Monday September 11, 2023
10:59am Messing with the pool filter timer.
2:17pm Victor and I are out here in the backyard eating some delicious seeded watermelon. We picked it up and Rodin Farms. And we have been enjoying it for about a week. It was ten bucks. It's one of the few seeded, of all the places we went to only SaveMart had seeded watermelons for more than a month, but they didn't look good. They didn't have any of the signs that healthy watermelon are supposed to have. So we finally found them at Rodin's. We have been munching on it for a while. We plan to go get another one soon. They are hard to find.
Ya comenso el vecino. Cada ves que salimos aqui a platicar, o nuestros perros ladrando, pone el vecino la musica a volumen bien alto.
Out of spite, you think?
Para no oirnos, quisas.
Aqui estamos, yo y Victor. Estamos tomando un descanso del medio die y para tener tiempo juntos. Aprovechando para platicar. Y esta tarde lo que vamos hacer es enfocarnos en la limpieza de la yarda. El patio en frente y atras. Porque emos descuidado mucho, y ya viene otoño y tenemos que pensar en la lluvia. Tenemos que poner todo en su lagar. No es mucho, pero cositas de madera que tenemos afuera. Y las plantas que no van a sobrevivir el tiempo, meterlos. Y la basura, claro. Esto es nuestro projecto para oy. La pisina, tambien, tenemos problmas con el pool sweep, pero eso lo vamos a trater la proxima semana. Vamos a comprar clorina tambien. Hoy es lunes, el primer dia de la semana.
Victor: "¿Que esta pasando con nuestras vidas ahora?
En nuestras vidas vamos a conseguir un prestamo con un banco. Para poder rentar la casa en ves de venderla. Y poder tener un lugar stable, por lo menos por este año. Victor y yo queremos tener la abilidad a ir a donde quieramos a la hora que queremos, y viajar. Para eso necesitamos una base en que no estamos pagando renta. Si asemos eso yo no voy a tener que trabajar. Los enquilinos me van a pagar suficiente para yo poder de pagar el prestamo al banco. That's what we are trying to do, survive on Victor's money from SSI, as much as we can. Why? Because we rather borrow from the bank. And then keep the funds coming to me little by little, instead of selling it and having this lump sum to worry about. And my brothers are very much dragging their feet on it anyway.
Victor: "What about me leaving?"
Victor made me really upset the other day. Rather than argue about it I just kind wanted to not give it as much attention and just let it kind of, I don't know, we have had arguments in the past and I am trying to figure out a way to approach those arguments and avoid the arguing. So, he said things that really hurt my feelings and got me feeling like is Victor playing with me? Why does he tell me something and then he doesn't mean it? A lot of it is that we just have different perceptions of things. Sometimes I say things that hurt his feelings or he takes it way different than I had intended. Which happens with other people, it's not just with Victor. There must be something with how I speak that can cause confusion. I know Victor's been burned too, and people have lied to him. I don't lie to Victor. I am brutally honest with him, as a matter of fact. I even told him not to tell everyone what I tell you because sometimes things are private. So anyway, things are going good between us, but I was kind of hoping to have some time apart. We have been together, sin parar...
Victor: For five years now!
Anyway, things are going really well. Oh, I was saying because I was kind of upset at Victor, and it took me a while to kind of bounce back from that, and I'm angry then I'm not angry. Victor also knows that I don't like to be compared to people that have screwed him over. Anyway, becuase I was angry at him and I've been wanting some time to myself and be completely alone I suggested that Victor go visit his mom. He also wants to go pick up pictures from his mission box. His mom did say, she didn't want me to tell Victor, but I did tell him that Diana will probably be there and that she would rather him not go during those days, so she could devote time to Diana. She said, "Quero darle tiempo a Diana." I told Victor about that. She's going to be there from the 20th to the 26th. Those are the days. I told her, "I think Victor just wants to go there one day, get whatever he can from his box and just leave, not even spend the night.
Victor: "I'm going to see her plenty when we move to San Antonio."
Yeah, but we're not sure when that will be.
Victor: I will at least clean her kitchen.
