brewster

 

First Attempt

     Let me tell you about my first attempt West.  I didn't even get out of Texas.  Mid-2002, I got all these crazy hair-brained ideas about saving the world and told myself, "I'm going to hitchhike to the West Coast and save the world."  I got myself evicted from my apartment on Vance Jackson/Huebner on purpose.  I didn't want a lease holding me down.  I had a world to save.  Plus, the money could be better spent.  I rented a U-Haul truck and moved all my big furniture to my mom's house.  On the second trip I was able to fit everything I owned(which isn't much) into the U-Haul.  It then dawned on me, "Hey, I don't have to hitchhike to California now.  I'm just going to take off in the U-Haul.  They can try and stop me."  It's not like I was stealing it or anything.  I was going to give it back to U-Haul when I got to California(after I found a place to put my stuff).

     The day before I took off in the U-Haul I had driven it to the Texas Thrift Store on Fredericksburg/Gardina.  I knew the manager, Olivia.  I had told her about my ideas and she was always giving me stuff.  Well, that day she was hooking me up with an antique couch.  As I was helping them load the couch into the U-Haul I noticed this black lady looking at the mattresses outside.  I told her, "Be sure to pick a firm one.  They're used."  I asked her if she had some way to get the mattress home and she told me no, that she had to figure that out.  I asked her where she lived and she said just around the corner.  I told her, "Well hey, since I got my U-Haul here I can just deliver it for you.  Don't worry about it."  Well, as I was driving into her apartment complex I ran the part over the cab into the parking lot covering of her apartments.  I brought it down.  I am real lucky there were no cars underneath.  I punched a big foot in diameter whole in the Mom's Attic part(which later served as ventilation when I slept in the U-Haul in Austin).  I got the U-Haul unstuck and proceeded to deliver the mattress.  I helped the lady upstairs with it and told her peace out.

     Well, as I am nearing the entrance to the apartments all these people jump out in front of the U-Haul. They were yelling at me, "You have to stop and deal with this!"  I told them, "I was on my way to.  Calm down.  I'll even volunteer labor to fix it. It will be a project."  They ended up calling the cops.  A police officer showed up ten minutes later.  He asked me if I had any insurance on the U-Haul.  I always thought that when you rent a U-Haul they're supposed to make you get insurance and when I went they just handed me the keys because they were closing.  I told the cop, "I didn't buy any insurance for this U-Haul."  He gives me a ticket for no-insurance.  Oil well.

     I just took off.  Just at the spur of the moment, I decided to go North first, to Austin.  I thought I would go talk to hippies in Austin before going West.  Right when I got near San Marcos I saw the billboard for Wonderworld.  This awesome place they have caves at.  I went up and talked to the kids at the front desk and told them about my mission.  I told them how I was writing a book on generosity and how I planned to bring world peace.  I even offered the dude there David Raybuck a spiked cigarette I had loaded with a hit of KB.  For sure they were going to let me go in for free, hehe.  It was a great way to start off my adventure.

     After Wonderworld I kept going North to Austin.  From what I can remember not that many people listened to me in Austin.  Austin is real sold out and trendy.  There's a lot of wannabe hippies there.  Hippiecrites.  I crashed in the U-Haul that night.   The next day I decided I would go back down South to San Antonio and get back on I10.  Well, when I felt ready to go West, I ended up missing the turn for Interstate 10.  I hate doubling back, so I just decided to jump on the next Westbound highway I came across.  Good 'ol I90.  I drove through Uvalde, Del Rio(almost ran right into Mexico), Sanderson and I stopped in Marathon, TX.  This podunk little town in West Texas.  As I was driving through Marathon I passed the Marathon Coffee Shop.  I saw the sign had Internet Access advertised.  I always need to check my email so I decided to stop.  I parked the U-Haul and got out.  I noticed the "Closed" sign displayed on the coffee shop and thought to myself, "Hmm, that's weird.  It's the middle of the day on a weekday.  This place should be open."  I looked at the front of the coffee shop a little closer and noticed that all five bay windows, real tall windows were wide open.  Anyone could just easily step inside.  I went, "Hmm, there's gotta be somebody here."  I banged on the door and yelled inside and no one answered.  I looked inside and saw they had two brand new Macintosh computers sitting on a wooden table next to the open windows.  I thought, "Damn, this place could just get cleaned out. I have to leave this place a note."

     What I did was easily step inside the coffee shop.  I took the helm at one of the computers.  I am not too familiar with Macs so it took me a while to find a program I could type into.  I pulled up a blank email form and started typing a message.  I wrote, "You guys should feel lucky because not everyone who walks into a closed business, like I have is going to leave everything alone, like I am.  I am just telling you.  Shut your windows."

