trulyfem

 

Female Anatomy

 

A young man was raised in the Australian outback by his father alone, who, not wanting him to get into any trouble, told him to stay away from women. “They have teeth down there,” he explained, and let the impressionable boy's imagination do the rest.

In time, however, the fellow's father died. He saw friends getting married and starting families, and he decided it was time to get on with it. So he found himself a willing girl—who was rather disappointed when the consummation consisted of a peck on the cheek alone. The second night she dolled herself up in her sheerest negligée, only to find that once again he pecked her on the cheek, rolled over, and went to sleep. On the third night she caught him before the snores began and proceeded to give him a brief lecture on the birds and the bees and his conjugal duties.

“Oh, no, you don't!” the new husband cried. “I know about you women. You've got teeth down there, and I ain't coming anywhere near.”

Well, the bride roared with laughter and invited her husband around the bed for a close inspection. Cautiously he came over and proceeded to look things over with great care. Finally he stuck up his head.

“You're right,” he proclaimed. “You've got no teeth, and yours gums are in terrible condition!”

*

What does an elephant use for a tampon?

A sheep.

*

Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with a stretcher.

“But doctor,” he protested; “Ifeel fine.”

Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. “Looks good, feels good . . . No, you look like hell. Looks good, feels terrible . . . Nah, you feel fine, right?” Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, “Looks terrible, feels terrible . . . Nope,that won't do it either.” Finally, “Looks terrible, feels terrific . . . Aha! You're a vagina!”

*

Did you hear why Polish women can't use vibrators?

They chip their teeth.

*

What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

Nobody eats parsley.

*

Did you hear about the new New Wave band called the Toxic Shock Syndrome?

Their new hit's called “Ragtime.”

*

What's green and slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?

Kermit's finger.

*

It was a hot summer day in the ghetto, and a bunch of little kids were sitting around with no money, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Until someone's dad stuck his head out the window, gave some money to his kid, and told them to get lost and have a good time.

The kid dashed down the block with the others running after him and, much to their astonishment, disappeared into the corner drugstore. After a few minutes he emerged, carrying something in a paper bag. His friends crowded around, demanding to see what he'd bought with the money, and were not at all pleased to see him pull out a box of Tampax.

“Hey, man,” they groaned, “we wanted to go out and find ourselves a good time with that money. Why'd you go an' buy that shit fo’?”

“Dat's why I got it,” the boy explained. “It say right here on the box: You can go swimmin', you can go horseback riding . . .”

*

How can you tell a Pole designed the lower half of a woman's anatomy?

Who else would put the shithole so close to the snack bar?

*

You know how these days everyone wants a second opinion? Well, this lady had been going to a psychiatrist for years, and one day she decided she'd had enough of it. “Doctor,” she said, walking into his office, “I've been seeing you every week for five years now. I don't feel any better. I don't feel any worse. What's the story? I want you to level with me: what's wrong with me?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I’ll tell you. You're crazy.”

“Now wait just a minute,” the woman protested. “I want a second opinion.”

“Okay,” said the doctor. “You're ugly, too.”

*

On the eve of her wedding the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that—unbeknownst to her fiancé—she was not a virgin. “No problem,'' said the friend. “Go out and buy a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you before the time comes. You'll feel nice and tight, and hell never know the difference.”

So the bride went ahead with the plan, and on the wedding night the couple went crazy. They fucked on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the bathroom, in the bed. So the bride was truly astonished to wake up the next morning to find her new husband gone, the only trace of him a note on the bedside table. “Dearest,” it read, I love you very much, but I've realized we can't go on like this and can never have a life together. Farewell. P.S. your vagina is in the sink.”

*

Why do tampons have strings?

So you can floss after you eat.

*

What's red and has seven little dents in it?

Snow White's cherry.

*

This guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a bourbon and water. . . and get that douche bag down there whatever she'd like to drink,” motioning toward a young woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

“Listen, buddy,” says the bartender, “this is a family place, and I’ll thank you not to use that sort of language in here.”

“Okay, okay,” says the guy, “just get me a bourbon and water and get that douche bag a drink too.”

“That's a perfectly nice young lady,” sputters the bartender, “and—”

“I'm getting thirsty,'' interrupts the guy, “and you better hurry up with the douche bag's order.”

The bartender gives up and moves down the bar, rather shamefacedly asking the woman, “The gentleman at the bar would like to offer you a drink—What’ll you have?”

