12-28-24
9:12pm Since Victor and I have met, since day one, we had had intense, long, hours-long conversations and debates on our ideas.
That's what made me attracted to Victor's mind, his amazing capacity to understand and vocalize and verbalize things. Victor and I regretted not recording a lot of these talks that we had, most of them hanging out at the bus when we met. Hours we spent in front of the fire cuddling and talking.
If you think of Jesus as good, like the way I was taught, and just be a good person which means be loving, be kind, be sweet, help others the way my mom taught me, versus the dogma of YOU MUST NOT DO THIS! My mom didn't teach me what not to do.
Teaching me the things I should do made the wrong things obvious. Those I picked up by simply living. She told me to be good and kind. When I made mistakes she would tell me, "That was wrong. That is not how you are good. You are being bad.
Then when I grew into my rebellious phase she didn't know what to do. I had always been good before, but then I started being sarcastic, talking back to her, I was not being a loving daughter. I was rebelling, which we all go through growing up. A lot of it was because my brothers, there was a double standard.
My brothers had a certain way of being treated. I was starting to liberate myself and questioning her authority for the first time and that's where our troubles began. Her loss of power over me.
She told me over the years too, "You are not like your brothers. You are stronger than your brothers." Why? Because their issues, they would sometimes have relationships and totally break down. They would cry and throw big pity-parties. "Woe-is-me, this person left me." They would be completely heartbroken when they lost a girlfriend.
The fact that my brothers would cry and weep over these relationships made my mom think, she didn't tell them, but she knew that they weren't healthy about these breakups. They didn't see it the way they could have which is people come and go into our lives and we share love with them sometimes. That's okay if they leave because maybe they taught us something and we are now developing our ability to LOVE another person.
The reason my mom told me that I was stronger than my brothers is because I didn't put up with anything. If something went wrong I would cut that person off, I would tell that person in a gentle way to leave. I had good boundaries, naturally. I was intuitive.
Victor: According to my neighbor's diary I have boundary-issues. :P
Tita: Hahaha, I love that joke. Getting back to what we were talking about, if you, this society, The United States is all about capitalizing on the very sins that are anti-Christian, anti-goodness, right? Victor and I know that lust means commercials about sex that tantalize or have innuendo. The fact that we watched this stuff growing up, that we were programmed to be tittilated by sex from an early age, if we watched something on TV that our parents didn't like, that's why we wanted to watch it.
It was a bad influence. To parents it was like having a dope dealer at your door talking to your eight year old. Why would they imprint lust so much? Why would they even expose us to lusty things when we are children?
Greed, another big one. Why did all of us grow up wanting to consume? I can't think of one of us that didn't.
My brothers and I would watch TV in the seventies and we would listen to the informercials and we wanted those products! They created desires in us that we didn't even have. Every Satanmas we would plead with mom, "Please, everyone has this!" Mom and Dad would look at each other and think, "What's wrong with these children?"
Because in the Mexican culture Christmas is not about giving presents. There was a huge culture clash.
My mom and dad knew that it was wrong for their kids to want things so badly. To us Christmas was about this cool dude named Jesus that taught us to LOVE each other, the way he supposedly LOVED us. Un mandamento nuevo nos dio El Señor, que nos amemos todos comeo el nos amo.
My mom and dad knew on a basic level that consumerism was wrong.
Again, why did they impale this into us since day one? Why are we programmed to want nothing but this new gadget? That's greed. It's all ego. I have this and you don't.
My brother was so influential to me. I remember that he had money saved up from odd chores that he did. I don't know, I never got paid to do chores. I remember when I was maybe seven when the craze hit for Atari. Hugo was ten.
Even though I was a girl and didn't play any videogames, he was fascinated by the idae of video games. He convinced his baby sister to give up all my savings, my piggy bank from the generals store, I broke it for him.
I was told that I was so entitled back then, that I thought pennies were useless and I would toss the pennies away. Victor still does it. When I was a kid I learned that pennies were nothing.
My brothers would tell me, "Tita, don't you see if you save up enough pennies you will end up with dollars? They explained it to me that saving up, little by little, even if it's pennies, will accumulate.
So my piggybank had only silver coins, since I was arrogant because of the pennies, but I broke that thing for Hugo because he convinced me to buy an Atari. We ordered it and it was fun. We coulnd't wait to get it in the mail.