     I totally realize I could have left a paper note pinned to the door or something.  But, I didn't feel that would have nearly the same effect.  What better way to convey my message than to have the owner walk in tomorrow and find a note typed up on his computer with all his things still there?  Plus, I thought if I left a paper note the owner might disregard such a casual warning thinking he could trust his community.  An interstate highway runs through his community.

     I was almost done typing up the note when I hear somebody coming in from the back.  It was the owner.  This guy named Kelly.  At First Kelly was mad and was yelling at me, "You know we are closed!"  I told him, "I understand that sir, but if you had been securely closed I could not have gotten in here.  Let alone someone who would've taken all your shit.  I'm just telling you.  Shut your windows.  If you will read this note I just typed up all questions will be answered."  He was ignorant and chose not to.  He didn't seem threatened or anything so I jumped in on my ideas(so he thought I was crazy).  I even stepped outside and grabbed a cigarette out of the U-Haul.  I was outside smoking and talking to Kelly.  When I finished my cigarette I tell him, "Well Kelly.  I really should be on my way now.  I have a lot of work to do."  Kelly tells me, "Well, can you wait for one of my friends to show up?"  I say, "Well Kelly, I'll talk to anyone but level with me man, is your friend a police officer?"  He told me it was the local sheriff.  I told him, "That's ok.  I haven't done anything wrong.  I'll stay and talk."  About ten minutes later the sheriff of Brewster County pulls up.  Some kid about my age.  Cody Jones, if my memory serves me well.  He asks me if I have any warrants for my arrest and I tell him, "Nope, I have a clean record.  I've never had any trouble with the law."  He tells me to turn around and pats me down, finding my sneak-a-toke.  Luckily I had smoked the very last of my kynd bud right before I got there(I was all stoned, hehe).  Officer Jones tells me to put my arms behind my back and slaps some handcuffs on me and takes me to jail.  Guess what the charge is.  Felony Burglary.  What a joke.

     Brewster County Jail in Alpine, TX.  I had never been to jail before.  I was hoping the whole time it was going to get dismissed because I didn't take anything.  As soon as I got to jail I saw how big a game it was and I started playing the hand I was dealt.  I was not going to let jail bring me down.  I just had to change the way I looked at it.  The way I saw it I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach and somebody else was paying for it.  What?  This is what criminals deserve?  A life free of responsibility?  Umm, give me a book. 

     Which reminds me, I noticed they had a book shelf there.  I asked the staff if I could look through it to see if there was anything I wanted to read.  The only book I pulled out of that bookshelf, was sticking out at eye level was called Human Behavior at Work by Keith Davis.  Some old text book written in 1977.  Since I had nothing better to do in jail I sat down and taught myself how to write with my left hand.  I copied out the whole first chapter of that book with my left hand.  I got the most excellent quotes out of that book.  Stuff that pertains exactly to my mission.  I was meant to read that book.           

     When they first put me in jail they put me in a cell with four other guys.  It wasn't that bad at all.  We even had cable television.  But, after the second day the other guy's started to resent my carefree attitude.  Like, when they would wake up in the morning I would ask them, "How did you sleep?"  One guy yelled at me, "How do you think I slept!? I'm in jail!"  "I was just trying to be nice, sorry," I told him.  They started talking shit about me behind my back and I finally asked the staff if they could put me in a solitary cell by myself.  They thought it to be a strange request, but granted it when one became available. 

     Man, the solitary cell was badass.  It was like I had my own apartment in jail.  Tons of privacy and time to think.  Plenty of time to think of a way to get out of jail.   

     Check out the clever plan I concocted in my little solitary cell.  You see, when they put you in jail they treat you like a criminal showing you no respect at all.  The cops talk shit to you for no reason and get in your face and try to make you hit them so they can hit you back.  I noticed the only thing they put any importance on was the inmate's mental condition.  They didn't want anybody turning suicidal and killing themselves because they would be held liable.  After quickly realizing that, I had a great idea, "Ah-ha, now I know how I'm going to get out of jail." 

     On the fourth night I gently banged my head on the metal door of the cell.  Just hard enough to give me a good bump.  At the same time my head hit the door I hit it hard with the palm of my hand, just to make a big bang.  I had already told the staff how I've had two closed head injuries and if I had a third one I could die.  I also told them about the tremor I have in my right arm.  So as I lay there pretending to be unconscious I violently shook my right arm and leg, just to make my "attempt" a little more believable.  I was hoping they would send me to some hospital to treat my "depression"(which would be better than jail). 