“Vinegar and water, thanks,” she replies.

*

Do you know why women have cunts?

So men will talk to them.

*

This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. “Put your finger inside me,” she asks, and he's only too happy to oblige.

“Put another finger inside me,” she orders, moaning in pleasure.

“Put your whole hand inside me.”

“Put both hands inside me.”

“Now clap.”

“I can't!" the guy protests.”

“Tight, huh?” she smiles.

*

How do you fuck a fat girl?

Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

*

Two women are sitting on the front stoop, passing the time. “Damnit,” says one to the other, “my husband came home with a dozen roses. I'm gonna have to spend all weekend with my legs in the air.”

“Why?” asks her friend. “Don't you have a vase?”

*

Why do women have two holes?

So that when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.

*

What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?

“Good morning, girls.”

*

What's the difference between garbage and a girl from New Jersey?

Sometimes garbage gets picked up.

*

How can you tell if your girlfriend's too fat?

If she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.

*

What do Picasso and Princess Anne have in common?

Blue periods.

*

“Ya got no tits and a tight box,” snarled the guy to his girlfriend.

“Get off my back!" she snapped.

*

Why's pubic hair curly?

You'd poke your eye out if it were straight.

*

What's the difference between a nymphomaniac and a lover?

A lover stops to eat.

*

Why do women slap Polish midgets?

Because they're always telling them how nice their hair smells.

*

Why don't they let women swim in the ocean any more?

They can't get the smell out of the fish.

*

How can you tell when a Polish woman's not wearing any underwear?

By the dandruff on her shoes.

*

What do control-top pantyhose and Brooklyn have in common?

Flatbush.

*

Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?

He could read lips.

*

“There's a new feminine-hygiene spray out on the market,” confided Sandra to Denise at Denise's Tupperware party. “It's called SSY.”

“Oh yeah?” said Denise. “How come?”

“That's what you get when you take the PU out of pussy.”

*

What has eighteen legs and two tits?

The Supreme Court.

*

A doctor was performing a routine gynecological examination when he happened upon a tea-bag. When he asked his patient about it, she looked up in horror and exclaimed, “Oh my God! Then what did I put in the hot water?”

*

There was once a young man who was fixated on the female breast, and he decided to seek professional help. The first test his new psychotherapist performed was one of simple word-association. “Simply say the first word that comes into your mind,” the doctor explained. “Orange.”

“Breast,” said the young man without hesitation.

“Plum,” said the doctor.

“Breast,” said the young man.

“Grapefruit,” said' the doctor.

“Breast,” said the young man.

“Windshield wipers,” said the doctor.

“Breast,” said the young man.

“Now just hold on a second,” said the doctor. “Oranges I can see reminding you of breasts. Plums, maybe; grapefruit if you're stretching it. But windshield wipers?”

“Sure,” said the young man. “First this one, then that one . . .”

*

There was a promiscuous young couple making out in the back seat of a car. Temperatures were rising and things were getting pretty intense, and finally the girl gasped, “Oh darling, darling, kiss me where it smells.”

So he drove her to New Jersey.

*

What's the difference between a bowling ball and pussy?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

*

Why did God invent booze?

So that fat, ugly girls could get laid, too.

*

Why do little Polish girls put fish in their underwear?

So they'll smell like big Polish girls.

*

A young couple was making out feverishly on her parents' sofa a few days before their wedding. “Oh baby,'' moaned the groom-to-be, “please let me see your breasts. I just wanna look.” His fiancée blushed and protested, but unbuttoned her shirt.

“Oh honey,” he moaned, “let me kiss them.”

“Don't you think we should wait till the wedding?” she asked, but it was already too late.

Pretty soon he was begging her to take off her panties. “I just wanna look, I swear,” he panted.

“I really think we should wait till the wedding like we said we would,” she said, but was finally persuaded by the fact that he was just going to look.

Well, she was adamant about not letting him kiss her down there, insisting that was something special they should wait for. But after a good half hour of artful argument, he had his way. Only to stick his head up a moment later and say anxiously, “Baby, you think that'll keep till Sunday?”

*

Why did God create women?

Because sheep can't cook.

*

What's a perfect 10?

A woman about waist-high with no teeth and a flat head you can rest your drink on.

*

What's a Cinderella 10?

A woman who sucks and fucks till midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.

*

Did you hear about the new feminine-hygiene product?

It's called Toxic Shock Absorbers.