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frank515

 

RE: Self Love, not egoism, can cure depression.
franklin gruber <botanicogruber@hotmail.com>
Sat 5/15/2010 2:02 PM
Victor, do not feel bad about still being at your mother´s house at your age.  Children never really grow up entirely and parents never really quit being parents.  We always have more to learn from our parents.  When I came back to Panama, after failing as a father and businessman, my mother took me in like your mother is taking you in now.  Diana Chiari knew me better than anyone else alive then. It was she who gave me the first book on herbalism seeing my vocation in this field awakening.  Make notes and analyise all your mothers comments about your strengths in life, one of them you may expand upon and develop.  All ships need time in port for differrent kinds of repair while waiting to sail again.  Each wave grows and takes strength from the previous lull.  Once you grow more  in wisdom, an idea will be born in you that shall again propell thee.  Be patient, its a time for self analysis and introspection, not for self pity.  You should admit that you are a unique being, none other made exactly like you and as such you bring forth unique virtues you should discover and use. Would like vary much to send you the money or ticket for you to come this way. I am in an economic lull myself, but as always in the past, with faith in God, I wait for the breeze to move my sail and then try to sail wiser than before.  One never really stops growing up until we are one with God.  Its difficult but in eternaty each passes the ultimate tests, for God brings himself back unto himself.   Our voyage there is slow in our own estimation but one of progressive enlightenment and cycles also of darkness.  Recognition of him and our love and faith of him/her, he is really without gender, will help the enlightening process and lead us to those who can help along the way. I have been thinking about your awareness that it is detrimental o be obsessed with money.  Maybe its time some one write a book on  THE  SLAVERY TO MONEY.  It keeps us attached to man made systems.  Its like a soul in a quartz christal that cannot escape(hell), the capitalistic system is designed to avoid escape.  You have freedom to be a slave to the system more or less where you chose but not to get out of it entirely.  It puts father`s and mother`s in the position of losing the love of their children if they do not have slavery earned money.  This is not to say that I am a communist or deny all the virtues of modern civilization but  rather that the young of this generation should establish a web page where all can post ideas to substitute money with service without losing freedom.  They need to design the new system the market it the same way the governments allow violance to be marketed, peace thrown before war so it may eventually prevail. Back to the nurture of nature is the solution in my time that I found to the emotional depression of failure to belong to the money hungry world.  I was then burned out.  And its all I have to offer you now, point the way back to Eden.   You have a need for the excitement of travel, of discovery, changing scenes helps the senses. Its like today, have not made a penny selling my product but the ride on my motorcycle though beautiful scenary assuages my soul.  So did receiving your letter.  The best we can do is advice each other the best we can as we are all caught in the wheel of life, karma.  It keeps us coming back again and again, only through divine grace is there escape.  Guru Kirpal SIng wrote an important text called THE WHEEL OF LIFE.  I heard its available free in internet. Keep in touch, our destinies may improve as we plant better seeds that then form our future destiny, our minds need be alert for any opportunity of value life gives us least they go by.   There is another vary valuable little book, its called  IN TUNE WITH THE INFINITE if you can get your hands on it. In recharging, a lot of that comes from within, getting back in touch with our higher self. Thanks for writing, Franklin 
From: rightprotect@hotmail.comTo: botanicogruber@hotmail.comSubject: RE: Self Love, not egoism, can cure depression.Date: Fri, 14 May 2010 22:17:47 -0500Hi Franklin,     Sorry for the lapse in writing.  I haven't found motivation to do anything lately.  Life is still at a standstill for me.  I feel like I've wasted seven years.  I'm not sure what to blame, my head injuries, marijuana, I don't know.  I could have been studying something and learning something, anything.  I don't feel smart at all.  I'm 32 and still at my mother's doing nothing all day but being depressed and feeling sorry for myself and my pathetic situation.  Sure, you might have felt similar when you were a teenager, but I'm not a teenager anymore.  Life really sucks.   Hope things are going well for you, - Victor Antonio  
From: botanicogruber@hotmail.comTo: rightprotect@hotmail.comSubject: RE: Self Love, not egoism, can cure depression.Date: Tue, 4 May 2010 17:20:28 -0500Hello Victor.  I remember being in a similar situation back when I was a teen ager, no real purpose in life, felt suicidal.  The benefit we both have had is THE LOVE OF A GREAT MOTHER.  Live for Ada for the time being until you can find your bearing in life.  If you go to live with simple people ANTHROPOLOGICAL STYLE you shall discover much about yourself and humanity.  Its no differrent than what you have already been doing only more interesting since there is a lot of meaning in nature and simple people. I am working on building an economic buffer before I send you the ticket to come this way.  That way when you arrive we are not under  much stress but can give you the time and tour you deserve.  Best regards to Ada, Laura and Diana.  Frank 
