truly2male

 

Male Anatomy

 

 

This fellow married a virgin and wanted to go to special pains to make sure her sexual inexperience wasn’t to be a cause of any tension or trouble. He explained that he didn’t ever want her to feel pressured into having sex with him, but wanted it to come of her own free will. “In fact, darling,” he said to her tenderly, “I think we should set up a little system in code to make all this as simple as possible. Here’s how it’ll work: when you want to have sex, pull my penis once; when you don’t want to have sex, pull my penis a hundred times.”

*

What did the Pole do before going to the cock fight?

Greased his zipper.

*

What’s the difference between “ooh” and “aah?”

About three inches.

*

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?

A thirty-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

*

Did you hear about the man who couldn’t spell?

He spent the night in a warehouse.

*

Why can’t you circumcise Iranians?

There’s no end to those pricks.

*

One night after their proprietor was asleep, the parts of the body were arguing about which had the toughest job. “I’ve really got it rough,” bemoaned the feet. “He puts me in these smelly sneakers, makes me jog till I’ve got blisters . . . it’s brutal!”

“You got nothing to complain about,” maintained the stomach. “Last night I got nothing but bourbon, pizza, and aspirin. It’s a miracle I kept it together.”

“Oh quit bitching, you two,” moaned the penis. “Every night, I’m telling you, he sticks me in a dark tunnel and makes me do push-ups until I throw up.”

*

There once was a pro football player called Smithers, whose main role was warming the bench. Every game he would put on his pads, smear his cheeks with charcoal, don his helmet and run out onto the field with the rest of the team; but play after play, game after game, season after season went by without Smithers ever being called into action.

One Saturday near the end of the season Smithers was feeling lousy. “Helene,” he asked his longtime girl friend, “I want you to do me a favor. Dress up in my uniform, smear your face, put on my helmet, and sit on the bench for me this game. You know I never play, and nobody’ll ever know.”

Helene required some additional convincing but finally agreed, and sure enough, no one on Smithers’ team gave her the time of day. The first half passed without event; she hung out in the locker room during halftime; the third quarter went by smoothly, and it wasn’t until the last quarter that one man after another started falling to injuries. The bench grew emptier and emptier and finally, in desperation, the coach barked, “Smithers, get in there!”

Rather panicked, Helene went out onto the field, crouched down in the lineup, and was knocked cold within the first three seconds of play. When she came to, the coach was vigorously massaging her pussy. “Don’t worry, Smithers,” he said nervously, “once we get your balls back in place, your cock’ll pop right up.”

*

What’s the definition of conceit?

A mosquito with a hard-on floating down the river on his back shouting, “Open the drawbridge!”

*

An international conference of sexologists was convened to determine once and for all why the penis is shaped the way it is. Each national delegation had done extensive research and was to announce its results.

Said the French spokesman, “We have spent five million francs and can now firmly state zat ze penis is ze shape it is in order to give pleasure to ze woman.”

“I say,” said the British representative, “we’ve spent thirty thousand pounds and are quite sure that the shape is in order to give maximum pleasure to the man.”

“We’ve spent a million bucks,” drawled the American, “and there’s no further doubt about the fact that it’s that shape so your hand doesn’t slip off the end.”

*

What’s the dumbest part of a man?

His prick. (It’s got no brains, its best friends are two nuts, and it lives next door to an asshole.)

*

When Paddy O’Brian died, Father Flannigan was there to console the bereaved widow. “You know, Molly, the whole community is here to help you through this time of sorrow,” he said, “and of course you know I’ll do anything I can for you.”

Parting her veil and drying her tear-stained cheeks, the widow whispered a single request in Father Flannigan’s ear. The priest blushed scarlet and refused outright, but the widow continued her pleas and finally he gave in. He left, saying, “Give me twenty-four hours.”

The next day he showed up at the house with something in a brown paper bag.

The widow popped the contents into a pot on the stove, and it was boiling away when a neighbor dropped by. “I say, Molly,” said the neighbor opening the lid, “isn’t that Paddy’s penis?”

“Indeed it is,” said Molly. “All his life I had to eat it his way, and now I’m eating it mine.”

*

What three two-letter words can best dampen a man’s ardor in bed?

“Is it in?”

*

How can a real man tell when his girlfriend’s having an orgasm?

Real men don’t care.

*

What’s a guy with a 12-inch cock have for breakfast?

Well, this morning I had two eggs over easy, whole wheat toast, and coffee . . . .

*

What has a thousand teeth and eats wienies?

A zipper.

*

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dicktater.

*

Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?

Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

*

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short-term relationships. “Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly.

“The only foolproof way,” counseled the therapist, “is by the size of his feet.”

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone out. By the bedside table was a $50 bill and a note that read, “With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.”

*

What’s the difference between anxiety and panic?

Anxiety is the first time you can’t do it a second time, and panic is the second time you can’t do it the first time.

*

This 600-pound guy decides he can’t go on living this way, so he seeks the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four months later he’s down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. He’s covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be.

He calls up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. “There’s a special surgical procedure to correct this condition,” the doctor assures him. “Just come on over to the clinic.”

“But doctor,” says the one-time fatty, “you don’t understand. I’m too embarrassed to be seen in public like this.”

“Don’t give it another thought,” says the doctor. “Simply pull up all the folds as high as they’ll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put on a top hat, and come on over.”

The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse’s desk, dying of self-consciousness.

“The doctor will be right with you,” says the nurse. “Say, what’s that hole in the middle of your forehead?”

“My belly button,” blurts out the guy, “how d’ya like my tie?”

*

Did you hear about the flasher who decided to retire?

Yeah, but he changed his mind and decided to stick it out another year.