Jokes

1.  Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.  You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

2.  I learn from the mistakes made by people who took my advice.

3.  I've been addicted to placebos for years now. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

4.  My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar.  Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

5.  Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?  To break on through to the other side. 

6.  At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?

7.  My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

8.  Apparently I snore so loudly it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

9.  The early bird gets the worm.  The second mouse gets the cheese.

10.  I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

11.  "The problem with quotes on the internet is you can never be certain they're authentic."

- Abraham Lincoln

12.  Don't be a racist, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, made by the Japanese, who speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew.

13.  Just watched an incredible documentary on cocaine. From now on, I'm watching all TV programs this way.

     

14.  Sorry I'm late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes not being here. 

15.  Don’t forget.  If you never sin, Jesus died for nothin’.

16.  My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep.  Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

17.  What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

18.  A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

19.  Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.   

20.  A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!" 

21.  Just once, I’d love to see a post game interview where the losing team blames Satan. 

22.  Which came first? The chicken or the egg?  Neither. The rooster came first. 

23.  Not even abstinence is 100% foolproof.  Just ask Mary. 

24.  My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. 

"We'll see about that!"

25.  A Scot was asked if he'd ever paid for a prostitute.

He replied, "Why take my quarters to the laundromat when I can stay home and do a load by hand?"

26.  Definition of Marriage: 

A way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before. 

27.  AOC has vowed to use only lower-case letters..

you know, to fight capitalism.

28.  I'll never forget my grandpa's last words...…

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

29.  A laywer fell overboard.  A shark swam around him, looked him in the eyes and swam away.

Professional courtesy. 

30.  If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

31.  Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

32.  You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

33.  I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.” 

34.  1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”?  20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh… 

35.  I know 5 people who are clinically insane.  I'm two of them... 

36.  Name fifty reasons you think I'm too demanding.

37.  I was going to post a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't think it was funny.

38.  What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

39.  I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. 

40.  Understanding women is like trying to nail Jello to a tree.

41.  I put my pet chameleon down on a paisley cloth and he had a nervous breakdown

42.  Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either. 

43.  A vagina is like the weather. When it's wet, it's time to go inside.

44.  Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!" 

45.  I lost all of my weed in a series of small fires. 

46.  I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn. 

47.  When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 

48.  If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. 

49.  Don't mess with old people, life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore. 

50.  About ten years ago, my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past. 

51.  After fifty years I still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

52.  Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon. 

53.  Why is it called a "prison compound" and not a "guilt complex"? 

54.  There are three types of people in this world.  Those that are good at math and those that are not. 

55.  5 out of 4 people are bad a fractions. 

56.  I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford. 

57.  George Washington was such a great president....

He never blamed any of the country's problems on the previous administration. 

58.  I bet you $100 I can stop gambling. 

59.  Give me ambiguity, or give me anything else. 

60.  Whatever you do, always give 100%. 

Unless you're donating blood. 

61.  I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "That is so me!"

62.  I have to wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the worlds best porn name on a basketball career. 

63.  I've decided to dedicate my life to getting prostitutes off the streets. But only for about an hour at a time. 

64.  Whenever I have to hire people, I throw half of the applications in the trash can..

I don't want to hire any unlucky people 

65.  Cashier in the grocery: “Would you like the milk in a bag”?

                                    Man: “No, just leave it in the carton”. 

66.  Just sold my best homing pigeon on eBay for the 15th time!

67.  My neighbor just told me he is a pathological liar. I don't believe him. 

68.  If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test.  I'd have 83 cents 

69.  I don't always contradict myself, but when I do I don't contradict myself.

70.  My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys. 

71.  Professor X: Whats your superpower? 

                     Me: hindsight

       Professor X: that isn't going to help us.

                     Me: yes, I see that now. 

72.  Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. 

73.  Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next."  I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 

74.    Wife: "You're addicted to skin lotion." 

           Me: "That's it, rub it in my face."''

75.  A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. 

The weirdo never showed up. 

76.  Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well. And he always had some mighty fine wine.

77.  My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious…

Or did she? 

78.  There are so many scams on the internet these days.  Send me $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them 

79.  Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.  Tickets are non-refundable. 

80.  You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose. 

81.  I don’t believe in astrology.  I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

82.  A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

83.  Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

84.  Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with.   They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening. 

85.  Life just handed me lemonade.  Not sure what to do. 

86.  Some people have trouble sleeping but I can do it with my eyes closed. 

87.  There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away. 

88.  Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas. 

89.  When someone says, "chicken pot pie" I get excited three times.

90.  I just invented a new word.

Plagiarism

91.  When checking out at the grocery store, I always pick the cashier who's most likely to have sex with me.   I always end up at the self-checkout.

92.  I thought my grandson would love that I bought him a trampoline, but he just wants to sit there and cry in his wheelchair. 

93.  I just like to sleep naked.  The stewardess could have been a bit more understanding. 

94.  Why did God create lesbians?

So feminists couldn't breed. 

95.  Potatoes can be boiled, baked or fried. On top of that they can be made into French Fries, Chips and Vodka.  It's like the other vegetables aren't even trying.

