070224

Tita is going to recap the day.

6:49pm  Tita:  "It was a wonderful day.  A lot of synchronicities.  I didn't go to sleep at all because I was busy fixing Victor's lunch.  Excitedly even, almost like a mom making their kid's lunch for school.  I loved packing lunches.  There's just something fun about wondering what the person is going to like.

Victor:  I wasn't hungry one minute today.   

Tita:  I did it because Victor was going to work.  It was fun.  As I was packing the lunch I got excited.  I kind of got amped up on my own.  I didn't sleep a wink.  What did I do instead?  I just kind of hung out.  The key to my productivity and focus and paying attention to the task at hand, which is getting out of Dodge, to leave, to detach, to pack and sort, keep the good things, has been activated ever since I stopped my addition to Facebook.  And, less weed.  I haven't been able to smoke because I've had root canals.  But the edibles, when I stopped that I got like fifty percent more productive than before and mind is clearer.  Without marijuana I am focused, I am passionate.  I am myself again.  I think I was sleepy with marijuana.  And unmotivated.  I feel like I woke up out of a dream now.  It's been like a month since I stopped.  Because of all of these root canals.  I've had some only as a sleep aid.  But last night I said no.  I promised myself once a week maybe.  On the weekend.  

So, I didn't sleep.  I was naturally amped up.  No substance at all.  No cofee.  I kind of hung out with the dogs.  I decided I wasn't going to go to be with Victor.  I gave him a mini massage.  I massaged his shoulders, his arms, his neck, his scalp.  He had just taken a shower and he was all fresh.  And he fell asleep.  We went to bed early because he had to get up early. 

So, I didn't sleep so I read and I journaled.  That's a new goal of mine, to journal every day because there is a lot going on.  

I was thinking about Allen a lot, my nephew.  I was thinking that he needed to hear my story.  He came over yesterday and he actually listened to me for over and hour.  I did cry.  I even apologized because in my family we are not used to expressing our emotions.  The males in my family know that when a woman cries, let her have her moment.  No hugging, no consoling.  Let her express.  It was really great.  I had a lot of clearing happen.  I am going to read the text that I sent my nephew because it's beautiful.  This is what I sent.  

Victor:  Oh yeah, read my updated message from me.

Tita:  So, I sent a picture to my nephew.  My nephew was over yesterday.  I had told him that he would have first pick, but that I was going to post stuff on CL or offerup of FB so I can sell what I can.  We are moving out.  He wanted the desk.  I had talked up the desk and he saw it.  Yesterday I cleaned it up.  Yesterday Victor and I spent like four hours organizing the garage.  We want to be able to fit the car inside it again.  Victor got upset with me because I was going on and on about how bad Married With Children is and how it influenced my nephew, make chauvenism.

Victor:  I got upset at your usual snide remarks.  It had nothing to do with Al Bundy.  I just figured if you want my help, can't you just give me silence?  Since you didn't shut up, I figured you didn't really need my help.

It's like you want my help, yet you insist on making it a chore I am waiting for to finish so I can go back to what I was doing?  Instead of it being pleasant and over with, you are elongating it with your talking.  Think, McFly.  I feel I am totally justified by leaving you to do it by yourself.  

Tita: Anyway, here's the letter:  "Mijo, thank you for listening yesterday.  It felt good getting some of my traumatizing stuff off of my chest.  Thank you for making me feel safe and comfortable enough to share my feelings.  I appreciate it so much!  I know things will improve once I leave and decompress and have other things to focus on, but in the meantime I feel a lot of sadness and gried with all of the memories triggered as I go through all of the "stuff."  I think it's normal, but definetly not easy.  Being the little sis who was so close to her entire nuclear family and witnessing the lack of love towards Papa Chuy and myself has been super hard.  It's bitter-sweet to be here.  Keeping all of these stories and memories in my heart and mind.  I know as you reminded me, and Victor reminds me so much that so many good memories will live on in my heart.  Home is not a place, but a state of being.  Love you, Mijo.  You are awesome."

