truly2var

 Ethnic Jokes—Variegated

 

 

Why do Italian men have mustaches?

So they can look like their mothers.

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What’s Irish and comes out in the springtime?

Patio furniture.

(Paddy O’ Furniture. . . get it?)

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Did you hear about the advertisement for Italian army rifles?

“Never been shot and only dropped once.”

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What do you get when you cross a Pole and a Chicano?

A kid who spray-paints his name on chain-link fences.

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What are the first three words a Puerto Rican child learns?

“Attention K-Mart shoppers. . .”

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Two guys are walking along, and Harry keeps going on about how he hates Italians. “Greasy wops,” he grumbles, “always makin’ noise. And talk about dumb . . . Wish they’d go back where they came from.”

In the middle of this harangue, they come to a street corner where there’s an organ grinder. He really looks the part: one earring, tattered gypsy jacket, and is loudly singing “O Sole Mio.” So Phil is astonished when Harry digs a $1 bill out of his pocket and gives it to the organ grinder’s little monkey.

“What’d you do that for?” he asks. “I thought you hated Italians.”

“I do,” sighs Harry, “But they’re so cute when they’re young.”

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Why do Puerto Ricans throw away their garbage in clear plastic bags?

So Italians can go window shopping.

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A black, an Irishman, and an Italian are trying out for a TV quiz show. The emcee explains that all they have to do is complete the sentence and spell the word they come up with. All three candidates nod in understanding. The announcer’s voice booms out the first question: “Old MacDonald had a _________”

“Farm,” says the Italian. “F. . . a . . . r . . . m . . . e.”

“I’m sorry,” says the announcer. “Right word,wrong spelling. Next, please: Old MacDonald had a _________”

“House,” says the Irishman. “H . . . o . . . u . . . s . . . e.”

“So sorry,” says the announcer. “Wrong word, right spelling. Next, please: Old MacDonald had a _________”

“Farm!” says the black guy. “E . . . i . . . e . . .i . . . o.”

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Why did God invent golf?

So that white people could dress up like black people.

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A Jew and an Irishman are having a lofty discussion about sex, the Irishman maintaining that it’s work and the Jew that it’s pleasure. Unable to come to an agreement, they agree to discuss it further at another date.

At their next meeting, the Irishman announces triumphantly that he had checked with his priest.” He says it’s work, purely for the purpose of pro-creation, you see?”

The Jew is far from satisfied, and goes to talk the matter over with his rabbi. Reporting on his findings to the Irishman, the Jew says, “My rabbi says it must be pleasure, because if it was work we’d have the blacks do it.”

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What’s the difference between an Italian grand-mother and an elephant?

Fifty pounds and a black dress.

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What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?

A dry Martinez.

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How do you solve the Puerto Rican problem?

Tell the blacks they taste like fried chicken.

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What do you get when you cross a Chinaman and a hooker?

Someone who’ll suck your laundry.

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A four-passenger plane is halfway across the Pacific when it becomes obvious that it’s having serious engine troubles. Eventually the captain comes over the PA system to make a grave announcement. “Passengers,” he says grimly, “I’m afraid that with our current load, this plane is never going to make it to land. In fact, the only way any of us are going to make it, since there’s no cargo aboard, is by jettisoning passengers. Now since I’m the captain, I’ve got to stay put, but I’m sure we’ve got three gentlemen aboard who will sacrifice themselves for the greater good.”

“Vive la France!” exclaims a young Frenchman and, clutching his beret, opens the emergency hatch and plummets out of sight.

After a slight pause, a stout British man stands up. “Long live the Queen!” he says proudly, making for the door.

There’s a long pause, following which a big Texan stands up. Grabbing the hapless Mexican sitting next to him, he tosses him out of the hatch,shouting, “Remember the Alamo!”

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During a strategic battle of World War II, a Jew, a black, and an Irishman had the misfortune to be blown to smithereens by the same shell. And so they found themselves at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greeted the Irishman first. “My boy,” he said, “it’s obvious to me that you’ve been fighting on the side of Good and Justice, and to reward you, I’m giving you a second chance at life on earth. Get along now.”

Rather unable to believe his good fortune, the Irishman stumbled into the bivouac to report to his commanding officer. “My God, man,” stammered the incredulous officer, “how’d you get back here . . . and what happened to your companions?”

“Well, sir,” explained the soldier, “St. Peter let me back to earth for free, and when I left the Jew was trying to get St. Pete down from $100 to$19.99, and the black was trying to get someone to co-sign a loan.”

