tita012824

 7:22pm  Sunday the 28, I just finished today's journal entry with all of the pictures.  Tita even got a short video of me flying my sign.  What were you just talking about, Tita? 

Tita:  I was talking about how I met Victor and then not even two weeks later..

Victor:  Remember, you started after I asked you, "Isn't it nice to know you have a good purpose in this backwards world we live in?  Remember, when you met me you were in a sort of limbo with all these unjust challenges caused by your family who wasn't showing you any love.  You woke up to the fact that climbing the ladder wasn't an option for you since your dad was being tortured, and caring for him was a full-time volunteer position you assumed without being asked.  I have always totally respected you for that.  I felt since I never had a dad, or a truly loving partner, I had found yet another purpose in my life.  You brought a greater purpose to my life I had stopped being proud of.  THAT is one of the most valuable things that made me stick with you, if not the top reason.  Especailly after I met your father myself and he became my father and I joined your uphill struggle to make things right for him.  Okay, your turn.

Tita:  Right, my dad was always my top priority.  Even when I applied for a well-paying job with the county, through my NAMI connections.  I probably should not have, but I told them, "Look, if my father needs me I am going to have to go be with him.  Just like a good mother would say their children are their top priority, that's exactly how I viewed my father.  I made sure they knew that beforehand.  I didn't get that job, maybe because of that.  

Regardless, I was happy to spend time with my dad.  He needed the love, he needed the affection, especially after my mom died.  He was alone then.  HE didn't have the love and affection and care of ANY of his family besides me.  For years now.  Even my mom did not towards the end.  It was when I went on vacation and Juan returned to their lives, after being estranged for a decade.  My mom took refuge in Juan and disconnected even more from me and my dad.  

Before I met Victor I WAS in limbo.  I was a massage therapist for a while, and then Kaenan committed suicide.  I went to pick up dad, because I was planning to live in South America thinking I could rent out the house down in Mexico and go live in Peru and do what I've always wanted, which was to go take ayahuasca with the shamans, learn their teachings and get to know another continent and culture.  Dad would be fine in Mexico, I thought.  Well, when I went to pick him up I didn't know he wanted to come back, so we came back to Modesto.  

Victor:  So you were forced to go backwards.   

Tita;  Because he had like five of his nephews and nieces at his command, one was a chaeuffer, one did the grocery shopping, one was the nurse, one was the cook,  one was the seamstress, he had all of these staff, that when I came back I said, "I am going to do this."  With help dad was thriving.  He had gained weight, he was happy, I recommited then.  I kept the house looking pristine.  I did nothing but clean up the house, look after Dad and hang out with him.  I paid the bills, I would usually pay them three months at a time.  I was there for Dad more after he came back from Mexico because the lack of attention from his own blood was so prevalent.  All my plans to go to Peru went out the window then.  Dad needed me more then.  

The three of four people I knew in Mexico, when I told them my Peruvian plans they warned me, "You are going to get eaten alive by bugs there."  That turned me off too.  I firmly decided I didn't want to live in a place where I could get eaten by bugs, I am already allergic to so much.  For example, when I went to Paris I acquired welts, nobody else did.  I am one of those people that bugs like.  To hear that South America is full of these insects that I would have no immunity to, scared the heck out of me.  

Victor:  Right, it would be very difficult to squat homeless-style in the woods down there.  

Tita:  Those aren't woods, that's deep jungle.  That's why snake oil is so important there.  With all the different kinds of snakes, Frank actually does save lives.  

Anyway, getting back to what I was saying, I had given up on my dreams to find a man.  When my friends asked me, "Elizabeth, tell us about your future plans," I would tell them, "I want to go find a place to live together with Dad, away from Modesto.  We were both unhappy in Modesto.  Dad doesn't like the cold because of his joints, so maybe Florida or somewhere like that."  

