052023

 052023  Saturday

     7:28pm  I'm walking.  I'm going to go around and tell my story.  I'm going to try and go to karaoke tonight and sing some Ween songs.  I really want to do Help Me Scrape My Mucus Off My Brain.  It'll be so much fun.  I can do air-guitar with my walking stick.  So I'm walking to see who I can tell my story to.  Maybe I'll go stand in front of the 7-11.  I'll have some fun tonight.  Alright, bye.  

    7:39pm  Shit, I was walking and noticed I had my girl's phone in my pocket.  I'm going to walk back and give it to her.  She's going to want to have her phone even though it can't make or receive calls because of nonpayment, but she can still use the Wifi at home and play WordFeud, our favorite Android distraction time-waster.  We can also communicate through the chat in that game too.  Technology is grand.  :P

            Be sure to download Erma Bombeck suggested by this beautiful flower-girl Star, that I met at the bar tonight.  Star: "If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I in the pits?  That's the name of the book."  Okay, I know where to get it for free on the undernet.

     11:06pm  I should've started recording this when she started talking but will you rewind and start over?  

Elizabeth: "Yeah, as I was walking back from Tori's the restaurant.."  

Victor:  "I'm sorry, babe.  I'm going to find a cigarette real quick.  I want you to keep going though.  Express yourself while I'm gone and I'll type it up later, bye.  Don't stop until I come back, okay?" 

Elizabeth:  "Okay, so I was reflecting on why I've been so paralyzed.  We signed the paperwork in August to do the settlement.  We had the settlement conference in front of the judge and Victor and I knew we would leave.  We both knew that once I secured the rights to this home and property, that that would be the end of my ties to this Love-forsaken town.  That would be the significant event, THE loose end that we had to tie up, otherwise it would be unfinished business.  

     I couldn't very well start anew, fresh somewhere else having not only the house to take care of, but the responsibility of the lawsuit.
     So, I was thinking, as I was walking back from Tori's, Victor stayed, but it was getting chilly.  We had brought the dogs and the boy was getting scared from all the loud booms, I guess the Modesto Nuts won tonight and they do fireworks at the end of every baseball game.  So, the babies were scared and we decided to leave, otherwise I would've been perfectly happy to just sit and meditate, had the dogs been comfortable.  I would've been happy to withstand the cold, because I was slightly cold.
     I was walking back by myself wondering why have I been dragging my feet so much?  The house, everything was finalized and we had the public notary there with my attorney in January.  January 25th, I believe.  

     So I was thinking, why has it been months since I have made a step forward?  Why have I been so stagnant?  The outside, today, I don't think I've been outside in a while. Victor: "It's my fault because I spoil you so much."  Maybe it's a combination of that, it could be.  So, I went outside and thought, man, this lawn has never been this bad.  My mom and dad would be embarrassed.  I'm embarrassed.  What do my brother's think?  That I died?  Maybe I'm sick?  There's really no excuse to have the lawn completely abandoned, the weeds are overgrown.  Victor: "I think you are exaggerating, plus, you're brothers don't care."  

     My brothers are way into appearances, so of course they care if the house they grew up in was a mess.  They would wonder why.  And it also makes me embarrassed because it's a reflection of me, to have everything in shambles.  There's all of this carpet out here that Victor tore up and threw out the window.  Victor: "Well then, you can just blame it on me."  

     Anyway, I was like why did I let this accumulate?  No wonder Victor is getting spooked thinking I don't really want to go.  I'm sure he's thinking, "I need to leave and Elizabeth isn't showing any signs of wanting to in her actions.  She just says she wants to go and talk is cheap and actions speak louder.  If I pay attention to Elizabeth's actions and she doesn't do anything, supposedly she wants to sell things, post things on the internet, but she doesn't do anything."  I am sure that's what he's thinking.  It's no wonder, my babe has a good reason to freak out.  Elizabeth doesn't want to move, she's all talk.  I guess she wants to stay here until she dies, with no job, no income, not happy and living in this crappy town.  I am sure that's what he's thinking.  

     So I was thinking, why am I being so resistant?  Why am I not jumping on the bandwagon with Victor who I adore?  And getting the heck out of Dodge?  Like why am I not getting busy selling things like the big ticket items.  Why aren't I having yard sales every weekend, getting rid of stuff and packing up the stuff that I do want to take with us.