That's what I had in mind and I sent it to Alan at eleven.  That is what I was processing lsat night.  That's why I couldn't sleep.  Thinking that Alan needed to hear my story.  There is so much 

Victor:  I was even considering driving the car, but I woke up way early enough and was able to walk.  It's cool I got some pool helper work again.

Tita:  I even offered to drive him, I have a dentist's appointment today though.  It worked out perfectly.  Victor walked.  I fixed him his lunch and little snacks.  What happened when he left is that I did some chanting.  Oh yeah, I made him breakfast too.  Eggs with bacon.  Victor loved it. I love when people love my food.  So, I did a few things here in the house and decide it was time so sleep.  I slept three hours.  When I woke up I decided to make a big batch of pasta.  I made some vegetarian for me, and then a whole pound of ground turkey for Victor.  I made so much pasta it took two whole jars of red sauce.  

I knew it was going to get real hot today so I sent Victor a text asking him when he was getting off.  

Then I looked on FB.  When I looked on FB I found this.  "Because of the drama that my dogs go through every Fourth of July.  Two different dogs that I've rescued who escaped when their owner's left the house.  I spent about an hour preparing an essay about that.  May I share it with you, Victor?  I have been itching to read it to you.  This took my hours of effort.  I've been a little underslept, sleep deprived.  This is what I am proud that I put together.  This is inspired by a meme that says, "Please be considerate.  Not everyone enjoys fireworks."  It shows a Vietnam Vet with his head covered, in distress with his hands covering his eyes, and two dogs.  It says, "Please be considerate.  Not everyone enjoys fireworks.  

Different meme:  https://www.observer-reporter.com/opinion/op-eds/2024/jul/02/what-is-kahu/

Our dogs are not humans.  They are our way of loving purified spirit.  There are here by our choice.  

Victor:  Because we don't have humans to love.  

Tita:  Right now we are incredibly shrot on anyone loving on us.  That's an extra bonus of having the dogs.  Victor and I have each other, but as you know, I am part of a big family.  I used to be part of their community.  Aikido, Yoga, Nami, I made so many friends when I volunteered or learned a skill like Martial arts of Yoga.  So, Victor was part of a community of people when he traveled.  He misses that.  We miss having friends.  We miss doing things with people other than ourselves.  This is what I wrote, inspired by those two memes.

Fireworks on the 4th of July, as they are used in my San Juaquin valley neighborhood, people set off fireworks that were illegally imported and usually purchased under the table at China towns in the San Francisco Bay Area from nightfall to dawn, are the worst part of the festivities for me.  I enjoy the legal ones used in city festivities that sparkle and shower light at a distance, but the unpredicatble supersonic like explosions set off by personal indivisuals that make it feekl like a warzone going on all around is unbearable since I became a dog owner sixteen years ago.  I will play calming music from the afternoon to dawn at a pretty loud volume and sedate my two little dogs with CBD treats and give them extra comfort.  I am a survivor of vaccine-related childhood menengitis which inflamed my brain and central nervous system and left me more senstive than most to sudden, loud noises.  I am very empathetic to what a soldier with PTSD experiences, which I am aware is many more times more intense than what I experience.  I can only imagine how hard it is on them.  I'm not sure what the solution is and I doubt any of us can prevent it.  We just have to cope with it until the illegal trade of Chinese fireworks stops.  If ever.  Plese remember and remind others as best you can than dogs, vets and highly sensitive people need extra support due to illegal fireworks.  If dogs could speak they would tell you that they are horribly frightened.  Let's see what we can do within our circle of influence to educate people on this and help support our pets and make them even more comfortable.  More importantly, never leave them alone at home during fireworks.  They will panic and do all they can to escape.  

And today's spiritual reading.  Gotta share it.  You see, a couple of days ago I was out sunning and an old groove came back of summertime reading.  I have so many books that I need to sort through.  

