trulyanimals

 

Animals

 

 

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

“Spot!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young man’s feet.

Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

“Spot!” she called out sharply.

“I’ve got it made,” thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he shits on you!”

*

If a stork delivers white babies and a crow delivers black babies, what kind of bird delivers no babies?

A swallow.

*

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing. He can’t come when you call.

*

What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?

A dildo.

*

This little kid is taking a walk with his father around the neighborhood and what should they come across in an empty lot but two dogs going at it furiously. “Daddy,” asked the kid, tugging on his father’s sleeve, “what are those dogs doing?”

“Well, Billy,” said his father, “they’re making puppies.”

A week later Billy gets thirsty in the middle of the night and wanders into his parents’ bedroom, catching them in the act. “Daddy,” he asks plaintively, “what are you and Mommy doing?”

“Well, Billy,” says his slightly red-faced father, “we’re making babies.”

“Daddy, Daddy,” cries Billy, “roll her over—I’d rather have puppies.”

What do you call a cow who’s had an abortion?

Decaffeinated.

*

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

*

What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind before hitting the windshield at 80 mph?

Its asshole.

*

A man was surprised by the sight of a fellow walking down the sidewalk holding a three-legged pig on a leash. Unable to restrain his curiosity, he crossed the street and said to the guy, “That’s quite a pig you have there.”

“Let me tell you about this pig,” said the guy. “This pig is the most amazing animal that ever lived. Why, one night my house caught on fire when my wife and I were out, and this pig carried my three children to safety and put out the fire before the firemen could get there.”

“Wow!” said the first man. “But what about—”

“And that’s not all,” interrupted the guy. “My house was broken into when my wife and I were sound asleep, and this pig had the valuables back in place and the thief in a half nelson before we got to the bottom of the stairs.”

“That’s pretty impressive,” conceded his listener. “But how come—”

“And listen to this!” burst in the guy. “When I fell through some thin ice while skating, this pig dove in and pulled me out and safely to shore. This pig saved my life!”

“That’s really great,” said the first man, “but I have to know one thing. How come the pig only has three legs?”

“Hey listen,” replied the proud owner, “a pig like this you can’t eat all at once.”

*

What’s brown and white, lives in the forest, and doesn’t have a mother?

Bambi.

*

This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging on the porch by moving around to the horse’s hindquarters, lifting up its tail, and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.

“What’d you do that for?” asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.

“Chapped lips,” said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.

“Wait a minute,” said the old guy. “Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?”

“Keeps ya from lickin’ ’em,” explained the cowboy.

*

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they screw?

They have cotton balls.

*

A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved cat in his brother’s care. The minute he’s cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet.

“Your cat’s dead,” replies his brother bluntly.

The guy is devastated. “You know how much that cat meant to me,” he moaned into the phone. “Couldn’t you at least have thought of a nicer way of breaking the news? Couldn’t you have said, Well, you know, the cat got out of the house one day and climbed up on the roof, and the fire department couldn’t get her down, and finally she died of exposure . . . or starvation . . . or something? Why are you always so thoughtless?”

“Look, I’m sorry,” said his brother. “Ill try to do better next time.”

“Okay, let’s just put it behind us. How are you, anyway? How’s Mom?”

His brother is silent a moment. “Uh,” he stammers, “uh . . . Mom’s on the roof.”

*

Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?

Kermit likes sweet-and-sour pork.

*

This guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head. “May I help you?” politely inquires the psychiatrist.

“Yeah,” says the duck. “Get this guy off my ass.”

*

What’s the difference between a rooster and a whore?

A rooster says cock-a-doodle-doo; a whore says, “Any cock’ll do.”

 

How about the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

A rooster clucks defiance . . .

*

Do you know why the British ships came back from the Falkland Islands full of sheep?

War brides.

*

This big black guy comes into a bar in the deep South with an alligator on a leash. “You serve martinis?” he asks the bartender, who’s eyeing him suspiciously.

“Yes, we do.”

“You serve niggers?”

“Yes, we do.”

“I’ll have a martini for myself,” says the guy, “and a nigger for my alligator.”

*

What do elephants use for condoms?

Goodyear blimps.

*

Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

*

Why does an elephant have four feet?

Eight inches isn’t enough.

*

Where’s an elephant’s sex organ?

In his feet. If he steps on you, you’re fucked.

*

What do you do when you come across an elephant?

Wipe it off.

*

Did you hear about the alligators in Florida sporting little Jews on their T shirts?

*

How about the flamingos in Florida with pink cement Italians on their lawns?

*

What do you get when you cross a Pole and a monkey?

Nothing. A monkey’s too smart to fuck a Pole.

*

Did you hear about James Watts’ appearance on Julia Child’s cooking class?

Giving lessons in how to carve a California condor . . .

*

How can you tell if you’re overweight?

If you step on your dog’s tail and it dies.

*

Why do crabs have circles under their eyes?

From sleeping in snatches.