masterjokefile

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1.  My pet rock leaves pebbles all over the house.

2.  I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny.

Because he's my newt.

3.  What did the little corn say to the mama corn? 

Where is pop corn? 

4.  What did the Tin Man say when he was run over by a steamroller?

"Curses. Foiled again!"

5.   What did Kermit order at McDonalds?

French flies and a diet croak. 

6.  What did the DJ say to the farmer?

Lettuce turnip the beet.

7.  How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

10-tickles.

8.  What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

BA-NA-NA-NA-A-A-A

9.  Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”

      Doctor: “I’ve got some cream for that.

10.  For the third night in a row, someone has been  adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

11.  Okay, this is hard to say, but,

Worcestershire sauce

12.  I’ve got very sensitive teeth.

As a matter of fact, they’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.

13.  What if dogs lick us because they know we have bones inside us and they want them? Then what?

14.  "Hello, this is Doggie Support.  Have you tried throwing it up and eating it again?"

15.  I asked my wife if she wanted to go see a llama herd. She said, "Sure. Alpaca suitcase."

16.  Why cant you keep a secret on a farm?

The corn have ears, the potatoes have eyes, the beans talk and the pigs squeal.

17.  What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

18.  Heck is a place where people go if they don't believe in gosh.

19.  Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.

20.  I don't like going to the pancake house.

That place gives me the crepes.

21.  What's Irish and stays out all night? 

Paddy O'Furniture

22.  I’ve started a dating site for chickens. 

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

23.  It didn't take long for me to learn about lizards. I understood right from the gecko.

24.  Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

25.  Why was the pancake arrested? 

For unwaffle activities.

26.  A nut was chasing me down the street last night. He kept yelling “I’m a cashew!.”

27.  When it comes to overstuffed recliners, I have a lot of deep seated fears.

28.  Every year, hundreds of students enroll in mime school, never to be heard from again.

29.  I hear exaggerations are up by like a billion percent this year.

30.  Well, well, well..

Welcome to stutter class.

31.  Just made me some synonym rolls.

Just like grammar used to make.

32.  Two penguins walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Waddle it be, boys?"

33.  I used to like chicken more than beef, but that was hen and this is cow.

34.  I like to eat raw meat, but only on rare occasions.

35.  I used to work as a waiter. The pay wasn't great, but I put food on the table.

36.  19 & 20 got into a fight, 21. 

37.  People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. 

But people in Abu Dhabi do!

38.  What do you call a pencil that fell in the toilet?  

A #2 pencil.

39.  Scientists have recently discovered a gene that  causes shyness. They found it hiding behind two other genes.

40.  If your boat turns upside down you can wear it on your head. It's capsized.

41.  I taught my dog to beg. Today he came back with $25.

42.  I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.

43.  How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

44.  My dog has no nose!

How does he smell?

Awful!

45.  Why aren’t koalas actual bears? 

The don’t meet the koalafications.

46.  Last night we had chili for dinner.

It was a silent, but deadly night.

47.  A man came up to me and said, "Man, your clothes look gay."

I said, "I know, they just came out of the closet this morning."

48.  Remember when we all kicked pregnant women in the stomach.  You know, before we were born.

49.  A bag of M&M's went to college.

Now they're all Smarties. 

Well, except for the one DumDum. 

50.  Why do you put Bandaids in the fridge?

For cold cuts! 

51.  Why do mice have such small balls?

So few of them know how to dance. 

52.  What kind of car does Yogi bear drive? 

A Furrari. 

53. What do cows wear when they vacation in Hawaii? 

Moo moos

54.  Chicks for sale.

They're going cheep. 

55.  What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment... 

56.  Have you ever seen a chick eat a banana?

57.  You gotta hand it to midgets.

Because sometimes they can't reach it.

58.  A weasel walks into a bar. 

Bartender asks, "What can I get ya?" 

"Pop", goes the weasel. 

59.  What musical instrument is found in the bathroom.

A tuba toothpaste

60.  I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. 

Usually either Nestle or Captain. 

61.  I was going to post a joke about pizza, but it was cheesy. 

62.  Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crummy.

63.  What did the left eye say to the right eye? 

Between us, something smells! 

64.  Where did you learn to make banana splits? 

Sundae school.

65.  A man and his pony are walking down the road when suddenly someone comes up and shoves the pony over.

The pony says to his friend, "Hey, can you yell at that guy for me?"

His friend asks, "Why can't you do it?"

The pony says, "Because I'm a little hoarse." 

66.  Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back four seconds. 

67.  I once had a wooden car that had wooden wheels and a wooden engine. It wooden start.

68.  All of my friends told me that 'icy' is the easiest word to spell. 

And after looking at it, I see why. 

69.  I’ve never drank a juice box, but I hear they pack a punch.

70.  What kind of candy is never on time? Choco-late.

71.  I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite, but I ended picking 7 Up.

72.  What do elves do when they get home from school? 

Gnomework.

73.  What do you call a fake noodle? 

An impasta.

74.  Where do pencils go on vacation? 

Pencil-vania.

75.  Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

He had no body to dance with.

76.  Did you hear about the musician who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.

77.  Rich people have a canopy over the bed.  Poor people have a can o' pee under the bed.

78.  I used to have a camel that didn't have humps. His name was Humphrey.

79.  My wife asked me today if I’d seen the dog bowl.

I said no I didn’t know he could.

80.  My winter fat is gone.

Now I have spring rolls.

81.  What did the shy pebble wish for?

That he was a little boulder.

82.  What a relief it was when I was born, I was running out of womb.

83.  Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the lyrics ?

84.  I was addicted to the hokey-pokey. But I turned myself around. 

85.  On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

86.  If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie? 

87.  I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

88.  I've finished 3 books this week..

That's a LOT of coloring !!

89.  Real frogs call him Kermit The Fraud.

90.  We all know Albert Einstein was a Genius. But his brother Frank was a monster!

 

91.  Why does E.T. have such big eyes?  

He's looking at his phone bill

92.  What kind of sandals do frogs wear? 

Open toad.

93. What's a cat's favorite TV show? Claw & Order.

Favorite cereal? Mice Crispies.

Favorite 90's song? Mice Mice Baby.

Favorite way to shop? Micey's Cat-alogue.

Cat Bowling League name: Alley Cats.

Never play poker with cats. They're Cheetahs.

 

94.  Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone!

95.  Why did 6 hate 7? because 7 8 9!!

96.  Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because her mom and dad were in a jam.

97.  I woke up this morning and found out that I'd turned into a cat,

but don't ask meow.

98.  My Mom told me to eat every carrot and pee on my plate.

It only happened once, and did I ever get a spanking.

99.  A duck walks into a pharmacy, gets some chapstick, and puts it on the counter. Pharmacist asks how he's going to pay for it. 

The duck says "put it on my bill."

100.  What does a baby computer call its father? 

Data

101.  Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose! 

102.  What do computers eat for a snack?

Microchips

103.  Down on Sesame Street: 

"Hey Ernie, would you like a delicious frozen dessert that's not quite as good as ice cream?"

"Sherbert."

104.  What does garlic do when it gets hot?

It takes its cloves off.

105.  What did the male telescope say to the hot female telescope? 

HUBBLE HUBBLE !

106.  Chicks for sale.  They're going cheep. 

107.  "Ramen."

Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

1.  Our local pet store is offering free legless parakeets.  No perches necessary.

2.  Let me tell you about my new shoes.  I bought them from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

3.Chinese takeout: $11.77

Price of gas to get there: $4.90:

Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

4.  A truck loaded with Vick's Vape-O-Rub overturned on the freeway.

Not surprisingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

5.  How long does it take the Dutch to make eggs benedict? 

It takes Holland days.

6.  A scientist tried to make gum out of eggs. 

It was an eggs spearmint.

7.  People say filling your animals with helium is wrong.  I say whatever floats your goat.

8.  A guy in my town was shot yesterday while holding a starter's pistol. They suspect the crime was race related.  

9.  What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?   Multi-ply.

10.  To be Frank, I would have to change my name.

11.  At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

12.  The doctor gave me some anti-gloating cream.  I can't wait to rub it in.

13.  Went to a bakery to buy some shortbread. They don't make it any longer.

14.  What do you call a nose without a body?  No-body knows.

15.  The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.  I really wish he would stop laughing at my expense.

16.  My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves.

17.  Not all math puns are terrible.  Just sum. 

18.  My wife went upstairs to get some medicine.  I think she's coming down with something.

19.  Do you know how often I post element jokes? 

Periodically.

20.  My wife thought she could beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter.

21.  Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

22.  I'm glad I retired as a water heater installer.  Lately, it's become a tankless job.

23.  I forced down five cans of alphabet soup last night. This morning I had a huge vowel movement.

24.  There's no cost to get into the aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin,

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

25.  What breed of roosters lay eggs?

Himalayan.

26.  I once won second place in a star gazing competition. The winner got a telescope. All I got was a constellation prize.

  

27.  Does anyone here remember the chiropractor joke I posted about a weak back?

28.  I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

29.  What do you call a communist doing yoga?  Stretch Marx

30.  Why do riot police like to go to work early? 

To beat the crowd.

31.  In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse's saddle when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.    <deRuyter> "The lamps were known as knightlights"

32.  I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.

33.  My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

34.  It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

35.  I found out my wife has been playing board games with another man.

Turns out she's Monopolyamorous.

36.  Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It's a pita parka. 

37.  I've got racing geese for sale.  Let me know if you want a quick gander. 

38. Did you hear there was a big paddle sale at the boat store?  

It was quite an oar deal.

39.  I noticed our vacuum is cleaning less of the house than it used to. I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

40.  When my great grandfather went bald he built a machine to weave a wig out of yarn. He gave it to my grandfather, who gave it to my dad, and one day it will be mine. It is our family hair loom.

  

41.  The other day I told a joke over a Zoom meeting.  It wasn’t even remotely funny.

    

42.   People who cant distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways i cannot put into words.

43.  Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they're a solid number two.

44.  To the person that stole my place in line...

I'm coming after you.

45.  Hospital said they were looking for organ donors.

So I sent them Gramma's old Wurlitzer.

46.  Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on Ebay.

Imagine all the Paypal.

47. To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you. I have contacts.

48.  My friend’s band is playing this weekend.  He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

 

49.  Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budge it, but he was able to work it out with a pencil.

50.  If Freud did hip hop would it be shrink rap?

51.  Yesterday I was flying my drone and I accidentally flew it into a flock of pigeons.

I guess you could say I killed two birds with one drone.

52.  Is your Android making you fall asleep?  I can help.  There’s a nap for that.

53.  Which is better: An ascot or a cravat? 

It's a tie.

54.  I lost my hair years ago but I still carry my favorite comb. I just can't part with it. 

55.  Everyone told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

56.  If I ever have twin daughters I'd name the first one Kate and the second one Duplikate.

57.  Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.

58.  Why was the Jewish Jedi lonely?

He had no Force kin. 

59.  I saw a midget scaling down a prison wall. I thought that was a little condescending.

60.  Vegetarians eat vegetables, so I guess cannibals are humanitarians.

61.  A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

62.  What do you call an obsession with fabric softener? Downy Syndrome

63.  I can't find any jokes about cutting down trees.

I’m completely stumped.

64.  I used to work at the juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate, so I got canned.

I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.

Then I worked at the blanket factory, but it folded.

Then I finally realized that working in a mirror factory was something I could totally see myself doing.

65.  I entered ten puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

66.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

67.  Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

68.  What kind of footwear do psychologists wear? 

Freudian slippers.

69.  Sticks float. They wood.

70.  A man is working his way through undertaker school by painting floors. After years of hard work and hard study, he finally painted himself into a coroner.

71.  As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

72.  I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

73.  I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

74.  Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? 

Because it's two tired.

75.  How does Moses make his tea? 

Hebrews it.

76.  A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

77.  My wife is a brunette. I married a blonde, but she dyed.

78.  A chicken crossing the road is pure poultry in motion.

79.  What do you call two people in an ambulance? 

A pair of medics.

80.  What do you call a gynecologist who really loves his job? 

Ovary enthusiastic.

81.  My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.

82.  What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? 

A red carnation.

83.  Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.

84.  Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

85.  I have two brothers. Well, three actually, but the third has a learning disability so he doesn't count.

86.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? 

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

87.  The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

88.  Why didn't the eunuch cross the road?  

He didn't have the balls.

89.  What do prisoners use to call each other?

 Cell phones.

90.  The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

91.  What has four wheels and flies? 

A garbage truck.

92.  Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  

93.  Are people born with photographic memories? 

Or do they take a while to develop?

94.  To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

95. Shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for all those years. Thanks for every ting.

  

96.  I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me. 

97.  What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

98.  I've heard many puns in my life, but the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake.

99.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

100.  What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette

101.  When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

102.  What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

103.  Sure, I drink brake fluid.

But I can stop anytime! 

104.  My girlfriend thought I’d never be able to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta!

105.  Somebody stole all my lamps and I couldn’t be more de-lighted!

106.  What do you do with chemists when they die?

Barium!

107.  What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator?

“Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”

108.  My wife tragically ripped the blankets off me last night. I recovered.

109.  A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

110.  If you've been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet!

111.  Why don't suicide cults exist any more?  They died out.

112.  Choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die!

113.  People say I'm addicted to somersaults, but that's just how I roll.

114.  I spent three sleepless nights trying to think of a mountain pun. I'm starting to think I won't Everest.

115.  I got a reversible jacket for Christmas. 

I can't wait it to see how it turns out.

116.  After the birth of your first child your role in life will become apparent.

117.  My wife doesn't like vomit jokes but I do nausea a problem with it.

118.  I have this awful affliction where I can't stop telling airport jokes. I think it's terminal.

119.  These giant squid jokes are kraken me up!

120.  I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

121.  I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend, my neighbor is dead against it.

122.  I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Mesopotamia. I had to stop him.  I didn't want him to Babylon.

