DEAD BABY JOKES
1. Does anyone know where I can register to become a sex offender?
2. I named a horse My Face and entered him into a race just to hear people scream, "Come on my face!"
3. I once threw a surprise bukkake party for my wife.
Everyone came.
You should have seen her face.
4. I gave my wife an orgasm. She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
5. I thought my wife would be happy that I had "I love you" tattooed on my penis. Now she says, "Stop putting words in my mouth."
6. My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!" Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.
7. I told the wife I was so stressed, that only a blow job would help. She asked me where I thought I was going to find a dick to suck this time of the day.
8. What’s it called when a flower gives head?
Floral
9. To all you mother fuckers, happy fathers day.
10. Ever have sex while camping? It's fucking in tents.
11. Planned Parenthood having weekend BBQ.
Third trimester baby back ribs.
12. A rental car ran over my foot today. Fucking Hertz!
13. My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
14. What did Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common?
They both had a 10 year old crack addiction.
15. Did you hear about the new lesbian tennis shoe called Dike?
It has an extra long tongue, and it only takes one finger to get it off.
16. When my Hindu girlfriend told me she wanted me to give her a facial, I nearly came on the spot.
17. What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
I've never had a lentil on my chest.
18. What does a leper say after having sex with a prostitute?
“Keep the tip.”
19. I tried to start a support group for people with sexual dysfunction... Nobody came.
20. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
21. I was sexually active at 12. But now it’s 12:15 and my arm is killing me.
22. What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?
Rhesus pieces.
23. There once was a man from Nantucket.
You all know the rest so fuck it.
24. I can't believe my girlfriend stole a massive dildo from a sex shop without me noticing!
I didn't know she had it in her.
25. What's the difference between a hobo and a homo? A hobo has no friends, but a homo has friends up the ass.
26. Two condoms are walking down the street. They stop outside a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, “You wanna go in and get shit-faced?”
27. What type of bird gives the best head?
A swallow.
28. The other day I suggested that my uptight girlfriend should try masturbating with fruit. She went fucking bananas.
29. My mother-in-law is coming this weekend.
If I can find that G-spot.
30. What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
I can't peanut butter my dick into your ass.
31. Dating women is like squaring numbers. If they’re under 15, just do them in your head.
32. I beat my wife at Domino's the other night. I was going to wait until we got home, but the bitch dropped the pizza.
33. My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation
I’m always trying to pull a fast one.
34. I couldn’t get my wife to spit or swallow, but last night with the help of a straw she was able to succumb.
35. I came into a large sum of money recently. Which is weird, because I normally just use paper towels.
36. What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming.
37. I had sex with a smoking hot chick last night. Got to the scene before the fire department.
38. Remember, you can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(I think the wordplay here is genius: adverTI semen TS. I'd like to shake the author's hand, after he washes it.)
39. The other day I went to a paraplegic strip club. The place was crawling with pussy.
40. What do whores do on their days off? Spend their fucking money
41. If you poop your pants, it's not just a shitty situation. It's a fecal matter.
42 I put the semen in amusement.
43. What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christoper Walken
44. I didn't know what to wear to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting, so I just came in my pants.
45. I knew a girl in college who would sleep with guys for free Adderall. She was a real attention whore.
46. I was nervous no one would come to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting. Luckily, everyone came earlier than expected!
47. Name the operation that turns a woman into man. Addadictomy.
48. I dated a female dentist once. She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.
49. My friend told me if I put the end of my penis in ice water, my balls would stop itching. Cool tip !
50. I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop and nobody came.
51. I always have a box of tissues near my computer. I cum prepared.
52. New sperm bank opened up in town. Its called "Get a load of this guy."
53. Guess all those years of phone sex have finally caught up with me, now I have hearing aids.
54. Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes? They always punch up the fuckline.