Kind of tied to that, yesterday, as I was going through my stuff in the garage I found my old Aikido uniform.  Lo and behold, after a a string of strange coincidences I end up taking Victor today, instead of tomorrow, for a dentist appointment for him this time.  Mine was for 3:30 and he didn't have one at all, but because I wanted to switch another appointment in Turlock, I texted Victor:  "This is urgent!  Guess what?  You have an appointment at three!  Can you get dropped off?  Victor calls me just as I am leaving the house.  I went to sell our recycling, got $12.  I get on the road and make my way to Pearl Dental.  Victor is already there filling out the forms.  Couldn't be more perfect.  I was in a good mood. 

Since Victor and I know both know that I have a messed up front tooth.  I have been incredibly reticent, hesitant about smiling.  I don't smile much because then I show my bad tooth.  Today we were there and all happy.  There were all of these little kids there.  Meanwhile, I am multitasking.  I sent my nephew a picture I had found of him when he was six years old.  I was doing that and paying attention to Victor and lo and behold I get called early.  As we were doing that I noticed this man checking me out.  Staring, looking at me, which I never like.  My gaze was trying to avoid this dude who was right across from us staring at me.  I got put into a room and nobody was around.  I am thirsty AF.  I ask Victor, "Can you please give me the water?"  Victor asks why  As I was formulating the response which was I was thirsty the husband of the family that was there who I was commenting on thier cute little boys, he hands me our water Victor hand handed him.  I guzzled like half of it.  

I even commented on this lady with really big boobs that had her boobs almost falling out.  

Victor:  That's the standard Mchenry tweaker look around these parts of town, lol.  Actually, it's way understandable that in 102 degree weather people would be wearing as little as possible.  You will still see more skin at a swimming pool.  

        When the dentist saw me she said, "It looks beautiful.  It healed nicely, your extraction.  She said I was done, that she would see me in three months.  I asked, "Is that because I had two exactractions that I am being scheduled for antoher deep cleaning in three months, not six?"  She said, "No, we do that with MediCAL when there's high risk or people have really bad issues then we want to clean them more often.  

So here I go out to the lobby.  Victor is still filling out these exhaustive forms.  He had arrived like half an hour before 3.  Anyway, I still notice the dude right across from us checking me out.  Distracted with texts, the guy gets called.  Soon after when he comes back out he finally asks me, "Did you used to own a brand new Acura NSX?  It was this man who I haven't seen since 2003 when I did Aikido!  He was a staff member at the dojo and he even remembered how I did bookkeeping for them.  When I arrived at the Aikido place he already had a black belt.  He was really cool back then.  He would come and assist at our classes.  He was decicated, he was loving, he was kind, no creepy feel.

Victor:  I should have told him my story.

Tita:  You still can.  I have his number.  His name is Raymond.  I remember the only thing I didn't like about him back then was his strong cologne he would always wear.  He exchanged such good energy.  I was a newbie at Aikido when I met him.  So we sit down and start talking about all of these people we know and remember.  It was amazing.  I tell him about my life.  I told him how I took care of my dad.  He went, "That's good karma, Elizabeth.  You are going to have so many benefits from that."  We chatted it up and Victor came out and I introduced him to Victor.  I told him about Victor and I, how we met in Mount Shasta.  Then we exchanged numbers outside.

Then we went to the pharmacy because Victor needs a lot of dental work done.  Like 4 cavities and two root canals.  On our way there, since Victor did't get paid because he didn't work alongside the Jandy Man today, he didn't get paid since he got dropped off for the dentist.  We tried going by where his boss lives, but he didn't answer the door.  Tomorrow Victor will show up at 6am just to get paid for the 8 hours he worked today.

Oh yeah, Raymond said Hakara today.  That's the name of the ghi, the top of the uniform.  When he said that I was like, "Whoa, I haven't heard that in years."  Hakama, it's the black skirt.  

Anyway, here I was going to sort through all of my nonfiction, that I've picked up here and there.  And listen to this.  Victor, yesterday when I suggested lets wind down for the day and watch a funny show or movie, the other night we watched King of the Hill, but tonight Victor said, "Let's read instead.  I don't want to watch TV."  Victor read some Mark Twain.  We recently went and visited Angel's Camp, which is where Mark Twain's jumping frog story was set.  

