truly3celeb

 

Celebrities

 

 

Did you hear about the all-expenses-paid vacation for losers?

—Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.

—Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.

—Ted Kennedy’s your chauffeur on the island.

—You go yachting with Natalie Wood.

—You have drinks with William Holden.

—And Roman Polanski stays home and watches your kids.

 

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Why does Nancy Reagan always get on top?

Because Ronnie can only fuck up.

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What’s yellow and sleeps alone?

Yoko Ono.

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Why can’t Santa Claus have babies?

He only comes once a year, and it’s down a chimney.

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Did you hear Karen Carpenter’s brother’s new song?

“She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Sister.”

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Why is Billie Jean King so good at tennis?

Because she swings both ways.

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Why does Linda Ronstadt sing so slow?

Because she has a governor on her.

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What’s grosser than grease on Olivia Newton-John?

“Come on Eileen.”

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Have you seen Dolly Parton’s new shoes?

Neither has she.

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What’s the sweat between Dolly Parton’s tits?

Mountain Dew.

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What’s Dolly Parton’s favorite candy bar?

Mounds.

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Who is Billie Jean King’s latest corporate sponsor?

Snap-On Tools of America.

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What kind of car does Renée Richards drive?

A convertible.

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What’s fuzzy, smokes, and comes in cubes?

Fidel Castro.

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What’ll it take to reunite the Beatles?

Three more bullets.

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Did you hear about the Ayatollah Khomeini doll?

Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.

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Famous Quotes: “You can never be too rich or too thin.”

—Karen Carpenter

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Clark Gable and the Pope died on the same day. Due to a celestial bureaucratic snafu, the Pope was sent to hell. And Clark Gable went to heaven.

The Pope, obviously in the wrong place, wasn’t there five minutes before he had convinced those in charge of the mistake. In the blink of an eye, the Pope was whisked to the pearly gates. As he walked through the portals, he encountered Gable coming out.

“I’m truly sorry about this, my son,” said the sympathetic pontiff, “but I’ve waited my whole life to kneel at the feet of the Blessed Virgin Mary.”

Gable flashed his world-famous grin.

“Too late, padre,” he said.

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What’s brown, soft, and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven’s First Movement.