mammothjokes

The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes(2010)

More than 3,000 off-color jokes, covering every taboo from sex and death to race and disability. This book leaves no stone unturned in its search for the most dubious jokes known to humanity. Twice as funny, twice as outrageous, twice as shocking than anything you've ever heard.

 

AARDVARKS

 

 An aardvark walks into a bar, orders a pint of beer, sits down and starts to read his newspaper. The barman pulls a pint and takes it over to the aardvark, who proffers a £10 note. The barman goes back to the till, returns with a pound coin and duly gives it the aardvark, who doesn’t say a word.

The aardvark eventually downs his beer and calls for another one. The barman says to him, “You know, we don’t get many aardvarks in here.”

The aardvark replies, “At £9 a pint, I’m not fucking surprised.”

What do you call an aardvark that keeps getting his head kicked in?

A vark.

ABORTIONS

 

 Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?

There’s a twelve-month waiting list.

 What two purchased items are most likely to freak out a cashier?

A pregnancy test and a coat hanger.

 Why is the Catholic Church so opposed to abortion?

Because it would mean fewer children to molest.

 What do you call a man at an abortion clinic?

Relieved.

 What’s the difference between a television and a pregnant girlfriend?

If you put a coat hanger inside your pregnant girlfriend you don’t get a very good reception.

 Hear about the back-street abortionist whose business folded?

His ferret died.

What do you call an abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech.

 

 Why can’t you fool an aborted foetus?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday.

 My girlfriend recently had an abortion.

Looking on the bright side, she also won Slimmer of the Week.

 Two women were sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic. One noticed that the other was knitting what appeared to be a little blue romper suit.

The first lady said to the knitter, “Excuse me, but don’t you think it is just a little bit tasteless to be knitting a romper suit when you are about to have an abortion?”

“Not even remotely,” the second lady replied. “It’s a body bag.”

ACCIDENTS

 

 Two lumberjacks, Mark and his mate Jim, were cutting wood when Jim accidentally sawed his arm off. Mark carefully wrapped the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it and Jim to the nearest hospital. “Your friend is in luck!” the surgeon told Mark. “I’m an expert at reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours.”

When Mark returned four hours later the surgeon said, “I got through the operation much faster than expected. Your friend said to tell you that he has gone to the pub.” Mark found this news quite hard to believe but he went to the pub, and, amazingly, his friend Jim was enjoying a pint and a game of darts.

A few months later, Mark and Jim were sawing wood again when the accident-prone Jim cut his leg off. Mark placed the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Legs are a little more complicated – come back in six hours.” Mark returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – your mate said to tell you he has gone to the park to play football.” Mark went to the local playing fields and, sure enough, there was Jim, kicking a ball about.

A few months later the hapless Jim had yet another freak sawing accident and was decapitated. Mark put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Heads are extremely difficult. Come back in twelve hours.” So Mark returned in twelve hours, but was shocked when the surgeon told him, “I’m sorry, your friend died.”

“I don’t understand, you said heads were just difficult.”

The surgeon replied, “No, the surgery went well. I’m afraid your friend suffocated in that plastic bag.”

 Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself. A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out. After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews.

The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn’t help but notice, but you don’t appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.

The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

She replied: “Well, you have no ears.”

Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.

The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together.

Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvious really. You can’t wear glasses if you haven’t got any fucking ears!”

A man calls his wife from Accident and Emergency. He tells her that he lost his finger in a building site accident. “Oh my God!” cries the wife, “The whole finger?”

“No,” replies her husband. “The one next to it.”

 One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of trying they decided to go to the hospital.

As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”

The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy. While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”

“I should think so,” the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”

“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”

The man holds his hand at shoulder level: “This big?”

“Not a cat in hell’s chance.”

The man knocks back his drink in one. “Bollocks. I just ran over a nun.”

ACNE

 

 When did the teenager realize he had bad acne?

When his dog called him Spot.

 How do you know if you have bad acne?

a. When the blind can read your face.

b. When your pores have stretch marks.

ADAM AND EVE

 

 Adam is talking to God and asks him: “God, why did you make women so beautiful?”

God replies: “So that you would find them attractive.”

Then Adam asks: “Okay. God, but why did you have to make them so stupid?”

God replies: “So that they would find you attractive.”

 God found Adam in the Garden of Eden.

“Where’s Eve?” asked God.

“She started bleeding, God, so she went down by the stream to wash,” replied Adam.

“Oh no!” said God, “We have to stop her!”

“Why?” said Adam.

“Because I’ll never get the smell out of the fish!”

 Adam and Eve were walking through the Garden of Eden one day when God spoke to them. “All right, kids,” said God, “I have a couple of items left here in my goody bag. Who wants the ability to urinate standing up?”

Eve immediately replied, “Please, God, Me! Me! Me!”

So God in his infinite wisdom granted her the ability to pee while standing. But Eve saw that Adam’s face was a picture of utter despair because he too badly wanted the ability to pee while standing. So Eve was generous and said to God, “He may have it if he wants it so much.”

So, God gave the ability to Adam instead, and he was so happy that he immediately ran behind a bush and urinated standing up.

When he came back, Eve looked at God and said, “Well, do you have anything left for me?” God looked back in the bag. Looking back at Eve he said, “Sorry love, all I have left is multiple orgasms.”

Why did God create Eve?

To iron Adam’s leaf.

 God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?”

Adam says, “Tell me the good news first.”

God says, “I’m going to give you a penis and a brain. From these two gifts you will derive great pleasure and great intellect.”

