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Saturday May 4, 2024

10:36am  Tita:  We have been talking this morning about love and how we love certain people even if they are not good for us.  We can love them at a distance, type of thing.  We are just reflecting on how a mother, The Buddha said that everyone should treat other the way a mother treats her only child.  That was my inspiration that helped me deal with a lot of bad stuff, sometimes to my own detriment.  Sometimes I took that precept way too literally.  I am now learning, like everyone else.   I am on a path to healing and evolution.

Victor:  I wish everyone else was on that path.

Tita:  Talking about Victor's mother or any mother who shuns the father they kicked out of their child's life.  Now, do we agree or not, that everyone deserves to be loved?  

Victor:  Yes.

Tita:  Do we agree or not that a mother and father have an extra responsibility to love their child?

Victor:  Very much!  An inordinate amount.

Tita:  Does that not mean that your child can be the worst serial murderer or rapist and the parent still love them?

Victor:  I don't know about that.  There are some extremes where I would agree the kids aren't worth loving.  On both sides you have to give respect to get respect.  You know?  

Tita:  Okay, so in a case like yours where you had a major disability created by an accident that messed up your brain, that means you changed.  Does that mean your mother got off the hook to love yo less because now you are defective?

Victor:  No, in my case she should have loved me more.  

Tita:  Yes, in your case, with a disability that you had nothing to do with, that was fate, she should have loved you more.  

Victor:  Yes, that was her cue to love my more and not less.

Tita:  That includes her daughter Laura who transgressed and had a child out of wedlock.  She was able to overcome, and that is something she did consciously, right?  Unless she was date-raped.  (Victor:  Lol, I'll have a link to that song.)  Do you see how in that case where somebody did something wrong that your mom found it upon herself to somehow forgive her and love her no matter what.  That's called unconditional love.   That's one of the terms, but it means love no matter what.  I am reflecting and maybe you are right.  Maybe sometimes there is a bad seed and the mother should no longer love that serial killer/rapist/pedophile, whatever.  And vice-versa.  If a father sees that a mother is bad news, that's when you intervene.  There are different levels, it's open to interpretation.  

However, what I am thinking is that if you are saddled with bad parents I think the child should decide at some point, unless there very health is in danger, unless the parent is a drug user, let's say, drug abuser, there are certain circumstances where the child is, it's not a fit household.  

Victor:  Yes, especially if they are being raised in fear and guilt.  

Tita:  We don't really know how Victor's father behaved and whether Ada really felt he was a menace to his own kids, but, like we said, there are degrees.   I feel no matter what a child, especially after he reaches 18 years old should be allowed the opportunity to get to know their absent parent.  Good or bad, the child has already formed their personality and getting to know their true parent might be wise because a child, I believe deserves the opportunity to get to know their real father or mother.(apparent joke).

I am just thinking about what Victor and I have been discussing which is his family dynamics.  Wouldn't it have been cool if he had gotten the opportunity to get to know his dad?  When Victor was older, like 16 or 17?  Like if Ada said, "Guess what?  Surprise!  I have a trip planned to Panama."  If she really felt Dad was so horrible she could supervise it.  "We'll go and only under my eyes will you guys be able to be in the vicinity of Franklin.  That could've happened.  I just think it would've been much healthier for Victor and his siblings to have a chance to get to know where half of their genes came from.  For all we know his mother might've been just as unfit to be a mother and the father, that Victor maybe got the worst of two devils.  

Now that Victor is unraveling this and realizing how his mother was not innocent and his dad might have a different story, as we know, it is only fair to hear both sides of the story.  Maybe that's what happened.  Victor got saddled thinking he was with the right parent.  Maybe he got saddled with the wrong parent!  That's where the criminal justice system comes in, where the bias for the mother, whether she's better or not, how things happen, we don't know these things for sure, this is all conjecture.  It has happened, I am sure where the children get stuck with the wrong parent.  

What I am bringing out is that Victor now has an opportunity through his life now to reframe everything and that's what he has been doing for a year now.  He's uncovering his past and the traumas that were formed and created deep welts in his psyche and in his heart, because he never had a dad, because he grew up without the benefits only a real father can provide.  Even if that dad is horrible!  We go back to that.  Was he really that horrible, Ada?  Was he really that bad?  

Victor:  Okay, wrap it up.

