051524

Wednesday May 15, 2024

12:36pm  Tita:  Hmm, let's see.  What happened last night?  I didn't take my phone.  

Victor:  Didn't I take a bath?

Tita:  No, last night you were angry at me.  I gave you a hug and asked you what the problem was.  You said it was because I interrupted you.  But two nights ago, you remember?  I had a headache and we went to get the dogfood?  And I told you, "Tell my brothers and my nephews I love them."  This morning when I woke up and I finally stretched, remember, I had a Charlie horse yesterday?  Something is off with this whole leg.  The hip and knees, something is weird.  

Victor:  Do you mean a Bastard horse?

Tita:  LOL!  Pobre Charlie.  I'd like us to keep walking, honey.  Will you walk with me today and help me lose weight?

Victor:  Let's go.  

Tita:  Do you want to go right now?  Okay without the dogs.  Anyway, you went to bed at two, you had made coffee.  

Victor:  I got four hours of sleep.  

Tita:  Well, why don't we walk and come back and take a nap?  Did you finish your fruit?  Okay, then in two hours I'll feed you.  Are you hungry now?  It takes two and a half hours to digest food and it's not good to mix fruit with other food.  I'll make you whatever you want.  I should make frijoles.  

Victor:  Any tortillas?  I'll just have chips and salsa while you cook the beans for an hour.  

Tita:  So you woke up at what time?  You went to bed at two and you woke up at six?  What did you do?

Victor:  I kept going on what I was doing last night, which is typing up my recordings, all of the conversations we have had.  

Tita:  Are you sleepy, honey?  If we were to watch some laptop how soon until you went sleepies?  

Victor:  I should stay up if it's something funny.  

Tita:  Okay, but I'm going to feed you before, because you are hungry.  You need to gain wait.

Victor:  I don't need to gain weight.  You want me to gain weight.  I'm aight.

Tita:  But I love you.  

Victor:  I could get me my own food and not trouble you.

Tita:  But I love you.

Victor:  Yeah, but you won't get it real quick.

Tita:  I'll do it right now.  Put on something funny.  Actually, I wanted to show you this.  

Victor:  I've seen this. 

3:24pm  I am having the first proofreading session with Tita for my journal update I would like to make soon.  She just said some cool stuff.  Do you mind repeating?  

Tita:  So yeah, we listened to this little snippet, on a reel, by this expert on childhood trauma.  He talks about this guy that he was interviewing who says that he takes off at least several weeks every year from his podcast, his regular job to just hang out with my wife and my children, to play, to do things with, love on them.  Gabor Matte says, "I didn't do that.  I kept working and working and why?  I realized that I needed to validate my own existence."  That comes from childhood trauma.  

So I told Victor, "That reminds me of you and why you work so hard. why you are a workaholic.  How you need to prove every place, every person you've been with, to prove that you're working.

Victor:  Right, I need to be verifiable.  

Tita:  But why do you do that?  I've always shaken my head.  Who needs to know?  You know what you did.  Why does anyone else care or need to know?  

        Victor needs to know because his mother and his father never validated his existence.  More than likely, his mom didn't see him as valuable.  When was he valuable?  When he did nice things for her, when he cleaned the house.  That's when he felt justified at being loved.  He realized that the love only came when he worked for it.  His simple existence was not enough for Ada.  He had to work to get her love.  

That's why now, as a 46 year old he feels he has to show everyone how hard he is working.  That's why he doesn't sleep some nights.  That's why he wakes up at three in the morning thinking world peace, world peace, world peace.  It is not so much that world peace needs him.  It's that Victor needs to justify his existence.  

Victor:  Like I say, it's the world's healthiest ego trip.  :]

Tita:  Again, it is rooted in the fact that he was not validated as a child, that he didn't feel worthy, as a child.  It was only when he did nice things for his mother that he felt truly loved.  If he were to write, "Today I did nothing.  I woke up ate and went to bed."  Would he be proud of that?  I asked him why he didn't log when we were together.  We have had magnificent moments together that you never logged.  Do you not value that?  Is that why you weren't logging?  

        Yes, because he thinks that mere existence is not as valuable as what he does when he tells his story.  In his mind telling his story is his job.  That's his mission.  Living, enjoying life, having happy moments, getting exercise, hanging out with his dogs, that's nothing to Victor.  All that stuff is secondary to Victor.  That's the culture telling him, "Your job and what you do in your work is more important than your family life.  That's what Victor learned from his mother and father, from his culture, from his upbringing, that he needs to work.  Existing is not enough.  

        Whereas, if you go to Mexico they'll think you are crazy.  Mexicans think you should live to enjoy life.

Victor:  I like to think that my obsession and being a workaholic is going to pay off globally.  Then me, and a lot of other people in our world will be able to enjoy much brighter moments with their family, in a much brighter world!  

        My work HAS to be done to make that our present reality.  Or else, the exact opposite will occur and we will be pitched in darkness.  

        The Dark Side will live up to it's name if we don't expose it!  

WE FITTIN TO!

        I am on the right track.  We just have to be a little more patient.  Like I say, I am greasing our stuck evolution machine.  Unsticking it.