bexar03

 

Bexar County Jail '03

     Ahh, my return to San Antonio has been wonderful.  I've lost track of times and dates, but I have a great story to tell now.

     Let's see, the other night, about a day after riding the Greyhound bus home from Big Spring, I decided to go to the plasma-donating place to make some extra money.  I could have taken the 10-minute walk to the closest bus stop, but I lost track of time and just barely missed the window of opportunity to make the short walk.  I thought, "Damn, now what do I do for the next hour?"  I decided to walk down Wickersham all the way to the grocery store where the buses convene every hour.
    So, I got a small bottle of water from my mother's refrigerator and took off on the walk.  It was a sunny day and I could feel myself getting hot.  Since I had been cooped up inside in the air conditioning for the past month, I had acquired a good t-shirt tan.  You know, the kind where my arms are all tan up to the point where the sleeves are, and then my whole upper-torso is all white.  Since I was in this predicament, I decided to take my shirt off while I went on this walk.  What better use of my time eh?  Not only would I stay cooler and not get my shirt dirty, I would also get a great tan at the same time.
    So, I made it to the grocery store with about 10 minutes to spare for the buses and put my shirt back on.  Outside the store, where a picnic-table was, was this girl smoking a cigarette.  I walked up to her, smiled and asked her if she had a spare cigarette I could have.  That's the sure-fire way of getting what you want, ask nicely and be honest.  Spare meaning they can afford to give you one, and have meaning it's not like you're going to borrow it and give the filter back.  She graciously agreed and gave me a cigarette.  I thanked her and as I stood there smoking I told her about all my ideas and how I planned to change the world for the better.  She seemed like she believed me and even gave me an extra cigarette.
     There was like 5 minutes until the 50-interchange.  That's what I call the hourly meeting of the buses.  There was only one bus there, the 87.  The driver was standing outside.  I needed to get on the 605 when it came, so I asked the 87-driver if I could sit inside his bus in the air-conditioning and wait for the 605.  He jokingly told me, "Sure, 5 bucks."  I told him to put it on my tab and he told me he didn't run tabs.  He finally broke the joke and told me to hop on.  When I got on the bus I walked all the way to the back of it.  I then spied somebody's nametag with a long metal chain.  I picked it up and read the name.  I took the nametag off of the chain and tried the chain on.  I was like, "Cool, I got a new necklace."  I then walked to the front of the bus and handed the nametag to the driver, who was still standing outside, and told him to be sure to put it in the lost-and-found.  A girl sitting towards the front quickly asked what name was on the tag and promptly claimed it.  It turns out that she was sitting in the rear earlier and had left it.  As I stood there with the metal chain still around my neck, I asked her, "Will you need the chain back too?"  She told me yes and I reluctantly took it off and handed it to her.  It wasn't mine so I couldn't keep it, especially since the owner was right there claiming it.  I should've put the chain in my pocket or something, but oh well.
     The 605 finally came and I walked across the street to go get on it.  I saw the driver step outside and spark up a cigarette.  I walked up to him and gave him the 'ol spare/have line.  He told me that there was no such thing as a spare cigarette, since they were so expensive these days.  I told him thanks anyway and to enjoy the cigarette.
    So, we leave on the 605.  I catch it to Horn Blvd, over where my friend Carlos lives in a frat-house with two roommates.  I was hoping he would be home and my friend Bob would be there and give me a cigarette.  I walked like 10 minutes to get to their house, which I found vacant, no one home.  I walked into the backyard and checked the schedule for the 91, which I would catch to West Telemarketing to catch the 96 to the plasma place.  I had like a 40-minute wait for the next Babcock North extended trip. Hmm, what do I do to kill time. 