123.  For a fungi to grow you must give it as mushroom as possible.

124.  I hate it when people make jokes about body parts. Eyelash out when I hear them.

125.  What happens when four children lock themselves in a wardrobe? 

That's narnia business.

126.  Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved? Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

127.  I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?

128.  A guy just threw milk at me.  How dairy?!

129.  Spring is almost here.  I got so excited, I almost wet my plants.

130.  A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

131.  I've got a chicken-proof front lawn. It's impeccable!

132. People are shocked when I tell them I have a police record. I love their greatest hits.

133.  I took the shell off my racing snail hoping he would crawl faster.  It didn't help at all.  If anything, it made him more sluggish.

134.  I haven't always believed in climate change, but I'm warming up to the theory.

135.  I met a woman with twelve boobs. Sounds weird, dozentit?

136.  A guy in Boston tried to get a deal on a sled.  But first he had toboggan.

137.  What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeño business.

138.  Hear about the confrontational pepper?

He was jalapeño face.

139.  The skeleton comic was trying tibia little humerus.

140.  I wrote a song about a tortilla.  Well actually, it's more of a wrap.

141.  I'd love to visit Holland, wooden shoe?

142.  I like white boards: They are remarkable.

143.  The first dog in space died of stress. It was probably due to the vacuum.

144.  My girlfriend's teeth are like stars.  They come out at night.

145.  Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked?  Or with pajamazon.

146.  Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. 

I should have put it on aloha setting!

147.  The Moon rock tasted better than the Earth Rock. You know, because it was a little meteor.

148.  The person who invented auto correct has died. May he roast in piss.

  

149.  Checked out a nudist camp today, but the sign said "Clothed till May".

150.  Bigfoot often gets confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

  

151.  The new colander I bought was very heavy, so I got a hand truck to move it. 

I didn't want to strain myself.

  

152.  Check this one out.

1

153.  If you want to start a company and run it that's your business

154.  Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends.

155.  I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players.

The servers are currently down.

156.   A kleptomaniac walks into a bathroom and takes a shower.

157.  What kind of award do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? 

A trophy.

158.  I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear. He asks, "Are you sure?"  

 I said, "Yeah, I'm definite."

159.  What kind of car did Jesus drive?

 A Christler

160.  Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.  That’s just how I roll.

161.  If you have part of your colon removed, is it still a colon...or a semi-colon?

162.  Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet.  We’re a cover band.   

163.  Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there. 

164.  I've never understood the fashion industry. Those people are so clothes minded. 

165.  I was forced to swallow purple food coloring.  I feel violeted. 

166.  Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver... 

Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!

167.    I've decided to paint all my clothes rather than buy new ones.  I just finished the second coat.

168.  My mailman got a sex change. 

I guess you'd call him a post-man now. 

169.  I finally quit drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

170.  I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

She didn’t know I existed.

171.  What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination. 

172.  I named my horse Mayo and sometimes Mayo neighs.

173.  I have a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words too. 

174.  I went into this salon and an Asian girl started stroking my neckwear. Turned out it was a tie massage parlor.

175.  A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

176.  How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.

177.  Can a cemetery raise its prices and blame it on the cost of living? 

178.  My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

179.  All of my mom's sisters are incredibly healthy thanks to their auntie-bodies.

180.  The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

181.  What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a bull? Abominable

182.  There is a dating service for seniors now.

Its called "Expiration Date."

183.  Don't ask me about my pan pizza.

It's personal.

184.  My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable. 

185.  Which came first? The chicken or the egg?

Neither, the rooster came first. 

186.  Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon.

187.  Why don't orphans play baseball? 

They don't know where home is. 

188.  Why is a baseball stadium so hot after a game? 

All the fans have left. 

189.  I felt trapped inside a woman's body,

Then I was born.

190.  What do Japanese cannibals eat?

Raw men.

191.  There’s a fine line between a denominator and a numerator.

Only a fraction of you will understand this.

192.  Friend: "I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 cents.

         Me: "That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?" 

193.  This woman once told me she was a Christian so I broke up with her. 

I had always known and loved her as Christine. 

194.   Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve? Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

195.   Orthodontists are going on strike. 

Brace yourselves.

196.  What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?  A Fizzician

197.  Here’s my step ladder 

I never knew my real ladder.

198.  I love watching videos of rivers and creeks.  In fact, I watched a live stream just this morning.

199.  I've combined a laxative with alphabet soup.  

It's called "Letter Rip."

200.  The Holy Bible is full of holes. It says so right in the title!! 

201.  Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? 

It was dreadful. 

202.  I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. It's finally happened..

I can't afford shit.

203.   I saw an obese sea cow explode.  Oh, the huge manatee!

204.  Auntie has a traditional remedy for Tourette's.

She swears by it. 

205.  Farmer's girlfriend broke up with him 

She sent him a John Deere letter.

206.  Edgar Allan Poe

Because Edgar Allan ain't got no job. 

207.  This guy told me that if you hold up a shell, you can hear the ocean. I tried it and got 6 years for armed robbery.

208.  Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July, except for fire...

Fire works on the 4th of July. 

209.  I once tried to cure my acne with sulphuric acid. It was a pore decision.

210.  We're having my favorite food for new year's.

Independence Day-old-pizza. 

211.   A bossy man goes into a bar.  He orders everyone a round.

212.  Why doesn't Sweden export its cattle?

It wants to keep its Stockholm. 

213.  When explaining a groin injury to your doctor, be clear on whether it's your scrotum or penis that is affected. There's a vas deferens between them.

214.  I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed. 

215.  Just watched a documentary about beavers.

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

216.   I wrote a novel about a guy with a small garden.  Didn't have much of a plot.

217.  My psychiatrist said that my exhibitionist disorder was incurable. I'll show her.

218.  A  book fell on my head.  

I have no one to blame but my shelf.

219.  I told a carbon monoxide joke to my friend.  He said it was tasteless.

220.  I went to my therapist only wearing saran wrap around my private parts. My therapist said: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 

221.  The lights at the Chinese restaurant were so bright, I asked them to dim sum. 

222.  There was a problem with the catering at our annual Bulimia Sufferers' Convention last night, but I didn't want to bring it up.

223.  My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. 

Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

224.  I'm still using Office 2010. For lack of a better Word.

225.  Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change color? 

He had reptile disfunction

226.  If you show me your boobs I'll show you my tattoos.  

Tit for tat.

227.  The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of. Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

228.  My urologist said I have a healthy prostate.

I was deeply touched.

229.  Have you ever seen a chick eat a banana?

230.  What do you call a crocodile with GPS? 

A Navi-gator

231.  An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money. 

232.  When The Incredible Hulk showers does he use a loofah-rigno? 

233.  Why are plants so thin? They always eat light.

234.  I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

235.  You can make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water.

Yeah, I tried spring water in my water bed.  It sprung a leak.

236.  I wanted to spend time listening to shock radio. 

But now there's no Rush.

237.  Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

238.  Did you hear about the two snails fighting?

They removed their shells and slugged it out. 

239.  I hate jokes about proms. 

The punch line is always too long 

240.  Did you hear about the new surgery kit that lets the patients sew up his own incisions? 

It's called Suture Yourself.

241.  I fell into an infinity pool yesterday. 

It took me forever to get out of it. 

244.  There was an argument about what to call a medieval soldier, but it was getting late, so they called it a knight. 

245.   What did medieval postmen wear?  Chain mail.

246.  What do you call a computer that sings? 

A Dell

247.  What do you call a three-footed aardvark? 

A yardvark

248.   Maladies, maladies, maladies, maladies.  

Okay, enough with the four maladies.

249.  What the largest bra size at the zoo?

A Zee bra.

250.  I work part time at a candle factory.  I only work on wick ends.

251.  Where do Scientologists keep dinner plates?

In the L. Ron Cupboard

252.  I had a really expensive enema last week.  It really cleaned me out.

253.  Accordion to a recent survey, 90% of people don't notice when you replace words with names of musical instruments. 

254.  Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right? 

255.  My son kept chewing on electrical cords, so I grounded him.  He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

256.     When pressed, the tailor, a material witness in the suit, came apart at the seams. His altered testimony completely unraveled. The tale he had woven had been a complete fabrication.

257.  Necrophilia's a dying fad. 

258.  I'm sitting on the toilet and late for work.

I don't have time for this crap.

259.  What did the sushi say to the bee?   

Whassubee?! 

260.  What do you call a broken can opener? 

Can't opener. 

261.    Art thieves captured. Along with their getaway vehicle and all the loot. They had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

262.  Woke up this morning with a fig up my butt. 

Think I might have been date raped.

263.   Two termites walk into a bar and ask, "Is the bar tender here?" 

264.  One bird can't make a pun, but toucan. 

265.  Every time I tell a funny cow joke I butcher it. 

266.  Proofreading is very impotent.

267.  My detective friend dropped his cell phone on the sidewalk yesterday. 

He cracked the case.

268.  Did you hear Sting is missing?

The Police are searching for leads.

269.  KFC opens shelter for battered chickens. 

270.  Nazis make me Fuhrious.

271.  Finally finished writing my thesis on constipation. It was a real struggle to get it out.  

272.  I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

273.  I can cut down a tree using only my vision.

I saw it with my own eyes. 

274.  My friend, who likes to date inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while.

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand.

275.  I finally got a job as a teacher last month. My whole life I have tried to overcome my anxiety from being cross-eyed. Finally I did. 

Now today, the principal fired me because I can't control my pupils. 

276.  It's tough being dyslexic. Misspell one word and the whole text is urined.

277.  I used to take my dog to the lake, but the ducks kept attacking him. That's what I get for having a pure-bread dog.

278.  Why did the racist cross the road?

To get to the finish line. 

279.  My girlfriend works at the zoo.

I think she's a keeper

280.  Know why I make puns?

I feel it's my respunsibility. 

281.  What nationality is Santa Claus? 

North Polish 

282.  Just got a job as senior director at Old McDonalds farm. 

I'm the CIEIO.

283.  Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain.

Because of the indoor fins. 

284.  What did Forrest Gump's horse order at the bar?

Ginnn - neighhhhhh.

285.  Why do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

They're scentimental. 

286.   Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants ?

Because they might get a hole in one.

287.  When I canceled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice.

288.  I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague. 

The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

289.  Did you hear about the transgender vegan? 

He was a herbefore.

290.  I was making out with this girl on the sofa when she said, "Let's take this upstairs." 

I said, "Okay, you grab one end of the couch and I'll grab the other." 

291.  I came home to find two guys stealing my gate.  I didn’t want to say anything in case they took a fence. 

292.  A lion will not cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood.

293.  Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon.  Neil before me. 

294.  I once asked my mom if I was a gifted child. 

She said there's no way in hell they would have paid for me.

295.  Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

296.  I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

297.   Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. He said it's the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he's ever seen.

298.  What did nine eggs say to the fat guy who opened the carton?

"Get more eggs our size."

299.  Velcro, what a rip-off. 

300.  A man was arrested by the police after he stole his neighbor's clothes straight from the clothesline.

He claimed he was doing online shopping.

301.  When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats.

This is known as many paws.

302.  It’s difficult explaining puns to kleptomaniacs – they’re always taking things literally.

303.  The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. 

They charged one and let the other one off.

304.  My ultra-sensitive toothpaste gets really jealous when I use other toothpastes.

305.  What if there were no hypothetical questions?

306.  For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus. 

It’s the little thing that counts.

307.  "Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company. 

308.  Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane. 

309.  Our planet is bipolar.

310.  My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right, I feel ten years older already.

311.  My rooster has been working out.

He now has impressive pecks. 

312.  I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home the tables were turned. 

313.  I found a café that serves chicken dinners for fifty cents. You sit down and they bring you a plate of bird seed.

314.  Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

315.  When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked. 

316.  I was offered a job today but I turned it down because they were only willing to pay me in vegetables.

The celery was unacceptable.

317.  When I started here I was working for peanuts but now they've put me on celery.

318.  I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

319.  Breaking a leg during an audition ensures that you end up in the cast. 

320.  I used to tell dad jokes.  He's dead now, though.  

321.  I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

322.  Clichès must be avoided like the plague. 

323.  They just removed a very large boulder near our town that was 5,280 feet long. 

It was a milestone.

324.  Two cows, Daisy and Dolly.

Daisy: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

Dolly: "I don't believe you."

Daisy: "It's true, no bull."

325.  A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told him that's the last thing I need. 

326.  I have the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

327.  What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB. 

328.  I saw a show about how wells are made.

It was boring.

329.  I just watched a documentary on how ships are put together. 

It was riveting. 

330.  Why are venetian blinds so important?

Without them, it would be curtains for all of us!

331.  Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? 

He got a little behind in his work. 

332.  There's an email going round offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.

If you get this email don't open it, it's spam! 

333.  Nothing is made in America anymore, I just bought a TV and the box said "Built in Antenna".

I don't even know where that country is. 

334.  My Playstation 3 broke yesterday and there was no one there to console me. 

335.   I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

336.  I’m not a racist, I love all races. Except marathons.

337.  Couples Therapist: "So, tell me what brings you here today?"

Her: "It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal."                     

Him: "My truck." 

338.  Man who runs in front of car gets tired.  Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

339.   I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.

340.  I got food poisoning today.

I'm not sure when I'm going to use it.

341.  Best way to keep your kids from being spoiled: 

Keep them in the refrigerator. 

342.  My friend found a brilliant sausage website.

I’ve asked him to send me a link.

343.  What do you call a gay dentist? 

A tooth fairy! 

344.  I threw my toaster away because it kept burning my bread. 

I'm black toast intolerant. 

345.   I heard a Bee Gees song coming from my vegetable rack. 

It turned out to be chives talking.

346.  A group of crows is called a murder.

Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws. 

347.  Gonna start a matchmaking site for very old people called Carbon Dating.

348.  What did the buffalo say when his son galloped off? 

Bison 

349.  Sign over a Gynecologists' Office: 

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” 

350.  Don't run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. 

Or worse yet, get kilt.

