newjokes080124

 Here are the ones I saved from the joke forum joke forum and haven't added yet:

Where does a rainbow go when it breaks the law? 

PRISM

A man and a woman can be just friends without there being any sex involved...

It's called marriage.

What do a Catholic priest and an Olympic silver medalist have in common? 

They both come in a little behind.

Where do homeless accountants live? 

In tax shelters.

My neighbor got fired from Les Schwab.

He's been looking tirelessly for a new job.

Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could lick her candy

Jack got a shock, with a mouthful of cock

To find out Jill's real name is Andy

A magician was walking down the street and then he turned into a grocery store.

Why shouldn't you wear glasses when you play football?

Because it's a contact sport.

If you aim at nothing, you will hit it with amazing accuracy.

Why do lesbians have so much energy?

Because they don't do dick.

<+mpphoto> levity you hear that a cargo ship loaded with blue paint crashed into a cargo ship loaded with red paint?  The crew was marooned for two days.

My old girlfriend was so ugly that her portraits hung themselves

I like putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer.

Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

I think I already know the answer, but, is the Black Caucus bigger than the White Caucus?

Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. 

I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot.

Healthy is simply the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

My East Indian neighbor said her homemade naan smelled better than restaurant naan. I said, "that's naan-scents."

Name the little streams that run into the Nile? The Juveniles

What do you call someone who only believes in 12.5% of the bible? An eighth-theist.

"If Christ had died in the 20th century, Catholics would be wearing little electric wheelchairs around their necks." - Lenny Bruce

A friend of mine named his dog "5 miles" so he could say he walked 5 miles. But today he ran over 5 miles.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two - One to screw it in most of the way and one to give it a surprise twist at the end.

Nowadays, "I'm on SSI" has become the best pickup-line.

Why shouldn't you make a dinosaur mad?

You'll get your jurass kicked!

I ordered a book, "How to Scam People" back in January.

When it arrives I'm gonna be rich!!!

Two Ladies talking in heaven < JksOrBttr > 2024-07-01 11:59

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: ; It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and 

finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive...

What I really need is a woman who loves me for me, but doesn’t understand math.

I got home from work to find that my kids have been on eBay all day. If they're still there tomorrow I'll lower the price.

Know what I hate most?

Rhetorical questions

Thelma and Louise spent an entire movie challenging sexist stereotypes. Then ended up dying due to terrible driving.

Waiter, there's a footprint in my breakfast! 

Well, you ordered an omelet and told me to step on it!

The first pitch for the movie was Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Norris

My friend committed suicide.  Swallowed everything in the medicine cabinet.

He choked on a tampon.

My wife complains I never lift a finger around the house.

Apparently my middle finger doesn't count.

Back in the day there was a diet plan marketed.  You took the red pill and you started losing weight. When you achieved the weight you wanted, you took the white pill. The white pill killed the tapeworm that had been inside the red pill.

Joe Biden is just Hillary Clinton with a smaller penis.

"By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life."

Want to freak out your vaxed, mask wearing neighbors? Pop some bubble wrap in front of them and remind them that the air inside came from China.

Race Horses... < Barack--Obama > 2024-06-12 01:05

Several racehorses are in a stable. One on them starts boasting about his track record. "Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight."

Another horse breaks in, " Well I've won 19 of my last 27!"

"That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36, " says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, a greyhound who's been sitting nearby listening says, "I don't mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I've won 88."

The horses are clearly amazed. "WOW!" says one horse after a prolonged silence, "A talking dog!"

My wife left me because she thinks I don't take her seriously.

I'm not worried. I'm sure she'll be back tomorrow.

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

Because they kill people.

I don't want to be known as a content creator. 

I prefer the old-fashioned term 'attention whore'

Has anyone here heard of the Fecal Donation Program, or am I the only one who gives a shit?

You can swim with dolphins for free but to swim with sharks will cost you an arm and a leg.

What's the hardest thing about being Vegan?

Not telling everyone about it.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.  

I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

I thought about jumping rope for exercise, but decided to skip it.

It started to rain and Noah said, "Now I herd everything."

What's Sarah Palin's favorite water sport? 

Parah Salin

If laziness was an Olympic sport I'd purposely come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up the podium.

Why did man invent curling?

To try and convince women that sweeping was a sport.

I never called you stupid. But when I asked you to spell 'orange' and you asked me, "The fruit or the color?", it kinda caught me off guard.

What are you drawing? < JksOrBttr > 2024-06-03 13:42

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied: “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said: “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied: “They will in a minute.”

What's a prostitute's favorite bread? < Dipstic > 2024-06-04 04:44

Pimpernickel

I was driving to the office one morning, when I got a phone call from my boss. "You've been promoted" he said, and I was so surprised that I swerved.

A few minutes later, I got another call. "You've been given a raise." I was so excited that I swerved again.

Later I got a third call. "You've been made CEO." And I swerved again and ran into a tree.

As I was waiting there, I saw a policeman. "what happened?" he asked. "I careered off the road."

My wife can't wrestle.  But you should see her box.

I once had a girlfriend who was so short that when she smoked weed she didn't get high.

I always get the last two words in when I argue with my wife. "Yes, dear."

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.  But I laugh more.

There are two rules in life... 

1. Never tell anyone everything.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed nine pounds when I was born.

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

Letting a man with dementia run our federal government proves just how little we need a federal government.

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

A new study explored the pornography preference of people in each country. Now we can finally see what this world is coming to.

The path to inner peace begins with four words:

Not my fucking problem.

My life is top secret.

Even I don't know what I'm doing.

People say I act like I don't care. 

It's not an act.