“Wow, God,” Adam replies, “that’s great. But what’s the bad news?”

God says, “I’m only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a time.”

 Why did God create Adam first?

Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

 One day God decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St Peter and told him of his decision. He explained to St Peter that he was going to make a human being who was similar to man, yet was different and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. God said he would call this new creation “woman”. So God went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When he had finished creating this being that would now be called woman he summoned St Peter.

“Oh Lord, once again you have done a cracking job,” said St Peter when he saw the woman.

“Thank you, you are very kind,” replied God, looking pleased with himself. “I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter, St Peter. I am thinking of making her brain slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate and more adaptable than man’s.”

“Good idea again, Lord,” said St Peter.

“What about nerve endings? How many should I put in her hands?”

“How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.

“Two hundred,” replied God.

“Then do the same for this woman,” said St Peter.

“And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?”

“How many did we put in Adam?”

“Seventy-five,” replied God. “These beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having fewer nerve endings there, so I think I will do the same for woman.”

“Nice one,” said St Peter.

“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals?”

How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.

“Four hundred and twenty,” replied God. “Of course, I wanted Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t I? Do you think I should do the same for woman?”

“Again, good idea, Oh Lord,” said St Peter.

“No, wait.” said God. “Fuck it. Let’s give her ten thousand. I want her to scream out my name.”

How do you know Adam and Eve weren’t black?

Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man?

ADVERTISEMENTS

 

 A woman places an ad in the local newspaper: “Looking for man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me and is great in bed.”

Two days later her doorbell rings.

“Hi,” her visitor announces. “I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

“What makes you think you are great in bed?”

“I rang the door bell, didn’t I?”

 A man is browsing the small ads in his local paper looking for a pet when he comes across an advert: “Intelligent, adorable golden Labrador – free to a good home.” He calls the number and arranges to see the dog. When he arrives at the house a man lets him in. The man asks the owner “Does the dog have a pedigree?”

The owner replies: “Why don’t you ask him yourself. He’s in the kitchen.”

The man goes into the kitchen and sure enough there is the dog, a very handsome golden Labrador. Feeling a bit silly, he goes along with it and says to the dog: “Do have a pedigree?”

To his amazement, the dog replies. “Yes I have a pedigree. I’m Kennel Club registered and both my mother and father have won best of breed at Crufts.” The dog continues, “I used to work for Customs and Excise at Heathrow Airport and I’ve been in several films and TV ads.”

His mouth agape, the man turns to the owner. “What an incredible dog. He talks and he’s been a top sniffer dog. I just don’t understand it. Why do you want to give him away?”

“Because”, the owner replies, “I’m sick of his fucking lies.”

 An Australian woman takes out a personal advert to find herself a man who has never slept with a woman before. She finally gets a reply from a man who has spent his entire life in the outback. They meet and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they get married. On the wedding night, she walks into their bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked and all the furniture from the room piled into one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I have never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m going to need all the room I can get.”

What Women’s Personal ads Really Mean

Adventurous: has slept with all your mates

Athletic: flat chested

Average looking: has a face like an arse

Beautiful: pathological liar

Contagious smile: does a lot of prescription drugs

Educated: had the arse shagged off her by everybody at university

Emotionally secure: on medication

Feminist: obese

40-ish: 49

Free spirit: heroin addict

Friendship first: former slut

Fun: irritating

Gentle: boring

Good listener: autistic

Large lady: morbidly obese

Looking for soul mate: stalker

New Age: excessive body hair

Old-fashioned: no blow jobs or anal

Open-minded: desperate

Outgoing: loud and embarrassing

Passionate: sloppy drunk

Poetic: depressive

Professional: bitch

Romantic: frigid

Sociable: fanny like a yawning donkey

Voluptuous: super-morbidly obese

Widow: murderer

 

 An old man whose wife had recently passed away decided to place an obituary in the local paper. He went to see the editor and was told it would cost £1 a word. After turning out the contents of his pocket, the old man found £3 in loose change. He wrote: “Doris Smith Dead”.

Seeing this, the editor felt so sorry for him he said; “For £3 you can have seven words.”

The old man thanked him and thought for a while. Then he wrote: “Doris Smith Dead. Ford Focus for Sale”.

ADVICE

 

My dad always told me that you should live each day as if it is your last. That’s why he spent the last fifteen years in an intensive care unit with an oxygen mask and a tube up his arse.

“My dad used to say, “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Until his accident.”

AFTERLIFE

 

 A couple made a pact that whoever died first would come back and tell their partner if there was an afterlife. The husband was the first to go and, true to his word, he made contact with his wife one night when she was lying in bed.

“Sarah, Sarah . . .”

“Is that you, Ted?”

“Yes, I’ve come back just as we agreed.”

“What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, go off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After that it’s supper and the golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”

“Oh, Ted! You surely must be in Heaven.”

“Not exactly, I’m a rabbit in Essex.”

 Two old Yorkshiremen, Ted and Frank, have been mates for as long as either can remember. They are now both in their nineties and throughout their friendship they have shared a love of cricket, both as players in their youth and now as devoted spectators. One day while they are sitting at Headingley watching a county game, Ted turns to Frank and says, “You know Frank, me and thee have been friends for more than eighty years and we’ve enjoyed our cricket all that time.”

“Aye,” replies Frank.

“Well,” Ted continues, “we’ve both had a decent innings and are now getting towards the point where we’ve got to carry our bat for the last dignified walk back to the pavilion.”

“Aye,” replies Frank.

“Do you think they have cricket in Heaven?” asks Ted.

