Thursday July 18, 2024
5:50am Santa Cruz. What happened yesterday?
Tita: Hmm, yesterday we drove from 1:30pm. We were here in a couple of hours and we came straight to the oceanfront. We luckily found a parking spot close to the beach and then walked around with the dogs for a while. It was hot and it felt good to be close to the ocean. We soon realized we were limited, we couldn't do much with the dogs. We made some calls and drove around looking for the pet-friendly Motel 6. The room was like $120. We checked in like around 5pm.
Victor: Then we left the dogs and went on a big trek a mile and a half back to the beach. I'd guess it was like six miles total that we walked and came back to the motel. I was putting my stickers EVERYWHERE!
Tita: You sure were. Then we got some orange juice from the 7-11 and checked out a few Thai restaurants, but everything was like twenty bucks a plate.
Then when we got to the boardwalk, I was wanting to go on the Ferris wheel. At the Boardwalk we bought a chicken sandwich and another sandwich. After we are we walked all the way to the wharf. Victor was putting his stickers everywhere.
There were a couple of fish and chips places which is what we orginally wanted, but we were full, so I got an ice cream sundae instead. I got a cotton candy too. Victor got a cappucino smoothie. Then we walked all the way back to the Motel 6, got here around 10:45pm. The dogs were fine. On TV we watched Seinfeld. When Victor got back from walking the dogs I passed out withtout even brushing my teeth or taking out my contact lens. I was super tired. It was rough sleeping last night because every little noise outside the dogs would bark at. Got woken up at 3:30am and brushed my teeth and took out my lens. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. About 5:20 or so the dogs barked again and woke me up.
Victor woke up and he was in the mood, hehe.
Victor: It's your birthday!
Tita: Yup, birthday love making session. It's almost six and it's really foggy outside. The sun has already come up. We missed the sunrise. We're not sure what we are going to do. Check out time is eleven.
10:25am
11:15am What happened?
Tita: We decided to come to a state park. One of them was closed.
Victor: We checked out of the Motel 6 in Santa Cruz. I stickered my blog all over the place around the motel. I took pictures. We left at eleven and we are now at a state park. Sunset State Park. I will look it up.
11:28am
11:57am
12:09pm
12:48pm We are not on the road yet. We went to Sunset State Park. Then we gased up at Arco. Victor was out of flower, so we stopped at the nearest weed store, Catalyst. It was like a block away.
5:26pm
10:22pm Tita: I have been talking to Victor and I want to get this on record so we don't forget it.
Victor and I have a really cool relationship. After five and a half years there are only a few things that still irritate and cause friction between us. One thing I have noticed is that Victor gets pissed, he thinks of it as an invasion into his private fun time, which includes the computer.
If he didn't have internet, he wouldn't be happy. He would be living at Starbucks where it's free, or the library. I have no issues with him doing as he wishes and what he wants, but there can be an imbalance. It is to such a degree that he doesn't participate in life outside of his "job." Which means I don't have his company in the morning, at night. I have to beg him to be with me.
There are times when he is so unavailable to me, that it's a weird thing. I haven't experienced this with anyone else. If he could he would devote 24 hours a day to his project. Also, to the extreme where he doesn't brush their teeth. It's bad because I don't want to be his mother.
I think it has to do with traumas and dramas that he picked up in his home growing up. If you look back at his journal 25 years ago Victor was fighting with his mother and his siblings over who got to use the computer. That is all they wanted to do. In his house it was such a desired thing to use the computer. Because it was so sought after. His mother could've easily gotten another computer, but she didn't.
But because you do, sometimes your actions feel like a kid's. Saying, "I gotta be on the computer and since I wasn't on enough today, I'm going to keep going. I am going to spite you and not go to bed because I have to squeeze in three more hours." It's just a weird dynamic.
Victor: What the fuck is weird about wanting peace and quiet when you don't get it? What the fuck is weird in knowing that when you go to bed that then I'll have the peace and quiet I need to focus on my task? And then you look down on me for not going to bed with you?