They asked me, "If you had your choice, what would your life be like once your dad passes?"  I was like whoa, I kind of thought about it and replied, "I think that what I would want to do is just wander.  I would go to an ashram first then I would wander around and travel."  They asked me how I was going to make money.  I told them I wasn't sure, but I would find a way.  "I need to travel, I need to get out of here.  If my dad wasn't here I would go out and figure out where I wanted to live," I said.  

Then they asked me about a relationship.  I told them, "I thought about that and I am kind of over it, I don't need a man in my life, but if I found someone nice I would want someone who is not stupid and has come to our age without children, because I don't want someone with baggage."  Pobresitas, because they both have kids, but I said it.  

I say that and not even three weeks later, I meet Victor at the spring in Mount Shasta.  What happened?  Victor WAS the guy without the baggage I yearned for.  Victor WAS the guy of my dreams.  Victor WAS the unconventional guy with a cool background and smart.  His intelligence totally won me over.  The ways he expressed himself, the books he had read that he told me about, his purity of heart.  The fact that I could see how he sometimes would get lost or disoriented.  As good as you were alone, I always knew you needed help, just like my dad.  You needed somebody else to be there.  The fact that you would forget things, I wanted to help you!  

I could tell that because you were so sweet that people WERE taking advantage of you.  I could see it even with Matt Shearon.  I found out he was stealing from you and being an ass.  I felt I needed to protect Victor from the assholes of the world, he is such a sweetheart even through all of these bad experiences he had.  Look how intelligent he is.  He is from a Latino family!  That was a big selling point, he spoke Spanish!  

The more I talked to Victor, the more my heart went out to him and I fell in LOVE with him.  

Victor:  It was very mutual.  

Tita:  I was astounded that ayahuasca had taken me to Mount Shasta.  There I was with a clean slate and purified body and mind, after the beautiful experience of talking to Spirit, listening to the plant medicine.  Never had I taken ANY psychedlics.  

Victor:  You got the help you prayed for.           

Tita:  I even heard Kaenan!  On the Sunday of ayahuasca, I actually heard Kaenan chit-chatting with me.  Now I know life, people exist after death.  

Anyway, Victor, you were the man of my dreams and you still are.  For many reasons.  More than anything, look, together we have been through all of this adversity.  You have been a model man throughout.  When I have needed you, when I have asked for something from you, you have gone above and beyond the call of most men.  Even putting up with all the drama it took to get Dad out of here.  That you were incredibly patient for.  You were patient with Dad even when he was all messed up and I would boss you around.  You were going nuts, remember?  "I don't know how much longer I can stay in a big city, I miss the serenity of the woods," you told me.  

We weathered all of that, we weathered covid, I went nuts one time with the full moon.  We patched it up.  We LOVE each other.  That's why I say that any thought of me either wanting to be alone or having you, is just crazy to think of being alone now.  You have made my life so much better.  

Victor:  Likewise, baby.

Tita:  And you also helped protect me against my brothers.  You have also given me so much LOVE that I hadn't experienced in so long.

Victor:  As far as your brothers go, you deserved to have your voice heard.  You have been in the right the whole time.  

Tita:  Yes, but nobody who appreciated me put it in such a way that was there for me.  You have always let me make my own decisions about everything, which is righteous. 

Victor:  Except when I feel you are slowing me down, then I have to be tougher.  

Tita:  You let me decide what to do with Dad.  You are kind, considerate person.  As am I, too, but maybe too much.  At first we were both pussy-footing around trying not to hurt each other.  Then we went the other way.  Last year was a crazy year with the eclipses where we went out of bounds.  I ditched the relationship and so did you, in a way.  You left and I became a kid dependent on big brother.  You became the husband thinking that your wife was a bad wife znd yet we weathered that too.  

Then you took off, I needed some space away from world peace, and the stress and the all the potsmoking and I was upset so I forced you out.  I needed time by myself.

Victor:  Umm, I wouldn't go that far.  You can't rape the willing.  