     So it struck me that it's simple fear.  In actuality Victor has good reason to doubt because I am not showing the impetus to leave and why?  Again, it's because part of me doesn't.  

     A big chunk of me, even now, imagining not being here?  It's probably one of the scariest experiences I have ever had.  Victor: "Aww, I'll keep you under my wing, baby."  I get it, but because Modesto has been my backyard, even when I was in college, when I was a young professional working at Shlage Lock I would come and visit my family on the weekends, so Modesto has always been the touch, the homebase that has always grounded me.  

     A big part of me is very resistant to change.  I think what if I don't like it in Victor's hometown because he for sure wants to stay there?  I should at least give it a shot though.  But again, just thinking that I'm not going to be here, that I'm not going to have this house anymore if I sell it... This property and the city, they're kind of intertwined.  Again, this has been my stability.  This has been the place I call home for almost 53 years now.  
     When dad was alive my friend Joyce would ask me, "What do you want to do?  Just say you had, money wasn't an issue and your dad was gone, what is it that you would want to do?"  I told her that I wanted to travel, and just go from place to place and get to know the country.  Right now I started thinking, Wow! As much as that sounded good, right now, that feels very scary to me.  Because again, I've always had a reference point, homebase, Modesto, Modesto.  The people who had loved me and helped me here, my mom and definitely my dad, who I loved them both and was EXTREMELY attached to, since I was a kid, to both of them, I would prefer being with my mom and dad than going out with my friends sometimes.  I was spoiled.  I was very wanted because I was the only girl, la unica.  I was very similar to my mom, I was very quiet.  Victor: "I'm going to go upstairs, but keep talking, I want the full story."
     I was very similar to my mom.  I was a bookworm.  I liked cleaning and organizing things.  We really meshed, my mom and my dad and I.  As much as my mom had issues with me later.  It was because I made my dad happier.  To my mom that was the big error that I made, to get my dad in a happy mood and smiling everyday, and looking forward to life and no longer dependent on his wife that didn't love him for love he never got, which he received from his daughter in huge amounts.  That infuriated her because it sabotaged her plan of ruination that she had so cleverly set into place.  That was my big "sin."  Otherwise, my mom and dad kept me here.  I don't want to be here though.
     But it feels like I am stepping into the unknown by leaving.  Victor: "How long ago, give me years.  When did you move to Modesto?  How old were you?"  

     I was four months old.  I was born in Mexico and parents emigrated when I was four months old.  I visited Mexico, twice, I think.  Once when I was a baby and then again for my quinceanera, the year that I turned ten, in 1980.  Then my mother, Juan and I also went on a short trip to get documents signed that my mom needed signed, legal documents, of some sort.  That was hardly a visit.  We flew there.

     So I've been here.  Then I went to school at Berkeley for four years.  I spent a year here after I graduated working, making money and then moved to San Francisco.  Again, this was always the place, this is like homebase.  It has been home for most of my life.  To think I don't have a place to return to, if things don't work out... Victor: "Before I go and smoke a cigarette, can you tell me if you have made a firm decision at the end of this story?  Sorry for the spoiler, everybody, but I need to know."  

     Yes, I'm going to move mountains and choose the things that I want to keep and discard, or sell, or give away the rest.  I'm going to make it a priority, I'm going to wake up early.  Victor: "After you talk with this new realtor we contacted I'm going to give you a week to decide what you are going to throw away.  You have a week.  If at the end of that week there is still a mountain of stuff, I WILL decide what goes and stays.  Is that okay?  Can you agree to that?"  

     Yeah, and I think it would be helpful if you were to encourage me, be by my side when I decide.  Victor: "Great, and I will.  Now, I want you to repeat my request, verbatim, if possible."  Okay, you want to give me from until now to next Sunday.  Victor: "I'll even grant you an extra day if needed."  Tomorrow I'm not going to be able to do this as much, I'm going to work on the yards, but some of this, because someone is coming over to look at the house.  So you're giving me a week and after that you determine what I keep and what leaves.  

     Victor: "Yes, I will have veto-power in a week if I see no change.  I am not giving you this mandate to help you, but ME which will help US and everybody else in the long term."  

     Elizabeth: "I'm just saying that I think it will help greatly if you stand there with me and encourage me."  

