If you can't handle dreaming with me and soaring with me, then FUCK YOU!  I require a teammate who is willing to risk more.  I AM BETTER OFF ALONE!  The whole planet is.  Like my dumbfuck parents, you've made your own bed of your own choosing.

Tita:  We go back to I need so little in my life that I was getting all of my social interaction with you.  

Victor:  I am enabling your do-nothingness.  If you don't want my easy job then have fun looking for the other kind.

Tita:  That's how I over-watered you.  That's a lack of boundaries.  That's the inner child in me saying, "Victor isn't the way he used to be.  He's not giving me his love and attention anymore.  Oh shit, what am I going to do?"  What did I tell you like a week ago?  I need to reconnect with other people.  I DO have other people but I have been neglecting them and putting the burden on you to make me happy.  Not even to make me happy, but to be social with.   Even in Mexico we realized in the morning how you get up about your day and get your energy going, you don't want to talk.  You are not in a sociable mood in the morning.  So what did I do?  I was talking to strangers.  I was chitchatting because I do have the need for social interaction when I wake up.  Not always, but often.  Then again, life is messy.  Life is not easy(It could be if you didn't complicate it unnecessarily.)

Victor just had a discussion via text with Diana, bringing up all the things that bother him.  Victor didn't get angry in a vacuum.  That's what they may see, but if they don't take the time to say, "Hmm, why is he angry?  That doesn't sound right.  What's going on?  What's behind the anger?"

Victor:  I am just expressing what I feel I have the right to!

Tita:  But again, they are his family that are estranged.  They don't know Victor.  They haven't been around him.  

Victor:  They wrote me off decades ago and "gave me to god."

Tita:  They did write you off, and it's easy to dismiss someone.  "Oh, he's angry?  I don't want to talk to him.  He's mean."  But WHY is he mean?  Maybe there are valid reasons why he's angry at you.  Hmm, have you thought of asking him?  "Victor, there is obviously more stuff behind this than this interaction.  Obviously there is other stuff that we haven't addressed, because you are really angry and I don't know what I did to make you so angry."  NONE of Victor's family had that discussion with him when he was going through a lot of turmoil last September while he was traveling. 

If you look at the texts who was the one who said, "Oh shit, you have a lot of things you need to discuss.  We need to talk.  This is serious.  

Victor:  I still think it was so cool when I had that gnarly getting soaked by the sprinklers incident and I got rescued and whisked away to a rest area and ended up getting a ride to a laundromat to dry my stuff off.

Tita:  Again, you have to go through the mess.  Me and you, basically we went through a separation last year.  Even though we were living together, we were miles apart.  I was in childhood mode.  Victor told me you'd take care of me.  You don't have to work.  I am going to sell these t-shirts.  I believed him.  What happened to me?  I regressed to a four year old when I was in kindergarten.  I wasn't even wearing clothing, I'd go around like a child.  I was binge-watching Netflix shows from my childhood.  I was living it up as a kid.  I wasn't paying bills, wasn't even opening up the mail.  The little few things Victor wanted, I gave him.  "Oh, he wants me to make dinner?  I guess, but I really don't want to."  Victor didn't know that he was inviting me to be my inner child.  That means I was 100% dependent on him.  For everything.  Of course, is he going to like that as an adult who hasn't seen me be that way?  Who has seen me be in charge.  He saw me as a child, not happy, not doing anything, not walking the dogs.  I didn't want to acknowledge it, but I was depressed.  That's what happens to me.  I have had several serious depressions in my past, but every depression is different.  

I've told Victor, if you see me happy and eating a lot and moving around and being creative and over extending myself, doing this, doing that, like I was when I met him, that's me in my stride.   Right?  When things are happening and I am moving and I am seeing, I'm reading, I have no time because I am so busy.   That is more my style.  So we have learned a lot.  