Tita:  I think only three days would've helped.  I got to the point where I was all, "You need to go, alright?"   We weathered that too.  Had you found a better walking partner I would have been toast.  The universe conspired to keep us together.  Even the accident that I almost had when you were gone, didn't happen.  Had I not heard the distant honk, or if there had been cars coming I would've been six feet under right now.  

Victor:  We are at eleven minutes right now.  I don't want to go over fifteen.  

Tita:  The universe loves us and we love the universe.  Look what happened today.  In not even half an hour we collected what we needed.  We have more marijuana that should last us like a month.

Victor:  Maybe just you, hehe.  I like a challenge.

Tita:  Haha, and we even got a gift card from a place that we like.  It all works out and we need to keep being really smart and yes, in answer to your question of aren't I happier when I have a purpose and know what my mission is?  Yes, very much so.  And I am only here because of you.  None of this would've happened if I had never met you.  Whether Dad would still be alive, which I doubt.  

Victor:  Hell, whether I would still be alive, myself, if I hadn't met you.

Tita:  Yeah, we don't know.  It was precarious over there on Black Butte.  

Victor:  A lot of death has occurred on Black Butte.  

Tita:  There was just a bad energy there.  Those people were not good for you.  Those people were true criminals.  Seeing you as you were, a lonely guy hungry for love and attention.  

Victor:  It was mainly because Ron's daughter Amaya beheld what I had done to the place, my motor coach, envied my standards and she wanted it occupied by HER friends, who ended up tweaking their way off the property like a month later, I believe.  

Tita:  It maybe be because she wanted the people that she liked as her neighbors, and she fell in love temporarily with Warren.  

Victor:  She didn't fall in LOVE, she was playing him.  She noticed me and Warren's rivalry and took advantage of that, to appear to join his side only to ensure my unjust-eviction.  She just saw it as a means to her ends.  

Tita:  Plus, we lost total respect for Jackie and Adam due to the bullying.  I was like, "I am not going to go back there with that asshole."  It also happened because we were gone, we had to take care of Dad here.  Then it didn't help when Warren brought his buddy Jason to the land.  

Victor:  I know you think Jason is a good person, but I can trust him exacty as much as I trust Warrren.  Birds of a feather.  Mainly due to one time, over a yer since my eviction, when Jason randomly texts me saying he found random stuff in the bus we lived in.  I told him to put it aside, please.  Then he copped an attitude saying, "Is it your bus?"  I told him, "Of course not, but why would you tell me about random stuff if it wasn't something I left?  Like I give a figgity fuck about random shit you find."  He got all aggro and started making threats.  From what he had shown us before we left, the supposed niceness you fell for, and then texting me and talking shit.  He can't be trusted at all and he has always been a part of Warren's unjust demonization of me.

Victor:  I think we handled Aggro-Rob pretty good.  

Tita:  Oh yeah, but I am talking about how your eviction was orchestrated and we were better off gone regardless.  If I had moved to Mount Shasta I would've wanted to do something in the community and that is not a community where I could reach my full potential.  Not only due to all the rednecks, but the lack of true community.  

Victor:  Plus, all the evil sorcery that occurs on that mountain.  Like the I AMers.

Tita:  Yes, there are too many conflicting energies there.  It's improper how they have marred the purity of that sacred place.  It has been totally compromised by all of this new-age mumbo-jumbo.  

Victor:  Yup, like the train tracks running right over the headwaters.  Blasphemous.

Tita:  That's the other part.  Then again, when you are relying on the tourist industry that means you are, for six months, by yourself without being able to make money and with very limited economic opportunities.  

Victor:  Yup, and snowed in.

Tita:  Right, what am I going to do?  Teach Yoga in a low population place already saturated with Yoga teachers, and massage therapists?  It was not a good place for us.  There are other sacred places where we can go to.  That's not the only sacred place.  

So baby.  I am still happy and amazed that I met you.  I know both of us together have incredible potential that we haven't even tapped into.  We are together, though.  That's what will make it stronger.

Victor:  We are finally blooming together too.

Tita:  We are barely blooming.  The late bloomers are finally getting into their zone.