     I walked into their back yard and began to meditate.  Hmm, I was having a nicotine-fit so I devised a clever plan to get some nicotine in my lungs.  I found a few spent cigarette butts in an ashtray.  All cigarette butts have a minute amount of tobacco still in them, so I rounded up all I could in a little pile.  Then I thought, "Hmm, how am I going to smoke this?"  I checked my wallet to see if I had any rolling papers left, and found that I was all out.  I looked in the main compartment where I kept some newspaper-clippings and pulled one out.  The clipping was about the effect of sunshine on people, it was pretty important.  I noticed that there was a small square of credits to the author in the corner.  I carefully tore the square out, grabbed another piece of paper out of my wallet and put the square of newspaper in it.  I then put some of the tobacco on top of the square, and rolled the other piece of paper.  I licked the edge and pulled out my homegrown cigarette.  The spit was good enough to keep the dooby's shape, but I had to continually hold it, especially while I took drags.  So, mission-accomplished, I got some nicotine in my lungs, as well as a little bit of ink from the newspaper.
     It was almost time to go wait for the bus.  The bus-stop was very close to the house, so I went to it and waited.  As I waited, this lady walked by, crossing the ditch that was across the street.  She was a tad overweight and all sweaty.  She walked by and I smiled and said hello.  She walked across the street and asked me, "What?"  I said hello again and she smiled back.  I asked her where she was walking to.  She told me she was going to the Coastal gas station.  I said, "Why don't you ride the bus, need some change?"  She looked contemplative and finally said, "Ahh, it's good exercise."  I agreed with her and told her to walk carefully.
     The 91 finally came, went through West Telemarketing, and continued down Fredericksburg.  At around Medical, after it had stopped at the University Hospital Transfer Center, we were back at Fredericksburg when the driver made the report that the air-conditioning had stopped working.  The bus was packed and you could feel the heat building up.  The driver said we could open up the air-vents in the ceiling if we wanted to.  I was standing closer to the rear one so I went and opened it.  Then I walked up the the front of the bus and tried to open the front one, but it was stuck.  I then decided to get off the heat trap, that I would walk a block and catch the 92 to the plasma place, which came every 20 minutes.  The 91 doesn't stop right in front of the plasma place either, like the 92 does.
     I walked over to Louis Pasteur and waited for the 92.  It finally comes and I boarded it, with the transfer I bought before getting off the hot bus.  The 92 went a little ways down Fredericksburg, hopped over Loop-410 and stopped at the Crossroads Mall Transfer Center.  It soon pulled off and proceeded back to Fredericksburg.  A couple blocks later I told the driver, "Next stop please," and got off in front of the plasma place.  I walked into the plasma place and signed in.  I made the mistake of striking up a conversation with Naomi, this girl who worked there.  I told her how I just got back from having this great adventure and that I had myself committed to a state hospital, but only because it was better than jail.  Stupid-me, it slipped my mind that you're not allowed to "donate" plasma after being in jail for over 72 hours, and I told her I had been in jail for 4 days.  She told me I couldn't donate for another year.  Hmm, I thought, what to do?
     I was carrying my 3½-inch floppy with all reports and dissertations, so I told her that I was going to find a place to print out my story, bring it back and have her read it and that she would change her mind.  She told me not to bother, because rules are rules.  So, I stepped outside and thought, "Hmm, where can I get this printed out?"  "Ahh-ha! the thrift store that's across the street!", I thought.  I knew they had a computer there, and before I had left on my trip this darling friend I had made there, Olivia had let me have an antique couch and chair, so I was on good terms with them.  It was like 3:00pm and I went and asked for Olivia.  They told me she didn't get there until 4.  So darn, I was going to have to wait.  I stepped outside and looked around and thought some more.  "Hey!  The National Institute of Technology is right here in the same building as the thrift store!", I thought.  So badass, I walked over, spotted a young, attractive girl smoking a cigarette and gave her the cigarette-solicitation.  She was real cool and gave one up.  I told her about my predicament and asked her if she thought my chances were good of getting my story printed out.  She said she was just a receptionist there, but told me the lady I needed to ask.  I went inside, the lady whom I was told to ask wasn't there, but I stepped into the dude's office, told him my situation and that I needed to go clear my name at the plasma place.  He took the disk and told me he would return shortly.  I overheard him conferring with this other lady about it, and heard them say they were going to have to scan it with Norton Anti virus first.  So, I waited for about 20 minutes and back comes the guy, with my 6-page printout in tow.  Badass, I thought.  I thanked him and walked to the front.
