1. Our local pet store is offering free legless parakeets. No perches necessary.
2. Let me tell you about my new shoes. I bought them from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
3.Chinese takeout: $11.77
Price of gas to get there: $4.90:
Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless
4. A truck loaded with Vick's Vape-O-Rub overturned on the freeway.
Not surprisingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
5. How long does it take the Dutch to make eggs benedict?
It takes Holland days.
6. A scientist tried to make gum out of eggs.
It was an eggs spearmint.
7. People say filling your animals with helium is wrong. I say whatever floats your goat.
8. A guy in my town was shot yesterday while holding a starter's pistol. They suspect the crime was race related.
9. What kind of tissues do mathematicians like? Multi-ply.
10. To be Frank, I would have to change my name.
11. At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
12. The doctor gave me some anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.
13. Went to a bakery to buy some shortbread. They don't make it any longer.
14. What do you call a nose without a body? No-body knows.
15. The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total. I really wish he would stop laughing at my expense.
16. My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves.
17. Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.
18. My wife went upstairs to get some medicine. I think she's coming down with something.
19. Do you know how often I post element jokes?
Periodically.
20. My wife thought she could beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter.
21. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
22. I'm glad I retired as a water heater installer. Lately, it's become a tankless job.
23. I forced down five cans of alphabet soup last night. This morning I had a huge vowel movement.
24. There's no cost to get into the aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin,
So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!
25. What breed of roosters lay eggs?
Himalayan.
26. I once won second place in a star gazing competition. The winner got a telescope. All I got was a constellation prize.
27. Does anyone here remember the chiropractor joke I posted about a weak back?
28. I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
29. What do you call a communist doing yoga? Stretch Marx
30. Why do riot police like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd.
31. In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse's saddle when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
32. I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
33. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
34. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
35. I found out my wife has been playing board games with another man.
Turns out she's Monopolyamorous.
36. Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?
It's a pita parka.
37. I've got racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander.
38. Did you hear there was a big paddle sale at the boat store?
It was quite an oar deal.
39. I noticed our vacuum is cleaning less of the house than it used to. I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.
40. When my great grandfather went bald he built a machine to weave a wig out of yarn. He gave it to my grandfather, who gave it to my dad, and one day it will be mine. It is our family hair loom.
41. The other day I told a joke over a Zoom meeting. It wasn’t even remotely funny.
42. People who cant distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways i cannot put into words.
43. Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they're a solid number two.
44. To the person that stole my place in line...
I'm coming after you.
45. Hospital said they were looking for organ donors.
So I sent them Gramma's old Wurlitzer.
Imagine all the Paypal.
47. To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you. I have contacts.
48. My friend’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
49. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budge it, but he was able to work it out with a pencil.
50. If Freud did hip hop would it be shrink rap?
51. Yesterday I was flying my drone and I accidentally flew it into a flock of pigeons.
I guess you could say I killed two birds with one drone.
52. Is your Android making you fall asleep? I can help. There’s a nap for that.
53. Which is better: An ascot or a cravat?
It's a tie.
54. I lost my hair years ago but I still carry my favorite comb. I just can't part with it.
55. Everyone told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
56. If I ever have twin daughters I'd name the first one Kate and the second one Duplikate.
57. Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
58. Why was the Jewish Jedi lonely?
He had no Force kin.
59. I saw a midget scaling down a prison wall. I thought that was a little condescending.
60. Vegetarians eat vegetables, so I guess cannibals are humanitarians.
61. A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
62. What do you call an obsession with fabric softener? Downy Syndrome
63. I can't find any jokes about cutting down trees.
I’m completely stumped.
64. I used to work at the juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate, so I got canned.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
Then I worked at the blanket factory, but it folded.
Then I finally realized that working in a mirror factory was something I could totally see myself doing.
65. I entered ten puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
67. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
68. What kind of footwear do psychologists wear?
Freudian slippers.
69. Sticks float. They wood.
70. A man is working his way through undertaker school by painting floors. After years of hard work and hard study, he finally painted himself into a coroner.
71. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
72. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
73. I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof!
74. Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
Because it's two tired.
75. How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
76. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
77. My wife is a brunette. I married a blonde, but she dyed.
78. A chicken crossing the road is pure poultry in motion.
79. What do you call two people in an ambulance?
A pair of medics.
80. What do you call a gynecologist who really loves his job?
Ovary enthusiastic.
81. My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.
82. What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car?
A red carnation.
83. Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.
84. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
85. I have two brothers. Well, three actually, but the third has a learning disability so he doesn't count.
86. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
87. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
88. Why didn't the eunuch cross the road?
He didn't have the balls.
