Jokes2

 249.  When I was younger, my mom would give me $2 to go to the grocery store and I would bring a dozen eggs, bag of candy, gallon of milk, a box of tea and potato chips.

Can't do that now though with surveillance cameras.

250.  Brain? Encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? Protected by a thick bony cage.  Balls? Just hanging there, waiting to be smashed.

251.  I got one of those roof boxes for the car.  It's great, I can barely hear my kids now.

252.  DNA - National Dyslexia Association

253.  Billy Graham was my childhood hero.

Boy could that guy make crackers!

254.  What rock group has four men who don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore.

255.  Those "free hugs" people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

256.  I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong.  I mean, it's not rocket surgery.

257.  According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues.

258.  I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

259.  I once knew this girl who was so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party and woke up later with more clothes on.

260.  An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"

"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.

The mouse replies, "You ain't shitting me, are you?

261.  What do you call a man with horse shit up to his arm pit?

An Amish mechanic.

262.  Drinking at home instead of the bar isn't working out. Last night, I almost asked my wife for her phone number.

263.  Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

264.  My date last night was really awesome. We had a definite spark and pretty soon he was basically lying at my feet. I love my new taser.

265.  Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.

266.  What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious, duh.

267.  Sperm bank motto:

You squeeze 'em-we freeze 'em. Thanks for coming.

268.  Advertising slogan for an eyeglass company:

Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.

269.  My daughter reminded me that being older doesn't mean I'm always right. Sometimes, I've just been wrong for longer.

270.  Top 3 invisible things:

1)

2)

3)

271.  He: I'm a sadist

       She: I'm a masochist

       She: "Let's go to my place, I enjoy a spanking. How about it?" 

         He: "NO. Hahahahaha"

272.  The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

273.  If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.

274.  At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

275.  My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

276.  As an optimist, I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

277.  When I graduated from second grade I was so excited I cut myself shaving.

278.  You'll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

279.  My doctor told me "No heavy lifting."  Looks like I'll be sitting down to pee for a while.

280.  I have CDO.  It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order.

Like they're supposed to be.

281.  As I looked at my naked body in the mirror I thought to myself...

"I'm going to get thrown out of this IKEA any minute!"

282.  My blonde nineteen year old next door neighbor just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line?

I nearly shit her pants.

283.  My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size.  To cheer her up when she gets home from work I got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

284.  There once was a man from Peru 

Whose limericks stopped at line two.

285.  I met my girlfriend in an African language class.  

We just clicked.

286.  I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

287.  My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills.

I almost responded.

288.  My wife told me I need to quit playing Wonderwall on guitar.

I said maybe...

289.   How do they make BenGay ? 

Squeeze his little tube

290.  I love sleeping. It's like being dead without the commitment.

291.  My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" 

I said: "No, it doesn't."

292.  Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them. 

293.  I hate peer pressure and you should too.

294.  One piece of toast to another while having sex: 

"I'm going to crumb !" "I'm going to crumb !

295.  I remember the last thing my Grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

296.  I have something that's 12 inches long.  But I don't use it, as a rule.

297.  Opening a restaurant called 'Peace and Quiet,' where kids meals cost $150.

298.  Nice try Jehovah's witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn't going to get me to come to the door.

299.  I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

300.  The guy in charge of naming the bagpipes definitely just took one look at it and gave up.

301.  The best part about taking a good dump in the morning with the door open, is seeing everyone's face there at Starbucks.

302.  I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.

303.  I wanna get rid of this memory foam mattress, but it knows too much.

304.  As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked ”Are you going to put that up yourself?”

No you sicko, I'm putting it up in the living room.

305.  I'd call you a cunt, but you clearly lack the depth and warmth.

306.  Sometimes I go days without even thinking about the Alamo.

307.  What invention allows you to see through walls?

Windows.

308.  When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

309.  Trump's suicide attempt failed last night.  Fake noose.

310.  Why is suicide illegal in China?   It's considered destruction of state property

311.  My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the parking lot."

312.  If red wine is the blood of Christ there's no way way I'm drinking the white wine.

313.  I'm so stressed, I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called? 

Oh yeah, heroin.

314.       Me: Welcome to my man cave.

Proctologist: Please stop calling it that.

315.  I'm getting so old that dating women half my age is no longer illegal.

316.  Because my wife Lorain left me I was depressed and did some traveling. I stopped at a hippie/nudist camp and met a beautiful young lady with flowers in her hair who called herself Clearly. We hit it off pretty well, so I guess,

I can see Clearly now

Lorain is gone

 

317.  Sometimes at work, I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

318.  For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes.

319.  Facetious.  Because I like to use all the vowels, in order.

320.  I'm gonna stop procrastinating, some day.

321.  What do fat people like most about the internet?

The cookies.

322.   After my son's soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to a party. 

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

323.  I like older women because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

324.  90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

325.  I always take life with a grain of salt.  And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

326.  I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.

327.  Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

328.  Him: Where'd you get that black eye?

           Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.      

          Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

            Me: I did too.

329.  Doctor: [handing me my newborn baby]

“I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.”

Me: [handing baby back to him] “Then bring me the one my wife made.”