     As I was near the entrance I saw the hot girl I had bummed the cigarette from.  I walked up to her and asked her if she'd like to read my story.  She said sure and I bummed another cigarette from her and went outside to smoke it, telling her I would be back after she read it.  When I finished the cigarette, I went back inside and asked her what she thought of it.  She said that her boss didn't give her a chance to read it.  Just then some dude came up to me and started yelling at me to leave, because I wasn't a student there.  I told him to wait and then wrote down my email address to the lovely girl and left.
     So I left the school.  I went straight for the thrift store next.  Now that I had a hard-copy of my story, I wanted my friend Olivia to read it.  I walked in and saw her and told her to read my story.  She looked at all the pages and told me she didn't have time and that she should make copies of it. I said cool and let her.  I gave her a hug and proceeded to the plasma place to go clear my name.
     Stupid-me, I forgot the place closed at 4pm on Fridays.  If I hadn't gone to the thrift store to show Olivia my story, I would've made it on time.  I caught the 92 back to Medical Center.  As I was on the bus with my report, I let some kid read it.  He was impressed and asked me if it was all true.  I told him damn-straight and smiled.
     At the hospital, I rode the bus to the stop after the main one.  I wanted to go talk to the ladies at the Easter Seals place where I attended some bullshit head-injury rehabilitation program a while back. I wanted to see if they would make me copies of my story.  Dumbass-me forgot it was Friday and everyone was gone.  So I walked back to the transfer-center.  My ex-girlfriend's mother, Linda, worked at the VA hospital that was right next to the buses, so I went to go let her read it.  I walked inside and turned left down the hallway where the room with her cubicle was.  It was closed, but I looked through the small window, saw an old man, and knocked.  He came and answered the door and I asked for Linda.  He let me in and I walked over to where she usually sits, just to find her chair empty.  "Damn", I said, no one is here today.  As I was walking out of the office, I spotted one of Linda's friends Jessica.  I said hello to her and asked her if she had heard about the things that had happened to me lately.  She told me she new about it vaguely.  I asked her if she had time and would like to read my story.  I told her, "Let me show you how crazy I really am."  She giggled and agreed.  Jessica read my story over and seemed impressed.  She even told me I should get it published.  I asked Jessica if she could spare 50 cents for bus-fare and she said yes.  She handed me the coins and I bid her adieu.  From there I walked over to the bus terminal, spotted my security-guard friend, and gave him my story to read.  He was all smiles and gave me two thumbs up.
     I then caught the 91 headed to West Telemarketing.  I thought I would go kill some time there and bum cigarettes.  It was already dark, around 9pm.  I walked over to the smoking-cabana and got a cigarette off the first person I asked.  I struck up many conversations, telling people about all my ideas and such.  I was going to go back to my friend Carlos' and see if anyone was home now.  I caught the bus, it drove to West again and back to Babcock North.  I got off at the stop and saw a couple cars parked in front of their house.  "Cool", I thought, someone is finally home.
     The sun had gone down already and it was getting dark.  My friend Bob was home and gave me a cigarette to smoke.  I got a good head-rush off it and set my plan for the night.  I wanted to walk up to Medical Center and go to all the bars where I would collect Marlboro Miles.  What I would do, and had done many times before, was walk up to anyone in the bars smoking cigarettes, like 99% of them smoke Marlboro's.  I would then ask them if they collect Marlboro Miles.  The majority of them told me no.  I would then ask them if they minded if I took the Miles off of their box, that I would leave the box intact and not ruin the cigarettes.  Everyone would be cool with it and I would walk out of every bar with shitloads of Marlboro Miles.  Free shit. You can get a catalog from Marlboro, only by calling an 800 number that you can only find on the internet(which I have).  The catalog is filled with all this Marlboro-paraphernalia, including all this survival and camping supplies.  I had told myself I was going to fill up this drawer in the kitchen with miles before I even got the catalog.  I had heard that they had things like a two-person kayak and a lot of other cool stuff.  I was going to see if they had a TV, a DVD Player and a pool-table(only if it was full-size).  I was going to deck out my my apartment with quality-merchandise and it wasn't going to cost me a dime.
