020504

 

San Antonio, TX

Thursday February 5, 2004

                   Holy shit, I woke up at five this morning. I don't know what woke me up. I went to bed kind of early. I just crashed out. I woke up and took a shit. I went to the kitchen and ate some pecan cobbler. I'm going to get my weed ready and have a smoking session.

     7:00am  My mom just gave me a dollar for bus fare this morning. I appreciate it, mom.

     7:09am  My mom is such a hypocrite, man. She gave me her word that she was going to give me something for my birthday. If she hadn't promised me herself that she was going to get me something, I wouldn't be expecting her to. But she promised me. I was like, "Hey, she's my mom. It's my birthday. That sounds right." She never gave me shit. She hates me, man. She really hates me. Like today she was all reminding me, "Oh, you're 26 and you're still living here." I reminded her, "Mom, I don't live here. I rest my feet here. You give me a place to rest my feet like a mother should. You are doing your job. Why do you keep doing it if you don't want to? Stop doing it, then. I dare you." I told her, "You have to take responsibility for your own generosity. You're a mother. I'm your son. Why do you do these things? Because you like doing it! Because you are playing your role, like you have been all your life. Then you think you have the right to bitch about it? Then don't do it! It's not rocket-science, mom. It's really simple shit."

                   Then she tells me, "You know you could be getting like five hundred dollars a month from social security. You've had two head injuries." I told her, "Really? How?" Then I remembered. I told her, "Didn't I try that before when I was with Chasity and they kept denying me?" She told me, "That's what they do. They deny you a couple times and then they finally give it to you." I told her, "And they're going to keep denying me because I don't have a stable address. I don't need their "help" anyway." She asked me, "Oh, well what about when you get old?" I told her, "Humans will be generous when I'm old too. I can count on that." I swear she hates me, man. Like she detests me for being happier than her. She just hates the fact that I'm right because she continues to let me stay there!"

                   I am working. I'm working for everybody. She doesn't see that. She bitches about it because I am not making money. I don't need money. I make peace, not money. God-damn, my mother frustrates me so much.

                   She did give me a dollar for busfare though, hehe.

                   Oh, and when I was leaving I told her, "Okay, mom. Have a good day." I just left.

                   She went, "Oh, I was going to take you to the bus stop, but since Laura is not coming I guess I don't have to." I told her, "That's right, mom. I can walk." She went, "Yeah, you go walk and ask for food." I told her, "Okay, I will." She thinks I'm trash because I ask for food. I am giving people credit, man. I'm giving something back.

     7:20am  I walked almost up to Guilbeau and I see the bus coming. Oh shit. I ran for it. I get to where I have to cross the street to the stop, but then I stopped myself. I realized I had dropped my wallet. It fell out when I took off running.

                  That's alright. I can walk. Hehe, I was waving the peace sign to the kids in a school bus that just passed.

     7:22am  Maybe I'll catch the bus going towards Ingram. I'll see who I can talk to on the bus.

                   Oh yeah, I'm just going to walk down Guilbeau. Maybe I'll go to the park.

                    I was all telling my mom, "You like doing it." She was all, "No, I don't."

     8:00am  Man, I can feel with every cigarette I've smoked my mouth getting sorer and sorer. I'm going to get cancer or something. I really need to do something. I'm going to see how far I can go without smoking again. I walked all the way down Guilbeau. I'm going to go to the Taco Cabana and see if I can get breakfast.

     8:05am  Christina hooked me up with some food. I appreciate it.

     8:15am  I'm at the 609 bus stop in front of the Taco Cabana. I'm just going to wait. Maybe I'll walk down to the Walmart just too see what there is to do there. My mom was all loading up the computer into her car again. She's all getting pissed off. Screw my mom's computer. It gets all these errors and I couldn't install the software for the scanner. It gave me an error for the software for my digital camera too. That Windows ME bullshit. She had to pay fifty bucks to get her computer not working like it is now. I told her, "I think you got ripped off with the fifty dollars you gave to your school to "fix" your computer. It's worse than it was before." I told her, "Windows ME is the crappiest operating system out there. And you paid fifty dollars for it. Sucker."

     8:30am  I got to the bus stop over by the Walmart. I've got a dollar.

     8:34am  First one that pulled up was the 609 going to UTSA.

     9:18am  I'm over at UTSA already. I told this girl on the bus Sasha my story. She listened to everything. Awesome.

     12:13pm  Raven hooked me up with a cigarette. I appreciate it, Raven.

                      I got a cigarette from Raven and she listened to me. What was your email again? RAVEN6972@msn.com

     12:30pm  I came out for a smokebreak. Everybody is all looking at me weird. Just like I want them to, hehe. All these college kids. I'm going to go back inside and type up another three days. I took a hit of weed too.

                     I'm just looking around and this place is just a beautiful cloning factory.