11:00pm I made an appointment for eleven for this idea. It all depends if Victor wants to shock his family, or have a good time when he visits. What I want for Victor is I want him to enjoy his family. Even just touch bases with them. Because whatever happened in the past is gone. What kind of relationship does he want today? Maybe deciding that will have an impact on tomorrow. Really what's important to most of us is can you help me out? Or not, whatever. In the immediate, right? In this next week, month. Maybe I am plamning out my life for the next three months. Brother, can you lend a hand? That's why it's impoartant to live in the present. However Victor feels about it, I would hope that he would enjoy his family. Just catch up with them, they haven't known you for so long. I feel that no matter what, Victor is finally with a woman that is maybe worthy of him. Even though she is not in her fully glory, he's heard stories that she's really sharp, really intelligent, the conclusions that I have heard from other people, and from Victor within the first couple of days that we met. And again, he hasn't seen me that way because I have been in an unusual circumstance. My dad died, I have no money, I wasn't working because my dad took so much effort. One year I was working three other jobs, some of them voluntary. I started with volunteer work, like NAMI, for example. So I have had exhaustion working and holding down the fort, having dysfuntion in the house. All this stuff, so I get it.
Victor's family is very unique as everyone's is. I have been priveleged to hear about some of their stuff from their perspective. So yeah, I would hope Victor would go and just say, Guess what, I am with a cool woman now. I bagged someone who you might not have anticipated and guess what, it's not that she's nuts, and it's not that she's needy, like maybe has happened in the past, perhaps, I don't know, maybe the girls in Victor's path were also top-notch, spiritual people, BUT, if they weren't, it's called trauma-bonding. He found someone that they identified their traumas and they had addictions together. I myself have food addiction. You can just look at my body as a barometer of how healthy or unhealthy or how balanced and unbalanced I am. We all have our addictions, right? Our over-indulgences.
Anyway, what I am thinking is if Victor wants to have a cool interaction go and just show them, you know what, I found a cool person and I am a different person, I have different standards now. I am not stuck up, but I am different. I have met somebody that sees me in a different way than maybe you did. And isn't that cool?
They might also have evolved into people Victor and I want t be friends with. Maybe not, though. We don't know any of this, but if wants to throw a wrench, if he wants to piss off his mom, show up for sure between the 20th and the 27th, ha! I got this date from Ada over and over. She was the one insisting, "Oh, she has work, she's going to Canada.
I called her like the day before, feeling bad, because I know Victor didn't want me asking for handouts. I hate asking for handouts myself, but I also know, again, thinking if I was a 72 year old woman and my son was coming to visit, personally, me, I would want to have a good time with my son. I would want to spend at least a whole day hanging out with him. But I didn't hear any of that. I heard, "As long as Diana is not here." Because Diana, "Quiero darle su tiempo. Ella me lo da a mi." Basically, what I think about Victor's mom is something that I have suspected all along and I have gone into great lengths and detail with Victor describing why and how it sounds like that way. To him this is old news, but Victor's mom cherishes and loves and adores Diana. That's her little queen, her little jewel. Which is beautiful. That's a beautiful thing. You can just feel the love, when she speaks about Diana her voice changes. Everytime I have talked about my accomplishments, I don't have my mom and dad anymore, I am my own person. When I stated my accomplishments she always had to one-up me with something Diana had done. She always made it a point to go on and on about how wonderful Diana is. MAybe it's the same as with Rosa, my sister in law, jealousy. Unfounded, but jealousy nonetheless. I know it might be a little unrealistic but one can't help thinking, well, she's my spouses mother, maybe she can be my mother for a little bit. I admit I might have had that expectation. I didn't have that with my ex's mom. She was very cold, white Irishwoman, functional alkie.
Anyway, Victor's mom adores Diana, and Diana has the funds to do like a man, sugar-daddy.
I guess she doesn't like Lauar as much as Diana. I don't know, it seems to me that way. She barely talks about Laura to me. The impression I have with Laura is that she keeps to herself a lot. She doesn't have many friends. She's not very social. She's kind of boring. That's kind of the impression I get from Ada. Which is very different than when she talks about Diana. She did tell me that Laura was the #1 tetista(lactation consultant) in town. For Victor too, how awesome that his twin sister is a successful business lady doing something that's really needed.
11:45 113.mp3
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