351.  (added 8-7-23 thanks to eric60mwm on undernet) The midget psychic that escaped from prison? 

A small medium at large.

  

351.  Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

Or is that just one of granny’s myths?

352.   Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.

I said that’s not nececelery true.

353.  My dad was a stalker. 

I'm following in his footsteps

354.  If you can think of a better fish pun let minnow.

355.  My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer. 

356.  The last woman who broke my heart was hard to get over.

Until I shifted into four-wheel drive.

357.   I never thought I would turn into my dad.

Until I pulled into my driveway and ran over him. 

358.  What do you do when there's a sink standing outside your door?

You let that sink in.

359.  What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

360.  I know a surgeon who specializes in sex reassignment. 

He's a real womanizer.

361.  What did Beethoven do after he died?

He decomposed. 

362. What do you call a row of bunnies moving backwards?

A receding hare line.

363.  "Does this uniform make me look fat?"

Asked by the newest insecurity guard. 

364.  What's the worst thing about ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

365.  My wife asked the surgeon if he could re-attach my severed arm. 

He said he couldn't re-member.  

366.  Stan was the best liver surgeon at his hospital.  He always de-livered.

367.  If two rival car dealerships had a shared parking area, they would have a lot in common.

368.  Making puns is very rewording.

369.  I don't trust new cafés because they fill me with uncertain tea. 

370.  In Iran, everyone’s scared of spiders.

But In Iraq, no phobia.

371.  People are complaining about this invisible magazine but I don’t see the issue. 

372.  Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

“Yes sir,” came the reply, “It’s fresh ground.” 

373.  The mountains around here aren't just funny.

They're hill areas. 

374.  Bought a new hair piece for just $5.

It was a small price toupee.

375.  Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection.  Except Up. 

He’s never gonna give you Up. 

376.  If all 't's were silent we'd never hear the end of it.

 

377.  Wanna fork?

Not-to-knife, but as spoon as I feel better. 

378.  A fly feels a bug land on its back. 

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?" the fly asked.

"I mite be," giggled the mite.

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard," groaned the fly.

"What do you expect?" said the mite.

"I came up with it on the fly." 

379.  A bee is riding on the back of a fly.  The fly turns around and asks, "Hey, are you a bee?" to which the bee replies, "I might bee."  The fly then says, "Dude, that's the worst pun I've ever heard."  The bee responds, "What can I say?  I made it up on the fly."

380.  Silly Putty implies the existence of Serious Putty.

381.  Did you hear about the escaped convict with a speech impediment?

He couldn’t finish his sentence.

382.  Want to hear a joke about a bed?

Sorry, it hasn't been made yet.

383.  What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

384.  Hear the one about the jurisprudence fetishist? 

He got off on a technicality.

385.  If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

386.  Podiums!  Now that's a product I can stand behind!

387.  What do you call a man with a rubber toe? 

Roberto

388.  I just bought a new car.  Should I fear getting the car-owner virus?

389.  What do you call a vampire who thinks the earth is flat?

No-sphere-ratu

  

390.  Baby Changing stations, great idea.  Problem is nobody ever restocks them, I've had the same stupid kids for 30 years.

391.  The Flat Earth Society has Members all over the globe. 

392.  Police found the criminal shot to death, with an exit wound but no entry wound. 

They think it was an inside job. 

393.  I was at the climbing center yesterday, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall. Honestly, you couldn't make it up. 

394.  What's a plumber's favorite food? 

A leek.

395.  Levi Strauss was a jeanious.

396.   Never get into an argument between creationists and evolutionists. 

You'll just be comparing apples and origins.

397.  A friend from Morocco gave me a recipe for some delicious rolls to have with dinner. But the recipe calls for fresh thyme. I only have the dried stuff and I am pretty sure it's expired. 

Never know. I might like that old thyme Moroccan roll.  

398.  After years of teasing my girlfriend about her anorexia, she finally snapped. 

399.  My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping I won't be covered. 

400.  I went to the Air and Space museum, but there was nothing there.

401.  This man was raped by a group of mimes. 

They performed unspeakable acts on him. 

402.  It’s cleaning day today. I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar. 

403.  I heard that dolphins have vestigial legs.  It seems evolution defeeted the porpoise.

404.  Inheritance taxes are getting way out of line.  The deceased's family often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.

  

405.  I can't stand being paralyzed.

406.  Boy George was attacked by his pet lizard.

He's going to get a calmer chameleon.

407.  How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buck an ear.

408.  Coincide: What you do when it rains. 

          Acoustic: An item used in billiards.

409.  A plaintiff with feverish symptoms asks the judge for medication. Motrin denied.

410.  There's a serious potato borne lung infection going around. Tuber-culosis

411.  My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

412.  Why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she's probably thick and tired of it!

413.  Girl in therapy:  "I keep seeing images of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck !"

Shrink:  "I see. And how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

414.  My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name but I called her Bluff. 

415.  I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.  

416.  What did Al Gore play on his guitar? 

An Algorithm

417.  Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?

I don't know, they just ransomware. 

418.  Breaking news: Man killed by Steamroller.

Police not sure what happened as evidence is a little thin.

419.  I lost my wife's audio-book and now I'll never hear the end of it. 

420.  I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

421.  I asked a girl in Peru if she wanted to go on a picnic. 

She said, "Sure, alpaca lunch." 

422.   I walked past a shop selling a TV with a sign: 

"TV for sale. $1. volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down!"

423.  In high school, some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them. 

It turns out it was just clique bait.

424.  I think there are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world but that's just a ballpark number.

425.  My life is an open book, but it's poorly written and I die in the end.

426.  Pink Panthers to do list 

To do 

To do 

To do,to do,to do,to do,to dooooo 

427.  Midwife for sale.  Can deliver.

428.  My Swedish car broke down..

It's a real Saab story... 

429.  I’ve said it once and I’ve said it again.

And I’ve said it a third time. 

430.  Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo...

It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn't there. 

431.  In the sixties and seventies, Mick Jagger was 

constantly undergoing paternity tests, but it was like trying to get blood out of a stone. 

432.  How does a cucumber become a pickle? 

It goes through a jarring experience.

433.  What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree!

434.  What building in New York has the most stories? 

The public library! 

435.  What did one volcano say to the other? 

I lava you.

436.  What do you call a robot that takes the long way around?

R2 detour

437.  What did the left eye say to the right eye? 

Between us, something smells! 

438.  I'm addicted to having money in the bank, but now I'm suffering from withdrawals.

439.  The worst pub I've ever been to was called the Fiddle...

It really was a vile inn.

440.  Me to plastic surgeon:

"Have you ever been asked to do anything really unusual?"

Plastic surgeon: "No, but I have raised a few eyebrows." 

441.  I'm not a neat freak.  Just thought I'd clear that up.

442.  They call me Captain Obvious.  Why, do you ask?

Because I always state the obvious.

443.  My wife left me recently because I am a compulsive gambler.  

All I can think about is how to win her back.

444.  I was arrested in Jamaica for drug smuggling and soon had a trial. The worst thing about going on trial in Jamaica is, you usually end up with a dreadlocked jury. 

445.  What do you call a party with 100 midgets?

A little get together. 

446.   I hear that it's easier to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but it's harder to deter gents.

447.  I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.

I’m not really a mourning person.

448.  I would like to share a pun about the tropical birds who got stuck together but it's toucan fusing.

449.  Never challenge Old Man Death to a pillow fight unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions.

450.  Some people enjoy forcefully expelling air from their lungs, but I'm not a fan.

451.  Somebody just gave me a free air guitar.  No strings attached.

452.  What do you call a group of baby soldiers? 

An infantry.

453.  Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid?

Manuel.  He grew up to be a laborer.

454.  I donated a lot of money to disabled gymnasts in Eastern Europe this year. They contacted my bank to let me know that "the invalid Czechs were bouncing." It was great news ! 

455.  I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being by my side and my fingers, I could always count on them. 

456.  There was a knock at the door this morning.  I opened it and there was a threatening looking wash basin on the doorstep. I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."

457.  I was going to open a new funeral parlor but I realized it was quite an undertaking.

458.  Scientists have just revealed what they believe to be the leading cause of dry skin. 

Towels.

459.  I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning 

Being a sniper is awesome.

460.   I gave my sister away at her wedding.  I stood up and shouted, "She used to be a man !"

461.  A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I,told him that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer. 

462.  I contacted someone to replace the old wood on my floor.

I’m still waiting for a re-ply. 

463.  My girlfriend is fed up with my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said. 

464.  Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.

465.  If you would like to help with the restoration of our local jewelry store, please give us a ring.

466.  I went to my first Arsonist Support Group meeting last night. I lit up the room.

467.  Our neighbor said she wasn't having a baby any time soon, but contractions speak louder than words.

468.  My friend just got hired to be a human cannonball, but he quit before he got fired.

469.  What did the coffee say to the cream? It's really hard to espresso myself, but I like you a latte.

470.  I got a pet chicken, his name is Marco.

Marco Pollo. 

471.   I heard a good joke about Bill Clintons' wife. It was Hillaryious!

472.  The beaver said to the tree, "It's been nice gnawing you." 

473.  My wife got a face tattoo of her favorite Star Wars character. 

You should see the Luke on her face.

  

474.  Dad, are we a family of pyromaniacs?

Yes, yes we arson. 

475.  Procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow.

476.  If you throw a cat out of a car window is that considered kitty litter?

477.   I know several jokes in sign language. I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

478.  100 million people in this country are overweight but that's just a round figure. 

479.  I entered a contest where the grand prize was a large shopping center, but I lost.

I can't win the mall.

480.  The firefighters in Greece are making the fire worse...

You aren't supposed to use water on Greece fires.

481.  I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked passed the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips. 

I asked him, "Are you the Friar?" 

He replied, "No, I'm the chip monk." 

482.   I've decided to make my own beer.  I'll call it Responsibly, that way competitors will do all my advertising. Please drink Responsibly!

483.  Making a boat out of stone would definitely be a hardship.

484.  Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

485.  6:30 is the best time on the clock, hands down

486.  I won gold at a weather forecasting event.

I beat the raining champion. 

487.  My girlfriend borrowed a hundred dollars from me.  After three years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

488.   I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.

  

489.  I used to be afraid of gardening, but then I grew a pear.

490.  My daughter was so angry with me when I told her I got her piano lessons

That's when I found out she was prone to violins.

491.  I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”...

Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came. 

492.  My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago...

She just can’t seem to let it go.

493.  A new restaurant has opened in my town, serving the meat of exotic animals.  I just had the pelican.

It was delicious but the bill was enormous.

494.  Double negatives are a no-no.

495.  Call me crazy, but, I don't trust those drunks down at Guinness to be keeping track of the world's records. 

496.  My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.  

"And they're off!"

497.  My daughter doesn't get asked out as often as her friends. I think she feels outdated.

498.  I've never been married, but I've had a few near Mrs.

499.  A jellyfish walks into a hardware store and buys ten drills.

500.  Paper or plastic? 

Either, I'm bisacktual..

501.  I had a good joke about Jonestown, but apparently the punchline was too long.

502.  The first scientists to study fog must have been mistified.

503.  David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on.

Agent: Sure David. No hassle. 

504.  Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania? 

505.  Boxer: "Coach, my sparring partner called in sick, can I train alone today?"

Coach: "Knock yourself out." 

506.  Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

507.  I hate having to explain myself. Don't ask me why.

508.  I quit cold turkey last year. 

Been heating it up ever since.

509.  I just swallowed a dictionary..

It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

510.  I refuse to work with compost.  It's degrading.

511.  My wife and I split up over my constant use of horoscope puns...

In the end, it Taurus apart.

512.  I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m gonna try a fig.

514.  Wouldn't it be ironic to die in the living room?

515.  I'm not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors - too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

516.  The UPS guy was fired for joking around at work.

The boss said he had to work on his delivery

517.  What do you get when you combine a cow, a duck, a piece of wood, and a rhino?

Cow the duck wood rhino?

518.  Just bought crayons for the grandkids. 

I made sure to buy enough to make my kin scrawl.

519.  Some people don't think Justin is the prime minister of Canada.

It's Trudeau.

520.  Cows have hooves instead of feet because they lactose.

521.  I ordered a pillow case from a questionable web site.  Sure enough, as soon as I opened the package, I discovered it was a sham.

522.  I've already heard seven cancer puns today..

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

523.  I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise.

He shouted "what the Hellman!"

524.  Do you know any eye jokes? 

The cornea the better.

525.  You can see the blood in your veins if you look varicosely.

526.  I was forced to dress up in a half man, half horse costume.

I hate being the centaur of attention.

527.  Mr. Spock actually had three ears.  His left ear, his right ear, and a final front ear.

528.  Engineers recently developed polyethylene sails for boats. It's been clear sailing ever since.

  

529.  What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows.

530.  Why did they arrest all the pigeons in the city? 

They were afraid of a coo.

531.  If my wife was a Transformer her name would be Amazon Prime.

532.  The Earth means the world to me.

533.  I got mood poisoning.  Must have been something I hate.

534.  I have a twin brother with a lisp. He's the spitting image of me.

535.  Why did the priest giggle? 

Mass hysteria.

536.  I told my suitcases we're not going on vacation this year.  Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

537.  Bullets are really weird because they only do their job after they’re fired.

538.  A bomb went off in a clothing store...

Needless to say, there were many casual tees.

 

539.  The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards and I find that very hard to deal with.

540.  Yesterday I met Darth Vader's corrupt brother Taxi Vader.

541.  What do you call a chicken that looks at a salad?  Chicken sees a salad.

542.  Why won’t cannibals eat divorced women? 

They’re very bitter.

543.  My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother my uncle on my father's side.

But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.

544.  What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant

545.  Why does Santa go down the chimney?

It soots him.

546.  Don't ever join dangerous cults.  Practice safe sects

547.  We all know that the Big Apple is in New York...

But doesn’t anyone know where the Minneapolis?

