truly2black

 

Black

 

 

Remember how to keep little black kids from jumping up and down on the bed? (Put Velcro on the ceiling.)

How do you get ‘em down?

Invite some Mexican kids over and tell them it’s a pinata party.

*

What’s the definition of worthless?

A seven-foot-two-inch black with a small cock who can’t play basketball.

*

Did you hear the Harlem High school cheer?

Barbecue, watermelon,

Cadillac car;

We’re not as dumb

As you think we is!

*

There was this football coach who wasn’t too pleased with the way his team was performing; their record was 0—6 and it was already half way through the season. He didn’t know quite what to do about it, though, since he couldn’t figure out whether the play book was too complicated or whether the players were simply unable to play any better. Finally he decided that the best solution was to simplify the play book, reducing the number of plays to something even the most thick-headed guy on the team could understand.

So after a particularly depressing defeat, he called his muddy and battered team together and explained that from now on they would only have to master four plays, and that he had simplified the calls as follows: NRR, NRL, SPDN, and WBK.

“What’s dat again, coach?” asked the quarterback, scratching his head.

“NRR,” explained the coach, “stands for Nigger Run Right.”

“NRL,” he went on, “means Nigger Run Left, and SPDN means Same Play, Different Nigger. As for WBK, well that’s White Boy Kick.”

*

What’s tattooed on the inside of every negro’s hip?

Inflate to 50 psi.

*

Why do blacks wear high-heeled shoes?

So their knuckles don’t scrape the ground.

*

Why do blacks wear wide-brimmed hats?

So pigeons don’t shit on their lips.

*

Two black garbage men in Atlanta were going about their rounds and came to the end of their route with the garbage truck absolutely full—and with one bag of garbage still sitting on the side-walk. Being conscientious workers, they were reluctant to leave it, but the truck would not hold another ounce.

“Tell you what, Joe,” said Sam. “You drive real slowly, and I’ll hang on to the back of the truck holding that last bag with my body. We ain’t got too far to go.”

That was fine with Joe, and so he drove the truck off with Sam clinging, spread-eagled, to the back of the truck.

They rounded the corner and passed by two Southern gentlemen, who looked at the back end of the truck with considerable surprise. “Can you believe your eyes?” asked his companion. “They’re throwing away a perfectly good nigger!”

*

What do you call a black millionaire physicist?

A nigger.

*

What do you get when you cross a black and a groundhog?

Six more weeks of basketball season.

*

How do you know Adam and Eve weren’t black?

Ever tried to take a rib from a black man?

*

There was a black couple that already had eight fine children, and finally the wife implored her husband to have a vasectomy. After much cajoling, he made an appointment, and the morning of the operation his wife was astonished to see him leave the house dressed in white tie and tails and head for a big black limousine waiting at the curb. Responding to her quizzical look, he explained, “Honey, if you gonna be impo’tant, you gotta act impo’tant!”

*

A con man came into a small-town saloon, sidled up to the bar, and told the bartender he’d bet him $50 he could have him in tears in three minutes. “You got a deal!” said the bartender. “I haven’t cried since I broke my ankle when I was ten.”

So two and a half minutes went by in silence,and finally the bartender said, “You know, you only have thirty seconds left and I’m nowhere near tears.”

“No problem,” said the con man. “My friend Boo will be along any moment, and he’ll have you bawling in no time.”

“Boo who?” asked the bartender... and then sheepishly handed over the fifty bucks.

The con man proceeded down the bar to where a black guy was nursing a beer, and made him the same offer. “Man, ah ain’ cried since ah was a baby,” said the black guy. “You on!”

A minute, two minutes ticked by, and the black guy spoke up, pointing out that time was running short. “Don’t you worry,” said the con man, “my friend Boo is due right about now and you’re going to weep.”

“Who be Boo?” asked the black guy.

*

Did you hear about the little black kid who got diarrhea?

He thought he was melting.

*

What do they call a woman in the Army?

A WAC.

What do they call a black woman in the Army?

A WACcoon.

*

Why do blacks always have sex on their minds?

Because of the pubic hair on their heads.

*

A crowd gathered on a Harlem sidewalk where a white guy was jumping up and down on a man-hole cover energetically, shouting, “Twenty-eight!Twenty-eight!” Finally one big black guy was unable to restrain his curiosity. “What you doin’ datfo’?” he roughly questioned the jumper.

“Listen, it really makes you feel great. You wouldn’t believe how it relieves tension, chills you out . . . Why don’t you try it for yourself?”

So, somewhat suspiciously, the big black guy started jumping up and down on the manhole cover. Just as he was getting into a rhythm, the white guy pulled the cover out from underneath him, and the black tumbled down the hole.

Cheerfully replacing the cover, the guy started jumping up and down again, shouting, “Twenty-nine! Twenty-nine!”

*

Did you hear about the African sex researcher?

Kunte Kinsey.

*

Did you hear about the new black French restaurant?

Chez What?

*

What do you call four blacks in a ‘57 Chevy?

A blood vessel.

*

What are three French words all blacks know?

Coupe de ville.

*

What’s black and shines in the dark?

Oakland.

*

Why did God create the orgasm?

So blacks would know when to stop screwing.

*

What did Lincoln say after his five-day drunk?

“I freed who?”

*

Why do blacks wear white gloves?

So they don’t bite off the ends of their fingers when they’re eating Tootsie Rolls.

*

It was the first day of the new term at Princeton, and a black freshman was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished-looking upperclassman, he inquired, “Say, can you tell me where the library is at?”

“My good fellow,” came the reply, “at Princeton we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”

“All right,” said the freshman, “can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”

*

Three people die at the same moment and arrive at the gates of heaven at the same time. St. Peter greets them warmly and asks the first, “And what did you die of, may I ask?”

“The Big H,” says the fellow, a florid, over-weight type.

“Ah yes,” nods St. Peter, “the number one killer of men your age. Please step this way.”

The second person, a withered old man, attributes his death to “the Big C.”

“So sorry to hear it,” murmurs St. Peter. “This way, please.” And to the next person in line he asks, “Cause of death?”

The big black woman says, “De big G.”

“What in heavens name is ‘the Big G’?”

“Dat’s gonorrhea,” she answers.

“Madam,” says St. Peter stiffly, “one does not die of gonorrhea.”

“You does if you gives it to Big Leroy.”