020624

2-6-24

10:15am  Please, Tita, rewind.

Tita:  I was thinking, I was reflecting what you said about both of your parents.  That they are all talk.  They had a lot of promise, at first.  They started out with good intentions and your dad, with so much intelligence, where, how is he in life right now?  Is he happy?  Is he satisfied?  

        I don't think your dad has lived up to his amazing potential with his intelligence, and definitely not your mom either.  That's kind of sad.  I think the more I see, the more time goes on, I think you are right.  I think your inner-knowing about your parents is right.  

Victor: A lot of parents, not just mine.  

Tita:  Again, that's why I have an easy time understanding why people mess up on their life.  It is because they didn't have good parents to begin with!  The way I had good parents who were always supporting us...

Victor:  By design!

Tita:  Well, I think my mom and dad were rare, honestly, compared to even Mexican parents.  They did get their act together.  They did learn from their mistakes.  They were a united front on behalf of their offspring.  

        And my mom separated my dad from his toxic family.  That's why together they were able to forge ahead.

Victor:  Just how you have helped me tremendously separate from my toxic family. 

Tita:  Yes, but you saw the same problems with me.  You told me when I met you that maybe there might be a chance for reconciliation with my family, to not give up on them.  What did I tell you?  If there hasn't been a chance all of these years, and I have tried...what your dad said, no matter what I do it won't matter to them.

Maybe if I got more overweight and unhappy, maybe that will please them.  When I was happy and thriving and positive, sometimes they were enthusiastic too, but then they got jealous.  

Victor:  Who?

Tita:  My sisters in law.  Most of the issues have been with them, but the big jealousy, the sibling rivalry is with Hugo.  Hugo, in his late age has managed to influence Caito and Moi, which he hadn't before, because Huicho was on my side.  Huicho would talk shit about them to me. My nephew told me, "Do you know who's talking shit about you?  It's not Julia, his wife.  It's Hugo himself.  Hugo says all kinds of horrible shit about you, Tita."

Why did Hugo get jealous?  See, back then I had a lot of money saved up, I got a severance package after Schlage lock downsized.  I didn't do vocational rehab, I came home to Modesto and decided I wanted to go on my retreats and do some things I wanted to do.  

        Around then is when I had my epiphany.  "If I haven't had a kid yet, it's because I haven't wanted to.  I didn't with Francis, why did I waste so many years of my life with him?  We weren't happy after three or four years into the relationship.  Why did I stay with him so long?"  I had a whole life-review.   

What happened is months later is when I did what I wanted to do.  I had asked Hugo, way in advance, if he could please drive me to the airport, that I was going to Alaska for a three-week retreat with a shaman(Brant Secunda).  

        Hugo knew I was going and promised to drive me to the airport in SF.  They had made arrangements, people would be shuttled.  They day of Hugo said, "I am not taking you," and gave me a dirty sneer.  Shocked, I asked, "Are you serious?"  

I told my other brother Juan, the boss of the lawyers about my predicament and he ended up driving me.  I found out later that Hugo was jealous that I traveled.  Even one-on-one he's told me that, "Oh, I wish I could travel."  I sternly told him, "You wanted me to go to law-school like you and I told you I didn't want to.  I don't want to manage any conflict.  I am more of a peacemaker.  I don't want to be in the middle of litigation, he said, she said."  

        No way, I was stressed enough as a paralegal, even hearing people's stories.  I would almost want to cry.  

Victor:  Now you know how I feel with all your talking.  

Victor:  Plus, their profession is evil and ensures inequality.  

        HUMANS HAVE NO BUSINESS JUDGING OTHER HUMANS.  

        Justice will be done regardless.  

        RELEASE EVERYONE FROM JAILS AND PRISONS and let Karma(and my deadbeat gallery) take care of injustice.

Tita:  Juan was more balanced.  He was a good counselor, people would listen to him.  He was a good listener too.  He is heart-centered.  Juan actually has a lot of good qualities.  There are a lot of reasons why he's successful in his field, but as a human he had obvious mommy issues, he couldn't detatch from mom.  