548.   A hermit was pulled over by the police and charged with recluse driving.

549.  I flirted with disaster last night. 

Now, disaster won't stop texting me.

550.  Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

551.  The Ben & Jerry’s ice cream shop in Washington DC has a new flavor just in time for the holidays!

Peach Mint

552.  Norway and Swedish Naval fleets now equipped with bar codes.  

To Scandinavian when they return to port!

553.   People think I'm an idiot just because I'm a homeless man that asks people to debate with me.

I beg to differ.

554.  What do elves do when they get home from school? 

Gnomework.

555.  Why doesn't the sun go to college? 

It already has a million degrees.

556.  Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

557.  I just read a good book. Dash to the Outhouse by Willy Makeit and Betty Dont.

558.  Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

559.  A female janitor at my building asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.

I politely declined. I can't deal with high maintenance women.

560.  A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

561.  A smart phone and a firework were arrested last night. One was charged and the other let off.

562.  A funeral can be realfun.  If you're dyslexic.

563.  I lost my book on how to cure an itch.

I guess I'll have to start from scratch

564.  My aunt's star sign was cancer, so it's kind of ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

565.  I said to my wife, "The grandkids are spoiled." 

She said, "All little kids smell that way."

566.  If you've never played darts blindfolded, you don't know what you're missing.

567.  Why are low-carb diets so controversial ?

They go against the grain.

568.  Last night I slept under my car.  I wanted to get up oily this morning.

570.  I make sure to never fart in public.  I'm a private tooter.

571.  There was an earthquake in Washington DC this morning. 

It's obviously the government's fault.

572.  Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

573.  A man on a tractor has just driven passed me shouting, "The end of the world is nigh!"

It was Farmer Geddon.

574.  Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

575.  Why are frogs so happy?  They eat whatever bugs them.

576.  Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper?

Because he had little patients.

577.  Relationships are like algebra.

You look at your X and wonder Y.

578.  You could say it was an emotional wedding.

Even the cake was in tears.

579.  Would anybody like some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly? I’ve got a lot of back issues.

580.  Got a job at the new guillotine factory. I’ll beheading there shortly.

581.  I should give up my job at the library. I’ve had enough of this ssshhhhh.

582.  I have a pair of very tight rubber gloves for free if anyone wants to take them off my hands.

583.  I'm looking for a pun concerning carpentry. 

Does anyone know one that woodwork?

584.  My nickname in school was Scarface.

I was really good at knitting.

585.  I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never had the chants.

586.  I have finally come to grips with my poor behavior at an event last fall. I realize now that at the Oktoberfest party when they ran out of sausages, it really brat the wurst out in me.

587.  I love immortality jokes. They never get old. 

588.  A Thesaurus is great.  There's just no other word for it.

589.  Did you just stand there while I fell over and dropped all the laundry?!?

Yes, I watched it all unfold.

590.  Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. 

Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

591.  "I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.

592.  Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

593.  I occasionally enjoy leaning on things when I’m so inclined.

594.  Farting is your ass referring to itself in the turd person.

595.  I prefer to have my milk churned.  It’s butter that way.

596.  A cannibal came home late to dinner and got the cold shoulder.

597.  I went into a library today and asked if they had any books on shelves.

598.  How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?

Give her a couple of test tickles.

599.  Man with Coronavirus seeks women with Lyme disease..

600.  In high school, I studied abroad.

Her father almost killed me over it!

601.  I invested some money in a birth-control company but now I'm having second thoughts.

I'm considering pulling out.

602.  I am terrified of elevators.  I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

603.  My wife left me due to my obsession with pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

604.  Finland just closed their borders. 

I guess no one will be crossing the Finnish line.

605.  I met someone online who shares my fetish of urinating on dried fruit.

We’re going to go on a date next week.

606.  "Diana!" I said, greeting my mother-in-law.

She said, "My name's Anna."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

607.  A Pony with a bad cough is a little hoarse.

608.  Put my grandma on speed dial.  I call that Instagram.

609.  Nobody believed me when I told them I can chop down a tree just by looking at it, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

610.  It probably isn’t safe for me to be driving my car right now, but hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

611.  Yesterday I ate two pieces of string and they came out today tied together.  

I shit you knot.

612.  My boss said he is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

613.  Whenever my sister is crying, I always ask 

"Are you having a crisis?"

614.  I bet you can't name two structures that can hold water..

Well, dam.

615.  They've just found Gomer's Pile in Elton's John.

616.  If someone wants to say the word “motel” backwards, just letom.

617.  I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

618.  Why was 6 afraid of 7?  Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

619. I really need a diet plan that will take my breadth away.

620.  My wife is into expensive and rare perfumes. She has no common scents.

621.  My granddad used to be in the army until he ate all the rations. 

He was shot for desserting.

622.  Catholic Church releases new aftershave: 

Eau My God

623.  I bought a new shrub trimmer today and I must say, it’s cutting hedge technology.

624.  I've decided to try my hand at writing diet books.

I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience.

625.  Be a minimalist.  It's the least you can do.

626.  The wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff.  

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

627.  At the lizard school, which students would be the ones keeping order? 

The monitors.

628.  I just saw a girl who had a beautiful face, but a huge gut. What a waist!

629.  I bought a locket today and put a photo of myself inside.

Now I really am independent.

630.  Got a second hand book today, a guide to surgical procedures. 

Opened it up and the appendix was missing.

631.  What can one parrot do?  Not as much as toucan.

632.  What do you do if a maxipad catches fire?

Tampon it.

633.  I'm regretting hiding myself in a suitcase.  I just got carried away.

634.  Don’t stare at a glass of water. 

Take a pitcher it’ll last longer.

635.  What kind of award did the dentist receive?

A little plaque.

636.  Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?  He had no body to dance with.

  

637.  I like to have my pie first, then my salad, and then my entrée. 

I have a serious eating disorder.

638.  If you're a Repo Man, what you seize is what you get.

639.  If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear would Greece help?

640.  I know a lumberjack with a Ph.D 

He's a smart feller.

641.  My rabbi has a pH of 1.  He's an acidic Jew.

642.  Just wrote a book on how to increase the size of your basement. 

It's already a big cellar.

643.  I hope Elon Musk does not get involved in any major scandal.

Because Elon-gate will go on forever.

644.  How do you get down off an elephant? 

You don't, you get it from a duck.

645.  Women who like to iron find their pleasure in creases.

  

646.  I always avoid driving in HOV lanes because I don’t want to develop car pool tunnel syndrome.

657.  My wife and I bought a waterbed recently and since then, we’ve drifted apart.

658.  Do I think that education is getting too expensive?  To a degree, yes.

659.  You can’t plant flowers if you haven’t botany.

670.  If every letter “t” was silent, we’d never hear the end of it.

671.  It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

672.  I bet the butcher $20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. 

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

673.  Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution.

674.  Why did Kermit cross the busy road ?  

To Kermit suicide.

675.  I'm dating a bricklayer.

It's cement to be.

676.  A teacher at a school for obese children has been fired for taking cocaine. He was given away by his massive pupils.

677.  Why did the crab cross the road? 

It didn't, it used the sidewalk.

678.  If you're fat, and offended by fat jokes, lighten up.

679.  When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.

680.  The wife and I are going to drive from Dallas to Houston, just to see how long it Texas.

Ok, that joke was Austin-tacious.

681.  My temptation to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is never more than a whim away.

682.  What's the opposite of mini golf ? 

Macro polo

683.  I went to a fortune teller.  She said she had a headache, so I offered her some aspirin, medium strength.

684.  I said to my wife, “Did you hear my last pun?”

She replied, “I hope so!”

685.  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

686.  Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

687.  I used to own a Delorean but I only drove it from time to time.

688.  At their annual conventions, ornithologists tend to flock together.

689.  I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

690.  I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

691,  What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? 

"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle."

692.  I have a few jokes about unemployed people.

But none of them work.

693.  Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

694.  The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

695.  Shout out to people who don't know what the opposite of in is!

696.  If life throws you melons you might be dyslexic. 

697.  I make apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

698.  Dyslexics untie!

699.  Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me, it means a lot.

700.  Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed.

701.  I was addicted to soap. I'm clean now.

702.  When I found out that my microwave wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

703.  Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.

704.  What did the bra say to the hat? 

You go on a head while I give these two a lift.

705.  You know what makes me smile? 

Facial muscles. 

706.  What do you call a monkey in a mine field? 

A baboom.

707.  Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died. 

It's a huge weight off my shoulders.

708.  I buy my guns from a guy known as "T-Rex." He's a small arms dealer.

709.  For a song called Piano Man the dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up.

710.  Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.

711.  I'm no proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.

712.  My grief counselor died last week.  

He was so good I couldn't care less.

713.  Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who got stabbed? It was, umm, Reese, uh, Reese, um...

"Witherspoon?" 

No, with a knife.

714.  Just bought a top-of-the-line universal remote control. This changes everything. 

715.  I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.  The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it... 

716.  I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

717.  How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

718.  One of them is an elephant. 

719.  I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear, because I overheard him telling his colleague that I had, "Serious healthy shoes."

720.  That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.  It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end.

721.  I can't stand people who are indirect. You know who you are.

 722.  I just bought a gallon of White Out.  Big mistake.

723.  Someone called me pretentious the other day.  I nearly choked on my latte.

724.   A blind, deaf mute was arrested for homicide last night. It was a senseless murder.

725.  A Cannibal went for a walk in the woods and farted as he passed his Uncle.

726.  I know that wherever my dad is, he's looking down on me. 

He's not dead, just very condescending. 

727.  Why is it called the novel coronavirus? 

It's a long story.

728.  What's a mathematician's favorite kind of boob?

Quantitties. 

729.  Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change color? 

He had a reptile dysfunction. 

730.  What's a plumber's favorite recreational drug?

Butt-crack.

1.  Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.  You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

2.  I learn from the mistakes made by people who took my advice.

3.  I've been addicted to placebos for years now. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

4.  My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar.  Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

5.  Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?  To break on through to the other side. 

6.  At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?

7.  My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

8.  Apparently I snore so loudly it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

9.  The early bird gets the worm.  The second mouse gets the cheese.

10.  I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

11.  "The problem with quotes on the internet is you can never be certain they're authentic."

- Abraham Lincoln

12.  Don't be a racist, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, made by the Japanese, who speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew.

13.  Just watched an incredible documentary on cocaine. From now on, I'm watching all TV programs this way.

     

14.  Sorry I'm late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes not being here. 

15.  Don’t forget.  If you never sin, Jesus died for nothin’.

16.  My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep.  Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

17.  What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

18.  A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

19.  Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.   

20.  A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!" 

21.  Just once, I’d love to see a post game interview where the losing team blames Satan. 

22.  Which came first? The chicken or the egg?  Neither. The rooster came first. 

23.  Not even abstinence is 100% foolproof.  Just ask Mary. 

24.  My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. 

"We'll see about that!"

25.  A Scot was asked if he'd ever paid for a prostitute.

He replied, "Why take my quarters to the laundromat when I can stay home and do a load by hand?"

26.  Definition of Marriage: 

A way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before. 

27.  AOC has vowed to use only lower-case letters..

you know, to fight capitalism.

28.  I'll never forget my grandpa's last words...…

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

29.  A laywer fell overboard.  A shark swam around him, looked him in the eyes and swam away.

Professional courtesy. 

30.  If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

31.  Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

32.  You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

33.  I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.” 

34.  1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”?  20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh… 

35.  I know 5 people who are clinically insane.  I'm two of them... 

36.  Name fifty reasons you think I'm too demanding.

37.  I was going to post a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't think it was funny.

38.  What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

39.  I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. 

40.  Understanding women is like trying to nail Jello to a tree.

41.  I put my pet chameleon down on a paisley cloth and he had a nervous breakdown

42.  Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either. 

43.  A vagina is like the weather. When it's wet, it's time to go inside.

44.  Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!" 

45.  I lost all of my weed in a series of small fires. 

46.  I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn. 

47.  When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 

48.  If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. 

49.  Don't mess with old people, life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore. 

50.  About ten years ago, my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past. 

51.  After fifty years I still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

52.  Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon. 

53.  Why is it called a "prison compound" and not a "guilt complex"? 

54.  There are three types of people in this world.  Those that are good at math and those that are not. 

55.  5 out of 4 people are bad a fractions. 

56.  I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford. 

57.  George Washington was such a great president....

He never blamed any of the country's problems on the previous administration. 

58.  I bet you $100 I can stop gambling. 

59.  Give me ambiguity, or give me anything else. 

60.  Whatever you do, always give 100%. 

Unless you're donating blood. 

61.  I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "That is so me!"

62.  I have to wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the worlds best porn name on a basketball career. 

63.  I've decided to dedicate my life to getting prostitutes off the streets. But only for about an hour at a time. 

64.  Whenever I have to hire people, I throw half of the applications in the trash can..

I don't want to hire any unlucky people 

65.  Cashier in the grocery: “Would you like the milk in a bag”?

                                    Man: “No, just leave it in the carton”. 

66.  Just sold my best homing pigeon on eBay for the 15th time!

67.  My neighbor just told me he is a pathological liar. I don't believe him. 

68.  If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test.  I'd have 83 cents 

69.  I don't always contradict myself, but when I do I don't contradict myself.

70.  My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys. 

71.  Professor X: Whats your superpower? 

                     Me: hindsight

       Professor X: that isn't going to help us.

                     Me: yes, I see that now. 

72.  Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. 

73.  Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next."  I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 

74.    Wife: "You're addicted to skin lotion." 

           Me: "That's it, rub it in my face."''

75.  A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. 

The weirdo never showed up. 

76.  Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well. And he always had some mighty fine wine.

77.  My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious…

Or did she? 

78.  There are so many scams on the internet these days.  Send me $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them 

79.  Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.  Tickets are non-refundable. 

80.  You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose. 

81.  I don’t believe in astrology.  I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

82.  A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

83.  Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

84.  Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with.   They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening. 