Tita:  Everyone deserves an opportunity to get to know their origin.   Everyone deserves the opportunity to have some forgiveness for those like Victor's dad who may have a bad temperament, sounds like, easily fused into a bomb of anger.  That's who Victor had as a father.  Mother could've said, "Look, I don't want you to be raised like this.  See how your dad is being?  This is an example of how you are not to be."  Your mom could've had more compassion and realized that your dad needed some help.   Frank is emotional and flies off the handle.  He said that about Ada to me.  Victor's confirmed that.  She herself was not always a reasonable, calm and loving example to her children.  

We go back to he only had one of two.  At least he had one.  There has to be compassion for those of us who have emotional issues.  Why?  Because it didn't seem Victor got that compassion.  He was seen as defective after his injuries.  The accident did change Victor quite a bit.  Ada has told me how she had to treat him like a child because he would be inappropriate.  After his wrecks he had no filter anymore, and that's hard to deal with.  She has told me that she was embarrassed to be with Victor after his accident.  

We all deserve compassion.  Including Victor's dad.  Including anyone who has had a traumatic brain injury.  Who might have a histrionic personality which can be seen as bad.  I mean, a grandparent should've said, "She's unreasonable.  She moved her family on a whim.  She's out of her mind relocating her entire family America and then kicking the dad out.  Not only is Ada crazy, but Frank too for following along.  Ada's parent's could've intervened and told her, "You go, accept this invitation to move to the United States, but leave the children behind.  Your kids shouldn't have to suffer your inconsistency.  

That could've happened and Victor's mom and and could have come and lived with that family and scoped San Antonio out better so they would be in a better position to raise a family.  That might've been the wisest thing.  

This just goes to show how they say that history is written by the victors.  For decades Ada was the winner and wrote the story and the children bought that story hook, line and sinker, not really knowing the truth about Dad.  

        So, all of these things happened and this is just my commentary as I think out loud.  There was such a huge lack of love in what happened with Victor.  There is so much judgement, there's so much inability to work things out.  I don't even blame his mom.  It sounds like her parents and the church didn't really give Ada the tools or the proper guidance.  If she had stayed in Puerto Rico chances are she probably wouldn't have had a divorce.  Ada told me that her parents had said, "You made your bed, you lie in it.  Marriage is permanent."  Obviously, it should have been more permanent than to be able to just annul away.  

Love needs to be extended to both parents because both parents made that child.  Again, whether or not they were fit parents, worthy parents, that's all you got.  You only get two.  Why do I say this?  Because Ada feels that way about her other kids, yet Victor does not get unconditional love from Mom.  Laura does.  Victor's "defects" that he obtained through his accidents, in my opinion make him more worthy of unconditional love and help.  She did give that for a while, until she didn't.  She said, "I don't want you here anymore."  Even if he is inappropriate, he is still worthy of love.

This is a message for all of humanity.  If you have a child and the child acts in way that you don't like, that takes after the parent that you are upset at, it's in the best interest of the child to do all you can to not exclude anyone.  That's division and we want unity.  We want to be able to teach our child don't be like your father.  Instead of yelling or blowing up, let's go see a therapist, son.  And you Laura, instead of having sex indiscriminately, let's go talk to a counselor, because obviously your dad wasn't around to teach you how to respect yourself.  Or at least that's how she presents things, that it was all her dad's fault that she got sexually assaulted when she was a kid.  

It's easy to point the blame instead of looking at how we ourselves are the problem and already have the solution.  Unity usually always tends to be the solution.  Parents should love their children including all of their defects!  Franklin told me on the phone that Ada is very fragile and would fly off the handle for days.  I know of other Puertoricans like that.  It's in her blood.  Did he ever tell me?  I haven't heard him say, "I should've taken the kids away from her, due to her being irrational and fragile."  He probably knew she wasn't the best mom, but again, he chose her.  They decided to have a wedding ceremony.  They thought they were in it for life.  If Frank would've had the compassion or patience to realize Ada wasn't a good mom for his kids things might have been better for all of you.  But he chose her.  But little girl Ada, she couldn't handle the pressure and kicked him out.  

This is why sexual relationships are so important.  This is why children need to be taught at a young age to be very very careful who they have unprotected sex with.  Protected, even.  Sex is sacred.  There's always that risk.  Sex is the way children are born.  You don't want a moment of lust to turn into a lifetime of regret.  Just rambling thoughts here.  Over and out.