        He was still taking her to the casinos when she was 74 year old, and spending all of her money, because of his vice.  Rather than do things that she liked, or garden or take her to new places, what did he do?  "Join me so I feel less lonely as I gamble and drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes, all of these dopamine hits.  Poor Juan, he is the middle child.  He's like you, he got neglected.  

        Diana is the star of your family and then Luisito eventually took the stage and who got ignored?  The twins.  And you, Victor took after your dad.  You didn't like to be touched.  You weren't affectionate.  Maybe you werent affectionate, because now we know that your mother wasn't affectionate enough to you!  

        You were a boy and you were probably rambunctious, a Denace the Menace like your half-brothers.  Ada didn't know how or want to direct you to properly channel your energy, to play with you and challenge you.  You got the short end of the stick, Victor.  Because you only had a mother.  

        Most kids learn more from their same sex parent, but all you had was your mom to learn from.  Who could you relate to?  

When I asked Ada, "How did you play with Victor?  Was all of the attention on the girls?"  She kind of admitted it.  

When I first met Victor I told him he was so smart.  I asked him how did his mom encourage his genius.  Victor said, "She didn't at all.  I quickly learned that by doing chores I could buy her happiness, because she is so lazy.  You were at a big disadvantage by not having a dad, compared to your sisters.  Then again, maybe your dad was/is a "machista," chauvinistic.  Laura said that.  

Victor:  Yes, just like him thinking he can find an island to live on to escape the evils of the world, and run like a pussy, like he would.  Remember, he told me how it would be so much better, as long as I had some servant females to do the normal chores!  

Tita:  That's because in his deluded mind, as well as many people his age, well, I can't really generalize, but in his particular case he had good parents.  That is the sad difference, that he had good parents and yet he could not be a good parent to you guys.  It's tragic.  

What happened to you is tragic because, then again, why didn't your mom encourage you guys?  Why didn't you guys go to visit your dad?  Even if it was only for two days or so, every child wants to know who their dad is.  

        It just seems like you guys were short-changed, all of you, by both of your parents, combined, by her resistance to accept him somehow, and even try to keep communication going.  

Victor:  That is such bullshit.  

Tita:  Okay, I am going to go make breakfast.

Victor:  Thank you for feeding the peace machine, baby.  :)

Cool, my stats show a visit from Leander, Texas.  Ohhh, I got some more visit from the Google Corporate Offices in India.  3 visits from there.  

Tita:  Those are probably the bot-supervisors.  They might be looking to see you are not doing any bad stuff, or something, ya know?

Victor:  Whoa, I got some visits from Salida. 

Tita:  That's really close!  That's probably from flying your sign recently, on your birthday.  

Victor:  My friend Armorall, I got visits from him too.  

Tita:  It might also be when you littered your blog all over Trader Joes.  There's no Trader Joes for like sixty miles.  

Victor:  Ashburn,VA is still the city with the most views.

Tita:  You might be right, it might be the CIA reading your stuff.  Maybe bots.  

Victor:  But, why is my blog still up and I am being "allowed" to evolve?  I think it's because I have stumbled onto the missing piece and I AM SUPPOSED TO TAKING THESE ACTIONS.  That is why I want to go full steam ahead!  

Like I say, I have been blessed with THE MASTER HALL PASS!

Tita:  We can't know for sure.  Maybe they have some AI monitoring stuff to make sure you are not including anything too whisteleblowerish.

Victor:  Right, all the stuff that I am adding to my blog I am GETTING FROM ONLINE.

Tita:  No, but if they see you trying to awaken people, that they don't want woken(like Frank), maybe they are keeping tabs on you, maybe that's paranoia.

Victor:  And we also cannot forget that the stats might all be wrong.  Maybe they have got this HUGE ALL-PERVASIVE shadow banning going on me.  Just because of that strong possibility, is why I regularly download my blog and have it available for offline-viewing.  I never know.

Tita:  It might also be a friend of Raquel's that still wants to read how stupid she is, and how easily...