When we played it I lost interest in it in maybe a week. Why would I, a little girl, think it was a good idea? It was because of the greed instilled in me by the commercials. Because of the group-pressure at school from other kids. "Have you heard about Atari?" I was too young, I was a girl. That's a prime example in my personal life of greed, that we are told to consume.
Pride, OMG, that's another area. I don't want to go into that one.
Avarice, averice goes hand in hand with greed. It has to do with having too much. My mom didn't teach that. My mom taught me...umm, my mom never taught me I was good. She never massaged my ego. She told me I was loving and I was sweet, and I was good, but she, probably deliberately, she never told me that I was the most wonderful girl in the whole planet.
My mom taught me to be generous and to not worry so much about how I looked. Aren't we all taught to have egoism? To look good and to look good for others? Egoism is big! It's pervasive. Even the commercials telling you how you are supposed to look, if you succeed in school you will get praised.
My mom didn't praise me. I've told Victor, but in middle school I showed my mom a report card with all A's. I started excelling in middle school which is more challenging than grade school. In middle school when I stared getting the top grades I was so excited to finally reach that echelon scholastically that I went home and told my mom, "Look at this, I got straight A's! I am at the top, mom!"
She would snidely tell me, "Oh, big deal. Your brothers have done that and more. That's no big deal for me."
Whoa, I was expecting her to be happy, to be proud of me, to pat me on the back, to give me kudos, to celebrate me. She never did. :[
That one comment flattened my ego. That one comment made all the difference. I heard that and I took it seriously. I thought, "Hmm, if I can't outdo my own brothers and straight A's don't matter to my own mother, who I thought it would matter to and I wanted that validation, now, later in life that gets me off the hook.
Then, I can do whatever I want with absolutely no pressure to excel and get straight-A's, because if my brother's did it and no big whoop, then cool, that means I am not going to be able to impress my mom with good grades. That won't be grounds to excite her.
From then on I didn't care about my grades. In high school I think I graduated with a 3.86 GPA. I was not photographed among the top graduates, because my mom said I didn't need to. In my head that meant, "Screw up if you want to." My brothers had gotten straight-A's and more, so nothing I could do can give me the validation I was expecting from my mother, so if I am going to succeed in life, I am going to do it for me, and not anyone else.
I am going to do it because I WANT TO! All through high school, even thought I didn't like a B or a C grade, I didn't protest much. Why worry about it if I am not even going to impress my mom?
Even though it could be seen as if my mom was inadequate and that she should've massaged my ego and made a big fuss over my straight A's and not compared me to my brothers. That actually liberated me, so even with that 3.86 GPA and not being in the top percentile, I still did really well and I did even better in college at UC Berkeley, than I did in high school, so thank you, mom.
She killed my ego for me. I stopped having pride, being proud of my accomplishments. I started doing things because I wanted to. All of my letters of recommendations, by the way, including from a physic's teacher which I tanked his class and got a C.
He wrote and amazing, glowing letter of recommendation when I applied for UC Berkeley. He said I was a leader, he said that I tried extremely hard and chose difficult subjects to write about, that I did very well and was respected by my peers. He said I was a natural leader because when I was around people would do better and have better behavior.
I was like, wow, my physics teacher sees this in me, even though I got a C, but not my own mother? My mom knocked the pride and egoism out of my body. I did things because I wanted to and good grades became not that important to me anymore.
So greed and avarice and money, getting what you want and getting more, that is definitely a message we all pick up and are programmed with. We are programmed first from mom and dad and then we are programmed in school by our teachers. Then we are programmed by the government through the school.
We went to only public school so we only received the "education" that was government-sanctioned.
Even though I did have some cool teachers. I told Victor about some awesome teachers I had in school that went against the grain and taught us alternative stuff. For example, my teacher Barbara Sweer, from the down the road here, from Ripon, and her boyfriend Tim Saenz. He spoke on esoteric subjects while he taught algebra.
We actually had some good "white hats" I guess you can say, if you follow that Q-Anon stuff, which is in every organization there are good people that are watching, surveilling because they are on the side of good. They will become the whistle-blowers or even just the people who are supposed to be there to witness the atrocities.
Victor: I think that's just a boatload of HOPIUM.
Tita: Maybe, but I believe that in my schooling I had some good hippies that taught good stuff on the "down-low." Even though they knew that these subjects were not sanctioned by the government they worked for, they would teach them anyway. They were rule-breakers and they taught me how to be a rule-breaker.
At UC Berkeley I was told over and over and over to question authority. "Question US! Don't follow what we say blindly.