89. What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
90. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
91. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
92. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
93. Are people born with photographic memories?
Or do they take a while to develop?
94. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
95. Shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for all those years. Thanks for every ting.
96. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
97. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck
98. I've heard many puns in my life, but the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake.
99. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
100. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette
101. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
102. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
103. Sure, I drink brake fluid.
But I can stop anytime!
104. My girlfriend thought I’d never be able to make a car out of spaghetti.
You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta!
105. Somebody stole all my lamps and I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
106. What do you do with chemists when they die?
Barium!
107. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator?
“Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
108. My wife tragically ripped the blankets off me last night. I recovered.
109. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
110. If you've been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet!
111. Why don't suicide cults exist any more? They died out.
112. Choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die!
113. People say I'm addicted to somersaults, but that's just how I roll.
114. I spent three sleepless nights trying to think of a mountain pun. I'm starting to think I won't Everest.
115. I got a reversible jacket for Christmas.
I can't wait it to see how it turns out.
116. After the birth of your first child your role in life will become apparent.
117. My wife doesn't like vomit jokes but I do nausea a problem with it.
118. I have this awful affliction where I can't stop telling airport jokes. I think it's terminal.
119. These giant squid jokes are kraken me up!
120. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
121. I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend, my neighbor is dead against it.
122. I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Mesopotamia. I had to stop him. I didn't want him to Babylon.
123. For a fungi to grow you must give it as mushroom as possible.
124. I hate it when people make jokes about body parts. Eyelash out when I hear them.
125. What happens when four children lock themselves in a wardrobe?
That's narnia business.
126. Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved? Its natural beauty was unpresidented.
127. I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
128. A guy just threw milk at me. How dairy?!
129. Spring is almost here. I got so excited, I almost wet my plants.
130. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
131. I've got a chicken-proof front lawn. It's impeccable!
132. People are shocked when I tell them I have a police record. I love their greatest hits.
133. I took the shell off my racing snail hoping he would crawl faster. It didn't help at all. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
134. I haven't always believed in climate change, but I'm warming up to the theory.
135. I met a woman with twelve boobs. Sounds weird, dozentit?
136. A guy in Boston tried to get a deal on a sled. But first he had toboggan.
137. What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeño business.
138. Hear about the confrontational pepper?
He was jalapeño face.
139. The skeleton comic was trying tibia little humerus.
140. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap.
141. I'd love to visit Holland, wooden shoe?
142. I like white boards: They are remarkable.
143. The first dog in space died of stress. It was probably due to the vacuum.
144. My girlfriend's teeth are like stars. They come out at night.
145. Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked? Or with pajamazon.
146. Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
I should have put it on aloha setting!
147. The Moon rock tasted better than the Earth Rock. You know, because it was a little meteor.
148. The person who invented auto correct has died. May he roast in piss.
149. Checked out a nudist camp today, but the sign said "Clothed till May".
150. Bigfoot often gets confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.
151. The new colander I bought was very heavy, so I got a hand truck to move it.
I didn't want to strain myself.
152. Check this one out.
1
153. If you want to start a company and run it that's your business
154. Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends.
155. I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players.
The servers are currently down.
156. A kleptomaniac walks into a bathroom and takes a shower.
157. What kind of award do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?
A trophy.
158. I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear. He asks, "Are you sure?"
I said, "Yeah, I'm definite."
159. What kind of car did Jesus drive?
A Christler
160. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
161. If you have part of your colon removed, is it still a colon...or a semi-colon?
162. Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet. We’re a cover band.
163. Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
164. I've never understood the fashion industry. Those people are so clothes minded.
165. I was forced to swallow purple food coloring. I feel violeted.
166. Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver...
Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!
167. I've decided to paint all my clothes rather than buy new ones. I just finished the second coat.
168. My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post-man now.
169. I finally quit drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil.
170. I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
171. What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
172. I named my horse Mayo and sometimes Mayo neighs.
173. I have a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words too.
174. I went into this salon and an Asian girl started stroking my neckwear. Turned out it was a tie massage parlor.
175. A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
He’s a pickup artist.
176. How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
177. Can a cemetery raise its prices and blame it on the cost of living?
178. My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
179. All of my mom's sisters are incredibly healthy thanks to their auntie-bodies.
180. The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.
181. What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a bull? Abominable
182. There is a dating service for seniors now.
Its called "Expiration Date."
183. Don't ask me about my pan pizza.
It's personal.
184. My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.
Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.
185. Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
Neither, the rooster came first.
186. Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.
I give her a shoulder to crayon.
187. Why don't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
188. Why is a baseball stadium so hot after a game?
All the fans have left.
189. I felt trapped inside a woman's body,
Then I was born.