55. I'm in a band called Dyslexia. We've just released our greatest shit album!
56. Is your name Jingle Bells? Because you look like you go all the way.
57. How does herpes leave the hospital? On crotches.
58. What do you call a boner you get during a funeral?
Mourning wood.
59. What infection can you get from having nasal sex? Sniffilis
60. Our neighbor mated a bulldog with a shih tzu. I know what you're thinking, that's bullshit.
61. I just sprayed Febreeze in my bathroom. Now it smells like shitrus.
62. The men's room is where all the dicks hang out.
63. What do you call a vegan lesbian? A vagitarian.
64. Our town organized a competition to find out who is the best contortionist.
My friend entered himself and won.
65. There’s no home cooking in lesbian households...
Only eating out
66. What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
67. The best part of being a pathological liar is having an 11-inch cock.
58. I went on a roller coaster and the woman next to me couldn't stop screaming. Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.
59. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
60. Has anyone ever said to Karen Carpenter, would it kill you not to eat so much?
61. Had sexual harassment training today.
Wasn't bad at all.
The instructor had huge tits.
62. I caught my girlfriend cheating on me with our Dad.
63. My favorite position is the JFK.
That's where I splatter all over her and she screams and tries to get out of the car.
64. Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"
Candidate: "Honesty."
Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Candidate: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
65. Why is it so hard for women to go pee in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
66. What's better that winning the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded
67. Most sex jokes go too far. I mean, cum on people!!
68. Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men? He thought they were a delivery service.
69. Say "I won a math debate" really fast.
70. For my next trick, I need a condom, and a volunteer.
71. Titties are like the sun. You can only stare at them a few seconds.
Unless you put sunglasses on.
72. If someone hates you for no reason give that motherfucker a reason.
73. What’s the difference between a white gerbil and a brown gerbil?
The white one got away.
74. How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream, one dead baby.
75. What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common?
You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit
76. How do you know that you have a high sperm count?
She has to chew before she swallows.
77. Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks.
Lay thine eyes upon it and thou shalt see that it is barren.
78. What's the difference between a bag of coke and a baby?
Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window
79. What's the best thing about having a penis? Sharing it with people who don't have one!
80. It really annoys me when people put swear words at the end of their joke just to make it funny.
Fucking idiots.
81. My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there.
Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.
82. What’s 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P?
A really good shit.
83. My wife came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?" I said "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
84. Last year I caused over 1000 ejaculations. Singlehandedly.
85. My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I put her in the back seat of a Mercedes and drove into a wall.
86. Don't you hate it when your cleaning out your freezer and find people you don't even recognize?
87. What's long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.
88. Studies show that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.
89. I have to admit that kids are a great gift, but I still prefer to play with the box they came in.
90. Scientists are now using welfare mothers for experiments, not mice. This is because welfare mothers multiply faster and you don't get attached to them.
91. What do pussy and cigarettes have in common?
The flavor changes when you get closer to the butt.
92. How many necrophiliacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
93. How much jizz can Monica Lewinsky hold in her mouth?
1 US leader
94. The ladies scream when I tell them I've got a 12 inch horse cock...
They run away when I take it out of the freezer.
95. I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean
Nobody told me you're supposed to eat it.
96. Honey, why are the broken condoms on the couch?
Please call our kids by their real names, dear.
97. As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.
"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet.
98. Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate, motherfucker.
99. "Excuse me," I said to the woman sitting in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."
100. I went to the sperm bank but no one was there. I think I came too early.
101. How is a toddler like a cell phone? If you can't find it in three days, it's probably dead.
102. I called that Rape Advice Line. Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.
103. I received my new ejaculating dildo in the mail. It came in a box...
104. You know that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? It's for dickheads.
105. I wrote a joke about a clitoris but forgot it. Damn, it's on the tip of my tongue.
106. I had a fight with an erection today.
I beat it single-handedly
107. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?
A beaver dam.
108. I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me now.
But nooooooo, the bitch is still alive.
109. Aldi sells their own brand of nuts.
Be sure to try out Aldi's nuts.
110. Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital.
Just kidding, they get shot,
111. Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast.
112. Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
113. Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up. I’m not fucking lying.
114. Why is American beer like making love in a canoe? It's fucking close to water.
115. Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
116. Bill Cosby likes pudding.
Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong.
117. My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
118. My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension..
She said she just can't take it any longer.
119. What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF File.
120. I use moisturizer daily, especially when I'm Jergen off.
121. I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life, then turned around and the toilet was empty.
Needless to say, I completely lost my shit.
122. Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?
Ass skin for a friend.
123. What is the speed of a lesbian?
Lickity Split.
124. What does it mean when two lesbians make love?
It doesn’t mean dick.
125. I overdosed on Viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life.
126. What's better than a cold Bud? A warm Busch.
127. My premature ejaculators meetings were going so well, I decided to stop coming.
128. What do the Mafia and vaginas have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
129. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
130. Condoms? Ha! Those are for pussies.
131. I teach mentally challenged children. They're all a different races, creeds and colors. Or as I like to call them, 'mixed vegetables'.
132. I had to close my brothel. The customers just stopped coming.
133. I never hold my farts in. Only assholes do that.
134. My doc told me I was getting a little chubby. I’m surprised he noticed it through my jeans.
135. My dick had a hard attack. Which led to a stroke..
136. Did you hear about the leper who attempted to beat the world masturbation record?
He pulled it off!
137. If groping your man in the middle of the night doesn't turn him on, maybe doing it in the morning would.
138. Strippers are required to report all money that has jizz on it.
Because it's gross income.
139. My boss touched me inappropriately at work today.
It's okay though, I'm self-employed.
140. My wife said my cursing has gotten out of hand. I'm pretty sure I've got it under cunt roll.
141. Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators. From this, we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new.
142. What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?
When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
143. I just found an origami porn channel, but it's paper view only.
144. Want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia?
Tough shit, I forgot it.
145. What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
146. Rosie O'Donnell is dead. She was found floating face down in Ricki Lake.
147. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.
LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.
148. What do incestous hillbillies do on Halloween
Pump kin.
149. Bill Clinton is no longer playing the saxophone. He is now playing the whore-Monica.
150. The waitress asked if I wanted a fork or spoon with my dessert, I said I only spoon after a good fork.
151. I recently joined a nudist colony. The first few days were the hardest
152. Want to hear a joke about my dick? Nevermind, it’s too long.
153. My friend told me he lost twenty pounds after one visit to the bathroom.
Turned out he was full of shit.
154. Ok, I admit it! I masturbate with soap. That’s me coming clean.
155. Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye. Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit.
156. How many animals can fit in a pair of pantyhose?
A couple calves, an ass, ten little piggies, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find!
157. My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.
158, You can't say happiness without saying penis.
159. Why was the two-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the hairy from the dairy.
160. Is buttcheeks one word? Or should I spread them apart?
161. Why doesn't any man need more than 1 rooster?
A cock a dude'll do.
162. My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
163. Whenever my wife refuses me sex I just take matters into my own hand.
164. Erectile dysfunction is something that needs to be addressed more seriously.
The problem is rising.
165. I have a friend named Richard. All of his selfies are dick picks.
166. Having a charity event for people that struggle to have orgasms.
Let me know if you can’t come.
167. "Did you use windex on your pants? Because I can see myself in them!"
168. My neighbor refuses to believe he's gay and dyslexic. I think he's in Daniel.
169. Abortion clinic motto:
You rape 'em we scrape 'em!
No fetus will beat us!
177. <RatBytes> Two gays guys woke up. One starts getting dressed to go to work. He complains to the other,"I work to pay the rent, and you don't do anything. You should help out."
The one in bed says, "Okay" and starts stroking himself. When he is erect he puts on a condom and starts masturbating. The one about to leave says "That's not helping," and the one lying down says "Hey, I'm packing you a sack lunch."
No comments:
Post a Comment