     Anyway, I never made it to any bars that night.  I started walking from Babcock North, I was hungry and was pissed off that I hadn't eaten.  Just then I walked by the Dominos Pizza and got an idea.  I walked in and talked to the general manager, this cute girl named Jessica Jewell.  I soon found out how much of a jewel she really was.  I told her that I was a professional walker and that my destination was downtown.  I said, "Any gasoline you can donate for my stomach would be greatly appreciated."  She told me to hold on, left real quick and came back and asked me what toppings I wanted on it.  I was like, "Badass, gimme mushrooms and Canadian bacon."  I let her read my story and she seemed captivated.  I told her about my mission-objectives and how I planned to have everything to do with the elimination of money and she stood there agreeing with everything I said.  So bam, free food.  I asked her if giving her a hug would be inappropriate and she giggled and told me yes, so I kindly shook her hand.
     It was around 2:00am by this time and I started walking down Prue Road with the pizza.  I was about halfway down Prue when I spotted this girl walking in the opposite direction.  I called out to her and asked her if she wanted a slice of pizza.  She got excited and said yes.  I suggested we sit down on some rocks and eat.  This girl was really cool, she had some kind of foreign accent.  I found out that she was 31 years old, but she looked like she was 18.  She was a bit off in her thinking and I felt like she was cherishing my generosity and just being herself, which I liked.  I let her read my story and she immediately took possession of it, accusing me that I had stolen her story to make a million bucks off of it.  Weird huh?  We sat there talking and eating pizza for about 30 minutes and I asked her to stop playing around and return my story to me.  She refused, so I stood up and just snatched it away.  "Oh, so now you're going to steal my story again", she said.  "Yup, tough-titties lady", I responded.  She laughed and started walking away.  From the distance she yelled at me, "Good luck!"
     I walked a little further, I had about half a pizza left.  I passed the police substation where I had stopped and made friends before.  Since I had half a pizza I stopped in to say hi and asked if they wanted my cold pizza.  I told them if they had a microwave they could warm it up.  They graciously accepted.  I had decided to call it a night and walk to my exgirlfriend's apartment.  I remembered she had a nice warm blanket in her balcony and I was going to go there, climb up in her balcony and call it a night.  I was filthy from all the walking I had done and I needed a shower.  I then got the idea to go swimming in the apartment's pool for a quick wash.  I took off all my clothes except for my boxer's and went for a swim.  Dude, the water was terrifically-warm.  I was so relaxed.  Everyone was sleeping, it was about 2:30am, so I had loads of privacy.
     I then got out of the pool, stood there for about 20 minutes to dry off, since I didn't have a towel, dried my feet off with my socks then put my shoes on.  I hopped over the fence to the pool and walked back to my ex girlfriend's apartment.  I climbed into her second-story balcony, unfolded the warm blanket, and crashed out for a couple hours.  I awoke around 6am.  I thought I would walk out to Fredericksburg again and catch the first bus that passed.  I walked up to the intersection and saw a police officer sitting in his squad-car in the Sonic parking lot.  I had my printed-out story with me so I went over to him and asked if he would like to read it.  I asked him if he had eaten any of the pizza I had left at the station earlier, but he did not know what I was talking about.  I then started telling him about all my ideas and how I planned to eliminate money soon.  I guess he thought I was a complete nutcase because he asked me for my identification and ran it through his computer.  I did not remember at the time, but a warrant had been issued for my arrest for a no-insurance ticket I had received in the Uhual before I departed for the west-coast.  He told me to turn around and proceeded to hand-cuff me.  I remembered and said, "Warrant right?"  He nodded and I told him there was no need for any roughness, that I would not resist.  He then made me sit down in his car and we drove to the Bexar County Magistrate Office/Detention Center downtown.
     Dude, that place was full of criminals.  They put me in this cell with a whole lot of other males.  There was a phone on the wall that could only make collect calls, but at first, I did not use it.  Once again, I did not let it get to me and become depressed.  I went into my whole free-of-responsibility phase again.