     Victor: "I will help, but not as much as you want.  I've made life very easy for you in the recent years.  I want to see some real effort on your part.  You need to learn to depend on yourself more.  I hope you like a challenge.  You decide.  I just hope you have some new things to base your decision on."

     Elizabeth: "Yeah, I don't want to break up with Victor at all.  I think on top of the extreme depression that would set in if he were to depart, not having any support, because I have nobody in this town right now.  I have not one human in this world, so if you were to leave me, this is the worst time you could choose to.  So I need to balance that with trying to keep as much money, trying to generate enough money because that's going to be my piggybank.  That's what I need to live on.  I mean, I still plan on finding a job.  

     Victor: "Baby, you forget I'M hiring!  I'll take care of you forever!  You don't have to get a job!  Okay?  I promise!  Even if we weren't getting this money I would take care of you.  LOVE will provide for us if we let it!  If we trust in it.  If we stop caring so much about money.  So let's just take what we can and get the fuck out of here already, and live!"

      Umm, I found the bars to the cage, but nobody wants to leave.  ::sobbing::"  I want to leave.  Victor: "But you want to leave insisting to have regrets from what MIGHT have been.  That's no way to live in the present moment."  
     Even if it hurts, you HAVE TO say goodbye to ALL of it and lets get the fuck out of here.  All these soulless possessions are sabotaging our plans for happiness!  I loathe every material thing in this house that has taken possession of the woman I love."  It's not yours, though.  Victor: "I still hate it!  I wish IT WAS mine, then I would have the authority to do away with ALL of it and hit the road."  ::Elizabeth chuckles::
     Haha, I understand, babe, and I empathize with you.  Victor: "I was hopeful you had turned a new leaf when you started this recording."  It's nothing but fear.  Victor: "Well, now that you see it, you can ignore it."  Well, you're going to see me working to get rid of all this stuff, moving it out, giving it away.  It may not seem like a lot to you, but I've already started setting aside things that I want to donate and not even try to sell it.  I'd also like to go through our dishes and pare down.  Please don't lose hope in me.  My actions will show you that I want to leave.  Victor: "Please understand why I am pushing you so hard."  I think I do.  I think I need you to be.  I think you think this is the only way.  Victor: "I could push you a lot harder and I just might if you make me."
     This is uncomfortable with how you are doing now.  You have been causing me a lot of stress lately.  Last night I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep.  It hasn't been easy for me.  I wish you would ease up on me, honey.  Just gauge my progress every day.  I will show you, again, it's going to be taxing on me, but I have to push through.  It's not your fault that I've been so sedentary for days on end, months on end.  

     Victor: "I just want you to think about things more before you say them and make sure you are sincere about every single thing that comes out of your mouth."  

     That's what I am saying.  As hard as it's going to be I have to push through the resistance, the fatigue, because I've been literally doing nothing to further our happiness.  You have been doing way more than I have, but you haven't done yardwork like you used to, and you haven't been doing dishes lately.  Your activity has been more mental, because you've been working nonstop these past two and a half months on your blog.  I haven't done much and as much as I am going to have a lot of resistance doing it, I have to.  I have to say gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.  Maybe another yard sale wouldn't be such a bad idea.  It would be the last-ditch effort.  Hmm, also having an estate sale would be an even better idea.  That would be a compromise, because even though estate sale companies take fifty percent.  


     Victor: "Oh, I had an awesome idea that I have to interrupt this story with.  I'm going to go to the same sign design place that made my t shirts and get a huge sign that says: "MOVING! HELP US EMPTY OUR HOUSE, EVERYTHING FREE!  TAKE WHAT YOU WANT!"  If we get it done professionally we can have it say other stuff real legible, so help me think of good verbiage for the sign.  It could even say FOR SALE BY OWNER ABANDONING CONTENTS COME GET MY STUFF.  That would drive it home!"  Hmm, EVERYTHING MUST GO, FREE!  We will lure people in like crazy with that sign.  I'll even add I GET WHAT I GIVE! at the end.
     Then when people arrive we'll have a thing that says donations and we'll bank.  And I'll be handing out my blog and telling stories. We'll get rid of ALL of it this way.  What do you think?"
 
     That might be a good idea.