Estos plaitos que hemos tenido, otra ves, tenemos que ir para atras porque esas cosas nos dolio.  Ahora estamos en dos semanas donde basicamente vamos a comencar a ir adelante.  That's when we'll resolve the issues that were brought up.  All of this that got stirred up, I am going to learn how better to have a relationship with Victor.  This has all been about me, as Victor knows.  He's touched off my inner wound and I have touched off his.  He's leared, "Oh shit, this is what it's like when someone attaches to you.  This isn't love anymore.  My babe isn't acting the way she used to be."  I am trying to tell him that it's because you're not giving me the confidence that you used to.  If I knew, if you treated me better, the way you used to before your blog was reborn, I would have no issues.  It's because I want to feel closer to you, because I miss our connection, that's why I keep trying to attach.  It's not being productive because we are not addressing what I need to be addressed, which is I love you, Elizabeth, no matter what.  That's what I wanted to hear.  And "You're my one and only, no one can replace you.  You are my queen."  That is how Victor had been treating me.  I've been treating him the same.  When he stopped treating me that way, and not even stopped.  Recently, it's been we have seperate lives.  We sleep at seperate times.  We don't sleep togther or eat together, we're angry.  It's like we are seperated but still live in the same house.  That's what sucks.  That's what I have been reacting to.  It's a catch-22, isn't it?  

So I've learned Victor's right, I need to have other friends.  I need to water other relationships than just him.  Not only with the people that still exist, that I do love still, but I've just been not talking to, but also new relationships, the way he has found.  New people to interact with, to teach and to share my love with.  That's what I have been missing.  

I am learning.  All this has created in me the chaos necessary to say, "Weren't I happy before I met Victor?"  Yeah, didn't I do things that replenished me without needing a relationship before?  Oh yeah!  I love myself!  I love doing things, I love doing this and that.  Now, I am returning back to me.   Slowly, little by little, I am disconnecting from Victor and realizing I need to put the love into me!  Self-love.  That's what I have been preaching on Facebook for years.  If you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else.  The love that you give to others is a reflection of the love that you give to you.   I ,need to build myself up back up and disconnect from Victor and not give him so much and expect so much, because at the end of the day, whether he leaves me, whether I ask him to leave, I am still only with myself.  I have only always been by myself, and I have always enjoyed myself!  I need to remember that.  I need to remember what is it that I enjoy?  Singing?  Love, the Beatles will put me in a good mood.  Gardening.  That's something we haven't done.  I didn't do it last year because we know we are leaving.  Right now we need less instead of more.  This is where we are.  We are in the process of doing and going forward.  

It's exciting to learn that we are in Mercury Retrograde.  These discussions we have had have been very helpful.  Victor and I know the issues and we are on our way to mending all of these fractures that we've had in our love and our reactions.  So we can only get better.  

Also what you did with Diana.  He communicated what was in his heart.  Things that are bothering him, the reasons why he was angry last September.  She didn't know because that interaction triggered in Victor, "Oh shit, I am not valued at all to my family.  There was even that time when she had offered if we ever need any money, then later when we needed a new fridge for the bus and reminded Diana of her offer she totally denied it.

Tita:  I was there on the line I heard her say, during Covid, "Do you guys need anything?  Are you okay?  Do you need groceries?  Can I help you in any way?"  She offered, but she was probably saying that to every person she was interacting with.  Did you guys ever give each other presents growing up?  Maybe this could be an opportunity for Diana to feel good about NOT BEING CHEAP with her brother.  

Most people have pride, so we denied her offer, "It's cool, I can do it."  Then it got to the point where our little fridge broke and food was spoiling, maybe Diana can spare the $70 and order one for us, I suggested.  Me thinking Diana would see it as, "Oh shit, my brother who gets poverty wages due to his disability is out in the woods in a bus and his food is rotting?"  That just rubbed me the wrong way when she denied offering it.  It was sad.  And again, these things we kept inside, we didn't talk about it.  Also because of our physical distance and our natural reluctance to bring up something negative.  

