truly2homo

 

Homosexual

 

 

There are these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they find an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven-pound baby boy. They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.

Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle.

“Gee,” said one of them to the nurse, “he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn’t he?”

“Oh, he’s quiet now,” said the nurse, “but he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass.”

*

Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck driver. “Tell him we’re going to sue, sue, sue!” he shrieked.

Obligingly Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, “Ah, why doncha suck my cock.”

“Phil,” said Larry, coming back to their car, “I think we’re going to be able to settle out of court.”

*

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?

A Klondike.

*

How do you identify a bull dyke?

She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

*

What do you get when you cross a gay Eskimo and a black?

A snowblower that doesn’t work.

*

This guy is taking a leak in a public men’s room when a man enters with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. “Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?” he asks.

Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.

“Shake it off” is the next instruction, then “zip me up,” and the guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of being so helpless.

“Say, thanks,” says the man, flouncing to the door. “I guess my nails are dry now.”

*

What’s the definition of confusion?

Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

*

What’s the definition of a Bloody Mary?

A wounded faggot.

*

What do you call a lesbian opera singer?

A muff diva.

*

How can you tell when your roommate’s gay?

When his cock tastes like shit.

*

Did you hear about the gay Catholic?

He couldn’t decide whether the Pope was fabulous or simply divine.

*

Is it better to be born black or gay?

Black, because you don’t have to tell your parents.

*

What’s this? (Stick out your tongue.)

A lesbian with a hard-on.

*

How can you tell if you walk into a gay church?

Only half the congregation is kneeling.

*

Did you hear about the queer Indian?

He jumped into a canoe, took three strokes, and shot across the lake.

*

How about the queer burglar?

He couldn’t blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator.

*

What do lesbians like better than Calvin Klein jeans?

Billy Jeans.

*

Why don’t senators use bookmarks?

They just bend over the pages.

*

Why do gay men have mustaches?

To hide the stretch marks.

*

What do you call the zipper on a gay Italian’s pants?

A Mediterranean fruit fly.

*

What’s the definition of analingus?

Tongue-in-cheek.

*

Herbie had always done well in school and was doing even better in college, so his parents were a bit surprised to be summoned by the guidance counselor.

“I have some good news and some bad news, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson,” said the counselor. “The bad news is that Herbie is gay.”

Herbie’s parents blanched.

“The good news is that he’s going to be Homecoming Queen.”