     I had done nothing wrong so I was sure my case would be dismissed at any moment.  I got the idea to try and contact some press and get my story out as soon as possible.  Hours passed while I was in deep thought.  I asked a staff-member to call the press for me, but all he gave me was a phone number to call collect.  It just turns out that the phone number he gave me was to the police-information desk.  I called that and said my name when it prompted me to.  Some lady answered and I asked to speak to a detective.  She put me on hold and told me that I would be connected shortly, but in the end I was just wasting my time because I got disconnected.  I tried again with the same result.
     I then got a brilliant idea.  I would just keep bugging this lady and stir up some attention.  I quickly memorized the number, 207-8939.  I called once more but at the name-prompt I said, "It didn't work, please try again."  I got nothing out of that, so on my next attempt I said, "You ignorant bitch, make it work already."  The call was quickly denied, to no surprise.  I called again and said, "Haha, you have to listen to every one of these to make sure it's not a legitimate call."  Once again, quickly denied.  Next one was, "HAHA FUCK THE POLICE!"  I could feel my balls growing larger every minute.
     Mission-accomplished, I got some attention.  A few guards pulled me out of the cell, hand-cuffed me with my arms behind my back and put me in this little stand-up cell in full-display of the desk where the cops were.  Having my hands cuffed behind my back was damn-uncomfortable, so I easily bent down and stepped over my arms.  Tada, my arms were now in front of me.  I flaunted my accomplishment to the cops and started making a ruckus in the tiny cell.  I began head-butting the plastic panel in front of the wire door, just to make a loud bang.  When a staff-member looked over I said, "Haha, made you look."  I was all about the attention.  I was trying to see if they would assume I was mentally-unstable and send me to a state-hospital, the same way they did in the past.  No such luck, they finally figured out my attention-scheme.  One stupid cop even told the others, pretending like he knew shit, "You see guys, that's Pavlov's law of attention he's using, just ignore him."  I guess that idiot forgot that Pavlov was a veterinarian.
     They pretended to heed his warning and pretended to ignore me.  Man, I was making such a racket.  I had my arms in front of me still and they came over one more time to put them behind my back.  This time they thought they were slick.  They clipped a hand-cuff to my rear belt-loop.  Remember, I had gone swimming the night before and wasn't wearing any underwear.  They had taken my belt too, so my pants were all loose.  When I was placed back in my little cell, I just pulled my pants down and stepped over my arms again.  There I was with my veiny dick in full view.  I started banging my head some more and spread my legs wide open so everyone could get a good look.
     I rubbed my peter to get it hard.  When it had plumped up a bit, I stuck it through the wire of the door.  I yelled frantically, "LOOK AT MY PENIS!"  Ha, it was a riot!  I then started to make all these rapping noises and yelling, "FUCK THE POLICE!"  One of the guards started dancing to my rap song, just to make me think he didn't care.  It was hilarious.  I got some really big balls and I just showed them to everybody in Bexar County Jail.  I take the fun with me everywhere I go

     Man, these guys thought they were geniuses with their next move.  They put my arms behind my back again, attached it to my belt loop again, but this time they put leg shackles on me too.  They thought it would be impossible for me to bring my arms in front of me again.  Then they took me out of the little cell I was in and placed me in one of the same type, only out of view of everyone, in this little hallway near the entrance to the jail.  Ahh-hah, privacy.  I told them that before long, I would have my arms in front of me again.  They were like, "Yeah right, that's impossible."  I said, "Just give me time guys."  I sat down long and hard and put myself into deep-thought.  I was sitting down with my knees bent and my arms under my legs.  Ah-hah, I figured that if I somehow was to get through the belt loop, that I would be able to pull my arms in front of me again.  I tried to yank the belt loop hard enough to break myself free, but the hand-cuffs hurt my wrists too much.  I began to think a little harder.  I then quickly noticed that the leg-irons they had just put on me had all these sharp notches.  Eureka!  That was how I was going to do it!  I started rubbing the belt-loop against the notches.  I wasn't making much progress, but slowly but surely, it started to fray a little.  Once there was a few strands loose, I brought the loop up to my mouth and started biting at it, ripping strands with my teeth.  The process took me about an hour, but I finally got all the way through it!  Haha, I got my way!