85.  Life just handed me lemonade.  Not sure what to do. 

86.  Some people have trouble sleeping but I can do it with my eyes closed. 

87.  There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away. 

88.  Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas. 

89.  When someone says, "chicken pot pie" I get excited three times.

90.  I just invented a new word.

Plagiarism

91.  When checking out at the grocery store, I always pick the cashier who's most likely to have sex with me.   I always end up at the self-checkout.

92.  I thought my grandson would love that I bought him a trampoline, but he just wants to sit there and cry in his wheelchair. 

93.  I just like to sleep naked.  The stewardess could have been a bit more understanding. 

94.  Why did God create lesbians?

So feminists couldn't breed. 

95.  Potatoes can be boiled, baked or fried. On top of that they can be made into French Fries, Chips and Vodka.  It's like the other vegetables aren't even trying.

96.  What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A Seatbelt.

97.  I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ. 

But then I thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.

98.  Why do bulimics like KFC?  It comes with a bucket.

99.  You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

100.  My wife recently became a world famous porn star.

She’s gonna be really angry when she finds out

101.  Just say NO to drugs...

Well, if Im talking to my drugs Ive probably already said YES. 

102.  My wife accuses me of having a favorite child.  It's not true.  I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally. 

103.  Marriage is like playing bridge.  If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

104.  I was in the gym with my personal trainer when a smoking hot redhead walked through the door. I asked him what machine I should use to get in her pants.

He said the ATM in the lobby. 

105.  Aliens probably ride past earth and lock their doors. 

106.  Instead of "who's your daddy?", I accidentally said "how's your daddy?", and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol. 

107.  "Give it to me, give it to me, I'm so wet !" she said. But there's no way I was going to give her my umbrella. 

108.  What did Earth say to the other planets?  Wow you guys have no life. 

109.  Is forcing a prostitute to have sex rape or just shoplifting? 

110.  A guy with sign:will work for food. I gave him a coconut 

111.  I just got a personalized licence plate "BAA BAA."  It should look cool on my black Jeep.  It'll be so baaaadasss.

  

112.  I got approached by a prostitute today that said she would literally do anything for $10

Guess who just got their car washed?

113.  I slept like a baby last night.  I woke up screaming three times and shit myself twice.

114.  If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

115.  Got lost in my car and ended up at a cemetery and my GPS says "You've reached your final destination."

116.  I never drink unless I'm alone or with somebody.

117.  I like my coffee how I like myself: 

         Dark, bitter, and too hot for you. 

118.  When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up. 

119.  I don't like grudges. My dad kept grudges and I always hated him for it.

120.  Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree.  "I killed your friend. Here, hold him." 

121.  I call my weed "The Quran."  Because burning it will get you stoned. 

122.  I don't have a drinking problem.  It goes down just fine.

123.  Today was a terrible day.  My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver. 

124.  I just hate when I'm sending a text and then so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing off my windshield. 

125.  My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward. 

126.  The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise, but the fire trucks ruined it. 

127.  Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.

128.  I wear the pants in my family.  Right under my apron.

129.  I gave up smoking four months ago and needed something to do with my hands, so I went to an evening pottery class. The first thing they had me making was a damned ashtray.

130.  I was gonna buy a used boat but I decided to save time and just throw money directly into the ocean.

131.  I took a dyslexic girl back to my apartment.  She ended up cooking my sock.

132.  If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...

Would it even matter?

133.  My girlfriend said she'd only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

I can't wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

134.  At a recent job interview, the hiring manager asked me if I can perform under pressure.

I said no, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody. 

135.  Life is like a dick.  It gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be. 

136.  The hardest days of the week for me are the first five days after the weekend.

137.  My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.  I have to stay 500 feet away from her at all times. 

Also, the Judge said I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. 

138.  There's a girl I really like at my at my AA meetings. I'm trying to work up the courage to ask her out for a drink.

139.  My doctor told me I should give up drinking. It's been a week now and I feel really dehydrated.

140.  Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween. 

141.  Sure, I'll go to your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween Party.  I'll be coming as the invisible man. 

142.  What is the difference between California and the Titanic?

The Titanic had the lights on when it sunk.

143.  My love for you is like a candle.  If you forget about me I’ll burn your house down! 

144.  I don’t understand people who don’t like dogs.  Seriously, you probably didn’t use the right kind of sauce 

145.  If it weren't for the last minute I wouldn't get anything done.

146.  TripAdvisor.com is useless. I emailed them last night.  I only asked them if I would get a better high from LSD or a hit of acid. No Reply. Totally useless.

147.  DAM, Mothers against dyslexia.

148.  I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel.  I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.

149.  Just left my therapist's office.  She said I have a real problem interpreting everyday interpersonal situations.

I really think she was trying to hit on me.

150.  Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

151.  I used to be in a band called "Missing Dog." You've probably seen our posters.

152.   There’s a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.  The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together. 

153.  If you are driving a "Tesla" And it gets stolen, Now it is called an "Edison."

154.  I don't like people who take drugs.  Like Airport Security for example. 

155.  I do have initiative, I just need to be told when to use it.

156.  Not one person I ask is able to tell me what “idk” means. 

157.  "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" generally mean the same thing...except at funerals. 

  

158.  If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test? 

159.  Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?  There’s no menu.  You get what you deserve.

160.  What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

161.  I’m fed up with my mates, Three times now they have agreed to go to a Whitesnake concert with me and then not showed up.

Here I go again on my own.

162.  Life is like a box of chocolates...…...it doesn't last long for fat people.

163.  Just got kicked out of Home Depot.  Apparently, it's not proper to take their display toilet for a test run.

164.  What do you call a white girl without boobs?

Justin Bieber

165.  What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

166.  Life is like a bowl of soup.  You only get blown if you're hot.

167.  Yoga instructor: 

"Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber"?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

168.  I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves. 

Free, you racist bastard.

169.  Of course you can be anything you wanna be.  That's how delusions work.

170.  Surely, after all these years they can just call it Zealand now.

171.  I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe.

172.  I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.  He cried and gave me a big hug.

173.  “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

- Zach Galifianakis

174.  I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

175.  It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?

176.  Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

177.  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

178.  I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.

179.  Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

180.  I'm reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

181.  Why don't aliens visit our planet? 

Terrible ratings. One star.

182.  Aliens probably ride past earth and lock their doors.

183.  I just came up with a cure for anorexia.

It was a piece of cake

184.  When my boss asked me who is the stupid one

me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

185.  My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.

Now I have two girlfriends.

186.  My friend claims he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story and he's sticking to it.

187.  Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

188.  So many people these days are too judgmental.  I can tell just by looking at them.

189.  Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.  I see a lot of new faces here tonight.

190.  What does "reading comprehension" even mean?

191.  I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.  It was here a minute ago.

192.  I make a lot of typos when I text.  In my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

193.  Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven't met yet.

194.  I used to be a people person.  Then people ruined it for me.

195.  How much no more tears baby shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before they stop crying?

196.  I love you just the way you are, but I do have some suggestions.

197.  When I die, I want the word "humble" to be written in diamonds on my 20 foot statue made of solid gold.

198.  What idiot decided to call them veterinarians instead of dogtors.

199.  Now that my children are older they treat me like God.  They forget I exist and only approach me when they need something.

200.  I was in a serious relationship once.  We never even smiled.

201.  I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

202.  How long have I been working for the company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.

203.  I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

204.  Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

205.  Ibuprofen and aspirin are running in a race.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, prednisolone passes them and wins first place.

Ibuprofen looks at aspirin and mutters, "fucking steroids !"

206.  What kind of training do you need to be a garbage collector?

You don't, you just pick it up as you go along.

207.  Charles Darwin was wrong.  We're nothing like monkeys. I wish he was around now so I could throw feces in his face

208.  John Travolta was hospitalized for possible Coronavirus. Turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever. All is well.  He's staying alive.

209.  Went to see the doctor about my crippling fear of palindromes. The bastard put me on Xanax.

210.  I know a guy with one leg.  I never tease him about because he'll get hopping mad.

211.  The corona virus is like pasta.  The Chinese invented it, but the Italians are spreading it all over the world.

212.  We are looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex.

No weirdos please.

213.  I wonder if Whoopie Goldberg’s parents realized the irony when they made whoopie?

214.  I took a sexual harassment course recently. 

I think I'm going to be really good at it.

215.  It's all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and puffed rice. Next thing you know you're adding raisins and marshmallows...

It's a rocky road.

216.  I like to snatch kisses, and vice versa.

217.  Dirty Dave the flasher was thinking of retiring, but he decided to stick it out for another year.

218.  Nail salons, hair salons, tanning salons all closed. It's getting ugly out there.

219.  This year give Mom the gift of Microsoft Office.

Word to your Mother

220.  A man is staying in a hotel. He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”

The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”

221.  [Calling my ex] 

Me: Hey, so I really hate how I left things with you.

Her: Aww me too babe.

Me: So... yeah... can I come pick them up?

222.  English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

223.  Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.

It's when you put her in the trunk she freaks out.

  

224.  I was taking a nice little nap yesterday when this bitch decided to bounce off my windshield.

225.  I met the girl of my dreams the other day in the park and I couldn't stop crying.

Damn pepper spray.

226.  I have no idea why I walked into the short-term memory clinic today.

227.  Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie?  He thought he was getting LSD but ended up with quicker broadband.

And then became a Morman.

228.  I think my coworkers are gay.  Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

229.  The blue whale ejaculates 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only 10% enters the female. And you wondered why the sea tastes salty?

230.  "Space heater" is a pretty ambitious name.

How about "shin warmer?"

231.  Today, I saw an endangered animal eating an 

endangered plant. I didn't know what to do.

232.  My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

233.  My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for $2000

She must think I'm crazy!!

234.  A midget walks into the library and asks for a book on irony. The librarian says, "It's on the top shelf."

235.  I recently took up meditation.  It beats sitting around doing nothing.

236.  A nine year old girl disappeared after using a moisturizer that makes you look ten years younger.

237.  Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy then take them to the counter and ask them where the fitting room is.

238.  Friendship is like peeing yourself.  Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

239.  Her: Who are you and how did you get in here? 

         Him: I'm a locksmith and…I'm a locksmith.

240.  What did the penis say to the condom?  "Cover me. I'm going in."

241.  Just spent half an hour trying to get the wife's bra off. I should have never tried it on.

242.  My doctor diagnosed me with Compulsive Lying Syndrome, so I committed suicide yesterday.

243.  I just melted an ice cube by staring at it, but it took a bit longer than I thought it would.

244.  A talkative lady goes to the pet store carrying a parrot in a cage. She tells the clerk,"I bought this parrot over a week ago and it hasn't said a word."  Angrily, the parrot shouts, "I haven't had a fucking chance yet!"

245.  I just opened my electric bill and water bill at the same time and was completely shocked.

246.  I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.  At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

247.  I was never good at meth in school...or spelling.

 249.  When I was younger, my mom would give me $2 to go to the grocery store and I would bring a dozen eggs, bag of candy, gallon of milk, a box of tea and potato chips.

Can't do that now though with surveillance cameras.

250.  Brain? Encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? Protected by a thick bony cage.  Balls? Just hanging there, waiting to be smashed.

251.  I got one of those roof boxes for the car.  It's great, I can barely hear my kids now.

252.  DNA - National Dyslexia Association

253.  Billy Graham was my childhood hero.

Boy could that guy make crackers!

254.  What rock group has four men who don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore.

255.  Those "free hugs" people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

256.  I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong.  I mean, it's not rocket surgery.

257.  According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues.

258.  I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

259.  I once knew this girl who was so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party and woke up later with more clothes on.

260.  An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"

"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.

The mouse replies, "You ain't shitting me, are you?

261.  What do you call a man with horse shit up to his arm pit?

An Amish mechanic.

262.  Drinking at home instead of the bar isn't working out. Last night, I almost asked my wife for her phone number.

263.  Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

264.  My date last night was really awesome. We had a definite spark and pretty soon he was basically lying at my feet. I love my new taser.

265.  Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.

266.  What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious, duh.

267.  Sperm bank motto:

You squeeze 'em-we freeze 'em. Thanks for coming.

268.  Advertising slogan for an eyeglass company:

Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.

269.  My daughter reminded me that being older doesn't mean I'm always right. Sometimes, I've just been wrong for longer.

270.  Top 3 invisible things:

1)

2)

3)

271.  He: I'm a sadist

       She: I'm a masochist

       She: "Let's go to my place, I enjoy a spanking. How about it?" 

         He: "NO. Hahahahaha"

272.  The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

273.  If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.

274.  At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

275.  My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

276.  As an optimist, I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

277.  When I graduated from second grade I was so excited I cut myself shaving.

278.  You'll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

279.  My doctor told me "No heavy lifting."  Looks like I'll be sitting down to pee for a while.

280.  I have CDO.  It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order.

Like they're supposed to be.

281.  As I looked at my naked body in the mirror I thought to myself...

"I'm going to get thrown out of this IKEA any minute!"

282.  My blonde nineteen year old next door neighbor just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line?

I nearly shit her pants.

283.  My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size.  To cheer her up when she gets home from work I got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

284.  There once was a man from Peru 

Whose limericks stopped at line two.

285.  I met my girlfriend in an African language class.  

We just clicked.

286.  I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

287.  My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills.

I almost responded.

288.  My wife told me I need to quit playing Wonderwall on guitar.

I said maybe...

289.   How do they make BenGay ? 

Squeeze his little tube

290.  I love sleeping. It's like being dead without the commitment.

291.  My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" 

I said: "No, it doesn't."

292.  Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them. 

293.  I hate peer pressure and you should too.

294.  One piece of toast to another while having sex: 

"I'm going to crumb !" "I'm going to crumb !