     "Listen.  What we'll do is put everything we don't want taken into the empty yellow sun-room and close the sliding glass door, so people can still look into it.  After people have gone through the whole house, we'll tell them, "In this room are our valuables, which we will consider getting rid of if the price is right."  And then let them in the room, supervised to peruse.  
     There's only ten days until the end of the month and I get my monthly-infusion.  I'll go talk to the pretty sign shop girl and ask her if she'll at least give me a discount, for my cause.  I'll even throw in a free t shirt.  Wish me luck, everybody."

     I say just tell the shop ten dollars.  Victor: "No, no, no.  I want a sign that's worth WAY more than ten dollars.  I am willing to pay fifty dollars, sixty dollars even, or more.  It's a sure-fire investment where we will profit greatly in the end.  With a good sign in the front yard we won't even have to advertise on street corners.   Word will travel fast once the giveaway begins.  

     I seriously doubt I am the first to have this liquidating idea.  Wouldn't it be cool if I am and it works?  The sign is going to be legible.  It will be able to be read by cars driving by.  EVERYTHIG FREE will be in red letters.  We'll get rid of ALL of our shit in a weekend!  And we'll get money!  I'll be telling my stories and passing out my blog.  People will go home and read about my worthy cause and by the end of the giveaway I'll have Modesto hooking us up!  Capiche!

     I had totally forgot I had thought of this earlier.  

     "Wait, hold on, baby.  What would it take for us to sell this house ourselves?"  That, I don't know.  I guess we'd have to do the paperwork ourselves.  We'd have to secure the loan, banking, it will require banking.  "I am sure there is a real estate company that would do the minimal at a lower cost.  Without advertising, just point us in the right direction.  Or maybe we can Google it."  I suppose so.  We could do the marketing ourselves.  The marketing would be as easy as putting up a for sale by owner sign in the front yard.  "An awesome FOR SALE BY OWNER sign that I would design."  I think we should run this idea by this guy.  We'll talk to him tomorrow.


     The date today is Saturdaty, Karooke night, number two.  Victor: "Have I talked about how awesome Karaoke was??  Okay, my honey and me walked the dogs.  Hold on, I was about to take off without her because she was lagging as usual to get ready and I didn't want to be late.  I walked off but quickly returned I had walked all the way to Orangeburg and realized I had her phone in my pocket.  At first I thought I should keep it so she doesn't get distracted, but then figured she would really want her phone, so I walked back.  I opened the garage and poked my head in the kitchen door and yelled, "Hey! I'm leaving your phone on the washer so it will be harder for you to get to, so don't let it distract you!  Bye again!"
     I walked back and like a block away I had a thought and walked back home.  I went inside and told Elizabeth, "I know you have already started on your clearing mission and LOVE knows I want you to finish that, but if you wouldn't mind the derail we could take the dogs for a walk.  Maybe we can walk to a park and I can find me some listeners to tell my story to.  At first I was thinking the neighborhood park behind us on Lakewood, but we ended up walking down to the one close to Orangeburg down Meadow Rue.  Right when we left I saw her cross the street to walk down Meadow Rue and I thought, "That's cool, maybe I am meant to talk to people at that park instead.  
     When we first walked into the park I approached some guy shooting hoops by himself.  He seemed like 17 or so.  I walked up to him and said, "Excuse me, brother.  I am a journalist, a long distance walker.  I've been all over the country.  Will you check out my blog?"  
     I was in total uniform with my shirt and walking stick.  A green shirt and green hat.  He seemed really interested in my story at first, but the second time I ask if people are willing to continue to listen he backed out so I offered my blog.  He gladly accepted and told me, "I'll be sure to tell everybody."  I forgot his name, and I keep forgetting to ask people if I can take their picture.  
    Oh yeah, my story telling has evolved!  I'm busting out with the note from the rich to start now!  I LOVE reciting the note from the rich!  I get such a rush!  People fucking love it!  Especially when I start with the Dear Slaves(which I originally added).  
     Then we walked the dogs all the way to the bar, the Karaoke bar in the Japanese Restaurant.  Elizabeth sat down at the bench out front with the dogs and I went inside to ask them what time Karaoke started.  Any minute now.
     Actually no, we got there like fifteen minutes early and I was bored.  I thought I'd walk down to the smokeshop like three businesses down and see if there was anybody there who might listen to my story, to kill time until Karaoke started.  I walked in and nobody was there except for the clerk, this nice Syrian man.  I asked him if he had seen my blog.  I handed him a blog paper and told him how many Chuck Norris jokes there were.  He said, "I remember you now.  You gave this to me a while ago, but I never looked at it."  I gave it to him again and he told me, "It's awesome that you're doing this."  I said you're welcome, and that he would see me again, that I was everywhere.  
     