     I easily put my feet through my legs and my arms were in front of me again.  I stood up and started banging on the plastic part of the door, once again making a loud ruckus, trying to get attention.  No one came, but I stood there elated with my accomplishment.  I then bent down and put my pants on and tucked in my shirt, so they wouldn't fall off.  About 30 minutes passed and finally a guard came and opened my little cell.  He walked me to the main room where all the other mass-cells were.  I assured him that I would behave and he told me I better not use the phone.  I told him that I would just use it to call the press, and we turned and walked to a big empty cell.  The phone in that cell was missing the hand-piece, so bummer.  I stood in this cell for a while, then they put someone in the cell across from mine.  The guy was saying crazy stuff and I started talking to him about my ideas. He attentively listened and congratulated me for getting it all figured out.
     Soon, they came and got me, hand-cuffed me to a small chain-gang and walked me to go talk to the judge.  When I got to the judge's office, I stood there in line while he told the others in front of me what was going to happen and how much money they owed.  When it got to my turn, he asked me why I hadn't taken care of the no-insurance ticket.  I told him that I was out of town at the time.  He went, "That's no excuse, you could have called and let us now, or send us some money for the fine."  He was real dumb but told me he was setting my bail at $200.  He asked me how I wanted to plead, guilty or not guilty.  I told him neither, for my case would be dismissed soon.  He got angry and went, "Ok, I'm going to put not guilty and you'll have a jury trial if you're case isn't dismissed."  "Fair enough, your honor," I told him.  I was then walked out and placed back in the cell.  Soon after that, it was already morning,  I was hooked up to a chain-gang again and walked to and loaded into a truck.  Off we went to county jail.
     County jail was a joke, we were all corralled into this room past the front door, made to take off our shoes and thoroughly-searched.  Then we were given pieces of paper saying who we were and shit.  All the inmates they had shipped over went through and while I was waiting I asked the guard if we would be fed, because I was hungry.  He jokingly told me, "If I feel like it."  I got to some desk and was told number 6.  I assumed that was the number they had assigned me and walked over to the first mass-cell I came across.  In this cell there were lots of people crowded in there, some laying down on the bare-floor sleeping.  Finally some inmate in striped orange and white scrubs walked by and gave each person a sandwich bag with two sandwiches and two cookies, then this bullshit orange drink thing.  Dude, the sandwiches weren't bad at all, and they gave you two!  Cool, I wasn't as hungry anymore.
     So there I waited for about an hour.  A guard came up to me and told me why I was in this cell.  I told him it was for doing good and he said, "No, why are you in cell #1, you're supposed to be in #6.  I told him, "Ohhh, that's what that number meant.", and moved to number 6.  In cell #6, I recognized two guys that I had struck up a conversation with and made friends with earlier.  One of the dudes, Ryan, was all torn up earlier in the detention center and crying.  I tried to console him and tell him to just change the way he looked at it, to see it as being provided a life free of responsibility instead of being held in a jail.  "Dude", I told him, "You have a roof over your head, food in your stomach and someone else is paying for it man."  He looked at me weird, then stopped crying.  I soon overheard him talking on the phone with his mom telling her, "Mom, listen to me, don't cry.  My main concern is getting your car out of the impound now, I don't care about being in here.  I'll get out soon, it's just a matter of time."  When he had hung up with her, I firmly shook his hand and said, "I'm proud of you, man."  I also had said, "Dude, I don't mean to toot my horn or flatter myself, but I feel maybe I had something to do with your surge of courage right then."  He told me, "You know what, I think you did," but all that happened before we even got to the county jail.