295.  I remember the last thing my Grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

296.  I have something that's 12 inches long.  But I don't use it, as a rule.

297.  Opening a restaurant called 'Peace and Quiet,' where kids meals cost $150.

298.  Nice try Jehovah's witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn't going to get me to come to the door.

299.  I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

300.  The guy in charge of naming the bagpipes definitely just took one look at it and gave up.

301.  The best part about taking a good dump in the morning with the door open, is seeing everyone's face there at Starbucks.

302.  I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.

303.  I wanna get rid of this memory foam mattress, but it knows too much.

304.  As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked ”Are you going to put that up yourself?”

No you sicko, I'm putting it up in the living room.

305.  I'd call you a cunt, but you clearly lack the depth and warmth.

306.  Sometimes I go days without even thinking about the Alamo.

307.  What invention allows you to see through walls?

Windows.

308.  When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

309.  Trump's suicide attempt failed last night.  Fake noose.

310.  Why is suicide illegal in China?   It's considered destruction of state property

311.  My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the parking lot."

312.  If red wine is the blood of Christ there's no way way I'm drinking the white wine.

313.  I'm so stressed, I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called? 

Oh yeah, heroin.

314.       Me: Welcome to my man cave.

Proctologist: Please stop calling it that.

315.  I'm getting so old that dating women half my age is no longer illegal.

316.  Because my wife Lorain left me I was depressed and did some traveling. I stopped at a hippie/nudist camp and met a beautiful young lady with flowers in her hair who called herself Clearly. We hit it off pretty well, so I guess,

I can see Clearly now

Lorain is gone

 

317.  Sometimes at work, I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

318.  For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes.

319.  Facetious.  Because I like to use all the vowels, in order.

320.  I'm gonna stop procrastinating, some day.

321.  What do fat people like most about the internet?

The cookies.

322.   After my son's soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to a party. 

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

323.  I like older women because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

324.  90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

325.  I always take life with a grain of salt.  And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

326.  I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.

327.  Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

328.  Him: Where'd you get that black eye?

           Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.      

          Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

            Me: I did too.

329.  Doctor: [handing me my newborn baby]

“I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.”

Me: [handing baby back to him] “Then bring me the one my wife made.”

330.  What do you call a constipated detective?

No-shit Sherlock

331.  I was brought up by a pack of wild hyenas.  Times were hard, food was scarce, but we still had some great laughs

332.  As I watched my dog chasing his tail I thought "Gee, dogs sure are easily amused", then I realized I was watching a dog chase it's tail.

333.  Where do women mostly have curly hair?

In Africa.

334.  My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

335.  People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

336.  Steven Spielberg just announced he won't be doing any more shark movies. That's a real jaw dropper

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

337.  Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

338.  There's a term for Donald Trump.

Yup, just the one.

339.  You can't spell patriot without riot!

340.  Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service.

They will now be known as Knockers.

341. Millenials

Walking around like they rent the place

342.  Hollywood is taking climate change so seriously.  Vin Diesel just changed his name to Vin Solar.

343.  A pun, a limerick and a riddle walk into a bar.  No joke.

344.  Sad news, Caitlyn Jenner, died today after her long battle with testicular cancer.

345.  Bought a head of lettuce from a small corner Mama & Papas store but I didn't eat it cause all the leaves were brown.

346.  My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class.

I slid 20 dollars across the table and said, “What about now…?”

347.  I went to a deli and said, “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”  The kid behind the counter said, “Sorry, we only take cash or credit cards.”

348.  I said to my therapist, “I’m getting a gun because of my fear of birds.”  She replied, “I think you, might be getting carried away.”

I shouted, “Not without a fight, I’m not!”

349.  I'm not ashamed of who I am.  That's my parent's job.

350.  Male orgasms are similar to sneezing.  You need a tissue afterwards and you shouldn't do it in a stranger's face.

351.  Jesus went to a palm reader.  She told him his story was full of holes.

352.  It's been a tough year to be a woman named Karen.

353.  My pet mouse Elvis died today..

He was caught in a trap.

354.  What did the grammatically correct yodeler say?

Yodelay hee WHOM

355.   My last girlfriend was a model. Couldn’t find a real one.

356.  Me and my receding hairline? We go way back.

357.  I suddenly realized that I've never had an epiphany.

358.  Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?

Pretty nuts!

359.  To whoever stole my highlighter.

I will find you. Mark my words!

360.  It's bad luck to be superstitious.

361.  The first 40 years of my childhood were the hardest.

362.  I ain’t the brightest book in the shed. 

363.  Why did the chicken attend the séance?

To get to the other side.

364.  The ancient king ordered the astrophysicist to give a name for the 24 hour revolution period of the earth. The astrophysicist thought over, thought over and thought over for a long time but couldn't find a suitable name. Eventually he called it a day.

365.  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

366.  Without geometry, life is pointless

367.  How do make holy water? 

Boil the hell out of it.

368.  Me:"I tried to commit suicide yesterday."

Blonde: "Did it work?"

369.  Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

370.  What did one butt cheek say to the other? 

Together, we can stop this shit.

371.  Dwarf panhandler homemade sign:

No job. Too small

372.  I WILL NOT REST until I discover a cure for insomnia.

373.  I swallowed some Scrabble tiles by accident. My next crap could spell trouble.

374.  If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

375.  I'd like to start with chimney jokes. I have a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

376.  I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift. She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

377.  I went into a store to buy some insecticide. I asked the shopkeeper, "Is this any good for flies?" He said, "Not really, it kills them."

378.  People who say they're constipated are full of shit.

379.  Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

380.  Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

381.  I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

382.  Two spiders got engaged.  I heard they met on the web .

383.  Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

384.  Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage?

It was wrong on so many levels.

385.  When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children like the bottle says

386.  My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

387.  Have you heard about the movie "Constipation?

It hasn't come out yet.

388.  I'm emotionally constipated.  

I haven’t given a crap in days. 

389.  My instructor told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime.  

It must have been something I said.

390.  I sold my vacuum the other day.  

All it was doing was collecting dust! 

391.  What did the hammer say after his job interview?

Nailed it!

392.  I sell pies from my car.  $2 for apple pie.  $3 for pumpkin pie.

These are the pie rates of the car I be in.

393.  I recently bought a toilet brush.  To make a long story short, I'm going back to using toilet paper.

394.  Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth. 

395.  Damn girl are you a smoke detector?  Because you are super annoying and won’t shut up.

396.  Your proctologist called, they found your head.

397.  So I was going as Adam from Adam and Eve for a costume party. I went to a costume shop and asked the lady working there for a leaf to wear, so the lady brought out a leaf and I said, "bigger", so the lady brought out another leaf and I said "bigger" again, this went on a few more times and the lady finally came out and said, "Why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gas pump?"

398.  An engineer comes riding up to his engineer friend on a bicycle. The friend asks, "Where did you get the bicycle?" to which the first engineer replies, "I was walking and a woman rides up, jumps off her bike, rips off her clothes and throws them on the ground and says, take what you want." The second engineer says, "Good thinking, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

399.  There once was a man from Peru

          Who's limerick stops at line two.

400.  A middle school boy comes home crying.  His dad asks him,"What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied.  The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face."  

The boy then stated, "But, he's so cute!"

1.  When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.

2.  Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

3.  When Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally he came back with his shirt ironed.

4.  Chuck Norris has no hair on his testicles.  Hair doesn't grow on steel.

5.  Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to clear his sinuses.

6.  Physics is bound by the laws of Chuck Norris.

7.  Chuck Norris won a staring contest, with his eyes closed.

8.  Chuck Norris finished The Never Ending Story.

9.  When Chuck crosses the ocean, sharks hear the "Jaws" music.

10.  All men are created equal. Equally inferior to Chuck Norris.

11.  Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

12.  Bruce Springsteen calls Chuck Norris "The Boss."

13.  Chuck Norris can really kill someone with kindness.

14.  Chuck Norris can speak French, in Russian.

15.  Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.

16.  Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

17.  Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

18.  Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

19.  Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

20.  A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

21.  Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, people pick up the wrong phone.

22.  Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery without even buying a ticket.

23.  Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.

24.  When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

25.  When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

26.  If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's beef.

27.  Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

28.  If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.

29.  Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

30.  Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

31.  Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice. 

32.  Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the earth down.

33.  Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

34.  The ocean was once fresh water but Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty.

35.  Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

36.  Chuck Norris was born feet first. It's the only time a doctor has died during childbirth.

37.  Chuck Norris can skip water on a rock.

38.  China lets Chuck Norris search for porn on the Internet.

39.  Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris!

40.  Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death.

He beats it fair and square. 

41.  The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. 

It failed miserably! 

42.  Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

43.  When Chuck Norris does division...

There are no remainders!

44.  According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

45.  Trump says Make America Great Again. Chuck Norris says . "I already did."

46.  Chuck Norris can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

47.  Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass, at night.

48.  When Chuck Norris is in Rome, they do what HE does.

49.  Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one questions why.

50.  Chuck Norris doesn't own a house. He simply walks into random houses and people move.

51.  It only takes Chuck Norris 5 minutes to watch " 60 minutes".

52.  After reading these jokes, Chuck Norris said: "They make me sound like a pussy".

53.  When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor exclaimed, "It's a man."

54.  Chuck Norris is the only weapon allowed through airport security.

55.  Chuck Norris shot a man to death with a Nerf gun.

56.  Allstate gets insurance from Chuck Norris, because even Allstate needs to be in good hands.

57.  Trains stop at Chuck Norris crossings.

58.  Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret. 

59.  Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun, and won.

60.  Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table.

61.  When Chuck Norris enters a courtroom, the judge rises.

62.  Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

63.  Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

64.  Chuck Norris can make scissors beat rock.

65.  Chuck Norris completed 5 successful suicide missions.

66.  When Chuck Norris goes to the hospital the doctors check to see if THEIR underwear is clean .

67.  Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, but Chuck never cries.

68.  Chuck Norris once performed CPR, on himself

69.  Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with with one hand, while he's sitting on it.

70. Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

71.  A traffic cop once pulled over Chuck Norris. Chuck let him go with only a warning.

72.  Chuck Norris used a stunt double during crying scenes.

73.  Chuck Norris' parachute failed to open, so he took it back for a refund.

74.  Chuck Norris can get a blowup doll pregnant.

75.  Chuck Norris broke the law once. It still hasn't been fixed.

76.  Chuck Norris bowled a perfect game.

Using a golf ball.

77.  Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 5 seconds.

78.  Chuck Norris can order a pizza from McDonalds, and get one.

79.  At museums, Chuck Norris is allowed to touch the art.

80.  Chuck Norris can text using a rotary phone.

81.  Chuck Norris can eat soup with chopsticks.

82.  Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

83.  When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer.

You will score over 8000.

84.  Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move. 

85.  Chuck Norris has more Facebook friends than Facebook has users.

86.  Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. 

His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

87.  A Klondike bar would do anything for a Chuck Norris.

88.  Chuck Norris has actually heard the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher. 

89.  There used to be a street named Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody

crosses Chuck Norris and lives. 

90.  Why did Chuck Norris cross the road? You don't want to know. 

91.  Before they met Chuck Norris The Black Eyed Peas were just known as "The Peas."

92.  Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck only recognizes the element of surprise.

93.  If you don't laugh at a Chuck Norris joke he'll come to your house and make you laugh. 

94.  Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

95.  Chuck Norris tames mechanical bulls.

96.  When Chuck Norris was a kid, he took the bus to school... 

by carrying it on his back. 

97.  When Chuck Norris was born he cut his own umbilical chord.

98.  Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. 

He scares the shit out of it. 

99.  I was reading the Guinness Book of World Records.  Or Chuck Norris' diary, as they call it.

100.  Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

101.  Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. 

102.  Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. 

103.  Chuck Norris can drown a fish. 

104.  When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

105.  Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

106.  The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. 

107.  Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die. 

108.  Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. 

109.  A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 

110.  Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, 

No one fools Chuck Norris

111.  There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

112.  If at first you don't succeed you are not Chuck Norris. 

113.  When Chuck Norris was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

114.  Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

115.  Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire. 

116.  Chuck Norris was originally considered for the part of Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. However, the director realized that Chuck Norris cannot show the emotion of pain. He can only inflict it. 

117.  Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them. 

118.  When girls have sex with god, they scream CHUCK NORRIS!! 

119.  Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. 

120.  Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

121.  Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

122.  The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears 

123.  Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. 

124.  Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

125.  Chuck Norris drinks alcohol with all his meds.

And he machine washes any god damn thing he wants.

126.  If Chuck Norris is late time better slow the fuck down.

127.  Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in manslaughter.

128.  Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women than most men.

129.  As a small child Superman wore Chuck Norris pajamas. 

130.  Chucks Norriss' daughter lost her virginity last night.  This morning he went out and got it back

131.  Chuck Norris can stain stainless steel. 

132.  Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.

133.  Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

134.  Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

135.  Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.

136,  Chuck Norris can grate fresh parmesan cheese on his beard.

137. Chuck Norris sorts his laundry into three loads: light, dark, and bloodstained.

138.  Even the Dos Equis "most interesting man" looks up to Chuck Norris.

139.  Chuck Norris changed his own diapers when he was a baby

140.  Chuck Norris uses all 7 letters in Scrabble. 

Every turn.

141.  Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that's your present from Chuck.

142.  Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?  No one has ever dared to ask him.

143.  Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees. 

144.  Chuck Norris gives the sun cancer.

145.  Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on Chuck's ear.

146.  Chuck Norris doesn't have sex because nobody fucks with Chuck Norris.

147.  A long, long time ago, Chuck farted. Scientists now call this "The Big Bang Theory."

148.  Chuck Norris can make a happy meal cry.

149.  When Chuck jumps on a Tempurpedic mattress, the glass of wine falls over.

150.  When Chuck swims in the ocean, the sharks are put into a steel cage. 

151.  When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris. 

152.  When Chuck Norris shops on black Friday, the mob buys him gifts.

153.  Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands.  Now they're just called "The Islands."

154.  Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.  We call the descendants "Giraffes" now.

