032803

 

San Marcos, TX

Friday March 28, 2003

     5:00am  Got woken up for breakfast again. Two biscuits, oatmeal, shit-on-a-shingle(SOS). Corey gave me his biscuits. Dustin gave me his oatmeal. I'm full. Took a shit. Tried calling mom but phone still doesn't work. Going to start reading Vertical Run by Joseph Garber. Damnit! Book starts at page seventeen, forget it.

     1:40pm  I'm going crazy today. The suspense is nearly killing me. The paranoia is taking me over too. My mom is supposed to bail me out tomorrow. I am still enraged at her. I asked her why I had to wait until Saturday and she said because that's when she gets paid. Like it would be so hard for her to borrow a hundred and fifty dollars from somewhere, especially if she was willing to dish out the cash Saturday. But no, everything has to be at her convenience. She thinks I belong in jail, remember. She wouldn't dream of going through any extra trouble for her own son. She wouldn't dare ask my grandparents for a loan. They could spare it, especially if she was able to pay them back tomorrow. Oh, but she's too afraid they'll tell her she doesn't have to pay them back. Note the sarcasm.  It's her stupid pride.
                   I am sure everybody thinks you should respect your parents regardless and that I am a terrible son for talking about my mom like I do. What makes her think she deserves so much though? I believe a parent's true purpose is to teach and nurture their children, even if they bend the rules. Not just pay the bills. All her life, she has done everything half-assed. She always takes the easy way out. She actually busted her ass in college and got herself a master's in psychotherapy, yet she's teaching special education at a high school. She's a high-paid babysitter. All she knows how to do is bitch and everyone knows complaining won't do shit. She's a walking sympathy-plea. I would gladly reverse my attitude towards my mom if I actually saw her try and change for the better. I know everyone makes mistakes. I, by no means, think I'm perfect, but I do try to learn from my mistakes to avoid recurrence. I'll forgive you, mom. Just try. Never stop trying. It's never too late to become what you might've been. The truth might hurt sometimes, but you can't ever change it. You can only hide from it, if you choose to.
                   What makes it even more frustrating for me is that her phone number still won't accept collect calls. It's been two days since she supposedly took the block off. She even told me she had to pay thirty dollars to do it. Either she got ripped off, or she's lying. I bet she's going to take her sweet ass time tomorrow too, if she comes at all. I am going to have to pretend to be nice to her tomorrow. I want to go to the Fossil outlet here in San Marcos and buy a new wallet. I also wanted to drive down 2352 and see if I can find my stick. The cops just left it on the side of the highway.  After that, when we are driving home, I am disowning my mother until she is prepared to apologize.
                   I really hope I get my hard drive and microcassettes back too. I backed up the important stuff, but that backup is in police custody too(stupid-me). If I don't, I can sue, but that will take too long. I have a war to stop.
     Oh yeah, let me tell you why I am so paranoid. Even if they give me my stuff back I'm sure they'll make copies and give it to the feds, if they haven't already. If they let me go, they'll be keeping an eye on me. I need to skip town again, maybe even leave the country. I'm just a big ball of nerves. I need some closure. I am even thinking about turning myself in to the FBI/CIA, just to see what happens. It would probably be suicide, but it would just expedite everything. I would die a martyr. I would tell everybody if I would disappear soon, to blow the lid on my stuff.

     9:51pm  The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I did however find a very interesting book in the big pile of novels in the corner. It's called The Sherwood Game by Esther Friesner. I had looked at it earlier, but dismissed it after seeing a picture of Robin Hood on the cover(one of the the few books in the stack with the cover still attached). On second glance, I noticed a big city skyline over the picture of Robin. I thought, "Wow, a modern Robin Hood story. This should be interesting." I haven't been able to put it down. It's about virtual reality and artificial intelligence. Right up my alley. I am going to ask if I can keep it when I leave tomorrow. They should let me. It's got a big red "donated" stamp on it.

     12:00am  Told Ricardo Garza Sr. my stories.

Next day..