     So there we were in cell #6.  I asked Ryan if he was ok.  By now, the depression took him over and he just ignored the question saying, "Damnit, I want to get the fuck out of here already!"  I told him, "Keep your chin up dude, all in due time."  I don't know how long we were in that cell.  To pass the time I observed the happenings outside the cell, in the room.  Cops were being total dicks.  If inmates were standing up in their cells, cops would walk by and tell them, "Sit the fuck down, bitch!"  I was astonished.  I just then realized that jailhouse cops have the perfect dickhead job.  They can actually get paid to be assholes.  Their bosses must tell them that because you're in charge of criminals, you're supposed to be assholes to them.  It seemed like that was in their job-description.  I finally came to the realization that the majority of people who become policemen are insecure motherfuckers.  They need to compensate for their little penises so they become cops so that they're allowed to be dickheads, it's in their nature.  Pussies.
     Let's see.  What happened next?  Hmm.  I was soon attached to a chain-gang and loaded up into a truck.  We drove to Bexar County Jail where I was booked and waited for many hours.  I was finally, after seeing a nurse and shit, sent upstairs to the 6th floor of the county jail.  Section K.  I was placed in a "pod", a tiny cave with a bunk and a sink/toilet.  I was in a cell on the bottom floor, right next to the guard-station.

     County Jail was a breeze.  The first day I was there, I was even made a trustee, one of the prisoners who gets all these privileges and shit.  I helped get the meals and drinks ready.  For that I got to eat as many extra trays as I wanted, so I was never hungry.  To pass the time and not be bored I paced in my cell.  Every time I passed the door I counted out loud, at the top of my lungs, just to get attention, what number I was on.  I was only there for the weekend, three days.  The last day I got all the way up to a thousand  paces.
     They asked me if I wanted to work and I said, "Yeah, give me a project."  They told me I had to sweep the entire cellblock, even upstairs and handed me a wide push-broom.  I went, "No, can you give me a regular small broom?  They told me no, but I insisted and they gave me a small broom.  Man, I swept the fuck out of that cellblock.  I even overheard the guards say, "Wow, he does some pretty detailed work."
     On the third day, Sunday I got fed up with it and planned my escape.  I went up to the guard and told him, "Hey man, I've been in jail all weekend now on some bullshit no-insurance warrant on a U-Haul that I rented, and all U-Hauls have insurance.  I just want you to know that every day I remain in jail will just be extra fuel for my lawsuit against the city, and I guarantee that you will be the first motherfucker to lose his job."  Five minutes later I was sent downstairs to be discharged.
     As I was waiting for the whole process, I started pacing to kill time.  The guards outside yelled at me to sit down and I remained standing, telling the guard that I was about to be discharged soon.  He started yelling at me and came up to me trying to intimidate me.  I told him, "I dare you to place a finger on me, it will make my lawsuit against the city so much sweeter."  He pushed me a little, getting more pissed off and by then two other guards had come over.  I grinned really big and calmly sat down, crossing my legs.  They started yelling at me again, and I went, "Oh, I'm so sorry sir, please accept my apology."  I was being all facetious.  The guy who had first come over asked me, "Oh, you haven't gotten your ass-kicking in jail yet?  Maybe it's about time you did before you get discharged."  I told him, "Nope, everyone liked me in jail, they never had any grounds to kick my ass, besides, I wouldn't let anyone, even if they tried."  They then put me in a room by myself where I went to wait for them to process me out of there.  I waited for about fifteen minutes or so and then they finally came and got me and I was told to stand in this line in front of the desk where they give you all the stuff they took from you when admitted.  I got my wallet, my pocket-binoculars, and all my papers back.  I was given a court-date and was escorted to the entrance of the jail and released.
    Yeehaw!  Freedom!  I walked out, jumped up and down and started walking towards downtown.  It was like 1:30am and all the buses had stopped running already.   Now the jail was located on the Southside of downtown, so I started walking towards the city.  I walked for about 15 minutes and I came across a nice pub.  I walked inside and asked for a cup of water.  I asked the waitress, "Guess what I'm going to do soon?"  She asked me what and I said, "Eliminate money and bring world peace."  She looked at me like I was crazy and didn't believe a word I said, but still remained very nice.  I walked up to this guy who was smoking and asked him if he had a spare cigarette I could have.  He promptly grabbed one out of his pack and gave it to me.  Ahhh, that was such a good cigarette.  First one I had since before I had gone to jail.  I noticed it was a Marlboro so I asked him, "Do you, by any chance collect Marlboro-miles?"  He said no and I told him, "Do you mind if I take the ones off of your box? I will leave the box intact and not ruin the cigarettes."  He said sure.  I then told him, "Hey, guess where I just escaped from 15 minutes ago."  He had a puzzled look on his face and I said, "County jail, legitimately though."  I told him how I threatened to sue the city and was discharged soon afterwards.  He laughed and I began to tell him about all my ideas.  He was thoroughly impressed, gave me another cigarette and wished me much luck.
