trulymale

 

Male Anatomy

 

The newlyweds had never slept together and were most eager to consummate their union. The bride in her eagerness insisted on undressing the groom, but stopped dead upon removing his shoes and socks, finding his toes grossly misshapen.

“Not to worry,” the groom explained. “A case of toelio when I was a child.”

The bride proceeded apace, only to stop again with an expression of shock on her face once she had taken off his pants.

“Nothing but a childhood case of kneesles,” he reassured her.

Down to the basics, she reached for his jockey shorts. “I know, I know,” she interrupted before her husband could say a word, “nothing but a case of smallcox.”

*

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“How d'you breathe through that thing?”

*

Why did God give black men such huge pricks?

Because he was so sorry about what He'd done to their hair.

*

What's long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

*

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

“How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!”

*

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

“Stand back! I don't know how big this thing's gonna get!”

*

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a peanut-butter sandwich?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

*

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night.

*

A man came into a bar, sat down at the bar for a drink, and noticed that there was a horse in the back of the room with a big pot of money in front of it. “What's that all about?” he asked the bartender.

“You gotta put a dollar in the pot,” explained the bartender, “and you collect the pot if you can make the horse laugh.”

The guy went over to the horse, whispered in its ear, and the horse cracked up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter. And the fellow picked up the pot and walked out.

Five years later the same guy walked into the same bar and saw the same horse at the back with another big pot of money in front of it. “It's not so easy,” said the bartender. “This time you gotta make the horse cry.”

The guy walked over to the horse, and in a matter of minutes the horse fell to its knees, sobbing as though its heart were breaking. The guy picked up the pot and was on his way out the door when the bartender stopped him.

“Hey,” he said, “at least tell us how you did it.”

“Easy,” said the guy. “The first time I told him my prick was bigger than his, and the second time I showed him.”

*

The routine practice of circumcision was part of a certain doctor's job, and he found himself reluctant to throw the foreskins away after the operation. So he saved them all up in a jar of formaldehyde. Many years went by, the time came for the doctor to retire from practice, and when cleaning out his office he came across the jar, which by this time contained hundreds of foreskins. It seemed a pity to throw them out after all this time, so, certain that they could be put to some use, he took them down to the tailor around the corner and asked that he make something with them.

“No problem,” said the tailor. “Come back in a week.”

A week later the tailor proudly presented the doctor with a wallet. “Now wait just a minute!” protested the doctor. “There were literally hundreds of foreskins in that jar, and all I've got to show for it is a measly wallet?”

“Relax,” said the tailor. “You rub it for a little bit, and it turns into a suitcase.”

*

A black couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father got up to buy some popcorn, the boy piped up, “Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?”

“That's the elephant's trunk, dear,” she replied.

“No, not that.”

“Oh, that's the elephant's tail.”

“No, Mom. Down underneath!”

His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that's nothing.” Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left, the boy repeated his question.

“That's the elephant's trunk, son.”

“Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end.”

“Oh, that's the elephant's tail.”

“No. Down there.”

The father took a good look and explained, “That's the elephant's penis.”

“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”

The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I've spoiled that woman.”

*

What's the new Webster's definition of “small?”

“Is it in yet?”

*

Why does a dog lick his balls?

Because he can.

*

What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand?

Kermit's undivided attention.

*

A Polish couple wants a black baby more than anything in the world, but all their efforts come to nothing. Finally, one day they're walking down the street when they spot a black couple with a beautiful black child in a stroller. So they walk over, explain their greatest desire, and ask the parents for their secret.

“For one thing,” says the black man, “you gotta be eight inches long.”

“No problem,” says the Pole.

“For another,” the black goes on, “you gotta be at least three and a half inches around.”

“So that's the problem!” exclaims the Pole, turning to his wife. “We've been letting too much light in!”

Did you hear about the masochist who said to her boyfriend, “Give me nine inches and make it hurt.”^

He fucked her twice and slapped her.

*

This young man decided that, physically, he simply wasn't adequately endowed. Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he went to a doctor and announced his desire to have his penis surgically enlarged.

The doctor checked things out and told the young man that the only real improvement that could be surgically worked was to implant a section of a baby elephant's trunk.

Rather a radical solution, agreed the patient, but he was adamant. The operation was performed without any complications, and after a few weeks of recuperation the young man decided it was time to try out his new accoutrement.

He asked a lovely young woman of his acquaintance out to dinner at an elegant restaurant. They were having a quiet conversation when his new organ, which had been comfortably resting in his left pants leg, whipped out over the table, grabbed a hard roll, and just as speedily disappeared from sight.

“Wow!” said the girl, truly impressed. “Can you do that again?”

“Sure,” said the fellow, “but I don't know if my asshole can stand another hard roll.”

*

Three guys were having an argument about who was more generously endowed. Finally, to settle the matter once and for all, they went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to unzip their flies.

“Pretty good, huh,” said Mort, whose cock was hanging all the way down to the fifty-seventh floor.

“I got you beat cold,” said Bill, whose cock was dangling just below a window on the forty-ninth.

They looked over at the third guy, who was dancing a curious sort of jig, jumping from one foot to the other and peering anxiously over the edge of the observation deck.

“What the hell are you doing, Harry?” they asked.

“Dodging traffic,” he replied.

*

It was time for sex-education class, and the teacher asked the class, “Children, who can tell me what breasts are?”

“My Mommy has breasts,” piped up Rhonda. “She has two of them.”

“Right you are, Rhonda,” praised the teacher. “Now who can tell me what a penis is?”

“I know,” said Eric. “My Daddy has two of them.”

“Are you sure?” asked the teacher, puzzled.

“Uh huh,” said Eric. “One's about this long,” holding his hands about four inches apart, “and looks like mine, and the other's about this long,” holding his hands about seven inches apart, “and he uses it to brush Mommy's teeth with.”

*

What's hard and straight going in, and soft and sticky coming out?

Chewing gum.

*

Two guys were sitting on a bridge passing the time of day and drinking beer, and pretty soon they both had to take a leak. Wanting to impress his companion, the first guy said, “Gee, this water’s cold.”

“And deep,” said his friend.

*

How is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

*

What's twelve inches long and white?

Nothing.