Victor:  They were months ago, but the visits from Virginia weren't looking at Raquel's page like they had before.

Tita:  What page were they looking at?

Victor:  My Guestbook in Order and world peace through laughter.  

Tita:  It's been raining lately so we haven't been out pounding the pavement, but I usually like to tell people, "Leave a comment, please."  That is what gets people to return to your blog a lot, they want to see what other people are saying.  

11:06am  What's up?

Tita:  Just some thoughts.  Victor has had women..

Victor:  Yeah, she can't get off of this topic.

Tita:  Well, it's kind of a fun topic, for me, looking at Victor's patterns.  A big commonality in a lot of them of these women have been very unattractive..

Victor:  That's your opinion only because you are insecure.

Tita:  They used their sexuality to keep Victor going.  

Victor:  I don't agree with that one fucking bit.  

Tita:  He wasn't celibate with them and stayed living with them, working and doing things for them.  He could've been a celibate, beautiful, I love your spirit...

Victor:  So we had an interchange of good feelings.  What's wrong with that?

Tita:  I am not saying there was anything wrong with it, but the women like Chasity was a cutter, she had psyche problems too.  She cut herself.

Victor:  I never said she cut herself!  That's a total fabrication of your mind!  She took pills as her "attempt." 

Tita:  That's an instance where it would've been nice to guide her along in getting therapy, to get better.  

Victor:  I don't believe in "therapy" or much anything else in textbook society.  

Tita:  Or, to end her life.  It would've been of service to her to help end her miserable life, right?  Or, it could've also been a way to keep you with her, right?  It's a classic manpulative thing, right?  "Oh, I love you so much I am going to kill myself if I can't have you anymore."  Or no?  What was the scenario there?  Why was she so down and out?

Victor:  Because she saw I was having serious doubts about us.  I was getting tired of her complaining.  I started avoiding her, coming home late, not putting as much effort into her as I was before.  I am sure you can relate.  I was getting tired of her annoying the fuck out of me, a lot like you do.  I still cared about her, though.  I didn't want to tear her apart. 

Tita:  Did it make you feel guilty that she tried to take pills?  

Victor:  Just the opposite, it made up my mind that I didn't want to be with her.  She didn't have the balls to follow through.  It only made her problems worse.

Tita:  Because she was a criminal.  Your first girlfriend was a criminal and chubby, was insecure.

Victor:  Yes, she had a low self-esteem at the time.  

Tita:  I guess that's how you can sum her up.  And, she liked you, because you did illegal things on the internet, you were a legend in the San Antonio chatroom.  She was like, "Oooh, this guy is like me.  He cheats the system too and I am attracted to that.  

        After you broke up she continued to shoplift.  She continued her vices and we saw that even after you split up, not only did she enjoy your $9k and then got pissed when you over-drafted your joint account...

Victor:  Hehe, you said joint.

Tita: ...not seeing the big picture that she enjoyed your money, that she was stupid enough to get a joint account.  What was her motivation for doing that?  Were you guys going to live together forever?  No.  From the very beginning you guys agreed that whenever you split up who is going to keep what.  You both knew you weren't suited for each other.  She was desperate and you were bored or whatever, you liked her enough, she was your first girlfriend.  After you guys broke up she was arrested for shoplifting!  

Exhibit A is girlfriend number one.  You wanted to think of it as a marriage because you live together.  It really wasn't, it was just two people with nothing else to do wanting to feel like they are adults, enjoying not living with mom and dad and wanting to have nice things without working for them.  

        That's what you two had in common.  That's a common mistake.  People feel that their first LOVE is true love and it isn't.  It's usually just a way to satisfy their animal urges with someone very equal to them, who also doesn't want to live at home.  

That's girlfriend number one.  I am not going to go into the rest, but the point I am trying to make is that...wait a minute, where did I start?  What was I talking about?  Oh, Tracee.

What would be wrong with helping someone to exit?  In the book I was reading yesterday on Telos it talks about that, how people want to check out of life.  They are having a hard time.  It's okay if they check out, because their soul is eternal, they will be alive elsewhere.  