330.  What do you call a constipated detective?

No-shit Sherlock

331.  I was brought up by a pack of wild hyenas.  Times were hard, food was scarce, but we still had some great laughs

332.  As I watched my dog chasing his tail I thought "Gee, dogs sure are easily amused", then I realized I was watching a dog chase it's tail.

333.  Where do women mostly have curly hair?

In Africa.

334.  My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

335.  People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

336.  Steven Spielberg just announced he won't be doing any more shark movies. That's a real jaw dropper

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

337.  Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

338.  There's a term for Donald Trump.

Yup, just the one.

339.  You can't spell patriot without riot!

340.  Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service.

They will now be known as Knockers.

341. Millenials

Walking around like they rent the place

342.  Hollywood is taking climate change so seriously.  Vin Diesel just changed his name to Vin Solar.

343.  A pun, a limerick and a riddle walk into a bar.  No joke.

344.  Sad news, Caitlyn Jenner, died today after her long battle with testicular cancer.

345.  Bought a head of lettuce from a small corner Mama & Papas store but I didn't eat it cause all the leaves were brown.

346.  My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class.

I slid 20 dollars across the table and said, “What about now…?”

347.  I went to a deli and said, “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”  The kid behind the counter said, “Sorry, we only take cash or credit cards.”

348.  I said to my therapist, “I’m getting a gun because of my fear of birds.”  She replied, “I think you, might be getting carried away.”

I shouted, “Not without a fight, I’m not!”

349.  I'm not ashamed of who I am.  That's my parent's job.

350.  Male orgasms are similar to sneezing.  You need a tissue afterwards and you shouldn't do it in a stranger's face.

351.  Jesus went to a palm reader.  She told him his story was full of holes.

352.  It's been a tough year to be a woman named Karen.

353.  My pet mouse Elvis died today..

He was caught in a trap.

354.  What did the grammatically correct yodeler say?

Yodelay hee WHOM

355.   My last girlfriend was a model. Couldn’t find a real one.

356.  Me and my receding hairline? We go way back.

357.  I suddenly realized that I've never had an epiphany.

358.  Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?

Pretty nuts!

359.  To whoever stole my highlighter.

I will find you. Mark my words!

360.  It's bad luck to be superstitious.

361.  The first 40 years of my childhood were the hardest.

362.  I ain’t the brightest book in the shed. 

363.  Why did the chicken attend the séance?

To get to the other side.

364.  The ancient king ordered the astrophysicist to give a name for the 24 hour revolution period of the earth. The astrophysicist thought over, thought over and thought over for a long time but couldn't find a suitable name. Eventually he called it a day.

365.  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

366.  Without geometry, life is pointless

367.  How do make holy water? 

Boil the hell out of it.

368.  Me:"I tried to commit suicide yesterday."

Blonde: "Did it work?"

369.  Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

370.  What did one butt cheek say to the other? 

Together, we can stop this shit.

371.  Dwarf panhandler homemade sign:

No job. Too small

372.  I WILL NOT REST until I discover a cure for insomnia.

373.  I swallowed some Scrabble tiles by accident. My next crap could spell trouble.

374.  If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

375.  I'd like to start with chimney jokes. I have a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

376.  I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift. She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

377.  I went into a store to buy some insecticide. I asked the shopkeeper, "Is this any good for flies?" He said, "Not really, it kills them."

378.  People who say they're constipated are full of shit.

379.  Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

380.  Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

381.  I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

382.  Two spiders got engaged.  I heard they met on the web .

383.  Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

384.  Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage?

It was wrong on so many levels.

385.  When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children like the bottle says

386.  My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

387.  Have you heard about the movie "Constipation?

It hasn't come out yet.

388.  I'm emotionally constipated.  

I haven’t given a crap in days. 

389.  My instructor told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime.  

It must have been something I said.

390.  I sold my vacuum the other day.  

All it was doing was collecting dust! 

391.  What did the hammer say after his job interview?

Nailed it!

392.  I sell pies from my car.  $2 for apple pie.  $3 for pumpkin pie.

These are the pie rates of the car I be in.

393.  I recently bought a toilet brush.  To make a long story short, I'm going back to using toilet paper.

394.  Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth. 

395.  Damn girl are you a smoke detector?  Because you are super annoying and won’t shut up.

396.  Your proctologist called, they found your head.

397.  So I was going as Adam from Adam and Eve for a costume party. I went to a costume shop and asked the lady working there for a leaf to wear, so the lady brought out a leaf and I said, "bigger", so the lady brought out another leaf and I said "bigger" again, this went on a few more times and the lady finally came out and said, "Why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gas pump?"

398.  An engineer comes riding up to his engineer friend on a bicycle. The friend asks, "Where did you get the bicycle?" to which the first engineer replies, "I was walking and a woman rides up, jumps off her bike, rips off her clothes and throws them on the ground and says, take what you want." The second engineer says, "Good thinking, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

399.  There once was a man from Peru

          Who's limerick stops at line two.

400.  A middle school boy comes home crying.  His dad asks him,"What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied.  The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face."  

The boy then stated, "But, he's so cute!"