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On a transatlantic run a freighter came across three survivors of a shipwreck, bobbing about, sunburned and thirsty, in a rubber raft. The freighter’s captain, a Britisher, leaned over the side and shouted, “I’d like to rescue you fellows, but I’ve a few questions first.” Of the first man, a hardy Welshman, he asked, “What was the worst disaster in naval history?”

“That would be the sinking of the Titanic,” replied the Welshman, and the captain threw down a rope and pulled him up.

The next question he posed to the Irishman: “Can you tell me how many died?”

“Td say about 1,250 people,” came the reply, and a rope was dropped over the side to pull him aboard.

“You’re from Australia, aren’t you?” said the captain to the lone man in the raft, turning away from the rail. “Name ‘em.”

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How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?

“Trust me.”

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What’s black and white and red all over?

An interracial couple in a car wrec.

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Did you hear that Alitalia and El Al were merging to form a new airline?

It’s going to be called Well I’ll Tell Ya . . .

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This little Jewish guy, couldn’t weigh more than seventy pounds, goes to Houston on business. He checks into the hotel, which is fifty stories high, and is shown into a suite the size of a ballroom. Overwhelmed, he goes down to the bar and is served a glass it takes him both hands to lift. “Everything’s big in Texas, pal,” says the bartender with a wink.

When his steak dinner arrives, the plate can’t even be seen. “Hey, everything’s big in Texas,” says the waiter.

Finally, overcome by all of this, the little guy decides it’s time to hit his super-king-size bed, only to lose his way in the hotel’s vast corridors. Opening the door of a darkened room, he falls into the swimming pool with a great splash—and surfaces to shriek, “Don’t flush!”

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Did you hear about the Italian engineer who invented a car so energy-efficient it didn’t need any gas at all?

It’s called the Ronzoni Downhill.

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Or about the Italian driver in the Indianapolis 500 who had to make seven pit stops . . . to ask directions?

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How do you get forty Haitians in a shoebox?

Tell ‘em it floats.

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What’s an innuendo?

An Italian suppository.

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Why do Mexicans drive low-riders?

So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.

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What did the Mexican do with his first 50-cent piece?

Married her.

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Why don’t Mexicans have barbecues?

The beans fall through the grill.

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How many cigars does it take to kill ten Mexicans?

Juan Corona.

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In America, they say, “It’s 10:00—do you know where your children are?”

In England, they say, “It’s 10:00—do you know where your wife is?”

In France, they say, “It’s 10:00—do you know where your husband is?”

In Poland, they say, “It’s 10:00—do you know what time it is?”

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Why don’t Puerto Ricans like blow jobs?

They’re afraid they’ll interfere with their unemployment benefits.

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What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?

The Italian mother says, “If you don’t eat all the food on this plate, I’ll kill you.”

 

The Jewish mother says, “If you don’t eat all the food on this plate, I’ll kill myself.”

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What’s brown and has holes in it?

Swiss shit.

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What do they use in a Mexican baptism?

Bean dip.

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Why do Mexicans eat refried beans?

Ever seen a Mexican that didn’t fuck things up the first time around?

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Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

Because they couldn’t fit all that shit into a sneaker.

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How does God make Puerto Ricans?

By sandblasting blacks.

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Did you hear about the Italian who picked his nose apart to see what made it run?

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What’s Jewish foreplay?

A trip to the jewelry store followed by a half hour of begging.

 

Puerto Rican foreplay?

“Is your husband back from work yet, Carmen?”

 

Black foreplay?

“Don’t scream or I’ll kill you.”

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Did you hear about the Greek boy who left home because he didn’t like the way he was being reared?

He came back because he couldn’t leave his brothers behind.

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Why do Mexican women wear long skirts?

To hide the no-pest strips.

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Why do Italians bury their dead with their asses sticking up out of the ground?

So they’ll have somewhere to park their bicycles.

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Know what Greek lipstick is?

Preparation H.

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What’s the definition of a cad?

An Italian who doesn’t tell his wife he’s sterile until she’s pregnant.

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How come the Mexican Army only used 600 soldiers at the Alamo?

They only had two cars.

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How do you kill an Italian?

Smash the toilet seat down on his head while he’s getting a drink.

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Why do Mexicans’ cars have such small steering wheels?

So they can drive with handcuffs on.

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What’s the definition of a maniac?

An Italian in a whorehouse with a credit card.

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How do you get two Mexicans off your roof?

Jerk one off and the other’ll come too.

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Who won the race down the tunnel—the black or the Pole?

The Pole, because the black had to stop and write “motherfucker” on the wall.

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How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the witness.

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What do you call a Vietnamese family with one dog?

Vegetarians.

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What do you call a Vietnamese family with two dogs?

Ranchers.

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How many Mexicans does it take to grease a car?

One, if you hit him right.