155.  Chuck Norris can spit through bulletproof glass.  

156.  When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have teddy bears. He had real bears.

157.  Chuck Norris won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.

158.  Some guys piss their name in the snow.  Chuck Norris pisses his name into concrete.

159.  Chuck Norris can walk on water. He's not Jesus, the water is just afraid of getting him wet.

160.  Chuck Norris teaches math to solve its own problems.

161.  Chuck Norris takes care of his guardian angel.

162.  Chuck Norris rubs two pieces of fire together to make wood.

163.  Chuck Norris is so fast that when he runs, he can see his back.

164.  Chuck Norris pities Mr. T.

165.  Chuck Norris can play the saxophone... while holding his breath.

166.  Trains stop at Chuck Norris crossings.

167.  Despite popular belief, there is no such thing as a tornado.

Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.

168.  I really think Chuck Norris is fake 'cause if he were real he'd come here right now and smash my face into my keyboaraoebdbfjvjdblgoirugsvdkf

169.  Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

170.  As a boy, when Chuck left for school, he would say "Dad, you're the man of the house while I'm gone."

171.  Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy.

He answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. 

It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

172.  As a child, Chuck Norris molested a priest.

173.  How do you contact Chuck Norris? 

Send e-mail to gmail(at)chucknorris.com

174.  Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

175.  Chuck Norris once had a job as a lumberjack in the Mojave Forest.

176.  Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

177.  Santa leaves out cookies for Chuck Norris.

178.  What's a good name for a 1200 lb Texas Longhorn 

bull?

Chuck Norris

179.  When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, 

his own reflection won't look him in the eye.

180.  Guns are warned not to play w/ Chuck Norris!

181.  Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for crying scenes. 

 

182.  If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance." 

1.   My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream.  She asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She jokingly replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Alright, pour me a glass.

2.  My wife made me into millionaire.  I was a multi-millionaire before we met. 

3.  My big booty cock gobbler left me because she hates her nickname.

4.  My wife left me because I never stand up for myself. 

OK, fair enough.

5.  My wife is so fat that she tripped and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up. 

6.  My wife left me today because I'm too insecure.

... Oh wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea. 

7.  My wife was always so angry at me for having no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right...

8.  My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

9.  I've had to agree with my wife so many times my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.

10.  Essential 5 words for a healthy relationship with your wife: "I apologize" and "You are right."

11.  Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.

Son: Are you gay?

Father: No, son. I have a wife.

12.  Losing a wife can be difficult.  But with a little hard work you can do it.

13.  I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today.  She thinks I'm digging a pond.

14.  The wife and I broke up yesterday. 

I don't know what went wrong between me and Fat Ass.

15.  I bought my mother-in-law a chair for her 50th birthday, but the wife won't let me plug it in.

16.  My wife is playing hard to get. Rid of.

17.  My wife says I keep pushing her buttons.

She's right: I'm looking for the mute button.

18.  My wife is an angel. 

She's always harping about things..

19.  My wife is so ugly she spent five hours in the beauty salon.

Just getting a quote!

20.  My wife says I only have two faults. Number one is that I don't listen and some other stupid shit she was rambling about.

21.  How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

22.  I miss my wife's cooking.  Every chance I get.

23.  My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side...so I crashed the car, burnt dinner and completely ignored her all night for no reason.

24.  My wife was going wild in the sack last night.  I eventually had to get up and let her out of it.

25.  My wife is threatening to leave me because I exaggerate too much.

I was so shocked I nearly tripped over my penis.

26.  I married a nymphomaniac. 

Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

27.  I've bought the wife a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day.

The hoover is as good as new now.

28.  My wife suddenly stopped and said, "You weren't listening at all, were you?"

I thought to myself, "'Man, that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

29.  The only thing my wife and I have in common, is that we got married on the same day

30.  My wife asked me to get something to put on the pancakes. She was very upset when I brought back a bra.

31.  I haven't spoken to my wife in years.  Don't get along?  No, I just don't want to interrupt her.

32.  I got a truck for my wife awhile back.

It was the best trade I ever got.

33.  I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" 

So I bought her nothing.

34.  My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient.

I can’t wait.

35.  My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her.

I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it on her grave.

But first, I filtered it through my kidneys.

36.  My wife and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other.

We’ve been awake since Friday

37.  My wife stormed into the bar last night as me and the boys were downing shots of tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

38.  My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't quit drinking.

I told her to put it down in writing.

39.  My wife told me she has an orgasm every time

she sneezes. I asked "What are you taking for it?" She said "pepper."

40.  The only time my ex-wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

1.  I don't know anything about battered women.  But they sound delicious.

2.  Google is definitely a woman.   It starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.

3.  Say what you like about women but being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument, takes talent. 

4.  Why do men have penises? 

They have to shut women up somehow.

5.  Life is a lot like a penis - soft, relaxed and hanging free... then a woman makes it hard.

6.  Why did the blonde move to LA?

It is easy to spell. 

7.  What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? 

A woman that won't do what she's told.

8.  Women and rocks are very much alike. 

We skip the flat ones.

9.  Living with a woman is a lot like farting. If you push too much, you’re really going to wish you hadn’t.

10.  Women are like computers. You never really appreciate them until they go down on you.

11.  Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.  Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life. 

Because elephants never forget.

12.  The female praying mantis devours the male minutes after mating while the female human prefers to stretch it out over his lifetime.

13.  Why are most archeologists women?? They love digging up the past.

14.  Worlds shortest joke -

"Two women are sitting quietly"

15.  If you don’t think sexism is alive and well today, you’re as dumb as a woman.

16.  Why do men have two heads and women four lips?

Because men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

17.  My wife asked me to help indulge her fetish of covering herself in cake flour, butter, and eggs. I had to say no. 

I was taught it's wrong to batter women.

18.  Jokes about menstruation aren't funny.  Period.

19.  What do forklifts and women have in common?

If you don’t have one, you have to unload by hand.

20.  Women on their periods always ovary act. 

21.  A lot of women actually turn into good drivers, so if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning. 

22.  For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes.

23.  Why do women have orgasms?  Just another reason to moan, really.

24.  Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside them.

25.  What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?  Sex.

26.  How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dong.

27.  If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

28.  If you are really bored, phone a women's' rights group and ask to speak to the man in charge.

29.  Next time a woman tries to defend her insane weight gain with, "Well, I've had two children."

Reply with, "For what? Breakfast?

1.   I bought a Muslim sex doll.  She blew herself up.

2.  In Canada you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.

Those damn mooselimbs.

3.  I used to think all black people had boomboxes.  Then I realized that was just a stereo type.

4.  If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?

5.  What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter.

6.  Girls in Thailand are like a box of random chocolates. You never know which one has nuts.

7.  Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.

8.  I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend. I had to drop the bomb a couple of times before she got it.

9.  A black guy goes on Antiques Roadshow with a very rare vase.  Hugh Scully asks, "How did you acquire the vase?" 

The black guy says, "It was handed down to me."

Hugh Scully, "Where from?" 

The black guy replies, "An upstairs window." 

10.  Really love my 19th century gold pocket watch.

My Jewish grandfather sold it to me on his deathbed. 

11.  Why don't black people go on cruises? 

Because they're not falling for that again. 

12.  What do black guys have that's twice the size 

of white guys, and gets bigger every time they touch a woman? A criminal record. 

13.  A black guy at work asked where the colored printer was. I said, "It's 2019, you can use any printer you want." 

14.  Did you hear about the Mexican racist? 

He joined the Que, que, que. 

15.  My friend had surgery to change himself from Asian to Caucasian. He said it was an eye opening experience.

16.  Why did they demolish the sports stadium in Warsaw? Because nearly everywhere you sat, you were behind a pole.

17.  Drunk Muslim:

Mohammered

Muslim comedian:

Mu ha ha ha med. 

Most popular kids show in Middle East:

Dora the Exploder. 

Muslim shrink:

Terrorpist

Sexy Muslim girl:

G-hottie

Unemployed Muslim:

Bin Laidoff 

Muslim alcoholic: 

Allah Vabeer 

18.  Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?  He had locomotives.

19.  My doctor told me I was Xenophobic I told him I probably caught it from some damn lousy foreigner.. 

20.  What do you call an East Indian dating site? 

Connect the dots. 

21.  I'm going to tell a Mexican joke now.

I hope it's a good Juan. 

22.  A man got arrested in Walmart today for punching an African woman at the register. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.

23.  Sandeep, the Indian wife beater, hits his wife every night at 7 p.m.

On the dot.

24.  What do Mexicans do when they get cold? 

They use chicken fajitas.

25.  My girlfriend left me for a Hindu guy. Oh well, he'll treat her better.  They worship cows.

26.  I asked my North Korean friend how it was there,

He said he couldn't complain. 

27.  I don't consider myself a racist, but I put chocolate milk in the back of the fridge. 

28.  Break ups in China are the worst.

You see your Ex`s face everywhere...

29.  Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?

Something inside me says yes.

30.  Did you hear about the Mexican racist?

He joined the que que que. 

31.  Last night I was gonna surprise my Korean wife with a romantic meal, but someone let the cat out of the bag. 

32.  Roses are red Violets are blue, Where is my foreskin oh wait I'm a Jew!

33.  Why isn't there democracy in North Korea? 

Because every time they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle.

34.  We went to a very authentic Mexican restaurant last night. They bring you a glass of water then warn you not to drink it.

35.  What are Jehovah's Witnesses' favorite dessert? 

Ding-Dongs

36.  What do you call a Chinese Billionaire? 

Cha Ching!

37.  How does a Mexican cut their pizza?

Lil' Caesars 

38.  I accidentally spilled coffee on a Hindu lady's

dress. I told her I was very sari.

39.  What do you call an East Indian dating site? 

Connect the dots.

40.  Chinese kid was born before the due date.

His parents named him Sudden Lee.

41.  What do Japanese kids snack on? 

Anime crackers.

42.  What do you call a muscular Arab prince? 

Protein Sheikh

43.  Just met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee.

Brocco Lee

44.  Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit....

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

45.  I’ve been saying “Mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.

It means a lot to them.

46.  What do Japanese cannibals eat? 

Raw men.

47.  I asked my wife if she wanted takeout tonight.  She said, "Are you talking Chinese?"

I said, "No, did I sound like a China man?"

48.  I hit a pole with my car late last night. The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak Polish so I just kept driving.

49.  A Mexican magician says that he'll disappear on the count of three.

"Uno... dos..." POOF!

He disappears without a tres.

50.  What  do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales

with a country singer? Arriba McEntire

51.  It's tough doing inventories in Afghanistan due to the tally ban.

52.  I just got fired for making too many Asian jokes. Oh well, there goes my Korea.

53.  There's a new cosmetic surgery that makes you look like an Eskimo. You might wanna look Inuit.

54.  If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian then Soviet.

1.  If smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do? 

2.  Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look.

3.  Do you smoke pot? Because weed be cute together.

4.  In his college years Jesus could turn oregano into weed.

5.  What do conservatives call medicinal marijuana? 

Medi-sin

6.  The cops say they burn all the weed they confiscate.

That would explain the doughnuts.

7.  Her: Hey babe, did you pick up weed & feed for the yard?

      Me: Ok bad news first, I completely misunderstood you.

      Her: What’s the good news?

      Me: Have a brownie.

8.   I call my weed "The Quran" because burning it will get you stoned. 

9.  Why do they call it a roach clip?  Because pot holder was already taken

10.  What type of weed do lizards smoke ?

Mariguana

11.  I just added sugar to my marijuana to sweeten the pot.

1.  The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is, you know what? Never mind. It’s fuckin’ fine.

2.  Welcome to National Sarcasm Society.

Like we need your support.

3.  National Apathy Society

Become a member, or not.

We don't give a shit either way.

4.  Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

5.  I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meetings.

But all the seats were taken.

6.  The first rule of The Condescending Club is pretty complex and I don't think you would understand it even if I explained it to you.

 1.  Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

2.  I and I alone can cure bloated egos.

3.  Hello, you've reached 1-800-NARCISSIST.

How can you help me? 

4.  I have a superiority complex. I'll wait while you look that up.

5.  You know what's really great about being a narcissist?

Me.

6.  My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

7.  My wife said I'm full of myself.  Anyway, enough about her.

8.  People call me self centered.  But that’s enough about them.

1.  What's the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke. 

2.  Your mama is so ugly she fell asleep on the beach and the tide wouldn't even take her out. 

3.  Your mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles traffic slows down. 

4.  My favorite sex position is called WOW.  It's where I flip over your MOM and she has her legs in the air.

5.  What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef. 

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? 

Your mom.

6.   Every “your mama” joke has been done thousands of times by thousands of different people. 

Just like your mama.

 1.  How many tennis players does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

"What do you mean it was out?"

2.  How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna go for a bike ride ?

1.  My sex life is like COVID-19

I don't have COVID-19

2.  Why is it called the novel coronavirus? 

It's a long story.

3.  I just bought a new car.  Should I fear getting the car-owner virus?

1.  My coworker can no longer attend next week's Innuendo seminar, so I have to fill her slot instead.

2.  I went to the innuendo club meeting.  They thanked me for coming.

3.  I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos.

But it's hard, so hard.

1.  What's the ideal weight for a lawyer?

About five pounds, including the urn. 

2.  A lawyer fell overboard.  A shark swam around him, looked him in the eyes and swam away.

Professional courtesy. 

3.  Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 

4.  If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s. 

5.  What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? 

His partners.

6.  Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the accident on the other side.

  1.  A sandwich walks into a bar.

Bartender says; "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

2.  A pair of jumper cables go into a bar and asked for drinks. 

Bartender says "Okay, but don't try to start anything."

3.  Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar, 

but they didn't planet that way.

4.  A perfectionist walked into a bar..

Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

5.  A raisin, a peanut, and an oat order a drink. The bartender says, “What do you think this is, a granola bar? “

6.  A weasel walks into a bar. 

Bartender asks, "What can I get ya?" 

"Pop", goes the weasel.

7.  A soccer ball rolls into a bar. 

The bartender kicks him out.