     It worked like a charm. The staff rushed to my cell and crowded around me.  They were all, "Victor, Victor, are you ok?!"  I sat up all playing it off, "Oww, my head hurts."  They told me that someone from MHMR(Mental Health, Mental Retardation) was on her way over.  When this lady got there I talked to her in a private room.  The first thing she told me was, "Victor, I assure you, there's nothing I can do to get you out of jail."  Hehe, I knew better though.  Sobbing, I told her, "Well, if I am to remain in jail I'm just going to keep trying to kill myself."  Before I know it, they had me lined up at the front desk and gave me my wallet back.  They called this head-honcho officer and this other staff worker Ross(who didn't think I'd done anything wrong and was friendly with me the whole time.  I even remember him saying, "Burglary?  But he didn't take anything!") and I was driven to the local hospital in Alpine where I underwent a CAT-scan, to make sure I hadn't hurt myself(which I knew I hadn't).  After the CAT-scan I asked them, "Ok, where to now, guys?"  Ross told me, "Oh, we're going to another hospital in Big Spring three hours North."  I told them, "That's weird, what does the hospital in Big Spring have that the one here can't provide?"  They totally blew the question off, neglecting to tell me it was a psychiatric hospital(which I also knew along and was exactly what I was aiming for).  Mission accomplished.  I got myself out of jail.  It was a cinch.  I never knew I was such a good actor.  I did a great job of manipulating my situation.  No?

     Ahh, Big Spring State Hospital is a paradise compared to jail.  All my basic needs were met lavishly at this country-club.  I had a television in my room(which I never watched) and was even allowed to smoke cigarettes every hour on our "fresh-air" breaks.  I got to go swimming and had Internet access.  I made so many friends, too.   I also felt like my presence there helped many of the patients as well.  For example, the first day I got there I started working on a jigsaw puzzle in a dusty box that was on top of the television in the main day room.  It brought everyone together.  Both patients and staff contributed to the completion of the puzzles.  When we had finished the two puzzles that were in the day room, more were bought by staff-members.  Also, when I first arrived at the hospital I met two very reclusive patients, Marion and Angela.  They would never talk to anyone but themselves.  After experiencing my attitude and acceptance of them, they came out of their shells.

     As comfortable as I was I still wanted to go.  Remember, I had a world to save.  So after a couple weeks I asked them who was the head honcho.  I wanted to write this guy a letter.  They told me his name was Edward Mouhon.  I wanted to have a meeting with Mr. Mouhon.  Since I had learned how to write with my left hand in jail I wrote Mr. Mouhon a very legible letter requesting a meeting.  I started it off with, "Mr. Mouhon, it would only be fair if I made you aware of the happenings that brought me to your hospital/country club."  I told him the whole story about how I had tricked the cops.  I ended it off with, "Any delay in our meeting would only prove to me where all the ignorance I've come across in your hospital stems from."  Man, he had to see me the next day, hehe.  He was very impressed that I could know so much without having a formal education past high school.  He leaned over and whispered to me, "You won't be here long."

     When they first put me in the hospital they diagnosed me as suffering from Bipolar Syndrome(after very little observation).  Are you familiar with bipolar?  It's the PC term for manic-depression.  People who have extreme highs and lows.  To that I told them, "Wouldn't anyone with ideas as great as mine get all manic and excited about them?  And, at the same time after I come across so much ignorance to them from people like you, wouldn't it also be human of me to get depressed?  I'm not bipolar.  I'm human.  Who is always happy or always sad?  We don't need drugs." 

     At first I refused to take any medication.  I told them, "There's nothing wrong with me.  I tricked the cops into putting me in here."  I finally realized that the longer I refused to cooperate the longer I was going to be in that hospital.  It dawned on me, "Hmm, if I ever want to leave I am going to have to play by their rules . . . or at least pretend to."  I agreed to let them put me on this stuff called Zyprexa, supposedly the most benign thing I could take.  Every night at 8pm when they give meds, I would get in line.  When it was my turn they would hand me a cup with water and a cup with pills.  I would pop the pills in my mouth, cheek 'em, you know, scoot 'em to one side and gulp the water down.  Then I would walk to my room and spit them out in the toilet.  The next morning I would wake up and tell them, "Oh, I feel so much better. I think it's working."  I was able to pull that off for twenty days.  Then I made the mistake of telling this young girl who worked there, Julia about what I was doing.  I knew I could trust Julia, but some older lady overheard the conversation.  She later goes up to Julia and asks her, "Is he not taking his medication?"  Julia denies knowing anything and later comes and tells me that the lady asked her.  Well, that night at eight they gave me the cup with the pills and the cup with water.  I put the pills in my mouth and they pull out a tongue depressor.  I swallowed the pills and they checked my mouth.  They even made me sit in the day room for half an hour to be sure I digested it.

