titachap11

5:10pm  Rewind, Tita.

Tita:  I have been thinking about this, I think I have told you before.  I guess it bears repeating.  It is very important.  

    Victor can't trust fully on Yoga, in the idea of religion, a lot of philosophies or that train of thought, of anything.  There is a part of him that can't trust.  I have heard it, I have seen it, and even with our union part of him was saying, "Elizabeth may betray me.  I may have wrongly-invested with her.  It's happened before.  

Tita:  I myself trust so much maybe because I trusted my mom and dad.  Mom and Dad were there for me every single day!  They didn't disappear and come back.  They didn't even go out with friends.  They were here for us together or apart, day in, day out.  

    It was easy for me to trust that there would be food on the table, that the bills would be paid.  We never suffered food shortages or insecurities of any kind.  None of that!  Mom and dad provided for me and my siblings.  That's what I saw every day.  LOVE and care towards each other, LOVE and care towards us.  

    Ours was a united family.  We helped each other, we were each other's banks, if someone needed something, here, I'll let you borrow this.  

    Because I had that security I knew that Mom and Dad had my back.  If things became dysfuntional with my mother towards the end, I understand her jealousy better now.  That came in my forties.  Before that she was an exemplary mother  

    Dad wasn't a great father, but he was great enough for me.  He was sweet, he would always put me on his lap.  He would tell me countless stories looking up at the sky and I LOVED listening.  Dad was a story teller.  I wanted more.  

    This is probably why Victor and I fell in love, because I wanted more stories from him!  

    Victor and I, going back to my original thought.  I had two parents that supported me my whole life through thick and thin.  Like Juan would get mad and dash off to the Parque De Los Negritos, but they still loved him when he came back.  Juan felt coddled by mom and dissed by dad.  He didn't have any respect for his father.  Never has.  

    At the deposition that we had I always knew my dad was different.  Dad had a brain disorder.  Most of his life it was undiagnosed and untreated.  Dad was a smoker until Juan himself convinced him to quit at 42.  Dad quit cold turkey.  

    Dad had resolve and discipline.  

    Victor can't trust in anyone fully because that trust was compromised through not having a dad and through an inconsistent mother who didn't know how to run the house by herself and be a good parent.  

    She was a child herself.  She was unfit.  

    Because his mom was manipulative, he learned how to use other people for things he needed and also be of use.  Again, he can't fully trust because, Diana has told me in certain ways that sometimes there was food and sometimes there wasn't.  That means mom mismanaged the funds, or was too proud to beg, borrow or steal for her children.  

    Look at me, I am healthy, I am happy, I have for the most part always felt supported by my family and I knew that god would provide for me, because my parents did and they belived in god, and now the government is providing for me, giving me food stamps and a free phone, and through Victor's help.  I don't trust the government either 100%, but I know that some things are solid, just like my mom and and dad were solid.  

    They never broke up.  They rarely argued until the end.  They were together, through their differences, happy, almost every day that I can recall.  

    Until my mom's last five years when she turned against me for loving my dad when she stopped.  When I became my dad's help that's when I started having problems with my mom.  

    I have more maturity and a better outlook because I know there are people out there to trust, like mom and dad.  Victor has not had that experience.  Does that not make sense?  

Victor:  It makes perfect sense.  

Tita:  That's why I can tolerate Victor and his messiness sometimes.  He has every right to yell.  I may not enjoy when he yells at me, but has has things that bother him.  He was never taught to air out his grievances and communicate better.  Since I met him I asked him to tell me everything and not hold back with me.  You don't have to be a jerk, but you can tell me.  Now he is learning he can communicate with me and I'm going to listen.  

    Vice-versa, too.  He has always been a good listener.   

Victor:  It's as if I never really grew up, so I learned the truth and not the bullshit adults are programmed with.  

Tita:  Yes, you learned somehow anyway.

Victor:  I choose not to grow up, ever.  I like having fun.  

Tita:  Sure, you can be young and emotionally-mature at the same time, which you already are.  

Victor:  I want everyone to go outside and play.

Tita:  That's right.  We don't want to hurt anyone.

Victor:  Yes, I want people to learn from my example.  I don't want to hurt anybody.  I mean, even if I sting at first, I am ultimately only trying to do good.  

Tita:  Trust comes easier to people who have had good role models.  Some people didn't have a mother of father, but they had a good uncle or an aunt, or neighbor, or teacher that was their support, that they knew they could count on, that was their rock.  

    Victor, I am your rock.  You can trust in me.

Victor:  Trust in you to never stop talking, maybe. :P

Tita:  I mean it, I may be flighty, but I promised to marry you and love you.  I've wanted to marry you amost since I met you.  I love you, and that means through hell and high water.  

5:33pm  It's just Victor, the way he is, his controlled folly, his humor.  People at the ashram could tell, when we went, when we dropped in late at night.  He was making jokes and putting smiles on people faces.  For instance, he read the rules of the Ashram and says NO ONION.  He sternly says, "Oh, no onions?  Forget it, we're out of here!"  Like five different times he made Swami Darmananda chuckle.  

    This is what people have to know.  Victor says and does things to play, make fun, like Don Juan.  He wants people to laugh at themselves, to laugh at the humor of things.  If they don't know that then they are going to think he is serious. 

Victor:  I just want people to put their ego's, their selves aside and look at things from a totally different point of view, and like Don Juan says, find the funny edge to the things that would normally offend you.

Tita:  Exactly, and that's what makes it funny.  Just the way Victor is, pretending to complain about stuff just to get a rise.  When we get stoned, when our mood is lifted with marijuana's help, we can't really help to see even more humor in things.  Maybe people realize that it's laughter at their expense, but at the same time I think people should be lighthearted about everything and seeing the funny side.  Seeing that it is intended to make you smile, and not frown, when you are able to shift to another frame of mind.  Just don't jokes personally.

    Like in your lewd and shocking jokes, if you think about them too much you ruin the joke.  If you are lighthearted about it, anything can be funny.  

Victor:  CUM on, people! LOL

    Anyway, that's all.

Chapter 12