truly3handi

 

Handicapped

 

 

A man went into a bar after work one day, and after a beer or two he noticed a man passed out in the corner. After an hour or so the fellow was still very drunk and incoherent, so, being a nice guy, the first man decided to take him home. He looked up the drunk's address in his wallet, then started struggling to get the man out to his car. Dragging, heaving, and finally carrying the man, he finally reached his car; then the process had to be repeated in front of the drunk's house. At last the nice guy got the man up to the door and rang the bell, which was promptly answered by a pleasant-looking woman.

“Oh, thank you so much for bringing him home,” she said. “But Where's his wheelchair?”

*

A man with a very bad lisp went into a store to buy some nuts. “How muth are your cathews?” he asked the fellow behind the counter.

“Fifteen dollars a pound,” answered the storekeeper.

“How muth are your pecanth?”

“Twenty dollars a pound,” was the answer. “And the peanuths?” he lisped. “Eight dollars a pound.”

“Okay,” said the customer, “I’ll take half a pound of pecanth and half a pound of peanuth, and thankth for not making fun of my lithp.”

“I understand,” said the storekeeper kindly. “You see, I have a rather big nose.”

“Goth, ith that your noth? I thought your nuth were tho high that that wath your dick!”

*

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. “Wow,” comments the midget, “those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”

Surprised—and flattered—the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

“Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,” says the little fellow, “but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them.” Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, “Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!”

*

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A nightcrawler.

*

What do you call a girl who's just been run over by a car?

Patty.

*

What do you call a man who has a toe growing here (point to knee)?

Tony.

*

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs, on the bottom of the ocean?

Sandy.

*

What do you call the same guy in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

*

One day in the bell tower, Quasimodo decides he wants a day off at least once a week. He puts an ad in the paper and an armless dwarf applies for the job. Quasimodo asks him how he can possibly ring the bell and the armless dwarf says, “Watch this!” He takes a running start and hits the bell with his face to ring it. Then he takes another running start and rings the bell again. Then he takes another running start and misses the bell and falls out the window of the tower. When the police come to ask for witnesses they ask Quasimodo if he knows the man's name. Quasimodo replies, “No, but his face rings a bell.”

*

Little Johnny was showing off his homemade motor scooter to his best friend, Jimmy.

“Where’d you get the motor?” asked Jimmy.

“My dad’s iron lung,” said Johnny.

“What did your dad say about that?” asked Jimmy.

“‘AARRGGHHH!’” said Johnny.