     Off I go walking again.  I got to Broadway, which I knew ended up on Loop 410 eventually.  Of course, I was hungry by then, so I went inside an all-night restaurant and asked to speak to the manager.  When the manager came up I told him my old shpeel, "Hi, my name is Victor, I walk for health and my destination tonight is the medical center.  I was wondering if you could donate some gasoline for stomach.  Something inexpensive and preferably healthy, like a salad or something."  He looked upset for me asking, but went and got me a small portion of french-fries and a cup of water.  I gobbled up the fries and thanked the manager.
     I walked for about 30 more minutes and passed a man smoking a cigarette.  I asked him for one and he gave it to me.  I was hungry again by then so I walked into a Taco Cabana to see if I could get another donation.  There was a big line at the door and as I stood there waiting in it, I told the guy behind me, "Watch me get my food for free."  He was shocked and said, "What?  You mean not even pay a dime?"  I told him yes and he said he would have to see it to believe it.  I said, "Look, the lady at the cashier looks like an older Hispanic, Catholic mother and you know they're always wanting to feed people."  When it was my turn, I asked to speak to the manager and luckily the lady at the cashier said that she was one.  I told her my line and she said, "I cant give you anything for free."  I said, "That's ok ma'am, thanks anyway."  Then she told me, "But Ii can pay for it for you if you are really hungry. Go sit down right there and I'll bring it out to you."  The guy behind me hadn't heard her and when he saw me getting out of line said, "Ha, better luck next time, buddy!"  I told him, "I just got my luck right now," and sat down.  He looked at the manager and said, "You mean you're not going to charge him for that!?"  She said, "That's right. He's hungry and walking."  The dude told her, "But look at him, he looks like Bin-laden with that beard and you're going to feed a terrorist."  I laughed heartily.  The lady told the guy, "Mind your own business," and took his order and his money.  After the guy ordered, he came up and sat at my table and shook my hand.  He said he was very impressed and I told him how I planned to eliminate money and that this instance proved my theory about how there are still plenty of nice people in this world who will do things out of generosity.  The manager brought me out this fat taco which would fuel me up for at least 10 miles.  I thanked her and told her how generous she was, ate the taco, gave the guy my email address and left.
     I walked all the way to a highway and jumped on heading North.  To make a long story short, I ended up walking 281N all the way to Basse, turned left and walked to San Pedro . 3 or 4 hours had passed and the first buses were about to start running.  At San Pedro the bus came, I boarded it and asked the driver if he could run me up to North Star Mall, which was about a mile away.  I let him know I had been walking since downtown and had no fare.  He gladly let me on.
     When I got to the mall, I grabbed a payphone, used the calling-card information I had memorized and called my ex girlfriend's cellphone.  She was on the bus on her way to work at the mall I was at.  I told her that I had escaped and she asked me from where.  I said, "County jail," and explained how I had talked my way out.  I told her, "You'll see me soon Chasity," and hung up.  Imagine the look of surprise 5 minutes later when she got off the bus and saw me.  I walked with her inside and asked her if there was any way she could give me the key to her apartment, so I could go take a shower and sleep.  She told me no, and was frustrated at me for making the request.  She then decided to call in to work and go back home with me.  Yay!  I was going to go get clean and be able to rest!
     Ahhhhh, Chasity's shower was just like I remembered it, with lots of water-pressure.  I took a quick shower and crashed out on my big bed she still has.  While I was asleep, Chasity was nice enough to go wash my clothes for me.

 

- Victor Antonio