190. What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men.
191. There’s a fine line between a denominator and a numerator.
Only a fraction of you will understand this.
192. Friend: "I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 cents.
Me: "That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?"
193. This woman once told me she was a Christian so I broke up with her.
I had always known and loved her as Christine.
194. Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve? Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
195. Orthodontists are going on strike.
Brace yourselves.
196. What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A Fizzician
197. Here’s my step ladder
I never knew my real ladder.
198. I love watching videos of rivers and creeks. In fact, I watched a live stream just this morning.
199. I've combined a laxative with alphabet soup.
It's called "Letter Rip."
200. The Holy Bible is full of holes. It says so right in the title!!
201. Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
It was dreadful.
202. I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. It's finally happened..
I can't afford shit.
203. I saw an obese sea cow explode. Oh, the huge manatee!
204. Auntie has a traditional remedy for Tourette's.
She swears by it.
205. Farmer's girlfriend broke up with him
She sent him a John Deere letter.
206. Edgar Allan Poe
Because Edgar Allan ain't got no job.
207. This guy told me that if you hold up a shell, you can hear the ocean. I tried it and got 6 years for armed robbery.
208. Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July, except for fire...
Fire works on the 4th of July.
209. I once tried to cure my acne with sulphuric acid. It was a pore decision.
210. We're having my favorite food for new year's.
Independence Day-old-pizza.
211. A bossy man goes into a bar. He orders everyone a round.
212. Why doesn't Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
213. When explaining a groin injury to your doctor, be clear on whether it's your scrotum or penis that is affected. There's a vas deferens between them.
214. I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.
215. Just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.
216. I wrote a novel about a guy with a small garden. Didn't have much of a plot.
217. My psychiatrist said that my exhibitionist disorder was incurable. I'll show her.
218. A book fell on my head.
I have no one to blame but my shelf.
219. I told a carbon monoxide joke to my friend. He said it was tasteless.
220. I went to my therapist only wearing saran wrap around my private parts. My therapist said: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
221. The lights at the Chinese restaurant were so bright, I asked them to dim sum.
222. There was a problem with the catering at our annual Bulimia Sufferers' Convention last night, but I didn't want to bring it up.
223. My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life.
Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
224. I'm still using Office 2010. For lack of a better Word.
225. Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change color?
He had reptile disfunction
226. If you show me your boobs I'll show you my tattoos.
Tit for tat.
227. The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of. Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.
228. My urologist said I have a healthy prostate.
I was deeply touched.
229. Have you ever seen a chick eat a banana?
230. What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
A Navi-gator
231. An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
232. When The Incredible Hulk showers does he use a loofah-rigno?
233. Why are plants so thin? They always eat light.
234. I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
235. You can make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water.
Yeah, I tried spring water in my water bed. It sprung a leak.
236. I wanted to spend time listening to shock radio.
But now there's no Rush.
237. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
238. Did you hear about the two snails fighting?
They removed their shells and slugged it out.
239. I hate jokes about proms.
The punch line is always too long
240. Did you hear about the new surgery kit that lets the patients sew up his own incisions?
It's called Suture Yourself.
241. I fell into an infinity pool yesterday.
It took me forever to get out of it.
244. There was an argument about what to call a medieval soldier, but it was getting late, so they called it a knight.
245. What did medieval postmen wear? Chain mail.
246. What do you call a computer that sings?
A Dell
247. What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A yardvark
248. Maladies, maladies, maladies, maladies.
Okay, enough with the four maladies.
249. What the largest bra size at the zoo?
A Zee bra.
250. I work part time at a candle factory. I only work on wick ends.
251. Where do Scientologists keep dinner plates?
In the L. Ron Cupboard
252. I had a really expensive enema last week. It really cleaned me out.
253. Accordion to a recent survey, 90% of people don't notice when you replace words with names of musical instruments.
254. Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
255. My son kept chewing on electrical cords, so I grounded him. He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
256. When pressed, the tailor, a material witness in the suit, came apart at the seams. His altered testimony completely unraveled. The tale he had woven had been a complete fabrication.
257. Necrophilia's a dying fad.
258. I'm sitting on the toilet and late for work.
I don't have time for this crap.
259. What did the sushi say to the bee?
Whassubee?!
260. What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
261. Art thieves captured. Along with their getaway vehicle and all the loot. They had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
262. Woke up this morning with a fig up my butt.
Think I might have been date raped.
263. Two termites walk into a bar and ask, "Is the bar tender here?"
264. One bird can't make a pun, but toucan.
265. Every time I tell a funny cow joke I butcher it.
266. Proofreading is very impotent.
267. My detective friend dropped his cell phone on the sidewalk yesterday.
He cracked the case.