So, all of these things that Victor has now introduced to Diana, somehow they will either trickle down or they won't.  At least somebody in his family is aware of the reasons why Victor has been angry at them.  He has been angry with them with things that he bottled up.  I wish I didn't hurt anybody, but if these things are happening to my partner, they are happening to me.  Anything that affects him affects me.  We are one.  We are a symbiotic relationship.  We used to be more interdependent.  Now we have become codependent because of our situation.  

Now that I am freeing myself by selling the house I am going to have funds and these issues are not going to be pertinent anymore.  A lot of the codependency has come because I am financially dependent on Victor.  We are breaking free of that because I made the choice not to get a job in this town I don't want to live in.  I need to focus on getting us out of here.  I have looked for gigs, part times jobs, nothing has panned out.  

Neither Victor or I have ever worked for the love of money.  We volunteer out time.  We find where our heart is and where could use our help.  I worked for my brother for seven years as a paralegal.  Did I like it?  Most of the time I didn't like that job at all, but when I would complain to my mom she would say, "They're your brothers, they need you."  I listened to my mom.  That's why I stayed at a job that wasn't fulfilling me.  When push came to shove and I realized I wasn't being valued, like I asked for a raise and didn't get it.  Somebody else who had a lesser degree and not as quality as I am was making more money than me when she was hired.  That was it, thank you, Hugo for letting me know about that.  I wasn't valued there and treated like crap by my own brother to set an example for his workers.  I am out of here!  

Yesterday I made some little apple pies.  One for my brother for his birthday, who lives a couple blocks away.  The other for his wife, my sis-in-law.  Victor and I snuck them over there at 5am, I had made them at ten, and put them on their vehicles for them to find in the morning.  That was really nice to give something to my brother.  I love Caito and Rosa.  We have had a falling out..

Victor:  He is my favorite one of your brothers.  

Tita:  That's because he was the only one to acknowledge and thank you for all the help that you gave dad.  It felt good that we did that.  It was nice.  It's who Victor and I are.  We love seeing people united.  We love seeing people cooperate.  Even though I didn't see my brother, I am sure it put a smile on his face to go out to his truck and see the pies.  

Tita:  Things are going to get much better.  The darness is abating.

Victor: ::singing I am Free by Violent Femmes::

Tita:  These fights were necessary.  We got out what was inside of us.  We vented our feelings, our disagreements.  This is a healthy thing because if you keep it locked in before you know it twenty years are going to go by.  Ada, my mother in law once told me that, "You can't expect perfection from anyone."  

Victor:  A while back I told you that I could and would be sterner if I needed to be, and I have.  

Tita:  I respect you for it.  I have learned.  

Victor:  I know I have the potential to inspire and teach.  Masterfully.  As never been done before.  That is why I am still alive!  It is what I was born to do!  

Tita:  I used to start each morning with a lecture and Victor didn't always like it.

Victor:  It's not that I was against your teachings, it was just a lot to handle right when I woke up.  I was amazed at the enyclopedic content your mind possesses and I just knew you would be a great asset to help me bring world peace.  Then when my blog was born, I just had the compulsion to plug you into me.  I CAN GIVE YOU THE VOICE YOUR MOTHER NEVER LET YOU HAVE, TITA!

Tita:  Love is not supposed to be easy.  There will be arguments and disagreements, but just don't quit.

Victor:  Three words.  MAKE-UP SEX!

1:29pm  What a delightful turn to the day.  For a few days now I have been meaning to Google Karma Yoga.  I wanted to Google: THE LIFE OF A KARMA YOGI.  Right now while Tita was talking to me I thought to punch it in and we are watching this amazing video.  26 minutes long.  The Secret of Karma Yoga - Transforming Daily Chores Into Spiritual Practice.  There are sooo many parralels to my life and my values!  I even added to my blog right now, "I am a non-yogic Karma Yogi."  I view Yoga as just another old-world religion, even if it's the closest thing to the truth and the most benign, I still view it as a limited hangout, that only serves the old word that's dissapearing soon.  Yoga is just another division and we need unity instead!  I started recording because you were saying something so....