1.   My son asked me what it's like to be married.  I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

2.  I never knew true happiness until I got married. By then, it was too late.

3.  Every once in a while I look at our marriage license.

I'm still looking for a loophole.

4.  Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. 

Coincidence?

5.  Do you know why divorce is so expensive?

Because it's worth it .

6.  I was mugged on the way home last night.  Pointing a knife at me he said, "Your money or your life."  I told him I was married so I have no money nor a life. We hugged and cried together. It was a beautiful moment.

7.   I’m considering removing my dog’s tail.  My mother in law comes next weekend and I intend to get rid of anything that would give her the impression that she is welcome.

8.  I have a soft spot for my Mother-in-Law.  It's been freshly dug in the garden behind the garage.

1.  Does anyone know where I can register to become a sex offender?

2.  I named a horse My Face and entered him into a race just to hear people scream, "Come on my face!"

3.  I once threw a surprise bukkake party for my wife.

     Everyone came.

     You should have seen her face.

4.  I gave my wife an orgasm.  She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.

5.  I thought my wife would be happy that I had "I love you" tattooed on my penis. Now she says, "Stop putting words in my mouth."

6.  My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!"  Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.

7.  I told the wife I was so stressed, that only a blow job would help. She asked me where I thought I was going to find a dick to suck this time of the day.

8. What’s it called when a flower gives head?

Floral

  

9.  To all you mother fuckers, happy fathers day.

10.  Ever have sex while camping?   It's fucking in tents.

11.  Planned Parenthood having weekend BBQ.

Third trimester baby back ribs.

12.  A rental car ran over my foot today. Fucking Hertz!

13.  My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends. 

But I better get this shit off my chest.

14.  What did Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common? 

They both had a 10 year old crack addiction.

15.  Did you hear about the new lesbian tennis shoe called Dike? 

It has an extra long tongue, and it only takes one finger to get it off. 

16.  When my Hindu girlfriend told me she wanted me to give her a facial, I nearly came on the spot. 

17.  What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never had a lentil on my chest.

18.  What does a leper say after having sex with a prostitute?

“Keep the tip.” 

19.  I tried to start a support group for people with sexual dysfunction... Nobody came. 

20.  What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?

Gladiator! 

21.  I was sexually active at 12.  But now it’s 12:15 and my arm is killing me. 

22.  What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys? 

Rhesus pieces. 

23.  There once was a man from Nantucket.

You all know the rest so fuck it.

24.  I can't believe my girlfriend stole a massive dildo from a sex shop without me noticing!

I didn't know she had it in her. 

25.   What's the difference between a hobo and a homo?  A hobo has no friends, but a homo has friends up the ass.

26.  Two condoms are walking down the street.  They stop outside a gay bar.  One condom turns to the other and says, “You wanna go in and get shit-faced?” 

27.  What type of bird gives the best head? 

A swallow.

28.  The other day I suggested that my uptight girlfriend should try masturbating with fruit.  She went fucking bananas.

29.  My mother-in-law is coming this weekend.  

If I can find that G-spot.

 

30.  What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick into your ass. 

31.  Dating women is like squaring numbers.  If they’re under 15, just do them in your head.

32.   I beat my wife at Domino's the other night.  I was going to wait until we got home, but the bitch dropped the pizza.

33.  My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation

I’m always trying to pull a fast one. 

34.  I couldn’t get my wife to spit or swallow, but last night with the help of a straw she was able to succumb.

35.  I came into a large sum of money recently.  Which is weird, because I normally just use paper towels.

36.  What do women and police cars have in common?

 They both make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming.

37.  I had sex with a smoking hot chick last night.  Got to the scene before the fire department.

38.  Remember, you can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(I think the wordplay here is genius: adverTI semen TS.  I'd like to shake the author's hand, after he washes it.)

39.  The other day I went to a paraplegic strip club.  The place was crawling with pussy.

40.  What do whores do on their days off?  Spend their fucking money

41.  If you poop your pants, it's not just a shitty situation. It's a fecal matter.

42  I put the semen in amusement.

43.  What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christoper Walken

44.  I didn't know what to wear to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting, so I just came in my pants.

45.  I knew a girl in college who would sleep with guys for free Adderall. She was a real attention whore.

46.    I was nervous no one would come to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting. Luckily, everyone came earlier than expected!

47.  Name the operation that turns a woman into man.  Addadictomy.

48.  I dated a female dentist once.  She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

49.  My friend told me if I put the end of my penis in ice water, my balls would stop itching. Cool tip !

50.  I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop and nobody came. 

51.  I always have a box of tissues near my computer.  I cum prepared.

52.  New sperm bank opened up in town. Its called "Get a load of this guy."

53.  Guess all those years of phone sex have finally caught up with me, now I have hearing aids.

54.  Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?  They always punch up the fuckline.

55.  I'm in a band called Dyslexia.  We've just released our greatest shit album!

56.  Is your name Jingle Bells? Because you look like you go all the way.

57.  How does herpes leave the hospital?  On crotches.

58.  What do you call a boner you get during a funeral?

Mourning wood.

59.  What infection can you get from having nasal sex? Sniffilis

60.  Our neighbor mated a bulldog with a shih tzu.  I know what you're thinking, that's bullshit.

61.  I just sprayed Febreeze in my bathroom.  Now it smells like shitrus.

62.  The men's room is where all the dicks hang out.

63.  What do you call a vegan lesbian? A vagitarian.

64.  Our town organized a competition to find out who is the best contortionist. 

My friend entered himself and won.

65.  There’s no home cooking in lesbian households...

Only eating out

66.  What did the homeless man get for christmas? 

Nothing.

67.  The best part of being a pathological liar is having an 11-inch cock.

58.  I went on a roller coaster and the woman next to me couldn't stop screaming.  Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.

59.   What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

60.  Has anyone ever said to Karen Carpenter, would it kill you not to eat so much? 

61.  Had sexual harassment training today.  

Wasn't bad at all.

The instructor had huge tits.

62.  I caught my girlfriend cheating on me with our Dad. 

63.  My favorite position is the JFK. 

That's where I splatter all over her and she screams and tries to get out of the car. 

64.  Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"

         Candidate: "Honesty." 

       Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." 

         Candidate: "I don't give a fuck what you think."

65.  Why is it so hard for women to go pee in the morning?

Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich? 

66.  What's better that winning the Special Olympics? 

Not being retarded

67. Most sex jokes go too far.  I mean, cum on people!! 

68.  Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men?   He thought they were a delivery service. 

69.  Say "I won a math debate" really fast. 

70.  For my next trick, I need a condom, and a volunteer. 

71.  Titties are like the sun.  You can only stare at them a few seconds.  

Unless you put sunglasses on.   

72.  If someone hates you for no reason give that motherfucker a reason. 

73.  What’s the difference between a white gerbil and a brown gerbil?

The white one got away. 

74.  How do you make a dead baby float? 

2 scoops of ice cream, one dead baby.

75.  What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common?

You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit

76.  How do you know that you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows.

77.  Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks.

Lay thine eyes upon it and thou shalt see that it is barren.

78.  What's the difference between a bag of coke and a baby?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window

79.  What's the best thing about having a penis?  Sharing it with people who don't have one!

80.  It really annoys me when people put swear words at the end of their joke just to make it funny. 

Fucking idiots.

81.  My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.  I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there.  

Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward. 

82.  What’s 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P?

A really good shit.

83.  My wife came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?" I said "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

84.  Last year I caused over 1000 ejaculations.  Singlehandedly.

85.  My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I put her in the back seat of a Mercedes and drove into a wall.

86.  Don't you hate it when your cleaning out your freezer and find people you don't even recognize?

87.  What's long and hard and has cum in it? 

A cucumber.

88.  Studies show that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.

89.  I have to admit that kids are a great gift, but I still prefer to play with the box they came in.

90.  Scientists are now using welfare mothers for experiments, not mice. This is because welfare mothers multiply faster and you don't get attached to them.

91.  What do pussy and cigarettes have in common?

The flavor changes when you get closer to the butt.

92.  How many necrophiliacs does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.

93.  How much jizz can Monica Lewinsky hold in her mouth?

1 US leader

94.  The ladies scream when I tell them I've got a 12 inch horse cock...

They run away when I take it out of the freezer.

95.  I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean

Nobody told me you're supposed to eat it.

96.  Honey, why are the broken condoms on the couch?

Please call our kids by their real names, dear.

97.  As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. 

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet.

98.  Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate, motherfucker.

99.  "Excuse me," I said to the woman sitting in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." 

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

100.  I went to the sperm bank but no one was there.  I think I came too early.

101.  How is a toddler like a cell phone?  If you can't find it in three days, it's probably dead.

102.  I called that Rape Advice Line.  Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.

103.  I received my new ejaculating dildo in the mail.  It came in a box... 

104.  You know that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?  It's for dickheads.

105.  I wrote a joke about a clitoris but forgot it.  Damn, it's on the tip of my tongue.

106.  I had a fight with an erection today. 

I beat it single-handedly

107.  What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?

A beaver dam.

108.  I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me now. 

But nooooooo, the bitch is still alive.

109.  Aldi sells their own brand of nuts.

Be sure to try out Aldi's nuts. 

110. Where do horses go when they get sick? 

The horse-pital.

Just kidding, they get shot,

111.  Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast.

112.  Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

113.  Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.  I’m not fucking lying.

114.  Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?  It's fucking close to water.

115.  Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?  Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald. 

116.  Bill Cosby likes pudding.

Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong. 

117.  My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. 

I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

118.  My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension..

She said she just can't take it any longer. 

119.  What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF File.

120.  I use moisturizer daily, especially when I'm Jergen off. 

 121. I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life, then turned around and the toilet was empty. 

Needless to say, I completely lost my shit.

122.  Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Ass skin for a friend.

123.  What is the speed of a lesbian? 

Lickity Split.

124.  What does it mean when two lesbians make love? 

It doesn’t mean dick.

125.  I overdosed on Viagra once.  It was the hardest day of my life.

126.  What's better than a cold Bud?  A warm Busch. 

127.  My premature ejaculators meetings were going so well, I decided to stop coming.

128.  What do the Mafia and vaginas have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit. 

129.  What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

130.  Condoms?  Ha! Those are for pussies.

131.  I teach mentally challenged children.  They're all a different races, creeds and colors. Or as I like to call them, 'mixed vegetables'.

132.  I had to close my brothel. The customers just stopped coming.

133.   I never hold my farts in. Only assholes do that.

134.  My doc told me I was getting a little chubby.  I’m surprised he noticed it through my jeans.

135.  My dick had a hard attack.  Which led to a stroke.. 

136.  Did you hear about the leper who attempted to beat the world masturbation record?

He pulled it off! 

137.  If groping your man in the middle of the night doesn't turn him on, maybe doing it in the morning would. 

138.  Strippers are required to report all money that has jizz on it.

Because it's gross income.

139.  My boss touched me inappropriately at work today.

It's okay though, I'm self-employed. 

140.  My wife said my cursing has gotten out of hand.  I'm pretty sure I've got it under cunt roll.

141.  Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators. From this, we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new.

142.  What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?

When you finger her, you get your palm red for free. 

143.  I just found an origami porn channel, but it's paper view only.

144.  Want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? 

Tough shit, I forgot it.

145.  What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts. 

146.  Rosie O'Donnell is dead. She was found floating face down in Ricki Lake.

147.  How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.

LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.

148.  What do incestous hillbillies do on Halloween 

Pump kin.

149.  Bill Clinton is no longer playing the saxophone. He is now playing the whore-Monica.

150.  The waitress asked if I wanted a fork or spoon with my dessert, I said I only spoon after a good fork. 

151.  I recently joined a nudist colony.  The first few days were the hardest 

152.  Want to hear a joke about my dick?  Nevermind, it’s too long.

153.  My friend told me he lost twenty pounds after one visit to the bathroom.

Turned out he was full of shit. 

154.  Ok, I admit it! I masturbate with soap.  That’s me coming clean. 

155.  Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye.  Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit. 

156.  How many animals can fit in a pair of pantyhose? 

A couple calves, an ass, ten little piggies, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find!

157.  My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.

158,  You can't say happiness without saying penis.

159.  Why was the two-piece swimsuit invented? 

To separate the hairy from the dairy.

160.  Is buttcheeks one word?  Or should I spread them apart?

161.  Why doesn't any man need more than 1 rooster? 

A cock a dude'll do.

162.  My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

163.  Whenever my wife refuses me sex I just take matters into my own hand.

164.  Erectile dysfunction is something that needs to be addressed more seriously.

The problem is rising.

165.  I have a friend named Richard.  All of his selfies are dick picks.

166.  Having a charity event for people that struggle to have orgasms.

Let me know if you can’t come.

167.   "Did you use windex on your pants? Because I can see myself in them!" 

168.  My neighbor refuses to believe he's gay and dyslexic. I think he's in Daniel.

169.  Abortion clinic motto:

You rape 'em we scrape 'em!

No fetus will beat us!

170.  My coworker can no longer attend next week's Innuendo seminar, so I have to fill her slot instead.

 

171.  I went to the innuendo club meeting.   They thanked me for coming.

172.  I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos.

But it's hard, so hard.

173.  What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?  

You can unload the dead babies with a pitchfork,

174.  Does anyone know the cure for sex addiction? 

I've tried fucking everything.

 

 

175.   <mpphoto> why did Michael Jackson like twenty-eight year olds? Because there was twenty of them!

176.   Cletus was glad his sister's abortion went well, but at the same time he was looking forward to being a father.

177.  <RatBytes> Two gays guys woke up.  One starts getting dressed to go to work.  He complains to the other,"I work to pay the rent, and you don't do anything.   You should help out."     

        The one in bed says, "Okay" and starts stroking himself.  When he is erect he puts on a condom and starts masturbating.  The one about to leave says "That's not helping," and the one lying down says "Hey, I'm packing you a sack lunch."