     After they busted me with the pills I showed them a copy of the letter I had sent Mr. Mouhon.  I told them, "So you see, I shouldn't be in this hospital, let alone taking medication.  Before you know it my stuff is going to get dismissed and they're going to send me home.  I didn't take anything."  They told me, "Well, if you don't take the pills we can give you a shot.  We've got a court order."  So I ended up taking the pills a couple times.  When I took those pills my mind went totally blank.  I wasn't thinking anything.  Good or bad.  Say no to drugs.  A couple days passed and when I got in line for meds, they gave me the cup with water and the cup with the pills and just turned right around.  Ah-ha, they were in on it.  I just kept cheeking the pills.

     In the end I was at Big Spring State hospital a total of thirty days.  Guess what, they paid for my Greyhound ticket back to San Antonio!  Round trip adventure.  All expenses paid.  Good thing I got a rich Uncle Sam, hehe. 

     Now, you're probably wondering what happened to all the stuff in the U-Haul right?  When I was in jail in Alpine I called U-Haul collect on the phone in my cell.  I asked whoever answered the phone if he could just relay a message to whoever matters there.  I apologized for just taking off in the truck.  I explained to them I was planning on returning it.  I begged them, "Just please don't call the cops.  I have a clean record(even though I was calling from jail).  I will take responsibility for any fine you want to give me."  Well, when I called U-Haul again from the state hospital, they hadn't called the cops on me.  They had just given me a four thousand dollar rental charge. They told me they would also charge me $53/month for storage until I paid off the balance.  I assumed the storage charges would just rack up until I found the money to pay it off, so I wasn't in a big hurry to get a job. 

     After about a month back in San Antonio, after I had already secured a full-time job working at some computer shop on DeZavala, I get a hand-delivered letter from U-Haul saying that if I didn't pay the balance off by December 2 that they were going to auction all my stuff off to the public.  I freaked.  That night I emailed U-Haul.com with a copy of my story, ideas and everything.  To my surprise I get a reply back from Dennis O'Conner.  Here, let me show you:

>From: "Dennis O'Connor"
>To: rightprotect@hotmail.com
>Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2002 08:51:34 -0700
>
>Mr. Gruber,
>
>Please call me directly at 1-800-528-0463 X6161. I will help you.
>Dennis O'Connor
>Director Storage Operations U-Haul International.

     Well, I call Dennis from my computer job the next day.  I thought maybe I was going to get my stuff back.  But alas, he turned out to be as ignorant as his whole generation.  He told me, "You stole our truck."  I told him, "I did not.  The keys were handed to me.  I didn't hotwire it or anything.  Call it breach of contract, not auto theft.  Umm, you can sue me."  He told me, "Well, here is what we can do.  We can finance 75% of your debt.  Just give us a thousand dollars and get your stuff out and we'll let you make payments on the rest."  I told him, "I don't have a thousand dollars.  I will in a couple weeks, when I get paid.  Can you just hold off the auction until then?  Then I'll start making payments."  He said, "No, either give us $1,000 or we're going to auction it."  I thought about for a second and told him, "You know what, I've done without it this long.  I can just let it go.  It can all be replaced.  You won't get twenty bucks for my shit."  

     So what I ended up doing was . . . showing up at that auction, hehe.  I got ALL my stuff back.  Guess how much money I gave U-Haul.  Fifteen dollars.  I had never been to a U-Haul auction before.  I thought it was going to be like a regular auction, that they auction items individually.  I brought $160 with me just to see how much of my stuff I could get back.  They ended up auctioning the entire unit's contents.  Just trying to clear space.  They wouldn't even let you look through it first.  Like then people showed up.  The first one they showed had a mountain of stuff and went for like two hundred dollars.  Mine was the second one and when they opened it, it just filled a small corner of the unit.  When they were opening the door I said, "Okay, this is everything I own."  One guy yells, "Oh, this is this guy's stuff," and points at me.  Bids start at five dollars so as soon as they opened the door I yell, "Five dollars!"  Nobody else bid on it.  The auctioneer looks at me and says, "You know what, we don't usually do this, but give me fifteen and you can have it."

    Sweeeeeeet! My name ain't Victor for nothin'.  HAHA FUCK U-Haul!

     Some good stuff was missing, but it was mostly there.  Like my whole wardrobe and stuff for my old apartment(that I eventually gave away on my mom's front lawn).