Frank says: “I don’t know, lad. But if one of us takes the walk to the pavilion before the other, let’s promise that if it’s at all possible, we will come back and let the other know.”

“Sounds good to me,” says Frank.

A couple of months later Ted gets ill and unfortunately a few days later takes the long walk back to the pavilion. About a week after Ted dies, Frank is asleep in bed and is woken by a voice he recognizes as his old deceased mate.

Franks says: “Ted, is it thee?”

“Aye,” says Ted. “We agreed that the first one would come back and let the other know if there was cricket in Heaven.”

Frank answers, “Aye.”

“Well,” says Ted, “there is some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?”

Frank considers his options for a moment. “I’ll have the good news first, please.”

So Ted starts with the good news. “There is test match cricket in Heaven and the weather is always a warm summer afternoon. All of our old friends are here and you have the strength and vitality of your youth so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried. And Frank, the afternoon teas are to die for.”

“That’s great,” says Frank, “but, what’s the bad news then?”

Ted replies: “You’re opening the batting for us next Monday.”

 Charlie came home drunk one night, collapsed into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. When he awoke he was standing in front of the Pearly Gates where St Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Charlie.”

Charlie was shocked. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.”

Charlie was devastated but begged St Peter to send him to a farm somewhere near his home. The next thing he knew he was in a farmyard, covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A cock strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s it going?”

“Not bad,” replied Charlie, “but I have this odd feeling inside. Like I’m going to explode!”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the cock. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”

“Never,” said Charlie.

“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the cock. “It’s no big deal.”

Charlie did as the cock said and a few very uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg.

Charlie was overwhelmed as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He soon laid another egg, and then another. His joy was overwhelming.

Just he was about to lay his fourth egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “For fuck’s sake, Charlie! Wake up you drunken bastard. You’ve shat the bed!”

AGONY AUNTS

 

Dear Marge,

I’m writing to tell you my problem. For the past twenty years I have been married to a sex maniac. My husband won’t leave me alone. He fucks me regardless of what I am doing: cooking, ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even doing anything that askjsh l;sasp wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{*&^^ .lp sld mpskdli dlks; “+**

If Men Were Agony Aunts . . .

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do as he says. Semen can help you lose weight and makes your skin glow. Most men know this and his offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless and shows he loves you. Even better, thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must play with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to film yourself while doing this and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband stays out late most evenings with his friends.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The male is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Nothing will rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house, too)! See how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you forgot to cook him a nice meal?

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Clearly, your husband can’t get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing – your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college friends involved as well? If you are still not sure about this maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not quite sure, then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no strings attached. Requests for foreplay only indicate that you do not care for your man as much as you should. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

 

 Dear Marge,

I am a sailor in the Australian Navy. My parents live in the suburbs of Melbourne, and one of my sisters, who lives in Dandenong, is married to a guy from Salford, England. My mum and dad are awaiting trial for the sale of Class A drugs and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Canberra. I also have two brothers: one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 2004, the other is currently being held on remand on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is currently a part-time working girl in a Melbourne brothel. Unfortunately her time there is limited, as she has recently been infected with HIV AIDS. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée using her knowledge of the industry working as the brothel madam. We are hoping my two sisters will be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Manchester United fan?

AGORAPHOBIA

 

 There’s always light at the end of the tunnel.

Unless you’re agoraphobic.

 My friend is an agoraphobic homosexual. He’s been trying to come out of the closet for thirty years.

AIDS

 

 What’s the difference between AIDS and cancer?

When you have cancer you still get visitors.

 I read once that you can get AIDS from a mosquito. If you ask me, anyone sick enough to have sex with a mosquito deserves to get AIDS.

 “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?”

“Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

“They say a problem shared is a problem halved. Not if it’s AIDS.”

 

 A man went to his doctor after a brief but debilitating illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, looked him in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you . . . you have a cancer and it can’t be cured. I give you two weeks to a month.” The man was shocked and saddened by the news, but being a man of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office to meet his son, who was waiting for him outside.

“Son,” he said, “as Rudyard Kipling once said, if you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same – you’ll be a man. It turns out that I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. But we’re going to celebrate my life. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

His son was shocked at first, but after three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. They had a laugh, shed a few tears and drank some more beers. After a while, they were eventually approached by some of the man’s old friends, who asked what the two were celebrating. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave him their condolences and they all had a few more beers.

After his friends left, the man’s son leaned over and whispered in confusion, “Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell your friends that you are dying of AIDS?”

“Well, son,” the father replied, “I don’t want them fucking your mother when I’m gone.”

 A man goes to the doctor’s to get his test results. The doctor tells him: “I’m not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.”

The man is devastated. “Doctor, what can I do?”

“Eat one curried sausage, one head of cabbage, twenty unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten chilli peppers, fifty walnuts, a box of grape nuts cereal, then top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”

The man asks, bewildered, “Will that cure me?”

“Sadly, no,” replies the doctor. “But it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.”

 What do you call a homosexual who doesn’t have AIDS?

A lucky cocksucker.

AIR TRAVEL

 

 A man is sitting in the airport departure lounge when a gorgeous young girl in a stewardess uniform parks herself next to him. She’s so stunning that he tries to overcome his natural shyness and seize the moment with a witty and original chat-up line. He’s struggling for something to say, then it occurs to him that she might work for British Airways. He taps her on the shoulder and, quoting the BA slogan, says to her: “We take good care of you.” The girl just gives him a strange sideways look.

