suicidal

 

I Was Actually Thinking About Killing Myself

     See, back towards the end of living with Chasity, back when we lived at Woods of Elm Creek, I got real down. I felt like I was stupid. I was 24, I wasn't in school. My work experience consisted of delivering pizza and telemarketing. I knew computers, but I only knew how to get free stuff. I felt stupid. I had been with the same ignorant girl for the past 4 years and she was really getting on my nerves. I just felt like shit and I wanted to die.

     Well, one day at my telemarketing job, I was telling my manager about all my problems. He suggested I go talk to TRC(Texas Rehab Commission). I had been in contact with TRC after my first head-injury, but because I didn't think anything was wrong with me, I didn't use their assistance.
     Luckily, I remembered my counselors name and even the address. I rode the bus there the next day and told her about my depression. She agreed to fund a Head Injury Vocational Program at the local Easter Seals(which happens to be right next to the bus transfer center in Medical Center).
     I started this bullshit program they had. They treated head-injured people like they were retarded. All trying to teach them how to do stuff over again. Actually, their ultimate goal was to get head-injured people back in the workforce so they could work for money. When I first started this program I was given a neuropsychological evaluation by the psychiatrist there. Which showed me, in black and white, that despite my two traumatic brain injuries I had retained(or acquired) an above-average IQ. Remember, I was ready to kill myself because I thought I was stupid.
     Bam, depression gone for good.

     Whatever they gave me to do I kicked ass at it. When I first started the bullshit program, they gave me a pocket-calendar, which I still have. I started typing this stuff up and that's where my obsession with documenting started. I started making to-do lists and following through on everything.
     For each week in that little book they had a quote. That's where I started collecting quotes. See how things just fall in my lap?
     I also learned a little Tai Chi for going to this place. I just do some of the stretches, but I cheat. I don't do the breathing. I just like the feeling after popping my joints. I do the arm rotations, where you just move your arm in circles, the whole time stretching it as far as you can. Move them in circles in front of you. I do the neck rotations too, where you let your neck just roll around slowly. I don't usually, but I even do the ankle rotations. So I guess it was a good learning experience. Just not because of their intended efforts in the program. That reminds me of a couple quotes.

"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it."
- Mark Twain

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
- Anonymous

     I stayed with the program for only 30 days before I voluntarily withdrew. I told them, "I got what I came for after my neuro-psyche. I'm not going to kill myself anymore. I have much better things to do now."

     Hell, I even fixed one of their computers for them, hehe.

- Victor Antonio