truly2handi

 

Handicapped

 

 

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?

Bob.

*

What do you call the same guy in the ocean?

Skip.

*

What do you call the same guy at your door?

Matt.

*

What do you call the same guy tacked up on your wall?

Art.

*

How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?

Trying to read her own lips.

*

Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted to the Personals Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.

Phone calls started coming in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck the young woman’s fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door, she found a man with no arms or legs. “I’m terribly sorry,” she stammered, “but my ad was quite explicit. I’m really looking for something of a sexual expert, and you . . . uh . . . don’t have all the . . .”

“Listen,” the man interrupted her, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

*

What’s the hardest thing about eating vegetables?

The wheelchairs.

*

What’s the definition of endless love?

Ray Charles and Helen Keller playing tennis.

*

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can appreciate them too.

*

How do you tell the blind guy in a nudist colony?

It’s not hard.

*

There’s this really shy guy who never leaves his room. Although he’s desperately lonely for any sort of companionship, he’s terribly self-conscious about the fact that he has a wooden eye, and even though it’s not very noticeable he doesn’t want to expose himself to ridicule. Finally his best friend says, “Look, if you ever want to do anything with your life you’ve simply got to get out and about. Come with me to the prom on Saturday.”

With the greatest reluctance he agrees, and Saturday night finds him sitting on the bleachers in the high school gym while his friend dances away, until he notices a woman on the other side of the room. She’s not beautiful—in fact she has a harelip—and he screws up his courage to approach her.

“Would you like to dance?” he asks.

Her face lighting up, she cries, “Would I? Would I?”

“Harelip! Harelip!” he shouts back.

*

What has 30,000 feet and still can’t walk?

Jerry’s kids.

*

This guy has a blind date, and when she comes to the door his worst fears are realized: she’s a paraplegic. But he takes her out to dinner and the movies anyway, being a nice guy, and in the movie theater it doesn’t take long for things to work up to the heavy-breathing stage. Still, there she is in her wheelchair, and he’s pretty perplexed about how to take things to the next stage . . . if there’s going to be a next stage.

“Don’t worry,” she whispers in his ear. “Take me to the playground, and I’ll hang from the jungle gym.”

So he does just that, and they manage to have a pretty good time. She gets a little dirty and scratched up in the process though, and he’s somewhat apprehensive when her father comes to the door to let her in. “You see, sir . . . ” he begins, but her father interrupts him with effusive thanks. “Don’t worry about a thing, young man. The last three guys left her hanging there.”

*

Did you hear the one about the queer deaf mute?

Neither did he.

*

What goes, “Marc! Marc!?”

A dog with a harelip.

*

What goes, “Nort! Nort!?”

A bull with a cleft palate.