“Shit, I’ve blown it,” he thinks to himself. “Hang on, maybe she is with Air France.” So he says to her: “So, we get you there faster.” This time she glares at him.

“Bugger, wrong again. Maybe she works for American Airlines.” He turns to her again and says, “So, luxury is our middle name in the skies?”

The girl turns to him and says, “Listen, mate, why don’t you just fuck off.”

“Ah, now I get it,” says the man. “You’re with Ryannair.”

 Bob is sitting in the VIP lounge of Virgin Airways when he sees Richard Branson walk past. Bob walks up to him and says: “I don’t believe it! Richard Branson . . . I’m your biggest fan!” Flattered, the billionaire businessman shakes his hand warmly.

“Would you mind if I asked a small favour? I’m meeting an important client in a few minutes,” says Bob. “Could you just pass by and say hello? It would really impress my client if he thought I knew you.”

Being a friendly and approachable sort of guy, Mr Branson agrees to this harmless request and a few minutes later he spots Bob deep in conversation with his client. He walks over, taps Bob on the shoulder, and says, “Hi, Bob. How are you doing?”

Bob turns round and says, “Fuck off, Branson, you cunt, can’t you see I’m busy?”

 One day at a busy airport terminal the passengers on a commercial airliner are sitting on the plane waiting for the crew to arrive so that they can get on their way. Finally the pilot and the co-pilot make their way out of the terminal and begin walking across the tarmac towards the plane. Everyone notices that both pilot and co-pilot are clutching white sticks and wearing dark glasses. Both of them only narrowly avoid being hit by a shuttle bus on the runway. The passengers laugh uneasily at the joke as the “blind” crew pair climb the stairway and feel their way to the cockpit.

After a few minutes, the engines power up and the aircraft begins to move down the runway. Suddenly the plane accelerates rapidly and panic sets in. Some passengers start praying while others get down on the floor. As the plane speeds closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices become more and more hysterical until finally, when the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left to go everyone screams at once and at the very last moment the nose begins to lift and the plane takes off into the sky.

In the cockpit the co-pilot breathes a huge sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: “You know,” he says, “one of these days those fuckers back there aren’t going to scream and we’re all going to get killed.”

 A rock star is on a flight to London, drinking too much and being generally loud and obnoxious. He gets up to use the toilet but finds them all engaged. He grabs hold of a stewardess and says: “If I don’t get to use the toilet in the next two minutes I’m going to sue your ass and the whole of your motherfucking airline!”

The hostess replies “Okay, please calm down, sir. You can use the staff toilet at the front of the plane. But please don’t press any of the three buttons.”

So the rock star agrees, staggers off down the aisle into the staff toilet at the front of the plane and sits down to do his business. He sees three buttons in front of him, marked WW, WA and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly warm water sprays up his bum.

“Mmmm,” he says to himself. “That was good”. So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his bum. “Mmmm. Nice!” So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button. The next thing he knows he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room.

“Nurse! Nurse! Where am I? What happened?”

The nurse replies: “Well, apparently you were on a plane and a stewardess told you not to press any of the buttons, but you pressed the ATR button.”

“What does ATR mean exactly?”

“Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.”

A pilot addresses his passengers but forgets to turn off the intercom. They hear him say to his co-pilot: “I’m going to have a shit, then shag the arse off that new air hostess.”

At this, the air hostess runs up the aisle to warn the pilot that the intercom is still on, but she trips and falls over.

“No need to hurry, love,” says an old lady. “He’s having a shit first.”

 

 A Muslim was sitting next to an Aussie on a flight from Singapore bound for Sydney, Australia. When the plane was airborne, the stewardesses took orders for drinks. The Aussie said: “I’ll have a Scotch on the rocks, please.” The drink was brought and placed before him. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied: “I would rather be raped by a dozen infidel whores and have my head stuffed up a sheep’s arsehole than let alcohol touch my lips.”

The Aussie handed his drink back to the stewardess and said, “Sorry, darling, I didn’t realize there was a choice.”

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist.

 A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”

The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, “And get me another fucking whisky while you’re at it, bitch!” Visibly upset, the shaking stewardess returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man loses his temper and decides to try the parrot’s approach: “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it or I’ll give you a slap!”

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says:

“You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’re a right lippy fucker.”

 As an airplane was about to crash, a female passenger jumped up and frantically announced, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removed all her clothing and shouted: “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A male passenger stood up, removed his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”

ALIENS

 

 Two aliens land in the mid-west of America near an abandoned gas station.

They approach one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens says, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The alien repeats the greeting, to no avail. Annoyed by what he perceives to be the gas pump’s bad manners, he produces his ray gun and says, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader, or I’ll fire!”

The other alien interrupts and urges his comrade, “No, don’t shoot, you don’t want to make him mad!” But before he can finish his warning, the first alien fires. There is a huge explosion and both aliens are blasted 200 metres into the air.

When they finally regain consciousness, the first alien says, “The Earthling is truly a formidable creature – he nearly killed us both! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The other alien replies, “My friend, if there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy, it is that anyone who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear is someone you shouldn’t fuck with.”

AL-QAEDA

 

 Al-Qaeda has hidden some bombs in tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti. Police have warned that if they go off it could spell disaster.

“Al-Qaeda – puting the “mental” back into fundamentalism.”

 

 Al-Qaeda accidentally recruited a dyslexic into their ranks. They now have the world’s first suicide bummer.

ALZHEIMER'S

 

 A man takes his sick wife to the doctor. The doctor examines her and says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS.”

“What do you mean?” the man says. “You can’t tell the difference?”