From: rightprotect@hotmail.comTo: botanicogruber@hotmail.comSubject: RE: Self Love, not egoism, can cure depression.Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2010 02:37:20 -0500Franklin,     I'm doing unremarkable, I suppose.  My situation hasn't changed.  Ada is supposed to be coming back tomorrow.  I told her I would take her grandson to school everyday while she was gone.  I've been having to wake up early at seven in the morning and take him to middle school in her absence.  I've also had to pick him up at five thirty.  I just drive back home and vegetate on the computer and watch free movies on the web.  I've been going to the gym with my nephew also.  Lifting weights and stuff.  Now that I haven't been walking I've gained about twenty pounds.  I weigh around 190 now, as opposed to 160.       That's what my life consists of lately.  Just chauffering him back and forth to and from school.  I hate driving.  I feel very pathetic.  I have absolutely no friends and am bad at conversations.  I have nothing impressive to tell new people I meet.     I do have some paperwork I have to turn in to the social security office regarding my applying for disability, which I think is a waste of time because I doubt I'll be able to convince them I'm too disabled to work.  I also have a foodstamps application to turn in but I'm waiting for Ada to come back so she can help me fill in some money questions.       The real reason I don't want to work is because I don't believe in this sick system everyone has been tricked into participating in.  It's not that I don't want to work, more like I can't think of a job I would enjoy.  It's not like everybody is hiring these days with the unemployment rate and I don't even have the makings of a presentable resume.       I have no interest in being part of this society.  I know I sound like a broken record and I don't want to just complain.  I just have absolutely no belief in myself.  The only thing I was good at was telling my story, but I can't even do that anymore.  This downfall of mine all started with my scabies scare.  I don't itch nearly as bad as I used to and I think it's just allergies nowadays.  This itching totally ruined my life.       Oh, how I wish I could just take off hitchhiking again.  I feel like a total failure.  I had given people so much hope and now I'm not following through on my mission.  The shame is almost unbearable.       I know living at Ada's here is enabling my nothingness.  But I can't blame her for loving me.  All I have to do is keep the house clean and I really don't even have to do that.  I choose to.  It's the least I could do.       Ahh, I don't know what else to say and it's getting late and I should get to sleep.   Sincerely,  - Victor Antoniop.s.  Diana came to visit not too long ago.  She talked to me about my depression and tried to give me advice.  I just felt like she was lecturing me and looking down on me.  She thinks I need a change of environment too.  Laura is doing good too.  She has a new job dealing with breast feeding and she's raising her baby daughter.  She's driving a death trap though and I worry about her driving that car a lot.   
From: botanicogruber@hotmail.comTo: rightprotect@hotmail.comSubject: RE: Self Love, not egoism, can cure depression.Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2010 14:02:24 -0500How you doing Victor, everything OK?  Frank Have you written to your sisters lately, please say hello for me. 
From: rightprotect@hotmail.comTo: botanicogruber@hotmail.comSubject: RE: Self Love, not egoism, can cure depression.Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2010 19:35:54 -0500Franklin,     Sorry it's taken so long for me to reply.  Ada was using the computer all day today.     There you go again getting defensive again.  I said that I wouldn't feel comfortable moving to Panama without a roundtrip ticket in case it didn't suit me.  I never said you had to pay for it.  I was just stating what I felt.  You yourself told me I would just be visiting.       So I'm a bit spooked on thinking something's going to happen in 2012.  I think I have a right to worry.  What makes you think El Valle would be immune from the new world order's advance?  Maybe nothing will happen, but anything is possible.         You keep trying to butter me up with this Lorrie girl, as if that is supposed to lure me to Panama.  I'm sure she's beatiful and great, but I don't feel like I have anything to offer a girl in my current condition.  Relationships take responsibility.  I haven't done anything substantial with my life for so long and am so unsure and confused about so many things.  If this girl is as well-traveled and smart as you say, I would totally feel as if she were out of my league.  Especially with my brain injuries.     As far as me not doing anything on my end.  What exactly do you expect me to do?  With my lack of work history and the current economy, it's not like I can just get a job tomorrow and work for a coupe of weeks.       Maybe I'll try and tackle writing.  Maybe I'd be good at that.  Maybe I could even make some money off of it.  I still don't know anything.Best wishes, - Victor Antonio 
