trulyreligion

 

Religion

 

What was the Pope's first miracle?

He made a lame man blind.

*

What was the Pope's second miracle?

He walked under water.

*

What was the Pope's third miracle?

He cured a ham.

*

Did you hear about the Pope's plan to redecorate the Sistine Chapel?

. . . . in knotty pine?

*

You know why the Pope didn't want to accept the position?

It meant moving into an Italian neighborhood.

*

What kind of meat does the Pope eat?

Nun.

*

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up the collection plate. The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for God and all that landed outside was for himself and the parish. The priest said that his system was similar: he just drew a straight line, tossed the money up, and that what landed on one side was for God and on the other for himself and the church. The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same lines. “I just toss the plate up in the air,” he explained, “and anything God can catch he can keep.”

*

Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears in a faint voice, “Peter . . . Peter . . . ”

“I must go and help my Savior,” he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, “Peter . . . Peter” in even fainter tones, and he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and is halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally, and toss him back down the hill.

Again he hears, “Peter . . . Peter . . . ” ever fainter, and he cannot sit idle. He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Christ says, “Peter . . . Peter . . . I can see your house from here.”

*

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. “God,” he prayed, “I really want a car.” Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.

“God,” he prayed again, “I really need a car.” Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.

“Okay, God,” he said, getting down onto his knees again, “if you ever want to see your mother again . . .”

*

Why does the Pope wear gym shorts?

He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.

*

Two nuns were taking a stroll through the park at dusk when two men jumped them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them.

Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky and said softly, “Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does.”

Sister Theresa looked over at her and said, “Mine does.”

*

What's black and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

*

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. “I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one clergyman self-righteously. “Did you?”

“I don't know, said the other. “What was her maiden name?”

*

Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they are warmly welcomed at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter. “Sisters,” he says, “I want to thank you for all your good work on earth. Now there's just a brief formality before I can admit you to heaven: each of you will have to answer one question.” And, turning to the first nun, he asks, “Sister Catherine, what is the Mystery of the Trinity?”

“That's the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,” she replies. And the lights flash, the bells go off, and Sister Michael is swept into the Pearly Gates.

“Sister Benedicta,” asks Saint Peter gently, “what is the Mystery of the Virgin Birth?”

That's the Immaculate Conception,” she replies, and she too is swept inside the gates with much flashing of lights and sounding of bells.

Sister Angelica is left alone, shaking a bit with nervousness. St. Peter turns to her and asks, “What, Sister Angelica, were the first words Eve said to Adam?”

Sister Angelica thinks it over, beads of sweat starting to appear on her brow, and finally blurts, “Gee, Saint Peter, that's a hard one.”

And the bells went off, the gates opened . . .

*

Jesus was making his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?”

“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him.”

Tears sprang to Jesus' eyes. “Father!” he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “Pinocchio!”

*

Three Irish women were passing the time of day on the street corner, the street corner that just happened to be opposite the local whorehouse. And when the rabbi went in the door, there was a great clucking of tongues. Next to enter was the Episcopal minister. “Can you believe it?” said one woman to the rest. “The state of the clergy today is positively disgraceful.”

Last to enter was Father Flanigan.

“Ah,” said the women. “She must be very sick.”

*

A drunk was staggering down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and, figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno,” came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. “You got any paper on your side?”

*

Three young men presented themselves at the monastery as candidates for entering the monastic order. A stern-looking monk gave them a lecture about the privations of the monastic life, then showed them all into a small room, explaining that there was one preliminary test before they could be accepted as candidates. Ordering them to strip naked, he tied a little bell to each of their penises, then left the room. The next time the door opened, it was to admit a lovely young woman in a bikini, who exited to the tinkling of one of the bells.

“Oh, please, please, give me another trial run,” pleaded the guilty party. But the next time the door opened, the lovely young woman was completely naked, and the bell rang even more energetically.

I’m sorry,” explained the monk, “but you are clearly not suited for this life. I must ask you to leave.”

Crushed, the young man bent over to pick up his clothes. And the other two bells went off.

*

Three guys die and are transported to the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter greets them warmly, explaining that there's just one brief formality before they can be admitted to heaven. Each will have to answer one quick question. Turning to the first fellow, he asks, “What, please, is Easter?”

“That's an easy one. That's to celebrate when the Pilgrims landed. You buy a turkey and really stuff yourselves—”

“I’m sorry,” interrupts St. Peter. “You're out.” Turning to the second man, he asks, “What can you tell me about Easter?”

“No problem,” he replies. “To commemorate the birth of Jesus, you go out shopping and get this tree and all these presents—”

“Forget it,” says St. Peter, turning in disgust to the third man. “I don’t suppose you'd know anything about Easter?”

“Certainly,” he replies. “You see, Christ was crucified and he died, and they took the body down from the cross and wrapped it in a shroud and put it in a cave and rolled this big stone across the entrance—”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” interrupts St. Peter excitedly, waving for the first two guys to come over. “We got someone here who knows his stuff.”

“And after three days they roll the stone away,” continues the third guy, “and if he sees his shadow there's going to be six more weeks of winter.”