        People who are psychic and can channel can actually speak to them after they die.  In my head I can feel the spirit of people who have died.  I know the spirit is immortal.  What would be wrong with ending your physical life?  

If you would've kicked Chasity to the curb you would have probably avoided your second head injury.  

Victor:  I am grateful to Chasity that she contributed to me having my second head injury! 

Tita:  I get all that, but do you see how me, as an external person can see where you went wrong?  It was wrong to stay with somebody that wasn't right for you, and mistaking infatuation with LOVE.  It wasn't real LOVE.  It was precarious love because it had no foundation.  You said that she's the one who first initiated sex in like two days.

Victor:  The first time that she came over to my mom's house we had sex.  

Tita:  Ves. and the same thing with Tracee.  You both had sex shortly after meeting.

Victor:  Yeah, in her car.  

Tita:  So, what does that tell you?  That's infatuation.  In her case vampirism.  She was paying the toll to cross over and mooch off of you.

Victor:  Even though it was a longer time than when I first had sex with you.

Tita:  Do you remember?

Victor:  I will never forget how you spread 'em for me on the very first night!

Tita:  And who initiated that?

Victor:  It was a mutual thing, don't be pointing fingers. I never raped you.  How was it not consensual?

Tita:  I am not saying I was forced.  I went in for the kiss, but I didn't expect you to sweep my off of my feet and have sex with me.  I didn't stop you, but that wasn't my plan.  I just wanted to give you a kiss, lol.

Victor:  I was like, "Cool!  What a great blessing!  This beautiful girl is letting my have her vagina on the first night?!  Hell yeah!  This girl's totally marriage material!  I hope she asks me to marry her!

Tita:  Haha!  I thought I was going to leave the next day.   I was expecting fully to leave.  I didn't know I would stay longer.  I wanted to keep listening to you, I liked you.  

        You fed me!  You were sweet!  I saw your personality from Day 1, that you were a sweetheart, loving an kind, that you were humble, that you were nice to your friends and your "friends" fuckin' took advantage of you.  I am a good reader of people.  Had I not trusted you I wouldn't have even let you in my car.  

The point is if you analyze this stuff with cold detachment and without romanticism, not because "They were so beautiful and I really loved their spirit."  If you take away all of the reasons and just look at the facts, it was based on mutual attraction to criminal behavior, you and Chasity, girlfriend #1.  

Victor:  Nothing wrong with respecting a fellow rebel.  Fuck the system!

Tita:  You were doing things that you shouldn't do and getting away with it.  Take, for example, my ex Francis.  I took that habit(shoplifting) away from him, it's what I do.  I let him see how shoplifting is wrong and why would he continue to do it?  You can afford these things, why risk it?  Why are you doing something evil?  And the Francis stopped.  

Chasity did not stop after you two broke up.  Chasity got worse.  That's just my observation, and again, you have had relationships, serious relationships, with women who were your mom's age.

Victor:  Enough with that bullshit.  You and Chasity are the only serious relationships I have ever had.  I never fully committed to Carol because I was still in LOVE with my mission.  

        Up until last March I was solely committed to you, like I was committed to Chasity.  The random girls I got with on my mission were not all the same age!  Their ages varied.  

        Remember, I wasn't pursuing any of them!  I viewed all the vagina I got out on the road as blessings I deserved for being such a rebel.  STFU with your over-reading of me and your BS assumptions.  Sometimes things repeat themselves for no reason.  

        PATTERNS ARE NOT ALWAYS SIGNIFICANT!  JUST USUALLY!  BUT NOT ALWAYS!  

I repeat, the women who entered my path was all due to happenstance!  I did not search out these women!  I can share love with a woman of any age!  If two people of different ages are physically attracted to each other, and any further exploration of each other is purely consensual with set boundaries, then what's the fucking harm?  It doesn't necessarily mean a damn thing!

Tita: Then again, if you had acted towards any of them the way you act towards your mom...

Victor:  That is irrelevant because they are totally different people!  They are ageless to me.  It was just a mutual exchange of good feelings.  