10:04pm I am typing uo the second yummy treat from Illunignostic. I don't know if he knows what I am doing yet, I make comments on his videos, but I may be shadow-banned so I don't know if I am getting through.
Tita: Also, because you are a new follower. He also maybe not cares. There are lots of possibilities. You may be also shadow-banned. Anyway, I have tons and tons of ideas.
I like some of the things that he said, but when it comes to Maya. Hold on. This dude put out a video a couple of days ago that Victor loved and shared it on his blog. I guess this guy made a sequel video to the one Victor watched. Some of these are really good ideas. After first hearing him I told Victor that he reminded me of me, how I go off into my insights and could easily orate for an hour or two. Some of us have this facility. That is why the guy reminds me of me.
Victor: Right, he is saying what I think.
Tita: I had ayahuasca five times, but I don't take psychedelics. Victor and I smoke weed. I have been smoking a lot less lately, which I think has made me a little sharper. Everyone is different. The way marijuana is therapeutic for Victor maybe completely different because I have a different brain.
I am not saying that Victor's use is too much or not enough. I am not an expert at any of this stuff. I know that for me though it's more medicinal and effective if I take it less. That goes with other practices that I do to help keep me grounded, like chanting.
I was thinking about what Illuignostic said, about the fact that this idea of Jesus was concocted and just the simple fact that people who object to Satanists and their killing of children, well didn't our "God," the white "man" with the beard that everyone reveres, when they become sophisticated enough they learn that the man with the beard IS NOT GOD!
Unfortunately, this whole country and most of the rest of the world have misunderstood that. God is not a man! God is not a person that existed that everyone turns to.
IT IS NOT!
For me, it's everything. God is everything we can see and unsee. It is what is there when we are conscious, when we are awake, when we are asleep and not asleep too.
It is ALWAYS THERE. It is all-pervading. God can't not be everywhere and see everything.
People have this heavy trauma that I've never had. My mom never taught me that it was an old man in the sky. That's how she referred to years, "The year is an old year and it is dying and there is going to be a new year." She taught me that Jesus happened when you are good, that if you are a good person that you don't have to go to church to be with God. My mother rightfully taught me THAT GOD IS BEING GOOD!
It's that simple.
She taught me exactly what that meant, to be good. She taught me to do unto others without any thought of return, to always operate from my heart, all of these things that stem from living a natural life.
My mom knew nobody needed to go to church. My mom was not dogmatic. She would always say, "To be a good person you do not need to step one foot in a church. One can be a good person and worship anywhere or time, she taught me that I was God, a piece of Him.
My mom had a really cool and wide view of what God meant.
Anyway, touching on what he said, the trauma that all of these people had who were brainwashed by their dogmatic parents mostly(who brainwashed them? usually their parents), it's a lie that goes on because everyone is trained to listen to your elders and not your minors.
If we get this message slammed into us like a brick on a daily basis, what does that mean? It means that WE LOSE OUR ABILITY TO HAVE INDEPENDENT THOUGHT, TO COME UP WITH NEW IDEAS, that means that we lose our ability to discriminate between right and wrong.
It means that we follow the sheep. "Oh, my parents said to jump off the cliff so I guess I will do it, since they know better than I ever will."
THAT MENTALITY IS VERY HARMFUL!
It has been drilled into us, especially in the US, that we need to listen to our elders and to respect the government. When I took government class what did they say? I was taught that government was a representative of family.
What does family do? Supposedely they take care of you and support you. Does every family do that?
HELL NO!
There is not always LOVE in a family. There are cycles of trauma that get passed down.
Victor: I like your Christ, I just don't like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.
Tita: Exactly! To kill in the name of Jesus is an ANTITHESIS of what Jesus was about!
Jesus even told us that. The idea of Jesus, in my opinion is the same thing as Muhammad and all of our supposed teachers. They were simply way-showers to remind people that...
Victor: One could even go as far as to say they might all be liars and mis-informants, just another gear in the evil, subversive deception that is "God."
Tita: Victor and I disagree on this. Actually, we don't disagree. Victor kind of sees that negative side to it, which is if you only take this true messages and live that, and don't go to church and don't do bible studies and don't do things against his will, for the will of Goodness, not His will, then, we don't need to go to church at all.
Victor is right because if we are being told that we are bad people, hold on, the shame. What causes shame? Lust, greed, hatred, and all the rest of the deadly sins
Therefore, I wish more people were like me.
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