090406

 

Boulder, CO

Monday September 4, 2006

     9:00am  Carol: "Victor and I woke up at Lugena's."

     5:29pm  Let's see, this morning Carol and I hung out at Lugena's. We had some good sex. After a while I got bored so I volunteered to move all our stuff from Lugena's back to camp. So, as not to walk in front of Bear Creek Apartments with a with a shopping cart full of stuff and look homeless close to our camp, I pushed the cart up Baseline, by the dorms all the way up to the church. I pushed the cart to the trail entrance from the church parking lot. First I took Carol's heavy ass bag and this nice tent Ocean gave her last night. I hiked it all the way to the camp. Then I went back and grabbed my pack and our big blue netted laundry bag. At the camp I tried sizing out Ocean's tent, but it was way too big. Instead I pitched our our much smaller pup-tent that we scored at the thrift store the other day. I walked back to Lugena's. She works until nine tonight. I brought my dirty rain poncho and hosed it off at Canyon Creek. Then Carol and I walked all the way to our "new" camp. She made some modifications. Since Lugena isn't coming home until nine, and all the walking back and forth made me real hungry, Carol said we would go back to Lugena's and she'd cook me a burger. Oh yeah, this morning around eleven I went to Denny's and Forest hooked me up with biscuits and gravy. I had paid the two sixty nine for one order, then I got Forest's attention finally and asked him if he would hook me up with another one for my girl.

                    Carol: "Breakfast was extraordinary. So good. We moved camp this morning. Victor took everything back and set up camp, pup-tent and all. I stayed and cleaned Lugena's place. Then we took Sueño and fixed it all up. When we were done we walked to the Broker Inn and checked our email. Victor had fifty more hits on his website in just one day. No email for me. We then went to Lugena's to watch a movie. She doesn't get home until nine. It's 7:30pm now. I couldn't live here. It's really noisy. We were watching The Man with the Iron Mask. We had hamburgers for dinner. We walked home back to our camp together. We got in a fight and it was my fault. All my fault. I feel so bad. I would give anything to take it back, but I can't. Now I have done it, Victor really wants to leave now. Who can blame him? It kills me to know that yesterday I was "his girl." Today I am nothing. Victor is the most amazing person I have ever met. All I've ever wanted was to be like him. He thinks I need him, but that is not true. I have been alone my entire life. I don't need anyone. He also thinks I should wean myself from him. I'm not that attracted really. I have had plenty of opportunities to be with other men. It happens a lot. Guys always ask me out but that is not the problem. The problem is that I love Victor Antonio from San Antonio. He is so kind and compassionate . He's strong and sensitive. He's really smart and enlightened. He's probably one of the greatest people I have ever met in my life. True - that he fell in love with me first, but since I've been with him my life has found purpose and meaning. Of course as he says it has to work both ways and he is no longer in love with me. That too is my fault. I drove him away. The worst part for me is my loss of this mission. Not to be able to to go tell Victor's story with him is the greatest loss. I feel so empty as though my life has no meaning now. Victor hates me. He says he'll stay with me until I get to Cali but then it's over. I wouldn't be surprised if he took off before that and I deserve it. But he is a man of his word so he won't. He can't understand why I feel so depressed that I wish I didn't exist but he also doesn't understand that this mission(ever since he asked me to come on it with him) has become my soul. The most important thing in the world to me. Without it? Well, there just isn't anything else. And so it ends. if I could change time then I would be writing about how wonderful it was to wake up in our little orange pup-tent that Victor pitched. To see the shadows of the trees dancing on the side of the tent through the morning sun. To roll over and see the beautiful face of my lover beside me. How wonderful it is to hold him, to touch his hair and look into his eyes. To know that we share a dream. This common dream of WPTM. I might even be writing about how we made love. We did that yesterday at Lugena's house and it was so beautiful. So good. He says that things can't be the same now, so I only have two weeks left of my life. I want them to be extraordinary. I wish Victor could see me for who I truly am. I have walked so much to get in shape and done a great job. Everyone who hasn't seen me in a while tells me I look great. I'm a very dedicated powerful woman with a lot of love. I could make this mission an even greater success. My presence and persistence could be a catalyst for everything. This is all I've wanted is to be, Vic's support. His traveling partner helping him. Being a good assistant to this mission. And a great one. I guess I've ruined all hope of that. Only one plan for my future fits now. I know Victor doesn't understand my pain. When he types this up maybe he will remember how much I adored him(I love you Victor. I wish I could have been what you wanted.) So now in this end I must continue. I must show Victor how much I love him and his mission for the next two weeks. It will be the best two weeks of his life(I hope)."

Next day..