From: botanicogruber@hotmail.comTo: rightprotect@hotmail.comSubject: Self Love, not egoism, can cure depression.Date: Fri, 9 Apr 2010 19:36:05 -0500Victor, your not coming to Panama to work for me but to work part time for yourself if you cannot do it up there.    The rat race is when you are forced to work hard to survive, here if you work intelligently you do not have to work hard, just intelligently...and that you have plenty of.  You, the male part of you, a unique person, one who won the race between millions of sperm cells to make a unique union with the female egg, is now trying to express your uniqueness in this world, no matter how weird it may be doing that in itself is work, hopefully work of value.  In a sense, the competition, is even at a genetic level.  I you give in you get recycled down, at a lower level of vibration and conciousness and have to keep doing it over and over again almost eternally.   In eternity all soul elements that are separated from God return, even though odds in one cycle are millions to one but one by one eventually everyone returns.  Eternity is like an hour glass and you a speck of conciousness. Spoke to Lorrie a couple hours back, she is going to give me her email to send to you...do you want her to write you, brief you on travel in Central and South America?  Or are you just going to go back to the streets of the USA you seem so familiar and wait for the unevitable... Here my mood is a little better. I am like my mother in that being broke or nearly broke puts me in a bad mood.  Starting to recuperate, it will take several months. You have not uttered a word...on doing something for yourself at that end...just working a couple of weeks, that little sacrafice is that TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HANDLE.  Are you brainwashed into the WORLD OWES YOU A LIVING PHILOSOPHY?  Or is it your pride that will not let you work a little, the minimum to make it over a hump?  If it bothers you that your mother might find out that you are working in some humble task, you can go out for a couple of weeks without her knowing.  Love thyself means doing all you can for your well being without hurting or burdening others.  Here I don´t need or you to work for me Victor, do it for yourself.  Once we meet in person we might strike it out well, who knows and both our lives might change for the better.  The door here is open, the opportunity we both deserve awaits us to improve our relationship and learn from each other.  I am though not guaranteeing anything, as I said, I will treat you exactly as you treat me.  If you treat me with friendliness and respect you shall receive the same from me.   Everything you receive from me, other than food and a roof, will depend on my seeing some initiative in improving your own life.   What has kept my head afloat in life when people did not love me is that I did and that is a commandment from God.  I am sure you will succeed eventually as we males in the Gruber family are late bloomers, it takes us more time but when we do succeed we do it in a spectacular way...so keep your head above the turbulant waters of life!   Frank 
From: rightprotect@hotmail.comTo: botanicogruber@hotmail.comSubject: RE: PASSPORTDate: Wed, 7 Apr 2010 13:00:43 -0500Franklin,     I'm not so sure I want to come to Panama and work for you until I have the means to get a round trip ticket.  It somehwhat seems like it would be going from bad to worse.  I would still be in the rat race in Panama, still working for money.  Not to mention, I wouldn't have anybody's full support.  I don't want to have to worry about ruining your reputation.            I am not all here mentally.  Maybe I am and everybody else has been brainwashed with money and enslaved.  Maybe I should just take off hitchhiking again and hope something good happens to me.  If something bad happens to me, oh well.  I should try and enjoy these remaining two years.  Sorry, I'm a bit confused.  I still don't know who would hire me here with so many years of not working.  I don't fit anywhere in society anymore.  I'm back to wishing I was dead. - Victor Antonio 
From: botanicogruber@hotmail.comTo: rightprotect@hotmail.comSubject: PASSPORTDate: Tue, 6 Apr 2010 13:00:07 -0500Hello Victor, OK, I see your point, some how I recalled it would take you 60 to 90 days and could be expetited sooner, going back to your letter I see it was 4 to 6 weeks and could be expetited, my mistake.  Thanks for handling this misunderstanding respectfully!   The summer sun affects my mind in weird ways some times.  April is predicted here to be the hottest, so good for you you will be meeting me when its already getting cooler in May or June.    The important thing is that we be loving and caring enough to forgive each others mistakes and move on to the more positive creative aspects of life.   When no one cared about me my father and mother did....that is the beauti of true kinship.The tourist season begins to wind down here and sales of my products are slower.  Once I reestablish the minimum we need here to keep the business alive, which means withstanding three bad sales months, as my sales work in cycles, will tell you how much have accumulated towards your plane ticket.  Investigate at your end whether the Panamanian government will allow you to fly to Panama with a one way ticket, who ever would sell you there the ticket would know.  Working on getting you here.  FrankYou have not answered me whether you are willing to work a little up there in anything available to help pay for your ticket.   The going wage there should be above 5 dollars an hour, working 10 hours a day is 50 dollars, quite good while you have a roof and food over your head, in 10 days you could have 500 dollars at your end.   If you want to expedite your trip here, why not do it for the next 30 days....there is always work other people do not want.   So long as its not too hard on your body or mind, take it, the reward is starting a new life sooner.  Even if its only 4 hours a day....grap what comes up!Best regards to your mother and sisters.  Franklin
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