“Unfortunately not,” replies the doc. “The two conditions look very similar in the early stages.”

“So, what am I supposed to do about it?” asks the man anxiously.

“Tell you what,” says the doctor. “Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don’t fuck her.”

 Knock knock . . .

Who’s there?

Alzheimer’s.

Alzheimer’s who?

Knock knock . . .

The Benefits of alzheimer’s

1 You make new friends every day.

2 You can laugh at all the old jokes.

3 You make new friends every day.

4 You can hide your own Easter eggs.

 

 A stand-up comedian got a gig at the local Alzheimer’s Association annual party. He was very nervous because he hadn’t worked for a while but he need not have worried. They liked his first joke so much that he told it again and again and again. In fact he told it eighty-six times. After the show, an old man went up to him and shook his hand: “You were brilliant,” he said. “I don’t know how you remember them all!”

 I was in the shopping centre this morning when a man approached me, collecting for Alzheimer’s. I told him, “Piss off, I’ve already given, don’t you remember?”

 “It’s bad news, I’m afraid,” the doctor tells his patient. “You have cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

“Thank you, doctor. Oh well, it could be worse. At least I don’t have cancer.”

 Did you hear about the Alzheimer’s protest march?

“What do we want?”

“We don’t know!”

“When do we want it?”

“Want what?”

 The Alzheimer’s Society is doing its bit for Comic Relief. It will be known as Fuck Nose Day.

 My side of the family has a history of Alzheimer’s. Or was it my wife’s side?

 An elderly man walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous much younger woman sitting on her own. He walks over, sits next to her and says: “Do I come here often?”

 The old man suffering from Alzheimer’s who lives just down the road groped my wife this morning. I’m going to go down there later and give him a hiding he will never remember.

How does every Alzheimer’s joke end?

No, sorry, it’s gone.

AMERICA AND AMERICANS

 

 Apparently about 60 per cent of Americans don’t own a passport. It’s not that they don’t want to leave their country they’re just too fat to fit into a photo booth.

 Recent studies have shown that 60 per cent of Americans suffer from obesity.

The other 40 per cent couldn’t care less.

 What do you say to a thin American?

“How’s the chemotherapy going?”

I was driving along when I saw a big fat American standing in the middle of the road. I ran straight over him: I could have gone around him but I wasn’t sure if I had enough petrol.

 

Why is American beer always served very cold?

So you can tell it from piss.

 An American couple are on holiday travelling through Wales. On their way they see a sign for a place called Llanfair-pwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob-wllllantysiliogogogoch and decide to head there for something to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of the town’s name.

They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the girl serving them “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?” The waitress nods.

“Would you please pronounce where we are for us – very slowly?”

The waitress leans over the counter and says, “Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.”

 Americans – chasing the American dream does not count as exercise.

 A man is showing an American tourist around London. When they come to a Pelican crossing, he presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes “bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep . . .”

“What’s that for?” asks the American.

“Oh, that’s just to let the blind know that the lights have changed,” explained the guide.

“My God,” replied the visitor. “In the States we don’t even let them drive.”

Americans. They say tomato; we say, “Please don’t shoot me, I’m on your side.”

AMISH

 

 What goes clip-clop clip-clop bang!?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

 What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s arse?

A mechanic.

 Two Amish women are peeling spuds. One says: “These potatoes remind me of my husband’s balls.”

“Why?” asks the other. “Are they very big?”

“No, because they’re dirty.”

 Did you see the first Amish porn film?

Ninety minutes of bare ankles.

Ten Signs that Your Amish Teenage Son is Going Through a “Difficult” Phase

1 He stays in bed till after 5 a.m.

2 In his sock drawer you find pictures of women without bonnets.

3 He drinks molasses until he throws up.

4 He gets a tattoo that says: “Born to Raise Barns”.

5 His name is Jeremiah, but he goes by “J Daddy”.

6 He defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap!”

7 You come upon his secret stash of colourful Y-fronts.

8 He uses slang expressions like: “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t listening.”

9 He was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese”.

10 He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

 

 An Amish woman is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a traffic cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to give you a ticket right now, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she replies. “I’ll get my husband, Jacob, to take a look at it as soon as I get home.”

“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Please ask your husband to take care of that right away. Have a nice day now, ma’am.”

Later at home the Amish lady explains to her husband about her encounter with the cop.

“Well, what exactly did he say?”

“He said the reflector is broken.”

“I can fix that in a couple of minutes. Anything else?”

“Er . . . I’m not really sure to be honest. Something about the emergency brake?”

 What is every Amish woman’s fantasy?

Two Mennonite.

AMPUTEES

 

 A little girl wakes up from surgery in hospital, having survived stepping on a land mine. She screams: “Doctor, something is wrong . . . I can’t feel my legs!”

“That’s quite normal,” said the doctor, “we’ve had to amputate both your arms.”

 A bus hit my brother and he had both of his legs amputated. Now he’s my half-brother.

 A gang of amputees robbed a bank. The police say they are stumped.

Police have arrested a one-legged man for extortion. They said he was leaning on people.

 

 If you ever saw an amputee being hanged, could you suppress the urge to shout out letters?

ANAL SEX

 

 I joined a fisting club last month. It has really widened the circle of my friends.

 I shagged some bird up the arse last night. The poor thing hasn’t flown since.

I used to go out with an English-language teacher but she dumped me.

She didn’t like my improper use of the colon.

 A man complains to his doctor: “I’ve been banging the wife for so long and so often that she’s rather big and loose. Is there anything you can suggest?”