Victor:  The very first part of Tom Sawyer is where I got that quote that I put at the top of my blog.

Viva:  We have pictures of Victor with these murals.  That was last week.  That was like eight days ago.  Books, this is what I am getting at.  Listen to this.  This is something that I randomly picked,  I didn't choose it.  I feel a calling to go back to my spiritual roots of Yoga.  Chapter 5.

Acquisition of Thought Power by Moral Purity

A man who speaks the truth and has moral purity has always powerful thoughts. One who has controlled anger by long practice has tremendous thought power.

If a Yogi whose thought is very powerful speaks one word, it will produce tremendous impression on the minds of others.

Virtues like truthfulness, earnestness and industry are the best sources of mental power. Purity leads to wisdom and immortality. Purity is of two kinds, internal or mental and external or physical.

Mental purity is more important. Physical purity is also needed. With the establishment of internal mental purity, cheerfulness of mind, one-pointed mind, conquest of Indriyas and fitness for the realization of the Self are obtained.

Thought Power by Concentration

There is no limit to the power of human thought. The more concentrated the human mind is, the more power is brought to bear on one point.

The rays of the mind are scattered in the case of the worldly-minded persons. There is dissipation of mental energy in various directions. For purposes of concentration, these scattered rays have to be gathered by the practice of concentration and then the mind must be made to turn towards God.

Cultivate attention, you will have good concentration. A serene mind is fit for concentration. Keep the mind serene. Be cheerful always. Then alone can you concentrate. Be regular in your concentration. Sit in the same place, at the same time, 4 a.m.

Celibacy, Pranayama, reduction of wants and activities, dispassion, silence, seclusion, discipline of the senses, Japa, control of anger, giving up reading novels, newspapers and visiting cinemas are all aids to concentration.

Too much physical exertion, too much talking, too much eating, too much mixing with worldly persons, too much walking, too much sexual indulgence, are obstacles to concentration."

Tita:  Beautiful and so apropo to Victor and I.

Next section:

Thought Power by Organized Thinking

Destroy random thinking. Take a subject and think of its different aspects and bearing. When you think so on one subject, never allow any other thought to enter the conscious mind. Withdraw the mind again to the subject on hand.

Take for instance, you begin to think on the life and teachings of Jagadguru Adi Sankaracharya. Think of his birthplace, his early life, his character, his personality, his virtues, his teachings, his writings, his philosophy, some of the important utterings of his works or Slokas, the Siddhis that he exhibited from time to time, his Digvijaya, his four disciples, his four Mutts, his commentary on the Gita, the Upanishads and the Brahma Sutras. Think of these items one by one in order. Exhaust them. Again and again, bring the mind to the point. Then take up another subject.(Victor's been doing this.  For example, one thing, Trevor Moore, next Bo Burnham.  Victor is now taking up Mark Twain.  It's beautiful.  Victor is already naturally doing this.  And I don't like when he mixes around with Gulagers, worldly people, not spiritual people)

By this practice, you will develop organized thinking. The mental images will gain intense strength and force. They will become clear-cut and well-defined. In ordinary persons the mental images are distorted and undefined.

Next section:

Thought Power by Will-power

"Every sensual thought rejected, every temptation resisted, every harsh word withheld, every noble aspiration encouraged, helps you to develop will-power or soul-force and takes you nearer and nearer to the Goal."

Tita:  I am just astounded at how beautiful this reading reflects on what Victor has been doing.  

I have decided that I am not taking any novels along with me when I travel based on this.  I have been reading some, here and there.  If I haven't read any of these since I was in college, why would I take any as part of my baggage?  I will continue not to hang out with worldly persons, with a few exceptions.  Like Raymond.  I would love to visit with him again.  We just got a text that your prescription is ready.  I'm going to go swimming.  It's very hot today.  

Tita:  In the Aikido system when someone is granted a black belt they are referred to as Mister or Miss as a sign of respect.  Mr. Shmul is the man I ran into today.