Tita:  Well, we go back to that's probably why you can't have a platonic relationship, because someone like you...

Victor:  Fuck you and all of your assumptions!  Don't ever think you are right about everything when you can't know certain things.

Tita:  No, but we go back to your high and then they're high, they look nice, umm, you are a guy that probably cannot have a platonic relationship, because if the woman ever wants it she knows you are going to give it to her.  It might hurt my feelings, but you are nice, you want to boost their ego.  I am just extrapolating from what I hear.  You enjoy giving your LOVE and support to the people who want it from you. 

Victor:  In the past maybe!  That is not how I am destined to always be!

Tita:  Well, that's good, that's progress.  We go back to learning your lessons.  I have learned my lessons with men.  I learned them so well that I didn't want any man.  I was all, "I am better off by myself.  I am happy by myself.  I do what I want when I want."  It's selfish, but what's wrong with being selfish?  

        So when you came along, baby, it was like why not give this guy a chance?  He is really nice!  He is sweet and smart and intelligent.  He's had bad experiences, I am a good experience!  I am not like those other women.  I won't abuse him.  That's why I wanted to have sex with you.  Because I was attracted to you.  

That wasn't the basis of why I had sex with you.  In part it was thinking it would only be a one-night thing, that I wouldn't see you again.  I gave you a chance and I am so glad I did, because even now years later you are still surprising me!  There's so much more to you!  

        You have all of these talents that nobody thought to hone.  Nobody thought, "Maybe he shoulnd't be out busting his ass doing manual labor."  I told you from day one, "What are you doing hauling water?  You have so many talents and this is what you're doing?  You are an orator, you are a story teller, you're intelligent.  You should not be..

Victor:  I was brightening people's days and I was making friends.

Tita:  But then again, did your mom see that?  Did Carol say that when you were busting your ass on the farm?   They didn't see your true essence which is a writer, a mystic, a unifier of people, a truth bringer.  They didn't see that and I did.  I still see it.  

        You have all of these qualities, you have a kind energy, you have sweet energy.  You are awake.  You are waking up more and more and seeing through these patterns and evolving.  That's what it boils down to.  I don't think any of these women cared to make you evolve.  They knew that a little bit of sex would keep you satisfied enough.  Again, because they were not good looking, they were past their prime old ladies, they saw you as a way to boost their egos, because who wouldn't want a younger guy like Victor at their beck and call, saying I am at your service, whenever you want."  

Victor:  You think you know so much and you don't.  Carol was infatuated with my mission.  She wanted to wield the power that I was fertilizing every time I told my story.  She wanted to have the power I had, which she couldn't because she could reach so fewer people than me.  She wanted to ride on my coattail. I told her to come up with her own lines and join in on my presentation, but she never did.  

Tita:  But it didn't happen that way because you followed her.  She was the one with the car, she was the one with the house, she was the one with the money.  She set the pace for that relationship.

Victor:  Carol saw the value of my mission and chose to support it.  

Tita:  Right, but again, you followed her and her son and whatever she wanted to go and do you were there with her.  Otherwise, you suspended your mission while you were with her, even though you wanted to think that you didn't.  Your logs show that you didn't log, you didn't do anything because you were helping her make money and stealing.  

        Then Laura Majorana was another older lady, not good looking, or maybe she had a hot body, but again, you were there for the sex, and that's why she gave you money to support your cause.  She saw you as, oh, he did all this work for me?  Here's some cash.  We had some sex, here's some cash.  Yuo were kind of a paid escort.

Victor:  Fuck you for being insecure and fabricating all of this bullshit about things you can't possibly know for sure.  YOU WEREN'T THERE AND YOU HAVEN'T READ MY ENTIRE JOURNAL.  You have barely scratched the surface, so stop with your petty childish jealousy shit....if you don't then I will deliberately go make your fears come true!  

        I look back fondly on Laura Majorana and she was super attractive in my eyes.  She shared love with me and I with her, UNDER NO FALSE PRETENSES OR EXPECTATIONS OR ULTERIOR MOTIVES!  She realized I was married to my non physical mission, so I was lacking physicality, which she was kind enough to donate.  I still view Laura Majorana as an angel I was blessed with to enhance my true story.  