Tita:  It's just that in one of the books, one of Swami Sita's books, I believe, it talks about, I studied this stuff for a whole year and I lived in an ashram and I served in an ashram for thirteen months.  What happens is when you dedicate it all, your whole life to the lord, and to bettering humanity, then in everything you do, it spiritualizes your life.  That's beautiful.  I am going to read something really quick.  One of the reasons I love chanting, not only does it purify my energetic centers and reduces my emotions and helps me focus, I also love singing.  I get happy when I sing anything.  This has been bringing tears to my eyes, one of these chants.  It's the dedication song:

Why are you doing this? 

"Oh god of gods.  Thou art thou my mother, father, relative, friend.  Whatever actions I perform with my body, speech, mind, senses, intellect, my nature or my emotions, all these I dedicate to the supreme lord."

Victor:  Ah, that sounds so deic, if that's a word.  We should be worshipping everyone as a whole, not some BS ruler of everyone.  LOVE is not a "being!"  Love is THE ONE THING THERE IS ONLY ONE OF!  The only word it needs is LOVE to describe it.  

Tita:  Here is another one.  One of the peace chants.  "May auspiciousness be unto all.  May perfect peace be unto all.  May fullness be unto all.  May prosperity be unto all.  May all be happy.  May all be free from disabilities.  May all look to the good of others.  May none suffer from sorrow.  Lead me from the unreak to the real.  From darkness to LIGHT.  From mortality to immortality.  https://www.yogaville.org/sanskrit-chants/

Tita:  So these are my chants that I do and I think now that I have everything memorized I can reflect on what I am saying.  It's beautiful because everything after that I realize it is all part of what I do for humanity.  For everyone.  What I do for me becomes what I do for the lord.  For the goodness of everyone.  Not just my selfish person.  Life becomes spiritualized.  

Victor:  I don't think we need a "lord" to be connected to LOVE.  We don't need some iconical figurehead, that's a big part of the divisive trick.  We don't need an intermediary.  ALL WE NEED IS LOVE

Tita:  Victor, since I've met him and heard some of his stories, I think day 3 or day 4 he was outside sweeping the path to the shower house and I told him, "You are a Karma Yogi."  I remember we were outside when I told him that.  It's true.  He's been doing it all of his life, even when he lived in Mount Shasta and officially wasn't on his mission.  Victor has been seeing where the need is and helping fill that need.  Sometimes he had his own needs met in reciprocity.  The majority of the time he gave and kept giving and kept giving and didn't receive in turn.  That's okay.

Victor has always done what is right and served others without really a concern for himself.  I have been that way and he is that way.  So you've always been a Karma Yogi, honey.  That's what I am trying to tell you.  Maybe since you were a kid.  But when you were out there traveling and surviving with no help..

Victor:  I think having acres of woods behind my mom's house growing up was a major factor in my appreciation of nature.  I mean, think of it.  I had acres of lush natural woods to explore and modify and make my own for years growing up.  The countless hours spent cutting trails and finding special spots.  Building treehouses and forts.  Hanging out at night with friends from the hood with a campfire going.  It was paradise for me.  

Tita:  I am just saying that you probably were born ready to serve.  I was too.  We didn't come here for ourselves, even though we have our own personal issues to work through.  We came to serve humanity.  

Victor:  That's another reason I am so brazen and daring.  I feel invincible! 

Tita:  Yeah, because you could've died so many times and god kept you around for some reason.  Did you know back then when you'd be 40+ years old that you would find somebody who is your soul mate and you would help her finish up the karma with her father?  Do you know what I am saying?  You had no clue of what would happen.  

Victor:  Sometimes I believe I agreed to do this.

Tita:  Exactly.  Well, I think we agree to everything ahead of time.  

Victor:  Oh, let me tell you this.  Since I haven't been logging every day like I used to with my voice recorder, I have been logging every day this month in my daily thoughts.  I easily transferred my daily thoughts into my mail journal.  I already have most of April already on my blog.  I was hoping maybe you would want to read some of these because you are in a lot of them.  

6:03pm  Think about what?

