trulycruel

 

Cruelty to Animals

 

Bumper sticker: NUKE THE WHALES!

*

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

“Okay, Rover,” said the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in ten minutes had constructed a full-scale model of Chartres Cathedral out of toothpicks. Pretty impressive, everyone agreed, and the architect gave Rover a cookie.

“Hit it, Spot,” said the doctor, and Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean section on a cow, with mom and baby coming through the operation in fine shape. Not bad, conceded the other two, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

“Go, Fella,” ordered the lawyer. So Fella fucked the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

*

An elephant was walking along the jungle path when he got a thorn in his foot. He was unable to extract it and gave up all hope until an ant came along the same path. “Ant,” said the elephant, “will you get this thorn out of my foot?”

“If I get to do what I want to do,” piped the ant.

And what was that, inquired the elephant.

“I want to fuck you in the ass,” the ant replied.

Well, the elephant's foot was hurting pretty badly by then, so he told the ant he had a deal (and besides, how bad could it be?). After a few minutes the ant succeeded in working the thorn free. “Are you ready now, elephant?” he piped. Being an honorable elephant, he conceded he was as ready as he was ever going to be and lay still while the ant made his laborious way around to his ass, heaved his tail out of the way, and began to fuck him in the ass.

A monkey high in a tree witnessed the entire transaction. Unable to contain his hysteria at the sight of the ant pumping away at the elephant's rear, he began to heave coconuts down at them; beast. He managed to hit the elephant square on the head, eliciting a pained, “Ouch!”

“Take it all, bitch!” squealed the ant.

*

What can you do with a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag.

*

A guy comes into a bar and the first thing he sees in the middle of the room is an enormous alligator. He spins around and is hustling out the door when the bartender says, “Hey, hold it! Come on back in; this alligator's tame. Look, I'll show you.”

He comes out from behind the bar, tells the alligator to open its mouth, unzips his pants and whips it out, and stands there with his pecker in the alligator's mouth for a full fifteen minutes.

“Pretty amazing, huh?” he says, turning around and zipping himself up. “You wanna give it a try?”

“Gee, I don't think so,” says the first man. “I don't think I could keep my mouth open for fifteen minutes.”

*

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her in a beautiful, shining blue gown and tells her she can have any three wishes she wants.

“Well,” says the little old lady, “I guess I'd like to be really rich.”

And—poof!—her rocking chair turns into solid gold.

“And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being changed into a lovely young princess.”

And—poof!—she's metamorphosed into a dazzling young woman.

“You get a third wish,” reminds the fairy godmother gently, and just then the old lady's cat walks across the porch in front of them.

“Can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks, and—poof!—there before her stands a young man more handsome than her wildest imaginings.

With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, “Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?”

*

Did you hear about the Polish fox that caught its paw in a trap?

It gnawed off three feet before it got free.

*

What does an elephant use for a vibrator?

An epileptic.

*

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

*

A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest girl there. “This is a very special frog, “ he informs her. “His name is Charlie.”

“What's so special about this frog?” she asks. He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, “This frog can eat pussy.”

The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and says, “Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!”

The frog is immobile, despite his owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.

“Okay, Charlie,” says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, Tm only going to show you one more time.”

*

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies.

*

How do you get virgin wool?

From ugly sheep.

*

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big, flat feet?

To stamp out flaming ducks.

*

What did one Muppet say to the other?

“I can't talk now—I've got a frog in my throat.”

*

What's red and green and goes up and down and up and down?

A frog in a blender.

*

What do you get when you cross a Pole and a gorilla?

A retarded gorilla.

*

A man comes into a tavern and puts his legless dog down on the bar. The bartender comes up to ask him for his order and says, by way of friendly conversation, “What's your dog's name?”

“He doesn't have a name,” says the man.

The bartender fixes a second round and, in the process, can't resist asking, “C'mon, what's the dog's name?”

“I told you he doesn't have one.”

Over the third round the bartender leans conspiratorially over the bar and says, “I just can't believe you. Every dog has a name.”

“Not this one,” says the man. “What's the good of it? He can't come when I call.”

*

What do you call a masturbating bull?

Beef Stroganoff.

*

This blind fellow walked into Macy's with his seeing-eye dog and headed straight for the men's department. Surrounded by pajamas and neckties, he proceeded to come to a stop, pick up bis German Shepherd by the hind legs, and swing the dog around and around in a circle.

A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, “Sir . . . may I help you with anything?''

“No thanks,” said the blind man, “just looking.”

*

What's invisible and smells like rabbit?

Bunny farts.

*

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked pretty terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

“I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache . . . and he came down by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.

“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his little flea arms. “You go to the stewardesses' lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on a toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stew comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice, warm ride. Got it?”

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, whom should he see but Oscar—looking more chilled and miserable than before.

“Listen,” said Oscar before the other flea could say a word, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardesses' lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, made a perfect landing, and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.”

“And so?” asked the flea.

“And so the next thing I know I'm on some guy's mustache ...”

*

How can you tell when an elephant's got her period?

There's a nickel on the bedstand, and your mattress is missing.