I used to think that of you until you started pushing my buttons.  Get off your fucking horse thinking shit you make up in your head is true.  You cannot prove any of it.  Stop lying to yourself.

Tita:  Then why would you do anything else with her than sex?  Why couldn't it be just a sexual relationship?  Why did she give you money?

Victor:  For the simple fact hat it didn't have to be just about sex!  So it wasn't!  Laura Majorana chose to support me because of who I am and what I walk for!  

Tita:  And she is another one like the other older lady, that Montague lady, who was savvy about using the system.  That attracted you two to each other.  

Victor:  Regardless of what you have dug up about Laura on the web, I am the one who actually met her, not you.  So get over it!  I don't even communicate with these people!  Why do you have to trip on stupid shit that doesn't matter?!?

Tita: Marilyn Trevino, I think.  If you look at her her FB all her posts are about the legal system, and filing this or that, she was nuts.  You could tell right away that she had major mental health issues.  Again, why did you like her?  Because she was like your mom.  Why would you want to be with this skinny wrinkled old lady that was your mom's age?  

Victor:  Marilyn Trevino, at the time, even though being like sixty five or so, had the perfect body of a thirty year old(from the neck down).  She had very cute small breasts and I got to massage her all over.  

Tita:  And didn't she encourage your love of weed?

Victor:  Oh, that was the first selling point to Marilyn.  She grew mariijuana and we could smoke all we wanted and play.  We would go on rides on my scooter and she showed me around Yreka.  I have fond memories of Marilyn.  I still consider her a friend.

Tita:  And then Carol too.  She was a dready, dirty hippie that would steal instead of work for her money.  

Victor:  Stop right there!  How long have you been with me and you think I think we should work for money?  Are you dumb?   Do you not think that I would be all for fucking the system however we can?  Do you still believe in money and think using it is the right way to live?!  Are you still trapped in the old-world of thinking?  Do you not want to be part of this revolution?  Are you trying to purposely stay behind?  

I THINK YOU ARE JUST SEARCHING FOR THINGS ABOUT MY EXES TO USE AGAINST ME BECAUSE YOU ARE SO DAMN INSECURE!

Tita:  No, I am looking at the lessons of who they were and how they effected your life.  

Victor:  STFU!  You need to stop worrying about that!  

Tita:  I am not worried...

Victor:  YOU ARE!  YOU ARE CONSUMED BY IT!  How many times have I told you to stfu about it and you just insist?  

        YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING LIAR, TO MY FACE, EVEN!  

        I shouldn't believe anything you tell me anymore, little girl.  Your actions and inaction show the exact opposite of what you say.  That just makes you lose a lot of integrity in my eyes.

Tita:  That's a shame.

Victor:  That's a shame for you, not me.

Tita:  It doesn't effect me either way.

Victor:  More bullshit, if it didn't effect you, you would STFU already.  Stop lying so much.

Tita:  Again, I am looking at it with a detached eye.

Victor:  Look at it all you want with your incomplete "facts," when in reality you are only wasting both of our time.  I don't take kindly to being wasteful.  If you don't want me to dump you as waste, then start improving your worth and supporting me instead of being opposed.  It's real simple shit!

3:10pm  I got the idea to call some photo places to see if they know where I can get my disposable cameras developed anywhere where I don't have to mail them off.  

Girl:  Photolab

Victor:  Hi, I live in Modesto.  My name is Victor and I have twenty-plus disposable cameras I need developed.  I don't need any prints, just JPEGs.  Do yo uknow where I could get that done without having to ship them off?

Girl from MJC:  I do know this place in Stockton where you can get film developed, it's called Ulmers.  Let me just get you the number for that real quick.  I just have to set the phone down for a second.  So there's two numbers on here, but I would definitely call before you go.  The first number: 209-464-2299 and the cell is 209-603-5800.  182 West adams street miracle mile.  www.ulmerphoto.com  Sam, owner.