     2:27pm  I lost a whole day that I had typed up. Another glitch in the browser. It just disappeared. It's happened before in Arcata. I get all paranoid when that happens. I'm going to go catch the bus and go home.

     2:34pm  Mr. Santos didn't give me a ride. I told him, "I was just testing you. You failed."

                   I'm glad I asked him when that VIA supervisor wasn't around.

     2:39pm  Maryanne hooked me up with a cigarette. I appreciate it, Maryanne.

     2:35pm  I had a great presentation with the girl I got the cigarette from. Her email is mari9@hotmail.com. All three of these girls listened to me.

                   Man, I've been here all day. I've been here since nine in the morning. It's like real school.

     2:52pm  Mr. Ariaga hooked me up with a courtesy ride. Awesome. Right in front of the supervisor. Sweet.

     3:25pm  I had a great presentation on the bus. 

     4:02pm  Heather gave me a dollar for bus fare. Thank you, Heather. The bus pulled up and I knew the lady on there wouldn't give me a ride. She never does.

     4:04pm  Oh my god, do you know what just happened? At the transfer center at Crossroads Mall, I was going to go ask the 550 if he could give me a courtesy ride. He said no. Then right there this girl spotted me out of the crowd and called me over. Her name was Heather. She was all, "Hey! Come talk to me." I asked her, "Have you ever seen me before?" She said, "No, no, you just look interesting." Dude, this girl is all hot. Ha, those cops are looking at me talking into my tape recorder. Anyway, I told this girl my story and she was really cool. I wish I would've had a camera so I can take a picture of her. She ended up knowing OP Schnabel already. She lives right behind it! In the Wildwood neighborhood. I told her my whole story about how I went to jail the first time. When she had to leave I gave her a hug and she gave me a kiss on the cheek! Wow. She goes to school at Career Point.

                   Ha, those cops just saw me talking into my recorder. I wonder what they're thinking.

                   Oh yeah, Heather's got some big 'ol boobies.

     4:49pm  Jennifer is hooking me up with a cigarette. I appreciate it, Jennifer.

                   I was just sitting there wishing I had a lighter to light my cigarette. All of a sudden, these kids pulled up in a Camaro and I gave them a peace sign. I asked them for a lighter and they had one! Badass.

     5:09pm  I'm just standing here at the bus stop waving the peace sign to all the drivers as they're driving by. Just getting myself well-recognized here in San Antonio. This cop just drove by and I gave him a peace sign. That's right everybody, just look at me and stare.

     5:53pm  I just had a great presentation inside the bus station. I'm going to get me a cigarette.

     5:55pm  Evie just gave me a cigarette at the hospital. I appreciate it, Evie.

     6:15pm  I'm on the 610 going to my mom's house. I got on the bus and I saw these two guys. This black dude listened to my whole thing. He told me, "Man, I see you around all the time. Now I know what you're about." I told him, "Tell your friends," and he said, "I will."

                   Everybody is agreeing with me.

     8:20pm  I'm sitting here in my mom's room. I'm just sitting here thinking and looking in the mirror. She's got a little book here called, "The Secrets of Serenity - A Treasury of Inspiration." It has all these quotes in here. Here's on that says, "To be content with what we possess is the greatest and most secure of riches." That was by Marcus Tullieus Cicero. 6-43 B.C. Roman Orator, Statesmen and philosopher.

                   He's still right. It's still true, Marcus.

                   The next one says, "We know the truth, not only by the reason, but by the heart." By Blaise Pascal(1623-1662) French mathematician and philosopher

                   "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." By Antoine de Saint-Exupery(1900-1944) French aviator and writer

                   "Don't hurry, don't worry. You're only here for a short visit. So be sure to stop and smell the flowers." By Walter C. Hagen 1892-1969 American golfer

                   "Life is not always what one wants it to be, but to make the best of it as it is, is the only way of being happy." By Jennie Churchill 1854-1921 English editor and playwright

                   That's bullshit. That's an ignorant quote. It's saying that it's ok to be content. It says, "To make the best of what it is." Why don't you try and change it? Don't just make the best of what it already is. Make it better, damnit.

                   Ha, I like this next one. "Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling." By Margaret Lee Runbeck 20th-century American writer

                   I like this one too. "To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness." By Bertand Russell 1872-1970 English mathematician and philosopher.

                   Wow, check this one out by Socrates himself. "He is richest who is content with the least; for content is the wealth of nature." That's just great.

                   There's tons more. I'll be sure to put the good ones in my Universal Truths. By the way, I am typing this up finally on December 6, 2004.

                   Whoa, I got like thirty one good quotes from that little book. Goldmine.

     9:44pm  I just took a shower at my mom's. I'm going to crash out, man. I can't wait to call Heather tomorrow morning. I'm kind of excited about that. She's hot.

Next day..