96.  What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A Seatbelt.

97.  I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ. 

But then I thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.

98.  Why do bulimics like KFC?  It comes with a bucket.

99.  You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

100.  My wife recently became a world famous porn star.

She’s gonna be really angry when she finds out

101.  Just say NO to drugs...

Well, if Im talking to my drugs Ive probably already said YES. 

102.  My wife accuses me of having a favorite child.  It's not true.  I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally. 

103.  Marriage is like playing bridge.  If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

104.  I was in the gym with my personal trainer when a smoking hot redhead walked through the door. I asked him what machine I should use to get in her pants.

He said the ATM in the lobby. 

105.  Aliens probably ride past earth and lock their doors. 

106.  Instead of "who's your daddy?", I accidentally said "how's your daddy?", and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol. 

107.  "Give it to me, give it to me, I'm so wet !" she said. But there's no way I was going to give her my umbrella. 

108.  What did Earth say to the other planets?  Wow you guys have no life. 

109.  Is forcing a prostitute to have sex rape or just shoplifting? 

110.  A guy with sign:will work for food. I gave him a coconut 

111.  I just got a personalized licence plate "BAA BAA."  It should look cool on my black Jeep.  It'll be so baaaadasss.

  

112.  I got approached by a prostitute today that said she would literally do anything for $10

Guess who just got their car washed?

113.  I slept like a baby last night.  I woke up screaming three times and shit myself twice.

114.  If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

115.  Got lost in my car and ended up at a cemetery and my GPS says "You've reached your final destination."

116.  I never drink unless I'm alone or with somebody.

117.  I like my coffee how I like myself: 

         Dark, bitter, and too hot for you. 

118.  When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up. 

119.  I don't like grudges. My dad kept grudges and I always hated him for it.

120.  Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree.  "I killed your friend. Here, hold him." 

121.  I call my weed "The Quran."  Because burning it will get you stoned. 

122.  I don't have a drinking problem.  It goes down just fine.

123.  Today was a terrible day.  My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver. 

124.  I just hate when I'm sending a text and then so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing off my windshield. 

125.  My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward. 

126.  The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise, but the fire trucks ruined it. 

127.  Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.

128.  I wear the pants in my family.  Right under my apron.

129.  I gave up smoking four months ago and needed something to do with my hands, so I went to an evening pottery class. The first thing they had me making was a damned ashtray.

130.  I was gonna buy a used boat but I decided to save time and just throw money directly into the ocean.

131.  I took a dyslexic girl back to my apartment.  She ended up cooking my sock.

132.  If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...

Would it even matter?

133.  My girlfriend said she'd only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

I can't wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

134.  At a recent job interview, the hiring manager asked me if I can perform under pressure.

I said no, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody. 

135.  Life is like a dick.  It gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be. 

136.  The hardest days of the week for me are the first five days after the weekend.

137.  My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.  I have to stay 500 feet away from her at all times. 

Also, the Judge said I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. 

138.  There's a girl I really like at my at my AA meetings. I'm trying to work up the courage to ask her out for a drink.

139.  My doctor told me I should give up drinking. It's been a week now and I feel really dehydrated.

140.  Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween. 

141.  Sure, I'll go to your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween Party.  I'll be coming as the invisible man. 

142.  What is the difference between California and the Titanic?

The Titanic had the lights on when it sunk.

143.  My love for you is like a candle.  If you forget about me I’ll burn your house down! 

144.  I don’t understand people who don’t like dogs.  Seriously, you probably didn’t use the right kind of sauce 

145.  If it weren't for the last minute I wouldn't get anything done.

146.  TripAdvisor.com is useless. I emailed them last night.  I only asked them if I would get a better high from LSD or a hit of acid. No Reply. Totally useless.

147.  DAM, Mothers against dyslexia.

148.  I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel.  I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.

149.  Just left my therapist's office.  She said I have a real problem interpreting everyday interpersonal situations.

I really think she was trying to hit on me.

150.  Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

151.  I used to be in a band called "Missing Dog." You've probably seen our posters.

152.   There’s a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.  The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together. 

153.  If you are driving a "Tesla" And it gets stolen, Now it is called an "Edison."

154.  I don't like people who take drugs.  Like Airport Security for example. 

155.  I do have initiative, I just need to be told when to use it.

156.  Not one person I ask is able to tell me what “idk” means. 

157.  "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" generally mean the same thing...except at funerals. 

  

158.  If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test? 

159.  Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?  There’s no menu.  You get what you deserve.

160.  What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

161.  I’m fed up with my mates, Three times now they have agreed to go to a Whitesnake concert with me and then not showed up.

Here I go again on my own.

162.  Life is like a box of chocolates...…...it doesn't last long for fat people.

163.  Just got kicked out of Home Depot.  Apparently, it's not proper to take their display toilet for a test run.

164.  What do you call a white girl without boobs?

Justin Bieber

165.  What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

166.  Life is like a bowl of soup.  You only get blown if you're hot.

167.  Yoga instructor: 

"Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber"?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

168.  I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves. 

Free, you racist bastard.