MAYBE IF YOU WOULD'VE LEFT ME ALONE SO I COULD DO MY WORK, I would want to do things that you want me to. When you say you're going to leave me alone and then you don't, that makes you a big fat liar! It's just a tease!
Tita: What I am getting at, if you can hear his frustration, Victor thinks that he's entitled to peace and quiet 24 hours a day.
Victor: Fuck that, no I don't need it 24-7, but when I sit down and focus I can almost count on your barging in and FORCING me to pay attention to you.
Tita: If Victor didn't have the computer as his companion and his vehicle to do his work, if that stopped existing, Victor would realize that most people do want to hang out at the end of the day.
Victor: Fuck that, most people don't believe their work is going to help humanity as much as I know my work will.
Tita: On another subject, but related, I am really happy that Victor is now taking care of his health, he is brushing his teeth.
Victor: Fuck that! I have always brushed my teeth. You exaggerate so much! It's not like before you I was just a dirty bum and stinking.
Tita: I am not saying that but this past year Victor has been brushing his teeth regularly now about two months ago.
Victor: Screw you and your exaggerations! It really goes to show how little you pay attention and how much shit you just fabricate! I have always been a good toothbrusher.
Tita: Victor is so dedicated and has been such a diehard fan, back in the winter time months, sometimes he only slept three or four hours a day and he was not brushing his teeth.
Victor: Not every single day!
Tita: And he lost a lot of weight.
Victor: I bet you wish you would've!
Tita: I told him that if he didn't care for his body that he wasn't going to survive enough to continue this mission. I know you resent me for it, but I have to remind you to eat. You gotta eat, you gotta live, your body matters. He didn't care. It mattered more to work on his project.
Victor: AND IT STILL DOES!
Tita: See, he's okay with not eating and being undernourished. He's okay with not exercising or brushing his teeth. This just goes to show, for future reference, that Victor doesn't care about his existence.
Victor: The less time you allow me to work on the thing I think is going to make a difference, then you are right, it makes me feel like dying! I would rather be dead! Why would you want to help make me feel this way?
Tita: See, his is so adamant about this that his only choices are do the mission, no mater what cost it is to his body or whether he dies younger than he should, but he wants to go whole-hog, full force, because he would rather die. You heard it from me.
Victor: YES, I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN NOT ABLE TO DO MY WORK!
I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR YAPPING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! YOU HAVE BROUGHT ME TO THAT POINT!
Every morning while I am busy and I hear you bustling I think, "Oh fuck, she's up!"
Tita: These are just note to indicate how committed he is. How Victor truly cares about nothing more than waking up the ignorant sheep, which most of you who are going to read this are. We have already talked about this. That's who you guys are who just simply follow the herd. You guys are not intelligent!
You ARE NOT calling out the evil in the world, the criminality that is so obvious. You are enmeshed in the matrix, and that means you are a willing slave, and you are not going to listen to Victor's message because YOU KNOW you are a willing slave and you love the comforts. That's who you are, but that's not what Victor is. Or who I am. We are different.
Victor is altruistic. If whoever reads this in the future, or not, I don't want to make you feel bad, but if you don't understand Victor or realize how awesome he is, it's because you are a part of the matrix. You have been hopelessly sucked into it. He and I can look in because we participated in that matrix.
Victor: I rather commit suicide than live in our current fucked up world.
Tita: When I met him I noticed that, that he had a deathwish. He was taking a lot of risks with his life because he didn't value it. He still does not value it. Like every good true leader or visionary, he doesn't take pleasure when everyone else is a slave. That's really what it is. These people are asleep and Victor can't wake them up.
That is the root of his frustration. He gave a lot of hope to people who were on the edge. But now things are different for him. He's not homeless.
Victor: Sometimes I wish I was!
Tita: Much of Victor's discontent goes back to his shitty upbringing. He hated his home. It was not the place to be. His home was a hellhole. I can't blame him. I wouldn't have wanted to live with a mother like Mamada. Had he grown up with a mother like mine, he would view home differently.
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