“Well,” says the doctor, a little awkwardly, “it’s a bit of a taboo subject frankly, but have you thought about taking her up the other hole?”

“What?” the man replies. “And risk getting her pregnant?”

 Ulrika Jonsson has been rushed to hospital after accidentally sitting on her mobile phone. Doctors are not too worried. Apparently it isn’t the first time she’s had an Ericsson up her arse.

My girlfriend likes it doggy style. It’s great because she fetches my paper and slippers afterwards.

 What do a nine-volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong but nevertheless you will end up touching it with your tongue.

ANIMALS

 

 A lion, a tiger and a chicken were sitting around discussing who was the toughest. The tiger said, “I’m the toughest sonofabitch in the animal kingdom. When I roar, all of the animals run and hide.”

The lion said, “No, I’m the hardest motherfucker in the animal kingdom. When I roar, all the animals quake with fear.”

The chicken said quietly, “Sorry guys, but I’m the toughest. When I sneeze, the whole world shits itself.”

 A female tortoise was walking down an alley when she was ambushed and viciously raped by a gang of snails. When the police arrived they asked her if she got a good look at his attackers. The tortoise, with a confused look on her face, replied: “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

 A camel and his son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says: “Dad, why have we got these great big humps on our backs?”

The father camel looks down on the son and says: “Well, son, it is so that we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water.”

The young camel listens intently and says, “Wow, I never knew that!”

A few minutes later, the younger camel says: “Dad, why do we have really thick eyelids?”

The father answers, “To protect our eyes so that our pupils are not scratched by sand storms.”

“Wow!” the young camel says.

A couple of minutes later the younger camel says: “Dad, why have we got such huge feet?”

“Well, son,” the father camel replies, “we have to walk over sand dunes and because our feet are big we can travel much more easily.”

“Wow,” says the son. “Dad, what the fuck are we doing in a zoo, then?”

What’s yellow and smells of bananas?

Monkey sick.

 What’s blue and comes in pints?

A whale.

What’s pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.

 What’s the worst smell in the world?

A kipper’s cunt.

 Why do cows always look so miserable when they are being milked?

Well, if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn’t shag you, wouldn’t you be depressed?

 What did the slug say to the snail?

“Big Issue, mate?”

 What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

 Little Red Riding Hood was skipping through the forest to visit her grandma, when all of a sudden, she bumped into a big bad wolf sitting under a tree with his ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin.

“My, Mr Wolf, what big sticky out ears you have.”

“Yes, my dear,” replied the wolf. “All the better to hear with.”

“My, Mr Wolf, what big flared nostrils you have.”

“Yes, my dear, all the better to smell with,” replied the wolf.

“My, Mr Wolf, what big bulging eyes you have.”

“Yes, my dear, all the better to see with,” replied the wolf.

“My, Mr Wolf, what big teeth you have,” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“Yes, my dear, all the better to eat with. Now, do you mind? I’m trying to have a shit.”

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

 

 Two sheep in a field. One says to the other: “BA AAA BA AAAA BA AAA.”

The other says: “Fuck, I was going to say that.”

 How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac?

It only sleeps in snatches.

 A baby seal walks into a club . . .

 Why do hippos make love underwater?

Have you ever tried keeping a nine-pound clitoris damp?

 A married couple are driving along the road one night when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop and the wife gets out, picks it up, and takes it into the car. She says, “Look, it’s shivering, it must be freezing to death. What should I do?”

Her husband replies, “Put it between your legs to keep it warm.”

She asks, “What about the smell?”

He replies: “Hold its nose.”

What’s the difference between a hamster and a cow?

Cows survive the branding.

 A male whale and his partner were swimming off the coast of Japan when they spotted a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it immediately as the whaling ship that had harpooned and killed his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should make the ship turn over and sink.”

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized that the ship’s crew had escaped by jumping overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male whale was furious that they were going to get away and said to his female companion: “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”

At this point, he realized that the female was reluctant to follow him. “Is there a problem?” he asked her.

“Look,” she replied. “I went along with the blow job, but there’s no way I’m going to swallow the seamen.”

 Which animal has a cunt in the middle of its back?

A police horse.

ANNE FRANK

 

 Did you hear about the Anne Frank Museum closing down because of a lack of visitors?

No one could find it.

Excerpt from a Week of the Diary of Anne Frank

15 June 1944: Hid.

16 June 1944: Hid.

17 June 1944: Hid.

18 June 1944: Hid.

19 June 1944: Hid.

20 June 1944: Hid.

21 June 1944: Bugger.

 

 You have to feel sorry for Anne Frank. First she gets her diary published, which is every girl’s worst nightmare, on top of that she doesn’t get to make any money from it, which is every Jew’s worst nightmare.

What’s brown and hides in the attic?

The diarrhoea of Anne Frank.

ANNIVERSARIES

 

 A man and his wife went to their honeymoon hotel to celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. As the couple reflected upon on that magical evening twenty-five years ago, the wife asked her husband: “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied: “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

The wife slipped off her clothes and stood in front of him wearing only a negligee. She asked: “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “I’m thinking it looks like I did a pretty good job.”

 Alf and Mabel had been married for fifty years. On the night of their wedding anniversary after the celebrations were over they retired to bed in a romantic mood. Mabel said to Alf: “I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.” Alf leaned over and gave her a loving peck on the cheek.

Then Mabel said, “I also remember when you used to hold my hand all the time.” Alf gently took her hand in his.

Mabel went on: “I also remember how you used to nibble my ear and it sent chills up and down my spine.”

