Did you hear that the Polish government bought a thousand septic tanks?
As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade Russia.
*
Did you hear about the new Polish drink?
Perrier and club soda.
*
Why does the Pole always take a dime along on his dates?
So that if he can't come, he can call.
*
Why were the Poles pushing their house down the road in the middle of the winter?
They were trying to jump-start the furnace.
*
A Pole suspected his wife of infidelity and began to follow her movements. Sure enough, his suspicions were justified. Coming home from work early, he burst into the bedroom, catching his wife and lover in the act, and, crazed with grief, he put the pistol to his own head.
“Don't laugh!” he shouted when his wife burst out in giggles. “You're next!”
*
“Knock, knock.”
“Who's there?”
“Polish burglar.”
*
A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the wilds which they were certain was the Missing Link. The proof of their theory, though, required that a human mate with the ape in order to see what characteristics the progeny would take on. So they put an ad in the paper: “$5000 to Mate with Ape.”
The next morning a Pole called up in response to the ad and said he'd be willing to be part of the experiment. “But,” he said, “I have three conditions.”
The scientists agreed to hear him out.
“First: My wife must never know.
“Second: The children must be raised as Catholics.
“Third: If I can pay in installments, I'm definitely interested.
*
Ever seen the Polish sex manual?
*
Why did the Pole spend all night outside the whorehouse?
He was waiting for the red light to turn green.
*
Lick cover of a book of matches, then bend it back so matches are exposed. Stick to forehead. Ask, “What am I?”
A Polish miner.
*
Did you hear about the Polish starlet?
She went to Hollywood and fucked the writer.
*
The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Warsaw one night found, to his dismay, that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment. Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several inflatable fuck dolls, figuring that, given his clientele, no one would know the difference. Soon he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the new lovelies, assuring him he was in for an especially good time.
When the customer came out of the room a little while later, the manager was waiting eagerly in the hallway. He winked at the fellow and asked, “Well? How'd you like her?”
“I don't know what happened,” said the customer, shaking his head. “I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window.”
*
A stranger walks into a bar and announces to the barman, “Hey, fella! Have I got some terrific Polish jokes for you guys.”
The bartender leans over to him and says, “Listen, if I were you I’d watch your tongue. The two 250-pound bouncers are Polish, I'm Polish and I ain't no midget, and every man in here is Polish.”
“Oh, that's okay,” said the stranger cheerfully, “I’ll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y”
*
Do you know why the suicide rate in Poland is so low?
Because you can't jump out of a basement window.
*
How can you tell a Polish Peeping Tom?
(Pull out front of own pants and look down.)
*
Why do Polish people have such beautiful noses?
They're handpicked.
*
Did you hear about the two Polish hunters?
They were driving along when they came up to a sign that said “Bear Left,” so they went home.
*
Or the Polish hunters who got themselves all set up for a weekend of hunting? They gathered their guns and the dogs and the ammunition and the orange hats and tromped about for hours, but with no luck whatsoever. And when they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters, who were carrying braces of pheasant and quail, ducks and geese, even a deer or two.
“Gee,” said one Pole to his companion, “everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong?”
“I dunno,” said the other. “Maybe we're not throwing the dogs high enough.”
*
What do you call a pretty girl in Poland?
A tourist.
*
Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.
“Well, Doc,” he inquired anxiously, “is he going to make it?”
“It's tough,” said the doctor. “He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first.”
*
A realtor is showing a new property to an affluent young couple, who are somewhat bewildered by his behavior. On every landing, the realtor stops to open the window and shout, “Green side up!” Finally, they ask why.
“I’ve got a Pole laying the sod,” he explains, “and I’ve got to make sure he does it right.”
*
Did you hear about the guy who made a million dollars in Poland with Cheerios?
He sold them as doughnut seeds.
*
Did you hear about the Polish car pool?
They all meet at work.
*
How come Poles don't go elephant hunting?
They get too tired carrying the decoys.
*
How come Poles don't become pharmacists?
They can't fit the little bottles in the typewriter.
*
How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Pole?
The garbage's been eaten and the dog is pregnant.
*
Did you hear about the Polish bank?
You bring in a toaster and they give you ten thousand dollars.
*
A young Polish girl was hitchhiking along the Interstate, and a big semi pulled over to pick her up. The driver was a serious CB addict, and the dashboard boasted an enormous CB radio.
That's the best radio ever made,” he explained to the bug-eyed girl. “You can talk to people anywhere in the world with it.”
“No kidding,” she gasped. “Boy, I would really love to talk to my mother in Poland.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“I would give anything to talk to my mother in Poland.”
“Anything?” he asked.
“Anything,'' she assured him.
“Well, maybe we can work something out,” he leered, pulling his cock, by this time erect, out of his pants.
So the girl leaned over, bent down, and said loudly, “HELLO, MOM?”
*
What are the three most difficult years for a Pole?
Second grade.
*
Did you hear about the Pole who had a penis transplant?
His hand rejected it.
*
Two Poles are out fishing for the day, and they have a hell of a time: fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat as full of fish as possible, they decide it's time to head for shore.
“But listen,'' says Stan, “why don't we mark the spot?”
“No problem,” says Jerzy, who dives in and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat.
Stan beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. “Oh, no!” he cries to Jerzy, “what if we don't get the same boat?”
*
What's this?
*
What does a Polish girl do after she sucks cock?
Spits out the feathers.
*
What do Poles wear to weddings?
Formal bowling shirts.
*
Did you hear about the Pole who locked his family in the car?
He had to get a coathanger to get them out.
*
A Pole walks into his local bar and goes straight up to the bartender, who turns away in disgust at the handful of horseshit the Pole is holding.
“Hey, Harry,” says the Pole, “look what I almost stepped in.”
*
A young Polish guy wanted more than anything to become a cop, and went through the rigorous entrance exam, the last question of which was “Who killed Christ?” The would-be rookie went home excitedly and said to his wife, “Honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case!”
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