169.  Of course you can be anything you wanna be.  That's how delusions work.

170.  Surely, after all these years they can just call it Zealand now.

171.  I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe.

172.  I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.  He cried and gave me a big hug.

173.  “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

- Zach Galifianakis

174.  I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

175.  It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?

176.  Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

177.  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

178.  I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.

179.  Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

180.  I'm reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

181.  Why don't aliens visit our planet? 

Terrible ratings. One star.

182.  Aliens probably ride past earth and lock their doors.

183.  I just came up with a cure for anorexia.

It was a piece of cake

184.  When my boss asked me who is the stupid one

me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

185.  My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.

Now I have two girlfriends.

186.  My friend claims he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story and he's sticking to it.

187.  Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

188.  So many people these days are too judgmental.  I can tell just by looking at them.

189.  Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.  I see a lot of new faces here tonight.

190.  What does "reading comprehension" even mean?

191.  I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.  It was here a minute ago.

192.  I make a lot of typos when I text.  In my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

193.  Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven't met yet.

194.  I used to be a people person.  Then people ruined it for me.

195.  How much no more tears baby shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before they stop crying?

196.  I love you just the way you are, but I do have some suggestions.

197.  When I die, I want the word "humble" to be written in diamonds on my 20 foot statue made of solid gold.

198.  What idiot decided to call them veterinarians instead of dogtors.

199.  Now that my children are older they treat me like God.  They forget I exist and only approach me when they need something.

200.  I was in a serious relationship once.  We never even smiled.

201.  I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

202.  How long have I been working for the company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.

203.  I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

204.  Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

205.  Ibuprofen and aspirin are running in a race.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, prednisolone passes them and wins first place.

Ibuprofen looks at aspirin and mutters, "fucking steroids !"

206.  What kind of training do you need to be a garbage collector?

You don't, you just pick it up as you go along.

207.  Charles Darwin was wrong.  We're nothing like monkeys. I wish he was around now so I could throw feces in his face

208.  John Travolta was hospitalized for possible Coronavirus. Turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever. All is well.  He's staying alive.

209.  Went to see the doctor about my crippling fear of palindromes. The bastard put me on Xanax.

210.  I know a guy with one leg.  I never tease him about because he'll get hopping mad.

211.  The corona virus is like pasta.  The Chinese invented it, but the Italians are spreading it all over the world.

212.  We are looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex.

No weirdos please.

213.  I wonder if Whoopie Goldberg’s parents realized the irony when they made whoopie?

214.  I took a sexual harassment course recently. 

I think I'm going to be really good at it.

215.  It's all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and puffed rice. Next thing you know you're adding raisins and marshmallows...

It's a rocky road.

216.  I like to snatch kisses, and vice versa.

217.  Dirty Dave the flasher was thinking of retiring, but he decided to stick it out for another year.

218.  Nail salons, hair salons, tanning salons all closed. It's getting ugly out there.

219.  This year give Mom the gift of Microsoft Office.

Word to your Mother

220.  A man is staying in a hotel. He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”

The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”

221.  [Calling my ex] 

Me: Hey, so I really hate how I left things with you.

Her: Aww me too babe.

Me: So... yeah... can I come pick them up?

222.  English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

223.  Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.

It's when you put her in the trunk she freaks out.

  

224.  I was taking a nice little nap yesterday when this bitch decided to bounce off my windshield.

225.  I met the girl of my dreams the other day in the park and I couldn't stop crying.

Damn pepper spray.

226.  I have no idea why I walked into the short-term memory clinic today.

227.  Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie?  He thought he was getting LSD but ended up with quicker broadband.

And then became a Morman.

228.  I think my coworkers are gay.  Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

229.  The blue whale ejaculates 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only 10% enters the female. And you wondered why the sea tastes salty?

230.  "Space heater" is a pretty ambitious name.

How about "shin warmer?"

231.  Today, I saw an endangered animal eating an 

endangered plant. I didn't know what to do.

232.  My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

233.  My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for $2000

She must think I'm crazy!!

234.  A midget walks into the library and asks for a book on irony. The librarian says, "It's on the top shelf."

235.  I recently took up meditation.  It beats sitting around doing nothing.

236.  A nine year old girl disappeared after using a moisturizer that makes you look ten years younger.

237.  Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy then take them to the counter and ask them where the fitting room is.

238.  Friendship is like peeing yourself.  Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

239.  Her: Who are you and how did you get in here? 

         Him: I'm a locksmith and…I'm a locksmith.

240.  What did the penis say to the condom?  "Cover me. I'm going in."

241.  Just spent half an hour trying to get the wife's bra off. I should have never tried it on.

242.  My doctor diagnosed me with Compulsive Lying Syndrome, so I committed suicide yesterday.

243.  I just melted an ice cube by staring at it, but it took a bit longer than I thought it would.

244.  A talkative lady goes to the pet store carrying a parrot in a cage. She tells the clerk,"I bought this parrot over a week ago and it hasn't said a word."  Angrily, the parrot shouts, "I haven't had a fucking chance yet!"

245.  I just opened my electric bill and water bill at the same time and was completely shocked.

246.  I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.  At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

247.  I was never good at meth in school...or spelling.