Alf got out of bed and walked toward the door. As he exited the room, she called after him, “Do you need a pee?”

“No, I’m just going to get my teeth.”

 An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, “There is something I need to say. It has always slightly bothered me that our ninth child never quite looked anything like the rest of our children. These past fifty years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife stares at her plate, unable to look her husband in the eye. Eventually, she swallows hard then says. “Yes, he did.”

The old man is stunned into silence. After a few moments he summons up the courage to ask: “Who was he?”

The old woman gulps down her wine and says: “You.”

 My wife said to me in bed one night, “Since it is our wedding anniversary, why don’t I let you act out one of your fantasies?”

“Okay,” I replied. “You sit at the end of the bed and I’ll sit behind you.”

A little surprised, she did as I asked, then she said, “What is this supposed to be?”

“You driving me down to the pub.”

ARABS

 

 What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?

Lefty.

 What does Tehran have in common with Hiroshima?

Nothing, yet.

 When is it okay to spit in an Arab woman’s face?

When her moustache is on fire.

 What do you call an Arab standing between two buildings?

Ali.

 How do you tell a Sunni from a Shi’ite?

The Sunnis are the ones with the Shi’ite blown out of them.

 Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages. They’re calling it “Islam”.

 A Bangladeshi called Abdul was bragging that in his country there were seventy-nine different ways to make mad passionate love. An Englishman listened intently, then said: “Why, that’s amazing. Where I come from there’s only one way.”

“Just one?” Abdul asked. “And which way is that?”

“Well there’s a man and there’s a woman . . .”

“Praise Allah!!” shouted Abdul. “Number eighty!”

 Why are camels known as ships of the desert?

Because they are full of Arab semen.

 Two Arabs board a fight out of London. One takes a window seat and the other sits next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sits down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the rabbi kicks his shoes off and is settling in when the Arab in the window seat says, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”

“Don’t get up,” says the rabbi, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.” As soon as he leaves, one of the Arabs picks up the rabbi’s shoe and spits in it.

When the rabbi returns with the Coke, the other Arab says, “That looks good, I’d like one as well.” Again, the rabbi offers to go to fetch it. While he is gone the other Arab picks up the rabbi’s other shoe and spits in it.

When the rabbi returns they all sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight. As the plane is landing, the rabbi slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately that they are full of phlegm. He leans over and says to his Arab neighbours, “Gentlemen, why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations! This hatred! This animosity! This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?”

AUSTRALIANS

 

 An Australian bloke is walking though the bush when he comes across an isolated homestead with a girl standing by the gate. “G’day,” says the Aussie. “Fancy a fuck?”

“Not really,” replies the girl. “But you’ve talked me into it, you silver-tongued bastard.”

 How many Aborigines does it take to eat a dead kangaroo?

Five. One to do the eating and four to stop the traffic.

 Why do Australians call their beer XXXX?

Because they can’t spell PISS.

 An Englishman walks into an Aussie bar in the outback and orders a white wine. Suddenly a deathly silence descends as everyone turns to look at the stranger. The barman says: “You ain’t from around here, are ya . . . where ya from, mate?”

The man says, “I’m from Sussex, England.”

The barman asks, “What the hell you do in Sussex, mate?”

The man responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The barman asks, “A taxidermist . . . now just what the hell is a taxidermist?”

He says, “I mount animals.”

The barman grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay, boys, he’s one of us!”

 What’s the definition of Australian aristocracy?

An Aussie who can trace his lineage back to his father.

What’s an Australians idea of foreplay?

“You awake?”

 What’s a Tasmanian’s idea of foreplay?

“You awake, mum?”

 An Aussie bloke meets a young New Zealander and they fall in love and get married. On their wedding night, she turns to him and says, “Can you please be gentle with me? I’m still a virgin.”

The groom quickly gets out of bed and phones his father. “Strewth, dad, she’s a virgin. What the hell do I do?”

His dad replies, “Tell her to sling her hook, son! If she’s not good enough for her own family, then she ain’t good enough for ours!”

What is the definition of an Australian gentleman?

Someone who will always offer to light his girlfriend’s farts before lighting his own.

 

 An Aussie was driving along through the outback in his four-wheel-drive, when he saw an Aborigine carrying two sheets of corrugated iron and a crate of beer. He stopped to give him a lift and the Aborigine chucked the two sheets of corrugated iron and beer in the back and hopped in beside the driver. “What the hell are you doing, mate, wandering around the outback with two sheets of corrugated iron and a crate of beer?” the driver asked.

“The wife kicked me out,” the Aborigine explained. “We had a court case. She got the kids, I got the house and contents.”

 A British tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a man having sex with a sheep. Horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight double whisky. Just as he was about to knock it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

“For pity’s sake!” the Brit cried. “What the hell is wrong with this country? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep and now some bloke’s wanking himself off in the bar!”

“Fair dinkum, mate,” replied the barman. “You can’t expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep, can you?”

 Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days. On the seventh, Michael the Archangel found him resting. He enquired, “Where have you been, God?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael, look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” enquired the Archangel, a trifle confused.

God pointed to different parts of Earth. “Look over there, for example. That is Northern Europe. It will be cold but it will be a place of great opportunity and wealth. Southern Europe, however, will have good weather but it is going to be relatively poor.”

“I think I get it,” said Michael the Archangel.

God continued: “Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. And over there, I call this place America. North Americans will be rich and powerful and cold and everyone will hate them, while South Americans will be poor and hot and happy and friendly. Can you see the balance?”