     I walked back outside and looked down the storefront to the left, in front of Torii's but no one was outside.  I started walking towards it and all of a sudden a beautiful older lady, with long flowing hair that I could totally see by looking in her pretty eyes that she was a peaceful flower child.  And her name ended up being Star!  Not hippie, just organic, if that makes any sense.  You could see the peace in her.  She came to sing Karaoke tonight.  They have karaoke here nightly from Thursday to Sunday, four nights a week!  
     When I walked up I noticed her reading my shirt and smiling real big.  I was already pulling my hand out of my pocket with my loaded pipe and lighter to hand to her when I hear her ask, "Do you have any weed you could smoke with me?"  I can tell the future with this shirt!  Ha!  Elizabeth: "But babe, what about COVID?"  Ahh, COVID is a bunch of hooey!  I'm not scared of anything!  I'm doing everything right.  And I was sure to wipe the mouthpiece before and after I hit it after her.  I can't be afraid of something like that.  To me it's a non-issue, a nothing-burger as Jordan Sather would say.

     I made the handoff telling her, "What's the point in having any if you don't share it?"  She gladly sucked down a hit right there in front of the bar, and her pretty eyes reddened.  

     We sat down and Star heard me out sooooo well.  She listened to me hardcore and I was delighted to happen upon such a good listener at a bar.  I laid a lot of my good stuff on her, note from the rich, etc. and I had her hypnotized with her pretty eyes locked on mine and nodding her head up and down in agreement(or maybe she was just drunk).  
   
     At nine I walked in all happy hoping they had good songs on their list.  I walked inside and everybody's eyes were locked on my shirt and my goofy ass with a backpack and walking stick.  I went up to the Karoake booth in the back and asked them if they had a list, a printout of what songs they had.  This younger girl with a real sweet face told me they had over 300,000 songs to choose from.  I asked her to look up what Ween they had and they actually had a nice handful, but not really the songs I wanted to sing.  Before I looked at the list I asked her if they had Baby Bitch.  She said that if they did I would have to wait until after ten to sing it, because there were still young children in the restaurant.  They didn't have it, though.  Bummer.  Elizabeth: "Why would they have a problem with that song?"  Umm, look at the title, baby.  It says bitch in it.  Also, in the song it says fuck you, you stinking ass hoe.  You don't see how parents wouldn't appreciate their kids hearing that?  "Okay, yeah, I guess you're right."
 
     I couldn't believe they had some songs by my favorite band.  It wasn't Help Me Scrape My Mucus Off My Brain like I wanted to, but I sang Piss Up a Rope.  I thought drunk people would enjoy it, but I didn't get too much applause afterwards.  Everybody probably thinks I'm crazy(just like I want them to), I was dancing to the song with my walking stick on stage.  Even blowing it, it's a whistle too.  I was just trying to be my usual self, entertaining.   

     Oh yeah, they had Voodoo Lady!  I love that song!  It starts out with all these boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, and I was singing them.  I was belting out the song, it was badass.  It just so happens that the song goes, "Shaking that stick, driving me crazy!"  When it said that I would shake my walking stick.  Then I would blow the whistle into the microphone.  When the song starts its got this cool beat, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, and I would bounce my stick on the stage in tune with the beat, to give it more bass effect.  People were clapping during the whole thing.  As soon as I finished and sat down this nice dude offered to buy me a drink.  What a kind gesture.  I felt very welcome.  Welcome to Karaoke night, Victor.

     When I sat down the kind man asked me what I wanted to drink.  I told him I didn't really drink, but that I WAS Puertorican.  He said, "Do you want a Bacardi?  I said, "I was thinking more like a shot of rum, straight."  :]  He promptly got me a shot.  Afterwards I was able to log his generosity and I gave him my blog and told him he would be on there when I updated it.  Sorry I forgot your name, but you know who you are.  

     I just realized that I could just easily download Mixcraft and make karaoke videos like I used to in Weed, CA after 2012!  It'll be the return of the Karaoke Wizard!  

     That shot of rum totally lubricated my story-telling too.  It was real nice.  I love telling the note from the rich when I'm stoned, lol.  

Next day..