trulymisc

 

Miscellaneous

 

How do you fit five comedians in a Volkswagen

Two in the front seat, two in the back, and Richard Pryor in the ashtray.

*

What's white and flies across the ocean?

Lord Mountbatten's tennis shoes.

*

A doctor was walking down the hospital corridor and stopped to speak to the head nurse.

“Oh doctor,” she said, “you've got your thermometer stuck behind your ear.”

“Shit!” cried the doctor. “Some asshole has my pen!”

*

Have you ever smelled mothballs?

No! How do you get their legs apart?

*

Imagine the President's dismay when he woke up one winter morning in the White House to see outside his window, written in pee in the fresh snow, “The President sucks.” Furious, he summoned the Secret Service, the police, and the FBI, and told them they had better come up with the culprit—fast.

That afternoon a hapless officer arrived in the Oval Office to give the President the results of their investigation. “We have definitively established that it's the Vice-President's urine,” he said, “but I'm afraid it's the First Lady's handwriting.”

*

What's the difference between a rock-and-roller and a pig?

A pig won't stay up all night to fuck a rock-and-roller.

*

What are the five biggest lies?

“The check is in the mail.”

“I won't come in your mouth.”

“Some of my best friends are Jewish.”

“Black is beautiful.”

“I’m from your government, and I'm here to help you.”

*

How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the chair out from under him.

*

How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?

Three. One to eat the 'possum, and two to watch for cars.

*

What's wrinkled and smells like Ginger?

Fred Astaire's face.

*

Two cannibals are having dinner together. The guest says to his host, “Your wife sure makes good soup.”

“Yeah, but I'm going to miss her,” his friend replies.

*

Harry and Rachel are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary at the Fontainebleau and it's a hell of a party: champagne, caviar, toasts by all of their best friends who've assembled for the occasion. Fianally, tired and happy, the couple retires to their luxurious suite.

“Rachel,” says Harry, “you know, this would be the perfect evening if only . . .”

“Oh, Harry,” sighs Rachel, “I thought you got over that years ago. You know I don't like it.”

“But, Rachel, it's such a special night. Just this once . .

“Harry, you know how I feel about this sort of thing.”

“I know, I know,” pleads Harry, “but you know how muoh it'll mean to me.”

So Rachel finally goes down on him. Just as she's finishing up, the phone rings.

Harry gets up on one elbow and says, “Answer the phone, cocksucker.”

*

Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Because the Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

Why didn't the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Because she went out with Mr. Softee.

*

Why is the Urban Cowboy's mustache all brown and scuzzy?

He's lookin' for love in all the wrong places.

*

A guy was sitting having a few at the local pub when he observed a very lovely young woman sitting only a few chairs down. He moved over and proceeded to engage her in general conversation, finally screwing up his courage to ask her out to a movie.

She hauled off and slugged him so hard he landed on his ass on the floor. “Gee,” he said, picking himself up, “I guess a blow job is out of the question, huh?”

*

How can you tell the head nurse?

By the dirt on her knees.

*

What do you call nuts on a wall?

Walnuts.

What do you call nuts on a chest?

Chestnuts.

What do you call nuts on a chin?

A blow job.

*

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

*

What did Raggedy Anne say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?

“Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!”

*

A man was having a few in the local bar when he noticed a sailor sitting at the other end of the bar. The sailor had a completely normal physique except for one anomaly: his head was tiny, about the size of an orange.

The man stared at the sailor in puzzlement, and after a few more drinks screwed up his courage to go over and ask the sailor how his condition had come about.

The sailor took the question in good humor, and explained that some time ago he had been shipwrecked. “I came to,” he explained, “on this beautiful little beach, and heard this sad little whimpering sound behind some rocks on the shore. Investigating, I saw that it was this gorgeous mermaid who had been stranded on the rocks, so I carried her back to the water's edge. And she was so grateful that she promised to grant me any three wishes. Well, as you can imagine, my first wish was that I get off that god-forsaken island in one piece.

“ 'I’ll grant you that one after you've had the first two,' she said.

“So next I told her I'd like to be rich beyond dreams. And—whammo—there on the beach appeared a chest full of gold and jewels. And then, being a normal sort of guy—and she was cute, believe me—I asked if we could make love.

“ 'Look at me,' said the mermaid. 'It's easy to see I'm not built for that sort of thing.'

“So I says to her, 'Okay, how about a little head!'”

*

What's the ultimate in courage?

Two cannibals having oral sex.

*

For decades two heroic bronze statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. “You've been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to.” And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit on its head.”

*

What's the black stuff between an elephant's toes?

Slow natives.

*

The boss came in and asked the new secretary, “Ellen, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?”

“No,” she replied.

“Great! Let's have lunch.”

*

A woman came to the supermarket, went over to the butcher counter, and announced her desire to buy a Long Island duck. The butcher, a recent employee, obligingly went into the back room and came out with a fine-looking duck.

The woman stuck her finger up the duck's ass and announced, Tm sorry, this won't do. This is a Maine duck.”

The butcher raised his eyebrows, but soon returned with another duck.

“No,” pronounced the woman, her finger up the second duck's ass, “this duck is from Minnesota.”

Barely restraining himself, the butcher fetched a third duck.

“Now this,” said the woman, smiling after performing the same inspection, “this is a Long Island duck. Thank you so much.” She was about to leave when she turned back to the counter and asked, “Say, you're new here, aren't you? Where are you from?”

The butcher pulled down his pants, turned around, and said, “You tell me, lady.”

*

An aged couple showed up in their lawyer's office bright and early one morning and announced that they wanted a divorce.

“Gee,” said the lawyer, “and at your age and after fifty years of married life. What brought about this decision now?”

“Well you see,” explained the couple, “we wanted to wait until the children were dead.”

*

A young guy had gone to his doctor for a routine checkup, and when he came in for the results, the doctor said gravely, “Jerry, I think you'd better sit down. I've got some good news and some bad news.”

“Okay, Doc,” said Jerry. “Give me the bad news first.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “you've got cancer. It's spreading at an unbelievably rapid rate, it's totally inoperable, and you've got about three weeks to live.”

“Jesus,” said Jerry, wiping a bead of sweat off his brow. “What's the good news?”

“You know that really cute receptionist out in the front office?”

“You bet!” said Jerry.

“The one with the big tits and the cute little ass?”

“Right!”

“And the long blond hair?”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Jerry impatiently.

“Well,” said the doctor, leaning forward with a smile,”I’m fucking her!”