“Yes,” said Michael the Archangel, impressed by God’s work. Then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, “What’s that one, God?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and a fabulous coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent, extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will also be strong in character and will admired and respected by all who come across them.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration. “But, God, you said there will be balance.”

“Yes,” God replied. “Just wait until you see the twats I’m putting next door to them.”

Ten Reasons Why it’s Great to Be Australian

1 You know that your great-great-grandfather was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.

2 Fosters Lager.

3 You get to dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.

4 Your cricket captain is not afraid to cry live on T V.

5 Tact and sensitivity.

6 Bondi Beach.

7 Other beaches.

8 Liberated attitudes to homosexuals.

9 Drinking cold lager on the beach.

10 Having a bit of a swim and then drinking some cold lager on the beach.

 

 How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander?

Ask them both “Have you ever fucked a nine-year-old?” – the Kiwi will answer, “Christ, no way, mate! That’s gross.” The Aussie will have a puzzled look on his face and reply, “A nine-year-old what?”

 A New Zealander and an Aussie were chewing the fat one afternoon over a cold tinny. After a while the Aussie said to the Kiwi, “If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related, mate?”

The Kiwi thought about it for a couple of minutes, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, “Well, I’m not sure about related, mate, but it would make us even.”

 An Australian walks into a bar in London. The barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. They get chatting and at the end of her shift he asks her if she fancies a quick shag. Although she is really attracted to him she sensibly declines. He then offers to pay her £200 for sex. As the barmaid is on a gap year and travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the Aussie guy turns up at the bar again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the evening he asks if she fancies a shag again for £200. She thinks to herself, “What the hell – I had a great night last night and I could do with the money” – so she agrees. This goes on for five nights.

On the sixth night the Aussie walks into the bar again and orders a beer, but this time he takes his drink and just sits in the corner. The barmaid is disappointed and goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he is from.

“Near Melbourne.”

“Really? So am I,” she says. “Whereabouts near Melbourne?”

“Box Hill,” he says.

“That’s amazing,” she says, “so am I – what street?”

“North Albert Road,” he says.

“This is unbelievable,” she says, “what number?”

He says “Number 20.”

She is astonished: “You are not going to believe this,” she says, “I’m from number 22 – my parents still live there!”

“I know,” he says, “your dad gave me £1,000 to give you.”

Why do so many Australian men suffer from premature ejaculation?

Because they always have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates about it.

 An Aussie tour guide was driving a group of foreign tourists through the desert to Ayer’s Rock. Along the way he was describing the legendary abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The tourists were amazed.

Along the road, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”

The aborigine replied, “Down the road about twenty-five miles is a 1974 Valiant Ute. It’s red and the left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are nine blokes in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are three dead kangaroos on the roof rack and six dogs on the front seat.”

The tourists were astounded by the precision and detail of the information.

“That is amazing – how do you know all that?” asked one.

The Aborigine replied, “I fell out of the fucker about twenty minutes ago.”

ASSASSINS

 

 The CIA had an opening for an assassin. As this was a highly classified position to fill, it involved a lot of testing and background checks before the applicants could even be considered for the position. After sending some would-be assassins through the various background checks and training and testing, they finally narrowed the possible choices down to three male applicants.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the job. The CIA men in charge of the test took the first of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We need to know that you will follow your orders, no matter what,” he was told. “Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man was visibly shocked. “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.”

“In that case,” said the CIA man, “you are undoubtedly the wrong man for the job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man is taken to the same door and handed a gun.

“We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a little shocked, but he took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes.

“I tried but I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“Correct,” the CIA man replied. “You do not have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

The third and final applicant was led to the same door of the same room and given the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and shoot her.”

The third man took the gun, opened the door and went into the room. Outside, the CIA man heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, six times. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on walls. This commotion went on for several minutes then all went quiet. The door opened and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said: “You never told me the gun was loaded with fucking blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.”

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and John F. Kennedy?

One had his head blown off, the other was assassinated.

AUTISM

 

 Did you know that if you counted up all the pies bought at football matches every weekend in the UK, the chances are, you’re autistic.

“A friend of mine was a sadistic autistic. Just by the sound of your screams, he could tell the exact temperature of the boiling hot water he threw in your face.”

 

 I used to share a flat with a guy who was autistic. It was great. I used to put rice in his slippers before I went out. He went absolutely nuts – but not before he had counted them all.

What’s the last thing you should ever say to an autistic person?

You do the maths.

 How do you know if your child might be autistic?

When you can’t save their drawings because they’re drawn in faeces all over your nice white carpet.

AUTOPSIES

 

 Three corpses arrive at the mortuary on the same day, all with very big smiles on their faces. A police inspector, thinking that this strange coincidence requires an explanation, arrives to ask the coroner how they died.

The coroner shows him the first body. “Englishman, sixty years old, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the coroner.

He shows the inspector the second corpse. “Scotsman, about twenty-five years old, won £1,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

“Nothing unusual here,” says the inspector and asks to be shown the last body.

“Ah,” says the coroner, “Irishman, about thirty years old, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” enquires the Inspector.

The coroner replies: “Thought he was having his picture taken.”

 A professor is giving the first-year medical students their first lecture on autopsies and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

“You must be capable of two things for a successful autopsy. The most important factor is that you must have no fear.” At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s arsehole and then licks it. He then asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, they all reluctantly follow suit. Two students throw up, a third faints to the foor.

“The second thing”, continues the lecturer, “is that you must have an acute sense of observation. For example, you may or may not have noticed that just now I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index finger.”