reversepsychology

     "I did a series of phone interviews called “Dialing From Dialysis” with various people from my life during treatment sessions from my dialysis chair. My longtime therapist, Dr. Stern, agreed to let me turn the tables on him and ask him a series of questions, which he promised to answer honestly and thoroughly. Dr. Stern was a clinical psychologist, had practiced as an attorney, and was an ordained rabbi. I always said it sounded like he was a setup to a joke. Dr. Stern had just been diagnosed with lung cancer and was ready to talk.

I asked, “What challenges did you face in your life when you were young and in your adult life and how did you overcome the odds?”

     "Dr. Stern responded, “The challenges I faced were a sense of chronic anxiety and feelings of being the biggest loser in the world, I suppose. I spent a lifetime looking for places, ideas, thoughts, and therapies that would somehow make it go away. In time, I learned to understand fear and anxiety. It didn’t go away, but I learned to use it, mostly manage my own, and hopefully be helpful to others. My life itself is made up of different chapters and places and things I did in this search to somehow maximize life, overcome my fears, and find meaning. I almost tried to be, in a sense, a heroic movie star figure like in the kinds of films as a child I idolized growing up in the ’40s and ’50s.”

     I asked, “What was your darkest moment? Did you hit rock bottom? And did you ever lose hope?”

     Dr. Stern responded, “This seems terribly silly, but one of the darkest moments I remember was going to college and being blackballed into a fraternity I wanted to be in. As a kid, I felt unpopular and unathletic, un-this and un-that. High school was the same. When I went to college, Tulane University in New Orleans, I thought it would all change and then I got blackballed. It seemed like it must be a universal truth perhaps, in a crazy way. Later, I went to law school in the ’60s. I was president of my law school class for two years and hoisted on the shoulders of my classmates at graduation. So, in that sense of developing social skills and sensing whatever abilities I had, it was answered. I learned how to deal with people. I learned that the fears I had were within myself and that they weren’t external or necessarily true.”

This chapter is so good and precise, I have to include it in it's entirety:

     "I asked, “What was the turning point for you when you knew you were going to make it?”

     Dr. Stern responded, “I don’t know if today I know I’m going to make it. It’s like there’s always that fear, but to understand that one has the ability and resources to do so. The question is a very valid one and I’m not sure if I’ve ever arrived at it. I know I can be effective in communication skills but I’m always shocked that someone pays money for it.”

     I asked, “Who or what was your inspiration in fighting against the odds and helping you out of the darkness?”

     Dr. Stern responded, “My mother had a brother whose name was Abe Newman. He was a very tall, lean, kind-hearted, soft-spoken, lovely, loving human being whom I somehow wanted to model myself after. Whatever the yucky poo or cynicism that the days could bring, there were people like an Uncle Abe. Later, as I got more into Judaism and the perspective of living in Israel and other things, I was fortunate to meet a number of people that were like an Uncle Abe as to character, virtue, and kindness.

     I asked, “Did anyone know what you were going through?”

     Dr. Stern responded, “I think at a younger age, I thought I was the only one that had anxiety. I thought that somehow, I was plagued by some terrible curse. Eventually, it hit me that the only person that could probably take care of me was going to be me.”

     I asked, “What could someone have done to help?”

     Dr. Stern responded, “Be a good listener. Be kind and loving. I don’t know if it’s ever enough, but I think we give what we need. One tries to be kind and loving to others, because that’s what we ourselves need.”

     I asked, “Did you think you were going to make it?”

     Dr. Stern responded, “I thought if I found the right girl, or the right place, or the right temperature, or found the right something or another, that I would make it. At times, I did find the right girl or the right situation, but it was temporary. Making it for me for many years was finding something that would make the fear go away.”

     I asked, “What is your biggest challenge today?”

     Dr. Stern responded, “Staying alive and being sharp.”

     I asked, “Did your challenges help you redefine your personal mission statement in life?”

     Dr. Stern responded, “The challenges have become a personal mission. Because of my own search, I’ve been able to at least get some material, perspective, stuff, words, ideas that I can share with others. As I share with others, sometimes I find myself talking to myself. I think we are always struggling as to whether life is just chaos, and nothing, or whether it’s meaningful. If it’s meaningful, regardless of the pain, it’s meaningful.”

     I asked, “Was there a dream that you never fulfilled?”

     Dr. Stern responded, “When I was young, the idea of being cool or popular or whatever, had enormous appeal. I took a lot of acting workshops in Los Angeles, but I did not have the balls to stay with it. I philosophized out of it that your life is the greatest story told and that you are the star of your own story—the writer, director, actor. I wondered if it was such a grand thing to try to make a career on winning other people’s approval. I remember being in a play, Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream, and giving a speech by one of the players, Demetrius. I remember giving it and hundreds of people applauding and it was such a rush. I think it was better than any orgasm I ever had. So, I could understand the appeal. It was like being bathed in a glow of love.”

     I said, “Great interview. You really opened up, Dr. Stern. I just wanted to ask if you could share your personal experiences with me or any other observations or feedback.”

     Dr. Stern responded, “Sure. My personal observations are the day I saw you. I loved you because you looked like my stepfather. I just had a feeling for you. It was just your physical look. I think I showed you a picture of him one time. It was just a certain chemistry I felt and your passion, your feelings, your intensity, your effervescence, just all of that drew me. I could also see your fears and your vulnerabilities and what you had gone through and it was always wanting to convince you that you could manage or even get on top of those feelings and fears and the rush and the feeling it’s too much.

     “I always saw your best in raising your daughter and I still do. I see how she is today. I saw that in A Vision in Motion, your professional product, how good you were. You didn’t just book speakers, but you basically became connected, involved, went, and arranged. You threw yourself into life fully. I wanted you to know it.

     “It seemed like you always were pushing away that moment of success. I don’t know if I ever thought you saw your greatness the way I did. I haven’t changed my opinion at all. In your doing this book, I don’t know if I’m any of your heroic characters or some of the interesting people you have met and shared with me. But in doing this book, if I have the chance to say a few words about you, just as an extraordinary man and taking something like dialysis and turning it into a triumph and trying to present this from the perspective and all the people you have met along the way and how you’ve influenced them…these are all awesome things. So, I always hope that my time with you has been helpful. I miss you in terms of seeing you. I’m always glad to have contact with you. All honor to you.”

     I regret so much not being able to say goodbye to Dr. Stern in person. He invited me to meet him for breakfast while I was on dialysis in 2019. I found out later he had died just a couple of weeks later.