1. My pet rock leaves pebbles all over the house.
2. I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny.
Because he's my newt.
3. What did the little corn say to the mama corn?
Where is pop corn?
4. What did the Tin Man say when he was run over by a steamroller?
"Curses. Foiled again!"
5. What did Kermit order at McDonalds?
French flies and a diet croak.
6. What did the DJ say to the farmer?
Lettuce turnip the beet.
7. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
8. What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-A-A-A
9. Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I’ve got some cream for that.
10. For the third night in a row, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
11. Okay, this is hard to say, but,
Worcestershire sauce
12. I’ve got very sensitive teeth.
As a matter of fact, they’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.
13. What if dogs lick us because they know we have bones inside us and they want them? Then what?
14. "Hello, this is Doggie Support. Have you tried throwing it up and eating it again?"
15. I asked my wife if she wanted to go see a llama herd. She said, "Sure. Alpaca suitcase."
16. Why cant you keep a secret on a farm?
The corn have ears, the potatoes have eyes, the beans talk and the pigs squeal.
17. What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
18. Heck is a place where people go if they don't believe in gosh.
19. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.
20. I don't like going to the pancake house.
That place gives me the crepes.
21. What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture
22. I’ve started a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
23. It didn't take long for me to learn about lizards. I understood right from the gecko.
24. Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
25. Why was the pancake arrested?
For unwaffle activities.
26. A nut was chasing me down the street last night. He kept yelling “I’m a cashew!.”
27. When it comes to overstuffed recliners, I have a lot of deep seated fears.
28. Every year, hundreds of students enroll in mime school, never to be heard from again.
29. I hear exaggerations are up by like a billion percent this year.
30. Well, well, well..
Welcome to stutter class.
31. Just made me some synonym rolls.
Just like grammar used to make.
32. Two penguins walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Waddle it be, boys?"
33. I used to like chicken more than beef, but that was hen and this is cow.
34. I like to eat raw meat, but only on rare occasions.
35. I used to work as a waiter. The pay wasn't great, but I put food on the table.
36. 19 & 20 got into a fight, 21.
37. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
38. What do you call a pencil that fell in the toilet?
A #2 pencil.
39. Scientists have recently discovered a gene that causes shyness. They found it hiding behind two other genes.
40. If your boat turns upside down you can wear it on your head. It's capsized.
41. I taught my dog to beg. Today he came back with $25.
42. I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
43. How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
44. My dog has no nose!
How does he smell?
Awful!
45. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
The don’t meet the koalafications.
46. Last night we had chili for dinner.
It was a silent, but deadly night.
47. A man came up to me and said, "Man, your clothes look gay."
I said, "I know, they just came out of the closet this morning."
48. Remember when we all kicked pregnant women in the stomach. You know, before we were born.
49. A bag of M&M's went to college.
Now they're all Smarties.
Well, except for the one DumDum.
50. Why do you put Bandaids in the fridge?
For cold cuts!
51. Why do mice have such small balls?
So few of them know how to dance.
52. What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
53. What do cows wear when they vacation in Hawaii?
Moo moos
54. Chicks for sale.
They're going cheep.
55. What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment...
56. Have you ever seen a chick eat a banana?
57. You gotta hand it to midgets.
Because sometimes they can't reach it.
58. A weasel walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"
"Pop", goes the weasel.
59. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom.
A tuba toothpaste
60. I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday.
Usually either Nestle or Captain.
61. I was going to post a joke about pizza, but it was cheesy.
62. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.
63. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
64. Where did you learn to make banana splits?
Sundae school.
65. A man and his pony are walking down the road when suddenly someone comes up and shoves the pony over.
The pony says to his friend, "Hey, can you yell at that guy for me?"
His friend asks, "Why can't you do it?"
The pony says, "Because I'm a little hoarse."
66. Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds.
67. I once had a wooden car that had wooden wheels and a wooden engine. It wooden start.
68. All of my friends told me that 'icy' is the easiest word to spell.
And after looking at it, I see why.
69. I’ve never drank a juice box, but I hear they pack a punch.
70. What kind of candy is never on time? Choco-late.
71. I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite, but I ended picking 7 Up.
72. What do elves do when they get home from school?
Gnomework.
73. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
74. Where do pencils go on vacation?
Pencil-vania.
75. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to dance with.
76. Did you hear about the musician who gave all his daughters the same name?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.
77. Rich people have a canopy over the bed. Poor people have a can o' pee under the bed.
78. I used to have a camel that didn't have humps. His name was Humphrey.
79. My wife asked me today if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didn’t know he could.
80. My winter fat is gone.
Now I have spring rolls.
81. What did the shy pebble wish for?
That he was a little boulder.
82. What a relief it was when I was born, I was running out of womb.
83. Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the lyrics ?
84. I was addicted to the hokey-pokey. But I turned myself around.
85. On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
86. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
87. I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning
She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
88. I've finished 3 books this week..
That's a LOT of coloring !!
89. Real frogs call him Kermit The Fraud.
90. We all know Albert Einstein was a Genius. But his brother Frank was a monster!
91. Why does E.T. have such big eyes?
He's looking at his phone bill
92. What kind of sandals do frogs wear?
Open toad.
93. What's a cat's favorite TV show? Claw & Order.
94. Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone!
95. Why did 6 hate 7? because 7 8 9!!
96. Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because her mom and dad were in a jam.
97. I woke up this morning and found out that I'd turned into a cat,
but don't ask meow.
98. My Mom told me to eat every carrot and pee on my plate.
It only happened once, and did I ever get a spanking.
99. A duck walks into a pharmacy, gets some chapstick, and puts it on the counter. Pharmacist asks how he's going to pay for it.
The duck says "put it on my bill."
100. What does a baby computer call its father?
Data
101. Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose!
102. What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips
103. Down on Sesame Street:
"Hey Ernie, would you like a delicious frozen dessert that's not quite as good as ice cream?"
"Sherbert."
104. What does garlic do when it gets hot?
It takes its cloves off.
105. What did the male telescope say to the hot female telescope?
HUBBLE HUBBLE !
106. Chicks for sale. They're going cheep.
107. "Ramen."
Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
108.
Nice
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