trulyjew

 

Jewish

 

What's the Jewish version of foreplay?

Half an hour of begging.

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Do you know how to keep Jews out of the country club?

Let one in, and hell keep the rest out.

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This black guy was walking down the street, kicking rubbish out of his way, when he spotted something amid the trash that gleamed strangely. It turned out to be an oddly shaped bottle, and when he rubbed it, a Jewish genie appeared. I’ll give you two wishes,” intoned the genie.

“Far out,” said the black guy. “First, I want to be white, uptight, and out of sight. Second, I want to be surrounded by warm, sweet pussy.”

So the genie turned him into a tampon.

The moral of the story: You can't get anything from a Jew without strings attached.

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Why is money green?

Because the Jews pick it before it's ripe.

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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?

Somebody dropped a quarter.

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Why do Jews have such big noses?

Because air is free.

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What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?

He breaks his nose.

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What's a Jewish dilemma?

Free ham.

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What's the definition of a queer Jew?

Someone who likes girls more than money.

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How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you?

Marry her.

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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.”

“Force yourself,” she replied.

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Why do JAPs use gold diaphragms?

Their husbands like coming into money.

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What's the difference between karate and judo?

Karate is a method of self-defense, and judo is what bagels are made of.

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What's the difference between a JAP and poverty?

Poverty sucks.

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How did they know Jesus was Jewish?

Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God—and he thought his mother was a virgin.

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How do you tickle a JAP?

Gucci, Gucci, goo.

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How many JAPs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to call Daddy, and one to get out the Diet Pepsi.

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What do JAPs make for dinner?

Reservations.

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How does a JAP eat a banana? (This is a visual joke, so pay attention.)

Pretend you are holding a banana in your right hand. With left hand, peel off the three or four strips of peel about halfway down the banana. Continuing to hold peeled banana in right hand, place left hand behind head. Force head down over banana.

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Why do JAPs wear bikinis?

To separate the meat from the fish.

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What do you get when you cross a JAP and a hooker?

Someone who sucks credit cards.

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How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

“None, dahling, I’ll sit in the dark . . .”

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Did you hear that the limbo was invented by the Jews?

Yeah, from sneaking into pay toilets.

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A Palestinian gentleman was taking a walk on the West Bank when he was brutally beaten by a gang of young Israeli toughs. Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he bought a huge German Shepherd trained to kill on command and went out to seek revenge.

It didn't take him long to see the perfect victim: a little old Jewish man walking a little dog that somewhat resembled a dachshund. The Palestinian loosed his ferocious dog—but to his astonishment he saw the little dog pin his dog to the ground and swallow his dog whole, all within thirty seconds.

“What kind of dog is that?” he gasped, ashen-faced.

“Well, before we had his nose fixed he used to be an alligator,” explained the little Jewish man.