truly2jew

 

Jewish

 

 

 

If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?

A fur coat.

*

What do you get when you cross a JAP and an Apple?

A computer that never goes down.

*

The Jewish grandmother was terribly proud of her four-month-old grandson, so she took him with her down to Miami Beach. The first morning she got him all decked out, and down they went to the beach, where she set him by the shore to play. But no sooner had she sat down in her beach chair than a huge tidal wave rose up and swept the baby away.

“God,” she said, standing up and shaking her fist at the sky, “you aren’t very nice! Here was this little baby boy, whose mother carried him for nine months, barely around for four. We haven’t even had time to get to know him or give him a happy life.”

In another instant the wave returned, setting the infant down unharmed on the sand. The grandmother looked him over, looked right back at the sky, and snapped, “He had a hat!”

*

Did you hear about the new brand of tires—Firestein?

They not only stop on a dime, they pick it up.

*

What’s the difference between a JAP and a bowl of Jell-O?

Jell-O shakes when you eat it.

*

There was a seventy-year-old mohel (that’s the person who performs ritual circumcisions for Jews, in case you didn’t know) who found to his horror that his hands were beginning to shake. Needless to say, in his line of work that was a serious liability, and he dashed off to see if he could get some sort of insurance policy.

A week later the insurance agent called him up. “Listen,” he said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

“Let me have it,” said the mohel.

“Well the good news is that I can get you a million-dollar policy, for one hundred dollars a year, no problem,” said the agent.

Wiping his forehead in relief, the mohel asked,”So what’s the bad news?”

“There’s a two-inch deductible.”

*

What’s a JAP’s favorite position?

Facing Bloomingdale’s.

*

What’s the difference between a JAP and the Bermuda Triangle?

The Bermuda Triangle swallows semen.

*

How do you know when a JAP’s having an orgasm?

She drops her emery board.

*

Why do JAPs only sleep with circumcised men?

They want 20% off everything.

*

Did you hear about the new movie called Altered Suits?

It’s the story of a Jewish man who takes acid and buys retail.

*

What’s the worst thing for a JAP about having a colostomy?

Trying to find shoes to match the bag.

*

What did one mink say to the other as they were taken out of their cages to be killed and skinned?

“See you in Temple.”

*

You can imagine the excitement when a Martian spaceship landed in a sunny suburban field and proved to be filled with intelligent, amicable beings. Jane Pauley managed to be the first television personality on the scene, and the chief Martian agreed to an exclusive interview on the “Today” show the next morning. As the cameras started to roll, she told the Martian how curious people on Earth were about his people, so she thought she’d just ask him a few general questions. The Martian graciously said that was fine with him.

“Tell me,” said Pauley, nervously clearing her throat, “do all of your people have seven fingers and toes?”

“Yes,” said the Martian, waving his slender green appendages in the air.

“And two heads? Everyone has those?”

“Oh yes,” said the Martian, nodding both enthusiastically.

“And also those lovely diamonds and rubies embedded in their chests as you do?” asked Pauley.

“Certainly not,” snapped the Martian. “Only the Jews.”

*

What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and a vulture?

A vulture waits till you’re dead to eat your heart out.

*

What’s a JAP’s idea of natural childbirth?

Absolutely no makeup.

*

Three nice Jewish widows decided to take an exotic vacation together, so off they went to darkest Africa on a photographic safari. The expedition pitched its tents deep in the jungle and the next morning set out on the first excursion, but Naomi was too tired to go along, despite her companions’ dismay. And no sooner were they out of earshot than a huge gorilla swept down from a tree, grabbed Naomi, and dragged her off to his nest to screw her mercilessly for three days. On that night, Sophie and Zelda, hysterical with grief, found a battered and bloody Naomi, semiconscious, outside their tent. Naomi was immediately airlifted back to Mount Sinai Hospital in New York where her two friends hovered by her side until, after many days, she was able to speak.

“Naomi, darling, speak to us,” beseeched her friends. “Did that creature abuse you? Are you in pain? What’s wrong? Say something!”

“What should I say? He never calls,” sobbed Naomi, “he never writes . . .”

*

What’s the difference between circumcision and crucifixion?

In a crucifixion, they throw out the whole Jew.

*

The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to his problem, took his hand, and said, “Pray to God.”

So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, “God, please help me. My son, my favorite son, he’s going to marry a shiksa, he sees nothing but goyim . . .”

“Your son,” boomed down this voice from the heavens, “you think you got problems. What about my son?”

*

What’s a JAP’s dream house?

Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.

*

God’s cleaning house, and he comes across these Commandments taking up valuable closet space. So he goes down to earth and offers them to the Roman emperors. “Not interested; we’re too busy having orgies,” is the response. Next God tries the Pharaohs, but the answer comes back, “Sorry, too busy building pyramids.” Finally giving up, God takes a walk in the desert, where who should He run across but Moses. “Would you be interested in some nice Commandments by any chance?” God asks.

“How much?” asks Moses.

“Why, they’re free.”

“I’ll take ten.”

*

Why do JAPs have crow’s feet?

From squinting and saying, “Suck what?”

*

Why do JAPs close their eyes while they’re fucking?

So they can pretend they’re shopping.

*

What’s the difference between a JAP and a canoe?

Canoes tip.

*

What did Mr. Mink give Mrs. Mink for Christmas?

A full-length Jew.

*

It’s quiz time in the parochial school, and Brother Michael offers a fifty-cent prize to the student who can name the greatest man who ever lived.

“Columbus,” offers Joey Rizzo.

“Pope John Paul II,” volunteers Jan Milowski.

“St. Francis of Assisi,” says Irving Feldman, whispering to a classmate, “I would’ve said Moses, but business is business.”

*

What’s a JAP’s favorite wine? (Say it aloud and it sounds like “whine.”)

“I wanna go to Floooorida...”

*

What’s the difference between a JAP and a barracuda?

Nail polish.

*

What does a JAP do during a nuclear holocaust?

Gets out her sun reflector.