Tita:  I have been delving into what happens after people die.  I now believe that everyone of us chooses to be here, our parents, our name, all of these things.  These are my beliefs, okay.  We choose to incarnate or not.  It's hard.  It's not easy to get a human birth.  One of the reason we do it is because we want to be challenged because we want to grow.  We are going to evolve much faster on the earth plane than where it's easy, up in the other realms.  

Victor:  I realize now that my whole mission was a Karma Yogi act.  

Tita:  Right now I was just thinking of it, you came into my life as a total surprise right after ayuhuasca.  How cool is it that I acquired you and by doing that I gave dad another son?  I was able to give dad the son he didn't have because they were always too busy for him.  

Victor:  And also how you acquired me by gifting something to someone else.  

Tita:  I know, Cosmic-Coffee Adam at the headwaters I gave some knitting needles to.  I wasn't even stopping for water.  I was going to leave that day right after the park.  I finished up all of my errands.  Then I met you and look at all that happened.  So thinking back, if I sit there writing and planning, okay.  I never thought I would meet somebody who would become the love of my life, but not is giving dad a man, a second set of eyes, I've told you this before, you did the things that I was always too busy to do.  Fun things, like getting his music and making him comfortable.  All of those things while I was cooking and cleaning and paying bills, making doctor's appointments.  It was just so perfect how you came into my life when you did, because every one of us benefitted.  My brothers, Caito has expressed his gratittude, and I know, from their point of view, they are probably jealous of you.  And then me, who they thought I would be alone forever and now she has somebody that my dad loves.  From my point of view, it could not have been more perfect to meet somebody that I fell in love with, but that also fell in love with my dad and my dad fell in love with him!  You did become the husband that I was never able to get because I was always here in the house with dad, and my brothers were harrassing me, "What about you?  When are you going to get married?"  What did I tell them?  "Bring me a man.  If you think it's that easy, well, then bring him to me.  I am too busy.  I have shit to do.  I have no time to socialize and I don't do bars.  Send me the prospects, because I don't have time for that."

Yet, I met you and it was just beatiful.  The whoole Jade Pond with all of the dragonflies, it was magical.  It was just so picture-perfect beautiful.  Our first date.  And the fact that you filled that void of fun, loving sweet things for my dad!  It was just amazing.  He was glowing around us.  Because we were in so much love and he saw me happy, he became a recepient of our united love.  It was just so perfect what happened.  It boggles me still.  How good it was, and we knew that it was good while it was happening.  It was if all three of our prayers had been answered.  Remember when we went and you met Armando, my cousin, what did I tell his daughter?  That Victor had spent more quality time with my dad than ALL of my brothers combined in the past ten years probably, maybe longer.  I was so lucky to have found you, babe.  You gave dad the undivided love, the quality time, the joyous time that he didn't get from his biological sons, because they were disconnected from him, or whatever.  It doesn't really matter.  It's just beautiful, seriously.  It's hard for me now to dwell on the idea and to remember how perfect our relationship started.  

Victor:  Story-book.

Tita:  Yeah. that's what I am getting at.  It's a confabulation.  It was a conspiracy of everything coming together.  That's why I thank Mother Ayahuasca, because had I not prepared as long as I did and had such an awesome experience, and you at the water, if you hadn't been there for whatever reason, I woulnd't have met you.  That fire that was going on then, I had been warned about it by Aria and stayed longer because of it.  A myriad of factors!  All of that made me stay a little bit longer and eventually had me meet you!  Isn't it beautiful, babe?  It gives me chills.  

Victor:  I know!  It's been so perfect and I don't want you to ruin it!

Tita:  I know, I get it now.  We are taking steps to make our relationship better.  It had to suffer for us to know what it lacked, and what MY issues were.  I can't say that you are 100% to blame.  Most of the baggage is my issues and the difficulty of living here.  

Victor:  I have seen in the past how you seldom follow through, so I very much hope you are being sincere with me now.  I don't want to doubt you ever, but you still make me.  

Tita:  My actions and the change in our relationship will be the proof.