268. Did you hear Sting is missing?
The Police are searching for leads.
269. KFC opens shelter for battered chickens.
270. Nazis make me Fuhrious.
271. Finally finished writing my thesis on constipation. It was a real struggle to get it out.
272. I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.
My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.
273. I can cut down a tree using only my vision.
I saw it with my own eyes.
274. My friend, who likes to date inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while.
I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand.
275. I finally got a job as a teacher last month. My whole life I have tried to overcome my anxiety from being cross-eyed. Finally I did.
Now today, the principal fired me because I can't control my pupils.
276. It's tough being dyslexic. Misspell one word and the whole text is urined.
277. I used to take my dog to the lake, but the ducks kept attacking him. That's what I get for having a pure-bread dog.
278. Why did the racist cross the road?
To get to the finish line.
279. My girlfriend works at the zoo.
I think she's a keeper
280. Know why I make puns?
I feel it's my respunsibility.
281. What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
282. Just got a job as senior director at Old McDonalds farm.
I'm the CIEIO.
283. Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain.
Because of the indoor fins.
284. What did Forrest Gump's horse order at the bar?
Ginnn - neighhhhhh.
285. Why do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
They're scentimental.
286. Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants ?
Because they might get a hole in one.
287. When I canceled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice.
288. I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague.
The Czech engine light keeps coming on.
289. Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefore.
290. I was making out with this girl on the sofa when she said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end of the couch and I'll grab the other."
291. I came home to find two guys stealing my gate. I didn’t want to say anything in case they took a fence.
292. A lion will not cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood.
293. Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon. Neil before me.
294. I once asked my mom if I was a gifted child.
She said there's no way in hell they would have paid for me.
295. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
296. I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
297. Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. He said it's the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he's ever seen.
298. What did nine eggs say to the fat guy who opened the carton?
"Get more eggs our size."
299. Velcro, what a rip-off.
300. A man was arrested by the police after he stole his neighbor's clothes straight from the clothesline.
He claimed he was doing online shopping.
301. When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats.
This is known as many paws.
302. It’s difficult explaining puns to kleptomaniacs – they’re always taking things literally.
303. The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
304. My ultra-sensitive toothpaste gets really jealous when I use other toothpastes.
305. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
306. For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little thing that counts.
307. "Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.
308. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
309. Our planet is bipolar.
310. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right, I feel ten years older already.
311. My rooster has been working out.
He now has impressive pecks.
312. I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.
But when I got home the tables were turned.
313. I found a café that serves chicken dinners for fifty cents. You sit down and they bring you a plate of bird seed.
314. Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
315. When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked.
316. I was offered a job today but I turned it down because they were only willing to pay me in vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable.
317. When I started here I was working for peanuts but now they've put me on celery.
318. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
319. Breaking a leg during an audition ensures that you end up in the cast.
320. I used to tell dad jokes. He's dead now, though.
321. I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
322. Clichès must be avoided like the plague.
323. They just removed a very large boulder near our town that was 5,280 feet long.
It was a milestone.
324. Two cows, Daisy and Dolly.
Daisy: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
Dolly: "I don't believe you."
Daisy: "It's true, no bull."
325. A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him that's the last thing I need.
326. I have the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
327. What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
328. I saw a show about how wells are made.
It was boring.
329. I just watched a documentary on how ships are put together.
It was riveting.
330. Why are venetian blinds so important?
Without them, it would be curtains for all of us!
331. Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
332. There's an email going round offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.
If you get this email don't open it, it's spam!
333. Nothing is made in America anymore, I just bought a TV and the box said "Built in Antenna".
I don't even know where that country is.
334. My Playstation 3 broke yesterday and there was no one there to console me.
335. I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken.
There’s no going back now.
336. I’m not a racist, I love all races. Except marathons.
337. Couples Therapist: "So, tell me what brings you here today?"
Her: "It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal."
Him: "My truck."
338. Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
339. I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.
340. I got food poisoning today.
I'm not sure when I'm going to use it.
341. Best way to keep your kids from being spoiled:
Keep them in the refrigerator.
342. My friend found a brilliant sausage website.
I’ve asked him to send me a link.
343. What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy!
344. I threw my toaster away because it kept burning my bread.
I'm black toast intolerant.
345. I heard a Bee Gees song coming from my vegetable rack.
It turned out to be chives talking.
346. A group of crows is called a murder.
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
347. Gonna start a matchmaking site for very old people called Carbon Dating.
348. What did the buffalo say when his son galloped off?
Bison
349. Sign over a Gynecologists' Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
350. Don't run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out.
Or worse yet, get kilt.
351. (added 8-7-23 thanks to eric60mwm on undernet) The midget psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
No comments:
Post a Comment